Is Divorce Imminent???

[Dubbs]

I'm 39 and have been with my wife for 12 years, married 6. We have 2 daughters, 10 and 7. I've made great strides since becoming a domesticated man. I used to be very irresponsible and enjoyed being a bachelor. We've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship, but chose to marry her because she stayed with me when times were tough.

 

Now, we're both successful in our careers and can't get along for $hit. I'm at my wits end. We don't have sex. She hasn't initiated sex since the conception of our 2nd child. Sex is the most important aspect of the relationship, IMO. I always initiate it. She'll comply probably 50% of the time, but I've stopped trying. In the last year, I estimate that we've been intimate maybe 15-20 times, or less than twice a month. I am very attracted to her and would like to have sex as much as timely possible. I'm 39 and will be 70 before I know it, hopefully, my dad died at 53 so who knows? I am very laid back and chill, she is very "mind moving a mile a minute." She is more concerned with the dishes being done when she gets home than giving me attention. BTW, the dishes are done 99% of the time.

 

Our work schedules suck, and maybe that's attributing to our madness. I'm a firefighter and work 24 on and 48 off. She's a nurse that works 1pm-1am, typically 3 days a week, but 4 days often. We never see each other. We're both already in the single-parent role.

 

Like I stated, I'm pretty chilled out. I don't overreact. I don't name call. I have a high level of self-awareness in my opinion and an awareness to what goes on around me. She is the opposite of all of those. She has said a lot of hurtful things over the years. When she "nags" me, everything out of her mouth is so hypocritical, it's comical. The hurtful things I take in stride and not personal, that's who she is, and 90% of the time when's she had cocktails. The nagging I go defensive most of the time, and will try to turn the convo to her not being perfect also, which leads to even more animosity. I'm not one to back down when I know someone is wrong, although I probably should.

 

The thing is, I would back down. I would more of the man she wanted me to be, if she gave in sexually. It's a simple fix, but she won't budge. She always complains on my shortcomings, as minute as they may be. I never call her out on anything until she attacks me. I understand that she, and people, aren't perfect and I still love her anyway. She doesn't want to be my "mom." She says she doesn't want to nag me. Then don't!

 

She spends so much time with our girls. That's not a bad thing, but I'm 3rd fiddle, and if it were possible I'd be 20th fiddle. I love them and want them to have everything I didn't have growing up, but they're kids. You put the oxygen mask on yourself, then you help your kids. I'm getting no oxygen.

 

She says I don't treat her special. It boggles my mind. I have always gotten her gifts, and surprises. From our engagement, to unexpected flowers, to just saying I think you look pretty today. I'm always the one that plans the vacations. She has rarely done anything thing to surprise me, or make me feel special. I don't care that she doesn't, but don't call me out, falsely. Wtf!?

 

When we do have sex, she doesn't get on top because it hurts. In some missionary positions, something "pops" and is uncomfortable. BJ's are a thing of the past. She doesn't like to have sex before work because that makes her uncomfortable. She doesn't want to have sex after work because she's tired. She doesn't want to have sex in the morning because she's tired. She doesn't want to have sex when the kids are home, or if it's light outside because that's weird. This makes it sound like we don't have sex, we do, not much, but I've heard all the excuses.

 

You think you'll get through everything, and certain things aren't a big deal. Then you turn 39 and look back at how much time has been wasted on meaningless fights, and not having sex. Like I said, my dad died at 53. I'm trying to squeeze as much life in as I can because you never know.

 

I can't imagine not being with her, or our kids, all together, but we're pretty close to miserable. Historically speaking, is this just over? Can it be salvaged? I honestly think she doesn't even like me, and for quite a few years now. When we get along, we get along well. To my knowing, it's sincere, but is she just pretending?

 

I apologize for the long-winded post, but appreciate any feedback.

[basil67]

Mismatched libidos can have many causes, but I'm going to come out on a limb and say that she doesn't want sex because she's not happy in the marriage with you. Because she doesn't like you. For many of us (and women in particular) you need a mental connection in order to want a physical connection.

 

Now I'm NOT blaming you here. You sound like you're doing an awful lot to try and keep her happy....but it's not working. Perhaps she's the type to never be happy with anyone, or perhaps there's stuff you're not telling us. At any rate, we can only go on what you tell us.

 

To get your sex life back, the marriage needs to be fixed. Or ended so that you can be with someone who is better suited to you. Start with marriage counselling and see where it takes you. If the marriage starts to improve, then start looking at your sex life. But work on the marriage first, as her sex drive depends on it.

[Brady375]

Hey brother. Im Leo. Close to your age. I'll say that simple fix of more sex is linked to the relationship and how she feels. Like trying to put the cart ahead of the horse.

It seems like these problems have sat for a few years so I wouldn't expect them to turn around over night. Can it be fixed? I would hope so for Your families sake but only you can answer that question.

I think it goes wo saying u and the mrs no longer have the tools to fix this job cus the job sat for so long and there is a lot of work to be done right now. Like a car that's sat out in the rain for 2yrs and now we want to see if it starts and want it Show ready. In order to get that done id take the hot rod to a top mechanic and detail shop. You need to take this relationship to someone that can help you guys w this heavy lifting. Go to marriage counseling. Do it now before things reach a breaking point. I can tell by your post that your not happy But you haven't hit a breaking point.

 

I did, and when you do its unexpectedly triggered, even though I knew things weren't great. And after a bad couple weeks and I hit the Breaking point something changes in you. Mentallly your done. Like a switch flipping. While your still somewhat engaged and "care" get into marriage counseling.

Also I know she can be a royal pain in the ass but always remember two wrongs don't make a right. She nags you and brings up something you did and then you bring up something she did. Totally unproductive. Use your head. What's your goal? Is the approach that your using during these discussions/arguements helping you accomplish it? Or just sabatoging it?

 

Approach this problem like a "job". Think. Your emotionally involved so it's hard to do that. You don't see things as clearly, ESP when your Trying to solve problems During a Fight. Instead if it's important to u pick a time and day to discuss all of this stuff w her, when things are level and not during an argument. Swallow the pride and take the first step. Don't get caught up in the week to week Grind for Another day. Things sit on the back burner and before you know it your me. Seperated for 2 months wo a positive outlook. Do it now before one of you hit that mental wall or breaking point. Once that happens your may be up sh#ts creek. Good luck.

[testmeasure]

I agree with Marital counseling.

 

(1) Don't accept the broken state.

 

(2) Exhaust all reasonable hope of fixing it before giving up.

 

(3) If it's broken and there's no longer a reasonable hope, you're not doing yourself or the kids a favor by staying.

 

In regards to (2), kids are better off with both parents in a healthy relationship. Put the family first as long as there is hope.

 

In regards to (1)&(3), kids need healthy relationships as a role model for their future. If you take a broken one that has no hope of repair and keep it in place by sheer force of will power, you're actually putting an unhealthy relationship front and center of the kids attention and intentionally holding it there.

 

First, stop accepting the broken relationship.

 

Second, move on to trying to fix it.

 

Third, as soon as it's apparent to you that it's no longer reasonable to fix it, end it as soon as possible.

 

It sounds like you are about done accepting this so you're about ready to move out of 1. You're right. It isn't working. I'm not saying it isn't working for you or it isn't working for her. I'm not assigning anything about cause here. Just you've reached a point where it isn't working and you're probably right. It's just not working. With no regard to who or why, it needs to be fixed.

 

Marital counseling is the perfect solution to 2. Is she willing to go, is she willing to work on it, is there any progress. If you approach it by continuing to bring up marital counseling and she refuses, or goes but isn't willing to work on it, or there is no progress, 2 will resolve itself. You're about done accepting the broken state. Start pushing to fix it. Focusing on the idea of marital counseling is a good way to do that. If you do your best to make that happen and it just can't... well, you've done your best.

 

If 2 doesn't work, then as a problem solver, emergency responder, and with a nurse as a spouse, you'll probably have some sense of how it's just not right for the kids to have a proven dysfunctional unhealthy relationship as their model for how to live. If you need to do 3, hopefully by the time you've exhausted 2, with your background and experience, you'll just do 3 and know it's right.

 

I'm sure you can prioritize a decision tree. That's what Triage is. This patient isn't going to make it if you don't work on it. The "doesn't need help" to survive branch is already done. The only question now is figuring out whether working on it has a chance of saving it or not. After you decide that, the next course of action is clear.

 

I fully agree with the 2 previous posts, I'm just trying to lay out the full path.

 

I'm not a mental health expert or anything like that. This is all just personal opinion or whatever from someone who has been through a divorce with a child involved. Personally I did try and keep the family together a fair bit beyond all reasonable hope to fix things, but there were some other variables involved. In that regard, like anything else you'd have to evaluate the specifics of your own circumstance.

 

 

.

Edited February 10, 2016 by testmeasure

[Phoenician]

Dubb,

 

I know exactly how you feel , in the same boat since 18 years ; just recently I am achieving some improvment for a very good reason :

 

-I am changing ,toward the good? not sure , but definetly toward a more stable life .

 

I won't speak about you , I will just tell you few things which if i discovered very late , yet better late than never ...

 

 

-After alot of internal struggle ; I discovered that almost majority of women considers that if they are not comfortable they don't enjoy sex , while we men we do sex to relax ; at the end what exactly you want ? a good mother or a sex wife ? she can't be a superwomen .

those who enjoy sex really do not have a lot of chores or they are energetic by nature which is rare .

 

-the more you push for sex you either get none or just duty missionary sex.

-life pressure and incompatibility in sex desires are main causes of near sexless relations ...

 

my advise to you is to be realistic , can you afford a divorce , emotionally , financially ?

 

don't expect her to change dramatically , you have 2 options either you change or you leave .

 

 

I spent a lifetime nagging , at the end , couldn't leave , now I am adapting , in comfort zone...

[Popsicle]

You two need some counseling. And you need to LISTEN to the counselor. Your marriage is one of the uncommon cases that I think can be fixed, but only if you both let your pride down and listen.

[BuddyX]

This comes down to attraction. She's not attracted to you. You don't make her panties moist.

Edited February 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[KBarletta]

I agree with many of the other respondents here - marriage counseling could help you immensely. I would discuss it with her and try to get in ASAP.

 

It sounds like you - at least - still love you wife and still are attracted to her. Can she say the same? If so, you have the basis for making this work. You just need to actually WORK to make it happen. MC could be the key. But, as others have said, you have to listen to the MC and, even more importantly, to EACH OTHER.

 

You have said that you do things for your wife to keep your relationship interesting, but that clearly is not making the difference required to keep your relationship from failing. So it could be that what you are doing is not what she NEEDS from you. So, again, that is where communication comes in, and MC could help re-establish that link.

 

I wish you luck, for your sake, your wife's and your kids. Keep posting!

[loveboid]

First off I'd stop calling it nagging, even in quotes. You tell yourself her holding you accountable is nagging--that is a huge problem right there. Of course if you tell yourself her concerns are nags, that is disrespectful, and she knows it. Disrespecting her is not going to make you sexy to her at all. And no, she shouldn't give it up if she doesn't find you sexy or attractive.

 

Work on your attractiveness, namely your respect for her, and that'll get her attention in a good way.

[BlueIris]

It sounds as though it’s imminent unless you take action, so the counseling suggestion sounds like a good idea.

 

I hear contempt in your description of her so it reminded me of Gottman’s four signals of the demise of a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling and Defensiveness.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

 

It sounds as though she might be criticizing too much and you might be stonewalling. It sounds as though you feel contempt for her, which is kind of the worst- it’s when you don’t see good or enough good in the relationship.

 

Time to take action.

[frigginlost]

Woah...

 

This post hits home with me.

 

Dubbs, you guys are the perfect candidate for MC. Your feelings/what your feeling resonate with me. I was a Firefighter, and my father died at 56 (I'm close to 50 now). My marriage took a major toll on my ex-wife and I. It is very, very, possible that we would still be married now if we did MC. Sadly for us, it was too late. We took no steps to save the marriage and both of us have discussed the "what if" scenario (we are still close friends to this day) if we had.

 

Exhaust all possibilities before you pull the cord.

[oldshirt]

 

I hear contempt in your description of her so it reminded me of Gottman’s four signals of the demise of a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling and Defensiveness.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

 

.

 

 

My thoughts exactly. These are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for marriages.

 

Your marriage is in dire straights and it's just a matter of time before one of you pops a cog and pulls the ejection handle for good or finds someone else and nukes the marriage from orbit.

 

Assuming there has not already been any abuse, adultery or addiction, there is a chance the marriage can be saved if both of you are willing to work at it and you get immediate, professional intervention.

[Dubbs]

First off I'd stop calling it nagging, even in quotes. You tell yourself her holding you accountable is nagging--that is a huge problem right there. Of course if you tell yourself her concerns are nags, that is disrespectful, and she knows it. Disrespecting her is not going to make you sexy to her at all. And no, she shouldn't give it up if she doesn't find you sexy or attractive.

 

Work on your attractiveness, namely your respect for her, and that'll get her attention in a good way.

 

I used nagging for lack of a better term. It's more of "I'm always doing something wrong." I'm too hard on the kids. I want you to want to hang out with us. She always tells me how I feel. She thinks she knows the scenario and is completely off. A good description of her personality, is if we're driving somewhere together in my car, and the best song in the world isn't on the radio, she'll change the channel. She'll do that 3-4 times, one after the other, and then turn it off. I'm like just leave the god damned radio alone. I like to listen to the radio. I recognize that every song isn't my favorite, but it will be over in 2-3 minutes and we might like the next song. Just relax and be patient. It's probably a metaphor for our marriage. Not perfect right now, change it, change it, change it, ok, turn it off.

 

As far as respect, I have crazy respect for her. She's done a lot with a little in her life. But she is very low self-esteem, at least used to be. I'm proud of her for so many things, and tell her. I don't tell her every second of every day, but I tell her. I realize I'm at fault for many things, but I'm a logical thinker. I can figure things out. Women are impossible to figure out.

 

2+2=4 (Man) 2+2=What I say it equals(Women)

Don't take this the wrong way, but there's a lot of truth to it.

[Dubbs]

Thanks for all of the responses. I will look into counseling.

[Zoe5.5]

I'm 39 and have been with my wife for 12 years, married 6. We have 2 daughters, 10 and 7. I've made great strides since becoming a domesticated man. I used to be very irresponsible and enjoyed being a bachelor. We've had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship, but chose to marry her because she stayed with me when times were tough.

 

Now, we're both successful in our careers and can't get along for $hit. I'm at my wits end. We don't have sex. She hasn't initiated sex since the conception of our 2nd child. Sex is the most important aspect of the relationship, IMO. I always initiate it. She'll comply probably 50% of the time, but I've stopped trying. In the last year, I estimate that we've been intimate maybe 15-20 times, or less than twice a month. I am very attracted to her and would like to have sex as much as timely possible. I'm 39 and will be 70 before I know it, hopefully, my dad died at 53 so who knows? I am very laid back and chill, she is very "mind moving a mile a minute." She is more concerned with the dishes being done when she gets home than giving me attention. BTW, the dishes are done 99% of the time.

 

Our work schedules suck, and maybe that's attributing to our madness. I'm a firefighter and work 24 on and 48 off. She's a nurse that works 1pm-1am, typically 3 days a week, but 4 days often. We never see each other. We're both already in the single-parent role.

 

Like I stated, I'm pretty chilled out. I don't overreact. I don't name call. I have a high level of self-awareness in my opinion and an awareness to what goes on around me. She is the opposite of all of those. She has said a lot of hurtful things over the years. When she "nags" me, everything out of her mouth is so hypocritical, it's comical. The hurtful things I take in stride and not personal, that's who she is, and 90% of the time when's she had cocktails. The nagging I go defensive most of the time, and will try to turn the convo to her not being perfect also, which leads to even more animosity. I'm not one to back down when I know someone is wrong, although I probably should.

 

The thing is, I would back down. I would more of the man she wanted me to be, if she gave in sexually. It's a simple fix, but she won't budge. She always complains on my shortcomings, as minute as they may be. I never call her out on anything until she attacks me. I understand that she, and people, aren't perfect and I still love her anyway. She doesn't want to be my "mom." She says she doesn't want to nag me. Then don't!

 

She spends so much time with our girls. That's not a bad thing, but I'm 3rd fiddle, and if it were possible I'd be 20th fiddle. I love them and want them to have everything I didn't have growing up, but they're kids. You put the oxygen mask on yourself, then you help your kids. I'm getting no oxygen.

 

She says I don't treat her special. It boggles my mind. I have always gotten her gifts, and surprises. From our engagement, to unexpected flowers, to just saying I think you look pretty today. I'm always the one that plans the vacations. She has rarely done anything thing to surprise me, or make me feel special. I don't care that she doesn't, but don't call me out, falsely. Wtf!?

 

When we do have sex, she doesn't get on top because it hurts. In some missionary positions, something "pops" and is uncomfortable. BJ's are a thing of the past. She doesn't like to have sex before work because that makes her uncomfortable. She doesn't want to have sex after work because she's tired. She doesn't want to have sex in the morning because she's tired. She doesn't want to have sex when the kids are home, or if it's light outside because that's weird. This makes it sound like we don't have sex, we do, not much, but I've heard all the excuses.

 

You think you'll get through everything, and certain things aren't a big deal. Then you turn 39 and look back at how much time has been wasted on meaningless fights, and not having sex. Like I said, my dad died at 53. I'm trying to squeeze as much life in as I can because you never know.

 

I can't imagine not being with her, or our kids, all together, but we're pretty close to miserable. Historically speaking, is this just over? Can it be salvaged? I honestly think she doesn't even like me, and for quite a few years now. When we get along, we get along well. To my knowing, it's sincere, but is she just pretending?

 

I apologize for the long-winded post, but appreciate any feedback.

 

 

 

 

Hello ,

just wanted to stop by and offer an encouraging word. Do not sweat the small things . This is not a major issue though it may seem that way. This is minor and it can be fixed with maybe finding someone you both know and trust to confide in away from the kids . Know that it is perfectly a healthy and wise choice to seek wise counsel . I am wishing you the best in your pursuit to salvage this portion of your marriage .

 

 

Thank you and have a beautiful day .

[mrs rubble]

I used nagging for lack of a better term. It's more of "I'm always doing something wrong." I'm too hard on the kids. I want you to want to hang out with us. She always tells me how I feel. She thinks she knows the scenario and is completely off. A good description of her personality, is if we're driving somewhere together in my car, and the best song in the world isn't on the radio, she'll change the channel. She'll do that 3-4 times, one after the other, and then turn it off. I'm like just leave the god damned radio alone. I like to listen to the radio. I recognize that every song isn't my favorite, but it will be over in 2-3 minutes and we might like the next song. Just relax and be patient. It's probably a metaphor for our marriage. Not perfect right now, change it, change it, change it, ok, turn it off.

 

As far as respect, I have crazy respect for her. She's done a lot with a little in her life. But she is very low self-esteem, at least used to be. I'm proud of her for so many things, and tell her. I don't tell her every second of every day, but I tell her. I realize I'm at fault for many things, but I'm a logical thinker. I can figure things out. Women are impossible to figure out.

 

2+2=4 (Man) 2+2=What I say it equals(Women)

Don't take this the wrong way, but there's a lot of truth to it.

One of the things that attracted me to my partner is how good he was with kids, it came as a shock when he snapped and yelled at my son and suggested a harsh punishment for a minor crime. It instantly turned me off him. If she thinks you're to hard on the kids, this may be why she's withdrawing from you.

[beatcuff]

it appears sex has become another 'chore'. why? where is the romance. when was the last time you went on a date --- to the movies or a bar for a drink or dinner or just cuddled and watched tv...

 

kids and work will take all you have to offer and then ask for more. you need to carve a time for you, as in you as a couple.

 

so instead of being demanding or telling --- ask her out on a date, look over your schedules, arrange a sitter, get your haircut --- i think you get the idea.