queenie01 Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Do commitment phobic men ever have regrets or realize what they gave up? Or try and get the person they gave up back? Just curious... Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Are you "just curious" in an academic way? Or "just curious" because you think your ex was a CP and you're hoping he'll come to his senses? (((shrug))) I don't know if they regret it later. My first CP boyfriend turned out to be gay. I seriously doubt he regrets giving me up. (And now, I don't regret it either!!!) My most recent ex, quite possibly also CP, recently reaffirmed his decision to break up with me. Doesn't look like he regrets it either. You don't want a CP back, anyway. As soon as they "have" you again, they'll freak out at the intimacy of it all and run away again. Who needs that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted June 9, 2005 Author Share Posted June 9, 2005 I was curious for both reasons actually... I do think my ex is a commitment phobe but i dont know that he knows that...he broke up with me completely out of the blue. In the beginning he tried so hard to get me to love him and commit too...go figure. We had an awesome relationship, had future plans, never fought etc... Guess I dont really know if he is a commitment phobe but all signs point to yes..i read that book "he's scared, she's scared" and it descibed him to a tee, it was almost scary. I think it may stem from his issues in life, he is very insecure and has major trust issues... his dad cheated on him mom when he was a kid and there was drama from that with his dad coming back and forth leading to them getting divorced then he got married 2 other times and cheated on those wives too... 3 times..thats nuts!! I think that could be the stem of his issues... I just wish he could have talked to me about it, i would have helped him.. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted June 9, 2005 Share Posted June 9, 2005 Whoa there, Nelly. Back up the truck! "I just wish he could have talked to me about it, i would have helped him.." No no no no no! People who have serious psychological issues need professional help. 1) As his girlfriend you would not have been equipped to deal with his "stuff"; 2) it is not your job, nor is it healthy to become your bf's therapist; and 3) don't get sucked into thinking "my love for him would have healed him, if only he would have let me!" If I've learned anything from my failed relationships, it's that sometimes love is simply not enough. I couldn't possibly have loved my emotionally abusive gay ex-boyfriend more, and I made the mistake of sticking around 2 years too long because I thought my love would "heal" his issues, whatever they were. But obviously his issues were way way way beyond me and the best thing that ever happened to me is that he eventually dumped my sorry a$$ (and this was long before he figured out he was gay). I was too in love to extricate myself from the situation. In my recent ex situation, I actually mailed him my copy of He's Scared, She's Scared thinking maybe it would open his eyes. He had, after all, dumped me for no real reasons; we were good together; people thought we'd be engaged soon, blah blah blah. Sounds similar to your situation. So I figured he was in denial about his CP. Yeah....um, he didn't respond too well to the hint. He's either not CP or he's so deep in denial that one little book ain't gonna open the floodgates. Apologies for this little rant, but I guess I'm trying to inject a little more realism and a little less wishful thinking on your part. I am looking forward to the day that I can look back on this ex and feel as thankful that it didn't work out as I feel about my gay ex. I like to imagine that in 5 years time, I will be happily paired off with somebody great, and the recent ex will be close to 40, single, still hanging out with guys a decade younger, drinking beer, gambling, and watching sports all weekend. Yee haw for him. Hopefully the same will be true for you. Link to post Share on other sites
gayboy Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Why is it that you women always accuse someone of being a CP when they dont click with you? Maybe they were just being careful and needed more time, going by their own timetable instead of yours. It's not always "all about you." Maybe they dump you out of the blue for no reason because they don't want to tell you the real reason. They may be sparing you from hurt if they told you the truth. Sunshinegirl, you advise queenie 01 not to try therapy because her BF obviously needs professional help that she cannot provide. This, from a few sentences of her describing some tripe in her BF's past family life. Where did you get your Psych degree to render such a diagnosis? Maybe he just added the cards up and decided to fold her based on his timetable - maybe she was in denial that everything was going great. Maybe it was on her part -she stated that he was sincere and giving, yada yada, and everything was fine. maybe he was tired of giving, and she is a taker, and he wanted a little something back. who knows ... but you label him as a fruit that needs help. Then, you diagnose your EX as being CP because he dumped you, and seem surprised that he didn't take your "diagnosis" very well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Share Posted June 10, 2005 Whoa!! First off thanks for the responses... I definitely dont think my ex is a fruit cake but i do think he is confused and you guys dont know him so of course its easy to speculate. I know the relationship we had and I know he loved me up until the day we broke up...I only was curious about the CP because it is a lot like him and him and his brother have always had issues, which i have known from day one and it stemmed from their father. They have major trust and insecurity issues...that was obvious and he even told me. Just seemed like CP would have made sense especially based on his past relationships etc.. I mean dont get me wrong I could be completely off and for all i know he broke up wth me for another girl but there are way too many weird things hes done. Like after he broke up with me he texted me and said he had an idea, he wanted to keep my stuff so we can get together and talk and see how we feel in a couple weeks.. Well a couple weeks came and he didnt contact me so i emailed him and said i want my stuff back he said he would drop it off, and then made an excuse so i told him to just bring it to work and he said will do and of course he hasnt... Why the hell would he want to hold on to my things??? Any ideas!!! Bottom line is im moving on with my life, do i miss him of course. He completely shocked me, his friends and his family when he broke up with me, no one saw it coming and no one knew he was having doubts... Funny some people told me I should mail him that book...but I never would, if he is CP, he will figure it out on his own.. For now I have just been enforcing NC and I have even changed my gym schedule so that I dont see him here at work...so far I havent run into him in over 2 weeks..but ive been lucky, im bound to see him soon. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 Do commitment phobic men ever have regrets or realize what they gave up? Yes. Or try and get the person they gave up back? Yes again. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Hi gayboy, Why is it that you women always accuse someone of being a CP when they dont click with you? Nice use of one generalization to attack another one. I was responding only to queenie01's statement that she "could have helped" her ex had he only opened up to her. Sure, maybe this guy just wasn't into her. But the danger I was trying to steer her away from was the idea that if her ex was a true CP and thus had some fairly deeply entrenched "stuff" to work through, that it's a very unhealthy idea to imagine that she can help change or heal him. It's, simply put, an unhealthy dynamic to put yourself in, and it virtually never "works out" in the end. As for my own situation, you'll notice that I said that based on his bad reaction to my book that maybe he's not CP at all. I realize perfectly well that not all dumpers are CPs. At the same time, I left out the details of my situation, and I've spent a lot of time thinking and talking it through with people who know what happened between us. At the end of the day, there are indications that my ex may have been a CP. Do I know for sure? (((shrug))) No. I guess time will tell. By the way, queenie01, I was in no way suggesting that your ex might be gay! That just happened to be the case for me, and it went a long way toward explaining why he never wanted to take the next step to get engaged, even though we had discussed marriage and kids ad nauseum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Share Posted June 10, 2005 Thanks sunshine girl...i like you dont truly know if my ex is CP i was just speculating based on his actions and past... he may very well have just "not been into me" but honestly i dont buy it... And his actions are telling me that... Would you have any ideas why he hasnt given me my stuff back yet? when today marks 6 weeks since our break up?? and we are in the same building monday thru friday so there really is no excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted June 10, 2005 Share Posted June 10, 2005 Originally posted by queenie01 Do commitment phobic men ever have regrets or realize what they gave up? Or try and get the person they gave up back? Just curious... I am a recovering committment phobe (but not a man, so I don't know that you want a response from women like me) -- I never regretted pushing people away. In my mind it was a necessary step, I had to protect myself, I did what I felt I needed to do. Once I decided to separate and cut them off I stood by my determination with an amazing amount of tennacity. Regarding the return of posessions, I never returned what items he did leave at my house because I cut him off, and didn't want to deal with seeing him again. So I just threw his things away...but this is just my experience. In recovery now, I feel sad that I hurt people in my past. But I still have no regrets. To stay in those relationships would have poisoned those men, and poisoned me. I had to learn that I am responsible for my own feelings and my own happiness, just as my partner is responsible for himself. We come together, our wavelengths are in sync, but I do not need him, nor should he need me. That is a sick relationship, unnatural, unhealthy, not good for anyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted June 10, 2005 Author Share Posted June 10, 2005 Well i will die if he threw my things out, i have a lot at his place and he is the one who suggested he kept the stuff at his place so that we could get together in a couple weeks to talk and see how we feel. It would be a very bad move for him if he did throw my things out, especially since we work together and he will have to see me. I have been avoiding seeing him the past two weeks by changing my gym schedule and what not but i have to face reality in a week or so and go back to my normal life which means i most definitely will run into him. I dont think he is a full blown commitment phobe, i dont even know if he is, he could just be like your everyday guy who fears commitment, but not to a level that he needs help. Hopefully he will bring my stuff to work like he said he would makes no sense to me as to why he would want to hold on to it any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Happycynic Posted June 13, 2005 Share Posted June 13, 2005 Interesting thread! This reminds me of a situation with my ex. We had a similar situation early on in our breakup. If he's anything like this guy, he is VERY avoidant, and basicly isn't even thinking of you, or of the fact that the right thing to do is to get your stuff back to you, especially when he was the one who suggested leaving it there in the first place. He probably doesn't want to see you right now, because that would bring up feelings about you and the breakup that he'd just prefer to avoid dealing with right now. So, he's selfish and caught up in himself right now, because he is so anxious to avoid the pain of the breakup and his own CP issues. Therefore, even when he sees that box of your stuff in his apartment, it gives him a twinge, but he also very conveniently forgets about it quickly. Its sounds like some of this stuff is quite important to you, so basicly I would give him a time when you are definitley going to be out of your office--and tell him that you WON'T be there so he can drop it off. That will improve your chances of getting your stuff back. All of this sucks, and is so painful. For me it just piled hurt on top of hurt, since it really sent the message at the time that he just didn't give a crap. But then I just put 2 and 2 together, and realized how much better off I was without that kind of weak psychologically stunted BS. I mean, breaking up hurts! But most adult people understand that you have to have to deal with the pain in order to move on, and not try to avoid it (especially when you work in the same building, fer cryin' out loud, he's gotta know he's going to run into you sooner or later). So if any of this resonates with your situation, maybe you are better off without him. You certainly sound like a stronger person, Good luck with getting your things back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenie01 Posted June 13, 2005 Author Share Posted June 13, 2005 Thanks for your response. Thats an interesting way to look at it.. I was honestly leaning towards the fact that he isnt giving my things back is because he is holding on to a part of me. It makes no sense that he would want to keep it. I know I wouldnt... Whatever the case may be, yes he will see him and he will see me very soon because next monday I am returning to my normal gym time of 11 at which i will see him because that is when he goes. I dont know if i buy the fact that he isnt giving me my things back because he cant see me. Hes seen me a million times since our breakup and we havent said a word to each other, quite humorous I think. I am moving on regardless that he is keeping my stuff...i know eventually he will give it to me. Just very sad to me because he turned out to be someone i never knew...in a million years i wouldnt have pegged him for this type.. He was such a nice and considerate guy... Dont get what went wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
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