How long after a break up to contact the ex again?

[truth_seeker]

She's not responding because she's done with you. You pissed/scared her off.

[CasualDude10]

yeah i guess i have to accept my loss and move on..

[Emilia]

Storm in a tea cup. It seems people have forgotten what it's like to be 21. It's not a threat, just dumb

[brokengirl85]

Thanks everyone for your input. But will someone please tell me their opinions on why she hasnt responded to the question ive asked her multiple times when i aksed

 

"Do you want to talk about it or do you think we should go our separate ways."

 

Wow dude what else you need to understand

[Erdbeere]

Storm in a tea cup. It seems people have forgotten what it's like to be 21. It's not a threat, just dumb

 

I don't think age is relevant. I'd hazard a guess that people are responding strongly for the reasons I am - having witnessed controlling behaviour destroy the peace of mind and self-confidence of females. It is a threat, and also dumb. How do you think abusive relationships begin?

[GorillaTheater]

I don't think age is relevant. I'd hazard a guess that people are responding strongly for the reasons I am - having witnessed controlling behaviour destroy the peace of mind and self-confidence of females. It is a threat, and also dumb. How do you think abusive relationships begin?

 

 

F*ck! She was lucky to escape from this relationship with her life!

 

 

[Robratory]

No, you did not mess up. She was grumpy, which was no fault of yours, and you snapped at her. Anybody who would end a relationship over a single remark like that is probably not good relationship material anyway.

 

However, I don't know why you immediately mentioned breaking up, though. You keep suggesting that she "move on." I don't see how that makes nice with here.

[Robratory]

you showed a very rude aspect of you. That is an enormous red flag. One could expect more rudeness along the way and no apologies can make up for that.

 

The way I read it, she was rude first. Being tired doesn't give people license to be grumpy with others. If you're tired, say something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm exhausted. Let's talk later, ok?"

[SwordofFlame]

OP's girl was in a bad mood and he didn't want her to take it out on him. And that makes him controlling?

[CasualDude10]

No, you did not mess up. She was grumpy, which was no fault of yours, and you snapped at her. Anybody who would end a relationship over a single remark like that is probably not good relationship material anyway.

 

However, I don't know why you immediately mentioned breaking up, though. You keep suggesting that she "move on." I don't see how that makes nice with here.

 

yeah for that reason, i am still torn between leaving it up to her to respond( if i do that and she doesnt idk what to do), trying one more time to make it better, or texting her a time to pickup my stuff.

[Erdbeere]

No, you did not mess up. She was grumpy, which was no fault of yours, and you snapped at her. Anybody who would end a relationship over a single remark like that is probably not good relationship material anyway.

 

However, I don't know why you immediately mentioned breaking up, though. You keep suggesting that she "move on." I don't see how that makes nice with here.

 

Total misrepresentation of the situation. She had set a relationship boundary, which he, presumably, accepted. He then crossed that boundary. It wasn't in any way just a single remark; it was a remark that broke an agreed boundary that she had set. Clearly, the consequence of that was always going to be the end of the relationship.

[CasualDude10]

F*ck! She was lucky to escape from this relationship with her life!

 

 

 

yeah idk why people are acting like i abused her physically/emotionally. I already admitted I believe I stepped out of line with her to an expense and I apologized. Some on here are acting like I am a future wife beater.

[Erdbeere]

OP's girl was in a bad mood and he didn't want her to take it out on him. And that makes him controlling?

 

Did you miss the part about her having set a boundary?

[SwordofFlame]

Did you miss the part about her having set a boundary?

 

About not treating her poorly and not letting her walk all over him? Yes. I still don't agree OP did anything wrong. If she wants to break up over this, she isn't worth keeping.

[introverted1]

yeah for that reason, i am still torn between leaving it up to her to respond( if i do that and she doesnt idk what to do), trying one more time to make it better, or texting her a time to pickup my stuff.

 

Assuming your stuff does not include a bomb that will detonate if you don't disarm it within X hours, let it go for a bit. If there is anything to salvage here - and that's a big if -- it would be best to put a little space in your communications. Anything you say now will just lock her into the position she's already more or less articulated. Leave it alone for a few days and see what happens.

 

If she does contact you, tell her simply that you are sorry your misspoke and that you'd like to keep seeing her. Don't frame things in the negative -- "do you want to just move on" -- where a Yes means the end. Tell her what you'd like to have happen. She will either accept your apology and agree or she won't. Don't push it now.

[Emilia]

I don't think age is relevant. I'd hazard a guess that people are responding strongly for the reasons I am - having witnessed controlling behaviour destroy the peace of mind and self-confidence of females. It is a threat, and also dumb. How do you think abusive relationships begin?

 

Absolutely 100% wrong. Age is very relevant and you are probably old enough to know better than throw 'abuse' around because a kid threw a tantrum. YOU should definitely be more responsible.

[Emilia]

Assuming your stuff does not include a bomb that will detonate if you don't disarm it within X hours, let it go for a bit. If there is anything to salvage here - and that's a big if -- it would be best to put a little space in your communications. Anything you say now will just lock her into the position she's already more or less articulated. Leave it alone for a few days and see what happens.

 

If she does contact you, tell her simply that you are sorry your misspoke and that you'd like to keep seeing her. Don't frame things in the negative -- "do you want to just move on" -- where a Yes means the end. Tell her what you'd like to have happen. She will either accept your apology and agree or she won't. Don't push it now.

 

Very sensible advice

[CasualDude10]

Assuming your stuff does not include a bomb that will detonate if you don't disarm it within X hours, let it go for a bit. If there is anything to salvage here - and that's a big if -- it would be best to put a little space in your communications. Anything you say now will just lock her into the position she's already more or less articulated. Leave it alone for a few days and see what happens.

 

If she does contact you, tell her simply that you are sorry your misspoke and that you'd like to keep seeing her. Don't frame things in the negative -- "do you want to just move on" -- where a Yes means the end. Tell her what you'd like to have happen. She will either accept your apology and agree or she won't. Don't push it now.

 

thanks, this is what i plan on doing. i know she works two jobs all day this week from about 9am-2am, she is very busy and the only day off she has is this sunday. im not going to blow up her phone. if i do not hear back from her by tby sunday, im rather going to text her asking to pick my stuff up or text her with a normal conversation (disregarding the situation we are in now)

[The Poster]

I'm in the camp that believes this is a huge overreaction. Like Gorilla said, OP could have used a different language, but I don't think he did anything totally wrong. He crossed a boundary that he didn't know existed when he made the "threat". She could have easily just said "listen, I understand you're upset that I'm being short with you, but I don't like threats. Please don't threaten me again." This is just kids being kids.

 

Now, I DO agree that your biggest mistake, OP, was bothering her so much after the fact. You apologized sincerely, that should have been enough. Just let it go for now. Let her breathe. Give her space and time and see what happens.

[introverted1]

thanks, this is what i plan on doing. i know she works two jobs all day this week from about 9am-2am, she is very busy and the only day off she has is this sunday. im not going to blow up her phone. if i do not hear back from her by tby sunday, im rather going to text her asking to pick my stuff up or text her with a normal conversation (disregarding the situation we are in now)

 

If you text her about picking up your stuff, you put her in the position of either having to say, "Are you sure? Because I was hoping we could work it out" OR -- and this is the more likely option -- going with your flow.

 

Assuming you do NOT want to break up, your only chance is to QUIT approaching with the negative -- "do you want to move on" and "when can I come get my stuff" etc.

 

If Sunday is her first day off after working 17 hours a day every day, let her have the day to unwind. If you have to contact her, do it Sunday night, but keep it low key - you've missed her, are sorry, would like to make plans to see her.

 

Good luck.

[CasualDude10]

If you text her about picking up your stuff, you put her in the position of either having to say, "Are you sure? Because I was hoping we could work it out" OR -- and this is the more likely option -- going with your flow.

 

Assuming you do NOT want to break up, your only chance is to QUIT approaching with the negative -- "do you want to move on" and "when can I come get my stuff" etc.

 

If Sunday is her first day off after working 17 hours a day every day, let her have the day to unwind. If you have to contact her, do it Sunday night, but keep it low key - you've missed her, are sorry, would like to make plans to see her.

 

Good luck.

 

yes i do not want a break up.

 

So youre thinking I should do the low key text of apologizing, missing her, and meeting up as opposed to texting about picking my stuff up?

[introverted1]

yes i do not want a break up.

 

So youre thinking I should do the low key text of apologizing, missing her, and meeting up as opposed to texting about picking my stuff up?

 

Yes.

 

Think about it. If you tell her you want to come pick up your stuff, She can assume one of two things:

 

1. You want to come get your stuff so you can finalize the break-up.

2. You're baiting her by saying you want to come get your stuff in the hopes that she will try to talk you out of doing so.

 

Most women/people won't react well to either of those -- either she'll go along with #1 because she thinks it's what YOU want OR she will see through #2 and just be pissed off that you are shifting the "work" of fixing things to her.

 

So my recommendation is # 3 -- call her (yes, the phone!) and tell her whatever it is you are feeling, which seems to be that you're sorry you misspoke, you miss her, and you'd like to see her. Not saying this is a guarantee, but it has better odds than 1 or 2.

[CasualDude10]

Yes.

 

Think about it. If you tell her you want to come pick up your stuff, She can assume one of two things:

 

1. You want to come get your stuff so you can finalize the break-up.

2. You're baiting her by saying you want to come get your stuff in the hopes that she will try to talk you out of doing so.

 

Most women/people won't react well to either of those -- either she'll go along with #1 because she thinks it's what YOU want OR she will see through #2 and just be pissed off that you are shifting the "work" of fixing things to her.

 

So my recommendation is # 3 -- call her (yes, the phone!) and tell her whatever it is you are feeling, which seems to be that you're sorry you misspoke, you miss her, and you'd like to see her. Not saying this is a guarantee, but it has better odds than 1 or 2.

 

sounds like a good idea. hopefully shell answer when i call.

[CasualDude10]

I would like to thank everyone who took their time to read my situation and reach out to help me out. It really is helping me get through this situation Even though there are a bunch of different views throughout this discussion, I evaluated each one carefully and rationalized from your perspective.

 

I decided I am going to wait for her to reach out to me. I am not going to blow up her phone because that will probably distance herself more. I am going to wait until Sunday and see if she responds. If she doesn't by then, I will rather call or text her one more time. Then go from there.

 

 

If anyone else would like to share their opinion, feel free. Again, talking about it is helping me get through it. Thanks.

[dispatch3d]

Yeah you blundered this pretty bad especially if it is early stages. You can't message a girl 4 times without answer and not come off super-needy, plus you called her, etc. etc. At this stage she knows you like her the ball is in her court. Don't do this in the future.

 

Do not wait until x day then call/text her. Its up to her to progress things, if she likes you she will, and if she doesn't she won't bother. There's really nothing you can do call/text wise that will make her like you.