How long after a break up to contact the ex again?

[CasualDude10]

Yeah you blundered this pretty bad especially if it is early stages. You can't message a girl 4 times without answer and not come off super-needy, plus you called her, etc. etc. At this stage she knows you like her the ball is in her court. Don't do this in the future.

 

Do not wait until x day then call/text her. Its up to her to progress things, if she likes you she will, and if she doesn't she won't bother. There's really nothing you can do call/text wise that will make her like you.

 

yeah ik idk why i blew her up. terrible move. but i need to get my clothes back from her.

[CasualDude10]

So I figured I would give you all an update. She texted me while I was at practice saying:

 

"I don't plan to pursue anything further at this point. Like I said, you threatened me with an action because you didn't like something that I was doing. And I clearly do not tolerate that. Maybe I was wrong at first, but then again I was only being short. Not mean or disrepectful. To me, being talkative is not a thing I must uphold at all times of the day. I had even mentioned I was grumpy. So for you to give me and ultimatum, so early on, and for something so stupid.... I will not stick around for something like that. So thanks for apologizing, and Ill get your clothes back asap."

 

to this I responded

 

"Okay. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. Just know that I know I messed up and I learned my lesson if we were ever to talk again. You were literally the ideal girl, like all the aspects you have I love. Lowkey the highlight to what was going on in my life. I messed up big time. But there is nothing I can do but wish you nothing but the best."

 

 

I know its now done. Which is actually nice to know, but still sucks obviously. I am going to give her space. But I want to in the future try again with her. Or do you think I should just move on all together.

 

Thanks everyone

[basil67]

If a boyfriend was repeatedly being a grumpy pain in the arse, I'd probably say much the same thing. And it wouldn't be a threat - I would seriously leave someone who took out their moods on me. Though they'd gain back points by saying things like "I'm really sorry that I'm in a crap mood, things went bad at work today" or "I'm not much for talking tonight, can we just watch a movie?"

 

Casual Dude, I give you credit for having your own boundaries. However, it sounds like you probably rushed in a little quickly. That being said, if she's crabby and short with you when you've only been together for a month, imagine having her as a girlfriend when she's not longer on her best behaviour!

 

Best to avoid moody people. You've probably dodged a bullet.

[ashy555]

My gosh... I look up to that woman and will remember this. She clearly knows what she wants and wont take sh*t from anyone. I need to be more hard a** like this.

 

Also I am sorry it didn't work out for you. At least you learnt from your mistake

[ashy555]

If a boyfriend was repeatedly being a grumpy pain in the arse, I'd probably say much the same thing. And it wouldn't be a threat - I would seriously leave someone who took out their moods on me. Though they'd gain back points by saying things like "I'm really sorry that I'm in a crap mood, things went bad at work today" or "I'm not much for talking tonight, can we just watch a movie?"

 

Casual Dude, I give you credit for having your own boundaries. However, it sounds like you probably rushed in a little quickly. That being said, if she's crabby and short with you when you've only been together for a month, imagine having her as a girlfriend when she's not longer on her best behaviour!

 

Best to avoid moody people. You've probably dodged a bullet.

 

 

 

YES... This too. Moody people are the worst

[CasualDude10]

My gosh... I look up to that woman and will remember this. She clearly knows what she wants and wont take sh*t from anyone. I need to be more hard a** like this.

 

Also I am sorry it didn't work out for you. At least you learnt from your mistake

 

hard ass to an extent, but realize that all dudes arent the same and can slip up once.

[FeelingFireworks]

Read this with interest. I think a lot of posters here were too hard on you. A lot of projecting too I feel.

 

A few things I noticed:

 

• You were not abusive. Simply frustrated someone took out their bad mood in you, and you responded in like.
  
• Even though you are only only 1 month into your relationship, it reads like you are spending a lot of time in each other's company - that's a surefire way to see each other's imperfections a lot sooner in a relationship. So I'm not too surprised you had your first tiff this early on.
  
• Your constant contact/grovelling after she distanced herself was really where you did yourself a disservice. You should've said a genuine sorry once and respected the request for space. That would've given her thinking space. Also grovelling is an overreaction to the situation here, possibly even lowering your own respectability and diminishing the other person's need to account for their own part in the situation. Even if you like a person, keep the situation in perspective. It's the best way to maintain being grounded & viewed as an equal.
  
• I don't think this was an unsalveageable situation so I understood you wanted to explore her feelings. However, reconciliation is a personal choice based on personal boundaries. She stated her boundary so just leave her be.
  

 

Use it as a learning point. Perhaps One or both of you should've taken the position to extricate yourselves from the other's company or chosen your words more carefully to voice discontent. But hindsight is 20/20. Maybe something to consider in your next relationship

[Acacia98]

That he wouldn't respond to grumpy texts? I'm not sure that's worthy of the word "threat".

 

Yep. I'm with you. "Threat" is mighty strong.

[Acacia98]

To me this is the real mistake you made: bugging her to death in the aftermath.

 

Exactly, GorillaTheater. That's precisely what I thought. I thought his snapping at her was about as offensive as her being short with him (both forgivable missteps if they're not the norm). But his pestering her afterwards... definitely a bigger issue.

[Acacia98]

I know its now done. Which is actually nice to know, but still sucks obviously. I am going to give her space. But I want to in the future try again with her. Or do you think I should just move on all together.

 

Leave her be. She's clearly a direct communicator and says what she means. If you try to pursue her, she will view that as a violation of her boundaries. And that will more or less push her into reliving the reason for your breakup.

 

I will say one thing, though. You seem to have a manipulative communicative style. That is something that you should work on before getting into a new relationship.

[Tribble]

So I figured I would give you all an update. She texted me while I was at practice saying:

 

"I don't plan to pursue anything further at this point. Like I said, you threatened me with an action because you didn't like something that I was doing. And I clearly do not tolerate that. Maybe I was wrong at first, but then again I was only being short. Not mean or disrepectful. To me, being talkative is not a thing I must uphold at all times of the day. I had even mentioned I was grumpy. So for you to give me and ultimatum, so early on, and for something so stupid.... I will not stick around for something like that. So thanks for apologizing, and Ill get your clothes back asap."

 

to this I responded

 

"Okay. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. Just know that I know I messed up and I learned my lesson if we were ever to talk again. You were literally the ideal girl, like all the aspects you have I love. Lowkey the highlight to what was going on in my life. I messed up big time. But there is nothing I can do but wish you nothing but the best."

 

 

I know its now done. Which is actually nice to know, but still sucks obviously. I am going to give her space. But I want to in the future try again with her. Or do you think I should just move on all together.

 

Thanks everyone

 

 

I feel like I'm missing something. Where was the ultimatum?? She was grumpy. You said you weren't going to respond if she continued. I took that to mean you didn't want to talk to her when she was grumpy and would not to her later. Not stop talking to her altogether. Why would you want to talk to her when she was being like that? Sure, you could have worded it better and sometimes things come across in text that we don't mean but it feels like an overreaction. You said she doesn't like guys who let her walk over them but she clearly does this. She was grumpy and you didn't want to talk to her when she was like that yet your in the wrong.

 

 

Don't try this again. You and she don't see eye to eye. Learn the lesson and next time don't blow up her phone. There was your mistake!

[CasualDude10]

The past couple of days I had an active thread on here about this girl I have been seeing.

 

Heres the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/569111-what-would-you-do-3.html

 

Basically what happened was, this girl and I have been seeing each other for the past month. Calling each other babe/baby, talking everyday, staying at each others house, etc. Well, last Friday I stayed the night there and everything was great until the next day when she was being short with me via text, and I snapped on her by saying "If you don't stop being short with me, Ill just not text you anymore." To my deepest regrets, she took this very seriously and is now after countless calls and texts which were barely replied too, she wants to cut it off. In fact here is the text she sent me...

 

"I don't plan to pursue anything further at this point. Like I said, you threatened me with an action because you didn't like something that I was doing. And I clearly do not tolerate that. Maybe I was wrong at first, but then again I was only being short. Not mean or disrepectful. To me, being talkative is not a thing I must uphold at all times of the day. I had even mentioned I was grumpy. So for you to give me and ultimatum, so early on, and for something so stupid.... I will not stick around for something like that. So thanks for apologizing, and Ill get your clothes back asap."

 

to this I responded

 

"Okay. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. Just know that I know I messed up and I learned my lesson if we were ever to talk again. You were literally the ideal girl, like all the aspects you have I love. Lowkey the highlight to what was going on in my life. I messed up big time. But there is nothing I can do but wish you nothing but the best."

 

 

Now I am giving her her space. But I am still pretty heartbroken that I messed up this bad with literally my ideal girl. She was in a bad/abusive relationship before and I messed up.

 

So basically what I am wondering is, how long should I let her be for? Should I just let her go all in all? Or at some point in the future should I reach out to her to try to mend things and go back to how we were literally 5 days ago? Please answer my question and don't tell me how wrong I was. I am well aware...

 

Thanks

[NVO]

"Okay. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. Just know that I know I messed up and I learned my lesson if we were ever to talk again.

 

 

Great response. You should have stopped there.

 

 

You were literally the ideal girl, like all the aspects you have I love. Lowkey the highlight to what was going on in my life.

 

But instead you are going down this road. You were together for one month? Even on and off? Don't do this to yourself.

 

 

So basically what I am wondering is, how long should I let her be for? Should I just let her go all in all? Or at some point in the future should I reach out to her to try to mend things and go back to how we were literally 5 days ago? Please answer my question and don't tell me how wrong I was. I am well aware...

 

We all make mistakes. And the ones that hurt us most are the ones we learn from. So take a mental note and don't repeat. And you don't do anything. She told you: 'I don't plan to pursue anything further at this point', so respect that decision. If she thinks otherwise she will come back around. If she does not you won't be hanging on to someone you've been seeing for a month.

 

 

I know this feeling. 'Alright, I'm going to give her some time and I'll contact her in two weeks from now. She will be feeling different by then for sure.' This waiting game is going to drive you insane, I've been there. Just move on and let the magic happen.

[266696687]

The past couple of days I had an active thread on here about this girl I have been seeing.

 

Heres the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/569111-what-would-you-do-3.html

 

Basically what happened was, this girl and I have been seeing each other for the past month. Calling each other babe/baby, talking everyday, staying at each others house, etc. Well, last Friday I stayed the night there and everything was great until the next day when she was being short with me via text, and I snapped on her by saying "If you don't stop being short with me, Ill just not text you anymore." To my deepest regrets, she took this very seriously and is now after countless calls and texts which were barely replied too, she wants to cut it off. In fact here is the text she sent me...

 

"I don't plan to pursue anything further at this point. Like I said, you threatened me with an action because you didn't like something that I was doing. And I clearly do not tolerate that. Maybe I was wrong at first, but then again I was only being short. Not mean or disrepectful. To me, being talkative is not a thing I must uphold at all times of the day. I had even mentioned I was grumpy. So for you to give me and ultimatum, so early on, and for something so stupid.... I will not stick around for something like that. So thanks for apologizing, and Ill get your clothes back asap."

 

to this I responded

 

"Okay. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. Just know that I know I messed up and I learned my lesson if we were ever to talk again. You were literally the ideal girl, like all the aspects you have I love. Lowkey the highlight to what was going on in my life. I messed up big time. But there is nothing I can do but wish you nothing but the best."

 

 

Now I am giving her her space. But I am still pretty heartbroken that I messed up this bad with literally my ideal girl. She was in a bad/abusive relationship before and I messed up.

 

So basically what I am wondering is, how long should I let her be for? Should I just let her go all in all? Or at some point in the future should I reach out to her to try to mend things and go back to how we were literally 5 days ago? Please answer my question and don't tell me how wrong I was. I am well aware...

 

Thanks

 

I think you blew it. Your relationship was still very new and in these early days it's important to communicate and figure out how to resolve issues together.

 

In this case she told you she was feeling grumpy and you threatened her with a breakup (will never text again) to get what you wanted which was her to be her usually talkative self.

 

This was not the right way to go and shows immaturity. If she was feeling grumpy and she told you so you should have backed off. Gave her some space to get out of her grumpy mood rather than threaten her with if you don't do what I want I'll never talk to you again. It's really childish and I'm not surprised she ended things.

 

You cannot threaten to breakup with someone and then expect them to stick around. Threats don't work. You tried to threaten her to get what you wanted without taking into account her feelings. You need to grow up a bit before attempting another relationship. Relationships are about both of you. Not just you and what you want and how you feel. It's both of you.

 

The future is bleak with someone who threatens to breakup every time you do or say something the other person doesn't like. "You didn't hug me when I met up with you so I'm never gonna talk to you again." "You won't smile at me like you usually do so I'm never gonna talk yo you again" - do you see how childish this behaviour is?

 

Learn from it and move on.

Edited February 10, 2016 by 266696687

[LostOnes05]

Wait a minute...so she gets a free pass because she told him she was grumpy and she knew she was being short with him? That shouldn't be. I don't agree with the ultimatum you gave her, but I'm curious as to how she would interpret the same behavior. I would've said something like, "You may be going through something right now but if you won't communicate the issue with me so we can talk about it, then it's really unfair to be short with me. Let me know when you're ready to talk".

[d0nnivain]

In order to fix things you have to talk. Silence makes things worse because the bad feelings fester.

 

If it's over, you stay NC forever.

[Lois_Griffin]

He didn't try to set a boundary. He made a threat.

Where did you read that he made a threat???

 

She'd been short and snappy with him all day and he finally told her he wasn't gong to reply to her anymore if she was going to continue treating him that way.

 

He did the right thing. She can have a bad day but it doesn't mean the OP has to be a simpering little weenie and take her abuse again and again and again hour after hour.

 

You did nothing wrong, OP.

[Lois_Griffin]

Thanks everyone for your input. But will someone please tell me their opinions on why she hasnt responded to the question ive asked her multiple times when i aksed

 

"Do you want to talk about it or do you think we should go our separate ways."

Honestly? Because she's an immature little b*tch who thinks the world revolves around her. She sounds like your typical 20-something self-absorbed daddy's princess.

[266696687]

Wait a minute...so she gets a free pass because she told him she was grumpy and she knew she was being short with him? That shouldn't be. I don't agree with the ultimatum you gave her, but I'm curious as to how she would interpret the same behavior. I would've said something like, "You may be going through something right now but if you won't communicate the issue with me so we can talk about it, then it's really unfair to be short with me. Let me know when you're ready to talk".

 

Not a free pass but everyone has their off days or being grumpy days and instead of asking her why she was being short or backing off (she had already explained to him she was feeling grumpy) he could have waited for her to come to him but instead he threatened her with a breakup. That's never gonna work out well.

 

He continued to text her repeatedly after she told him she was grumpy and was getting short replies. She didn't respond how he wanted or expected (her being talkative or chatty) so he threatened her. Short replies is a clear hint that the person wants a bit of space.

 

They've only been dating a month. You have to know when to back off. You can't force a conversation especially when someone was clearly not in the mood but he kept trying to make her talk to him.

Edited February 10, 2016 by 266696687

[elaine567]

No-one is asking why she was grumpy with him in the first place.

I guess the great time had by him on Friday night and how well he perceived he got on with her room mate may not be how she saw it at all, hence the grumpiness.

Or she may just have been feeling a bit hemmed in and needed some alone time, either way threatening her with breaking up, certainly did not help matters

It is finished, she has now made that perfectly clear.

[biggmoney88]

yeah man i think you definitely messed up by sounding so assertive so early on in a negative way. Move on, find someone better man.

[266696687]

No-one is asking why she was grumpy with him in the first place.

I guess the great time had by him on Friday night and how well he perceived he got on with her room mate may not be how she saw it at all, hence the grumpiness.

Or she may just have been feeling a bit hemmed in and needed some alone time, either way threatening her with breaking up, certainly did not help matters

It is finished, she has now made that perfectly clear.

 

If you read the other thread he made regarding the situation she'd already explained to him she was grumpy and tired at work. Assuming when he'd stayed over the night before with the roommate they'd all had a late night. She probably just wanted to get through the day and have a good night sleep. He was aware she was tired and grumpy and tried to force her into a usual chit chatty conversation and it didn't work. He wasn't getting the response he wanted so threatened her.

 

He brought this on himself.

[LostOnes05]

I agree that the ultimatum was a terrible move. But I think a simple "hey, just give me a few days to sort things out on my own and I'll fill you in later" would have been sufficient. That at least says hey, don't want to drag you into my bad mood but we'll talk later. I just think it was a lapse in communication on her part and terrible judgement on his. If I got the above message, I'd say ok let me know if you need anything.

 

While I agree that you have to know when to back off, after a month boundaries are still being established. But communication has to be there when you involve someone else in your life. So a simple and nice message should have given him a clue...no need to be short, unless there was an issue before. And he should've replied in kind...but hindsight is 20/20. He'll learn that you never give women ultimatums you aren't willing to actually uphold or ultimatums period. (kinda weirded me out that I wrote period and then ended the sentence with a period haha).

Edited February 10, 2016 by LostOnes05

[266696687]

I agree that the ultimatum was a terrible move. But I think a simple "hey, just give me a few days to sort things out on my own and I'll fill you in later" would have been sufficient. That at least says hey, don't want to drag you into my bad mood but we'll talk later. I just think it was a lapse in communication on her part and terrible judgement on his. If I got the above message, I'd say ok let me know if you need anything.

 

While I agree that you have to know when to back off, after a month boundaries are still being established. But communication has to be there when you involve someone else in your life. So a simple and nice message should have given him a clue...no need to be short, unless there was an issue before. And he should've replied in kind...but hindsight is 20/20. He'll learn that you never give women ultimatums you aren't willing to actually uphold.

 

Lost one If you read the other thread she had already explained to him she was tired and grumpy at work. He had been over to hers the night before to meet the room mate and had obviously had a late night. She was clearly not enjoying her day at work due to being tired. He was already aware. She had communicated her reason to him already but he persisted in trying to engage her in chit chat. It backfired. He kept trying to force her to communicate with him. When he didn't respect her space after that she gave him short replies. That didn't work either and he threatened her. He needs to grow up.

Edited February 10, 2016 by 266696687

[elaine567]

If you read the other thread he made regarding the situation she'd already explained to him she was grumpy and tired at work. Assuming when he'd stayed over the night before with the roommate they'd all had a late night. She probably just wanted to get through the day and have a good night sleep. He was aware she was tired and grumpy and tried to force her into a usual chit chatty conversation and it didn't work. He wasn't getting the response he wanted so threatened her.

 

He brought this on himself.

 

I did read the other thread before responding, but it is very easy to blame grumpiness on tiredness.

I was just exploring other possibilities for her grumpiness with him.