Inexpensive dating coach?

[40daysforthen253]

Not for a first face-to-face meeting after meeting online. For that, a short coffee date is perfect. If the chemistry is there, you can extend the date if you both have time, and if not, you can arrange the next date.

 

Incredibly helpful post. Thanks , Robratory. The messaging guide in particular is much needed.

 

hasaquestion, I'll take your advice and hold off on the glassblowing. So maybe coffee at noon on saturday, and a possible walk around the park (though cold)?

 

Thanks JuneJulySeptember. Will do my best to be myself.

 

risjurad, I appreciate the thoughts on getting advice.

[40daysforthen253]

Dating coaches are a waste of money.

Be decisive & act immediately.

 

Asked a girl out for my first time. Thanks for the inspiration.

[CC12]

Asked a girl out for my first time. Thanks for the inspiration.

 

Well? How did it go?

[hasaquestion]

Incredibly helpful post. Thanks , Robratory. The messaging guide in particular is much needed.

 

hasaquestion, I'll take your advice and hold off on the glassblowing. So maybe coffee at noon on saturday, and a possible walk around the park (though cold)?

 

Thanks JuneJulySeptember. Will do my best to be myself.

 

risjurad, I appreciate the thoughts on getting advice.

 

Glad to hear you asked someone out. Keep putting yourself out there socially and you'll find your attitude changing.

 

The glass blowing thing is neat. But the attraction on a first date should be one another, you know? A first date is to decide if you want to keep seeing her. So it should be about learning about her, and figuring out if you want to take her out again. The glass-blowing thing is something you'd do with someone you're already dating.

[40daysforthen253]

^ Thanks.

 

Well? How did it go?

 

It's on. Nervous as hell but glad to be moving forward. Coffee on Sat.

 

Will debrief.

[hasaquestion]

^ Thanks.

 

 

 

It's on. Nervous as hell but glad to be moving forward. Coffee on Sat.

 

Will debrief.

 

So you planned the date first and found the girl second? Called your own shot. I like it.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you.

 

Assuming you are meeting her there. Arrive a few minutes early. Stake out a good table. If you don't want to spring for her coffee already have yours. Note, she will not like this & it will start your date off on a wrong foot. better to offer to treat her to the coffee.

 

Sit & chat. Do have things to talk about. Ask Qs about her . . . nothing too personal but some get to know you Qs. Actually listen to her answers & ask follow up Qs.

 

Try not to be nervous. Remember it's only coffee. The key is to be gracious & interested.

 

When it is over, if you don't want to see her again, don't say you will call. If you do want to see her again, ask if it would be OK to call during the week to set up another date. See if she contacts you after the coffee to say thank you; that is always a good sign but her not doing that is not fatal.

 

Do follow up if you said you will. For the 2nd date the glass blowing thing might be better.

[40daysforthen253]

Good for you.

Sit & chat. Do have things to talk about. Ask Qs about her . . . nothing too personal but some get to know you Qs. Actually listen to her answers & ask follow up Qs.

 

Very helpful, d0nnivain. Thanks so much.

 

2 Questions

1. So all that's expected is to drink coffee together, talk for an hour, hug and say goodbye? Is it a big let-down if we don't bounce somewhere?

 

2. Also, on paying, what I'm envisioning for the drinks is that she walks in. I'm there at the table. I give her a hug and say "lets get coffee." We both order. I tell the cashier, "I got this." and pay for us both. If she objects. I say "it's fine.". If she objects again, I say "ok, we'll split it." Good?

[d0nnivain]

Your plan sounds fine.

 

Don't over think or over script this. It's a causal meeting not a UN Summit.

[normal person]

Very helpful, d0nnivain. Thanks so much.

 

2 Questions

1. So all that's expected is to drink coffee together, talk for an hour, hug and say goodbye? Is it a big let-down if we don't bounce somewhere?

 

2. Also, on paying, what I'm envisioning for the drinks is that she walks in. I'm there at the table. I give her a hug and say "lets get coffee." We both order. I tell the cashier, "I got this." and pay for us both. If she objects. I say "it's fine.". If she objects again, I say "ok, we'll split it." Good?

 

Do yourself a favor and don't over-plan or put the cart before the horse. In dating (and in life), things rarely ever go as you expect them to. There will always be at least one variable you can't predict so there's no sense in trying to map out every conversation. Just play things be ear. If you're enjoying yourself and she seems to be too, you can ask her if she wants to go somewhere else if you want. It's not required. And there's no sense splitting hairs over the price of a coffee. Just offer to pay and don't make a big fuss about it one way or the other. Just be relaxed and have fun.

 

Best of luck.

[40daysforthen253]

Do yourself a favor and don't over-plan or put the cart before the horse. In dating (and in life), things rarely ever go as you expect them to. There will always be at least one variable you can't predict so there's no sense in trying to map out every conversation. Just play things be ear. If you're enjoying yourself and she seems to be too, you can ask her if she wants to go somewhere else if you want. It's not required. And there's no sense splitting hairs over the price of a coffee. Just offer to pay and don't make a big fuss about it one way or the other. Just be relaxed and have fun.

 

Best of luck.

 

Appreciate it. Thanks

[40daysforthen253]

Just finished my 1st ever date.

 

A heartfelt thank you to everyone who supported me. A special thanks to d0nnivain, smackie9, Robratory, and hasaquestion.

 

For those interested, I'll recap every bit.

 

How it was set up

1. Matched on tinder.
   
2. I'd sent her a message.
   
3. She responded.
   
4. At the advice of Robratory, I got write to the point, proposing coffee. She said yes. I proposed a time.
   
5. She agreed.
   
6. I sent my phone number.
   
7. She texted me her number. Her messages were kind and positive. They had smileys and exclamation marks.
   

 

The date

I arrived and went to a stool. She came in. I hugged her. We both went up and ordered coffees. I paid. I was very nervous

 

We got the coffees and sat down. I commented on something on her profile. We talked about our interests a lot. A few jokes. I said a lot of "what is your favorite ____?" and "could you ever see yourself _____" We talked about our interests. Bonded a bit over a rom com and some other things a bit feminine.

 

I was very, very, very anxious. Thinking to myself, "can she tell I'm nervous? (yes). Chill out. Focus on your breath. Breath slowly etc."

 

We talked for an hour. Than I told her I had things to do and it was wonderful talking to her. We hugged. And I left.

 

Epiphanies:

#1 - I found a way to stop all the nervous thoughts: focus not on how nervous I am but on the emotions in her eyes. This kept me from fidgeting and thinking anxious thoughts.

#2 - It would have been nice to move around to make things more interesting. Not sure how we could have as it was freezing but I will make a note of it.

#3 - I must slow down. stare in her eyes. keep the conversation slow-paced. and touch.

 

 

So I did my first date. Thank you again for helping me! I was terrified for the 1st date, so this was big.

 

Questions.

1. Should I text her "great hanging out with you"?

---After how much time? Or should I just let it go. Note: Don't plan on moving this one forward. I liked her, but I think I was too nervous for her to want to see me again. Didn't make any spark. Though, I can see myself getting over the nerves very quickly and future dates will be fine.

2. Lets say I see her at the grocery store. Do I just say "hey. how are you?" casually?. Just seems it would be awkward.

3. The venue (family coffee shop) was platonic. Any suggestions? Notes: I don't drink and I can't dance.

4. When you're sitting at stools and there's no coat check, where do you put your coat? I just scrunched mine up and threw it by my feet. Probably not the classiest.

5. What should I do next?

---My plan is to repeat several times. Everything the same (tinder, same place etc.). If one of them goes well (I'm afraid I was way too nervous this time), I'll propose we see a movie the next night. So that will be my first night date. Good? All this while building my social circle. But first just trying to get comfortable going a date. Not worried about a relationship yet.

Edited February 13, 2016 by 40daysforthen253

[normal person]

 

 

Questions.

1. Should I text her "great hanging out with you"?

---After how much time? Or should I just let it go. Note: Don't plan on moving this one forward. I liked her, but I think I was too nervous for her to want to see me again. Didn't make any spark. Though, I can see myself getting over the nerves very quickly and future dates will be fine.

 

If you want to see her again, text her tomorrow with something more than a canned phrase. Make a joke about something you talked about and ask a question. If you don't want to see her again, don't bother unless you think she likes you, in which case it'd be nice just to let her off the hook.

 

 

2. Lets say I see her at the grocery store. Do I just say "hey. how are you?" casually?. Just seems it would be awkward.

 

Let's not put the cart before the horse again. In the very rare event that you cross paths again she probably won't care or will just avoid you if she thinks you might care. People meet, it doest work out, they move on. Not a big deal.

 

3. The venue (family coffee shop) was platonic. Any suggestions? Notes: I don't drink and I can't dance.

 

That's why I always say coffee and lunch are bad ideas. Too bad I didn't see this thread in time. If you're 24 you're really limiting yourself by not dancing or drinking, that's really a de facto form of socializing at that age. Having a few beers in moderation isn't going to kill you, but if you don't want to drink, that's fine although there's a good chance it might make you seem not so much fun. That's just what you might have to deal with.

 

You definitely should dance a bit, even if it's just minimal body movement. You can defend not drinking on moral or practical grounds, but I can't think of any reason to opt of dancing that won't tarnish your image. If you're too self-conscious it's just a horrible look for you. You'd be better off just obliging and moving around a little bit (even if you embarrass yourself, take it in stride). Showing anxiety or self-consciousness will be more detrimental your image than less than stellar dancing. This whole process will require you stepping out of your comfort zone.

 

4. When you're sitting at stools and there's no coat check, where do you put your coat? I just scrunched mine up and threw it by my feet. Probably not the classiest.

 

This is really not a big deal. Sit on it or put it at your feet or something. Women aren't going to judge you on something like this.

 

5. What should I do next?

---My plan is to repeat several times. Everything the same (tinder, same place etc.). If one of them goes well (I'm afraid I was way too nervous this time), I'll propose we see a movie the next night. So that will be my first night date. Good? All this while building my social circle. But first just trying to get comfortable going a date. Not worried about a relationship yet.

 

Why the same place? You said it was too platonic. I'm not a fan of movies while you're dating someone early on. The reason being is that you don't learn anything about each other, you just sit in a room and watch other people interact on screen. You could do that with anyone. If you want to optimize your experience with someone, make sure the focus of your attention is on her and hers on you, not on something else like a movie, glassblowing, etc. Do something that's conducive to you learning about each other and not just watching other people learn about each other. If you don't want to drink, get food somewhere casual. At night.

 

Best of luck.

[40daysforthen253]

Very helpful answers. Thank you!

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Questions.

1. Should I text her "great hanging out with you"?

---After how much time? Or should I just let it go. Note: Don't plan on moving this one forward. I liked her, but I think I was too nervous for her to want to see me again. Didn't make any spark. Though, I can see myself getting over the nerves very quickly and future dates will be fine.

 

If you have some interest, move forward until you are formally rejected. Don't assume that 'they are not interested' because there's no point. They will let you know they are not interested in short order.

[JuneJulySeptember]

2. Lets say I see her at the grocery store. Do I just say "hey. how are you?" casually?. Just seems it would be awkward.

3. The venue (family coffee shop) was platonic. Any suggestions? Notes: I don't drink and I can't dance.

4. When you're sitting at stools and there's no coat check, where do you put your coat? I just scrunched mine up and threw it by my feet. Probably not the classiest.

5. What should I do next?

---My plan is to repeat several times. Everything the same (tinder, same place etc.). If one of them goes well (I'm afraid I was way too nervous this time), I'll propose we see a movie the next night. So that will be my first night date. Good? All this while building my social circle. But first just trying to get comfortable going a date. Not worried about a relationship yet.

 

2) Don't worry about it. I've been rejected awkwardly by women and ended up working with them later. You'll survive.

3) Coffee is fine. A bookstore with a cafe might be a nice meeting places, and then dinner.

4) Lay it over the stool and sit on it.

5) Yep. Just keep going at it. Movie is generally not a good idea, because there's not talking, but you can go to a movie and then cafe afterward and discuss the movie.

 

Just don't overthink it too much. You'll see advice from women that men have to do this and take them here for dates, and get fancy dress and haircuts, and put forth THIS much game. In my experience, women who expect a lot like that won't go out with the type of guys who are asking for dating advice anyway. So, things will tend to take care of themselves naturally.

Edited February 14, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[LookAtThisPOst]

The approach in public places like bookstores, coffee shops, and lines in grocery store check outs could be awkward, but who cares? Though I've tried to do it numerous times and the women give this, "Why is this total stranger trying to talk to me look?" on their faces. They just aren't in the right mindset to be approached.