How long after a break up to contact the ex again?

[jen1447]

Sorry but I think you killed yourself in your concession speech/text. So wondering how long to wait to make unwanted contact is probably moot at this point.

[caringsister]

Been seeing this girl for a little over a month. Been talking everyday since. We go out to dinner,stay the night at each others houses, etc. Both are 21. Called me her baby, her guy twin, and talked about a future with me. Anyways, Friday I stayed the night at her house and met her roommate (which she was nervous for). It went great and she said she loved that he liked me.

 

She worked the next morning, and throughout the day was short with me saying she was tired/grumpy because of no sleep. I then (to my deepest regret) sort of snapped on her, saying "its fine youre grumpy, but if you are going to keep being short with me, i just wont respond to you anymore." she then replied by saying "i do not do threats, nice talking to you."

 

So Saturday night and Sunday morning, I texted her 5 times, the last two texts basically saying "if you want to move on, let me know, im sorry" and i also called her 4-5 times between those two days. She never answered. Clearly ignoring me.

 

This morning, I came to the conclusion that she blocked my number (since she never answered and her texts didnt say "read") so I messaged her on twitter saying "I think u blocked my number, just know again I am sorry, and if you want to move on, let me know, I just need to get my clothes back)

 

She then texted me later saying this: "Im in class all day. And no I didn't block your number, I just wasn't ready to reply. But either way, I can get you, I'll get you your clothes back."

 

I replied back saying: "okay cool. did u want to talk about all of this or would you rather we just go different ways."

 

She read it at 5pm, and still has not responded up to this point.

 

So basically, I believe I messed up big time. I really like and care for this girl, and she warned me in the past to not treat her bad because of past relationships that she was mistreated in.

 

I have apologized and I do not know if I should move on or not. The thing I realized is, I asked her about 4 messages in a row if she wants to move on. She never said she did, but she also said she didn't.

 

Being tired does not give a person the right to be short aka rude. You told her if she is going to continue to be short you wont repond to her text anymore and she pops off with your threatening her? It is perfectly okay to not want to converse with someone who is being short. She is to extreme and sounds like you would have to walk on eggshells to be with her. Its her way or the highway. In my opinion you dodged a bullet.

[mightycpa]

Well, first, and I think you get this, you're a hothead. You really ****ed up and XGF2B called your bluff. Boom!

 

Second, and hopefully you get this too, your "I understand and I accept it" text did you no favors. If anything, a visit with some flowers and an explanation and an apology might have done the trick. Difficult to say, not knowing the girl. I have to give her big props for how she dealt with you. Lot's of self-respect there, and she's taking no **** from you.

 

Third, and I bet you'll get this, some words of wisdom handed down from the ages:

 

Never deliver an ultimatum to a grumpy girl who is being short with you if you're not prepared to follow through.

 

OK, now, what to do? I think your only chance is a face to face visit. You need to be prepared to explain your self (the hothead part), explain why you delivered an ultimatum (the no wisdom part), apologize and promise you'll never threaten your relationship with her again. Some flowers wouldn't hurt either. The longer you wait (last Friday, today is Wednesday (cringe)) the less likely you'll meet with success.

[mightycpa]

I agree that the ultimatum was a terrible move. But I think a simple "hey, just give me a few days to sort things out on my own and I'll fill you in later" would have been sufficient. That at least says hey, don't want to drag you into my bad mood but we'll talk later. I just think it was a lapse in communication on her part and terrible judgement on his. If I got the above message, I'd say ok let me know if you need anything.

 

While I agree that you have to know when to back off, after a month boundaries are still being established. But communication has to be there when you involve someone else in your life. So a simple and nice message should have given him a clue...no need to be short, unless there was an issue before. And he should've replied in kind...but hindsight is 20/20. He'll learn that you never give women ultimatums you aren't willing to actually uphold or ultimatums period. (kinda weirded me out that I wrote period and then ended the sentence with a period haha).

Well, that's the thing about ultimatums, isn't it? She essentially made a decision about how she expected to be treated. She was well within her rights to do that.

 

I can't tell you how many threads I'm sure we've all read where the dumpee gets all weepy about how he/she was being treated for months, and asks why, and the reply is always the same. Because you let them.

 

Here we have a fine example of how someone didn't let them. She didn't go all drama girl either. She just took out the axe and cut his ass off.

 

If you think she overreacted, just remember:

 

1) She doesn't need a reason to cut it off with him

2) He handed her a reason on a silver platter

3) All other things being equal, she was not going to put up with his bull****.

 

I think I like this girl.

[jen1447]

I think I like this girl.

 

All the more impressive that she was in an abusive relationship before and had the wherewithal to get out and break the cycle, and now stand up for herself.

[CasualDude10]

thanks everyone for their responses. but once again, the main reason for me to post about this again was not to find out how wrong/right i was. i believe i was wrong and i said that.

 

the point was to find out is if I continue to give space to her and see if she contacts me, meet her face to face to talk about it (although she pretty much said what she needed), cut it off forever, or wait for some time to try to re-spark what we had (and if so how long).

[Robratory]

I feel like I'm missing something. Where was the ultimatum??

 

This was the horrible threat the OP directed against this poor woman. "its fine youre grumpy, but if you are going to keep being short with me, i just wont respond to you anymore."

 

And even after a couple of days, this is her take, "Like I said, you threatened me with an action because you didn't like something that I was doing. And I clearly do not tolerate that. Maybe I was wrong at first, but then again I was only being short. Not mean or disrepectful. To me, being talkative is not a thing I must uphold at all times of the day. I had even mentioned I was grumpy. So for you to give me an ultimatum, so early on, and for something so stupid.... I will not stick around for something like that."

 

Snore...

 

I think one of two things happened here. Either the woman had been thinking about breaking up, and this incident provided a convenient excuse, or the woman is a high-maintenance drama queen who thinks she can be snippy as long as she's not, by her standards, "mean or disrespectful," and that no one has the right to call her on the carpet.

[introverted1]

Sorry to hear CD, but, honestly, I think you may have dodged a bullet here. Anyone who can get quite this worked up over what was pretty much a case of poorly chosen words in response to moodiness... well, I don't want to think how she would deal with an actual issue. Or how moody she'd be once she wasn't on honeymoon best behavior.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out as you'd hoped.

[hippychick3]

I'm in the camp that says she way overreacted here. I don't see that the OP did anything that horrible to warrant her breaking up with him.

 

I would bet 10 bucks she has another guy in the wings and was looking for any excuse to break it off.

[strawberryshortstack]

actually no she never did make it clear. she never responded multiple times when i have asked her and thats one of the main things that is killing me.

 

 

Silence speaks volumes.

[CasualDude10]

So it's been like two days since I've talked to her, and I am already starting to get over her. I read this article here

(http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/272674-getting-ex-back-laws-attraction) and realized a couple things.

 

1. I relied on her for happiness for the time being. Which was a huge no.

 

2. By blowing up her phone, and the last message I sent her, I left the POWER in her hands.

 

So, the reason I am posting, because that article brought some things to me. The whole article says to get them back, you have to love yourself more in a sense and move on and show the ther person you have moved on. I have no problem with that.

 

But the problem I have, is simply I left her the power(I need to regain that) and she still has my clothes. Now, I know I said I would leave her be, and I have to this point. And again, I'm not thinking of her as much, although I would like to date her again..

 

So I need your opinions.

 

Since I left her the power, should I send one more text saying something along the lines of "hey, now that I have let the situation die down, I realize I got caught up in my feelings and allowed you to get to me. But I am more than ready to move on. I apologize for letting you become the source of my happiness, I'll pick up my clothes Sunday."

 

And then go about my life and not contact her for a long long time

 

Or should I just not text her, and go about my life. But the problem with that is I left the power in her hands. But then again idk if my text would put her in her place sort of or look like a sign of weakness in my behalf.

 

Like I said, I'm already getting over her to a certain point. I just lowkey want to see if it'll work in the future and according to the article it says to get the power back and hit them up in like 3months or so.

 

I have no problem with that, also, I need to get my clothes

[strawberryshortstack]

So it's been like two days since I've talked to her, and I am already starting to get over her. I read this article here

(http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/272674-getting-ex-back-laws-attraction) and realized a couple things.

 

1. I relied on her for happiness for the time being. Which was a huge no.

 

2. By blowing up her phone, and the last message I sent her, I left the POWER in her hands.

 

So, the reason I am posting, because that article brought some things to me. The whole article says to get them back, you have to love yourself more in a sense and move on and show the ther person you have moved on. I have no problem with that.

 

But the problem I have, is simply I left her the power(I need to regain that) and she still has my clothes. Now, I know I said I would leave her be, and I have to this point. And again, I'm not thinking of her as much, although I would like to date her again..

 

So I need your opinions.

 

Since I left her the power, should I send one more text saying something along the lines of "hey, now that I have let the situation die down, I realize I got caught up in my feelings and allowed you to get to me. But I am more than ready to move on. I apologize for letting you become the source of my happiness, I'll pick up my clothes Sunday."

 

And then go about my life and not contact her for a long long time

 

Or should I just not text her, and go about my life. But the problem with that is I left the power in her hands. But then again idk if my text would put her in her place sort of or look like a sign of weakness in my behalf.

 

Like I said, I'm already getting over her to a certain point. I just lowkey want to see if it'll work in the future and according to the article it says to get the power back and hit them up in like 3months or so.

 

I have no problem with that, also, I need to get my clothes

 

If you feel that you MUST text her, stick to the business of getting your clothes back and nothing more - anything more and you're not taking back power, you're just giving her more.

 

Honestly though, I think you're better off just letting the clothes go - clothes can be replaced. Leave her be and move on with your life - with new clothes.

[CasualDude10]

So it's been like two days since I've talked to her, and I am already starting to get over her. I read this article here

(Getting Ex Back - Laws of Attraction) and realized a couple things.

 

1. I relied on her for happiness for the time being. Which was a huge no.

 

2. By blowing up her phone, and the last message I sent her, I left the POWER in her hands.

 

So, the reason I am posting, because that article brought some things to me. The whole article says to get them back, you have to love yourself more in a sense and move on and show the ther person you have moved on. I have no problem with that.

 

But the problem I have, is simply I left her the power(I need to regain that) and she still has my clothes. Now, I know I said I would leave her be, and I have to this point. And again, I'm not thinking of her as much, although I would like to date her again..

 

So I need your opinions.

 

Since I left her the power, should I send one more text saying something along the lines of "hey, now that I have let the situation die down, I realize I got caught up in my feelings and allowed you to get to me. But I am more than ready to move on. I apologize for letting you become the source of my happiness, I'll pick up my clothes Sunday."

 

And then go about my life and not contact her for a long long time

 

Or should I just not text her, and go about my life. But the problem with that is I left the power in her hands. But then again idk if my text would put her in her place sort of or look like a sign of weakness in my behalf.

 

Like I said, I'm already getting over her to a certain point. I just lowkey want to see if it'll work in the future and according to the article it says to get the power back and hit them up in like 3months or so.

 

I have no problem with that, also, I need to get my clothes

Share

[Satu]

You haven't left the power in her hands.

 

You have as much power as you ever did.

 

Thinking that you left your power with her is your problem.

 

Don't use games or strategies with people.

 

Its dishonest, insincere, and can be spotted from a mile away.

Edited February 12, 2016 by Satu

[CasualDude10]

You haven't left the power in her hands.

 

You have as much power as you ever did.

 

Thinking that you left your power with her, is your problem.

 

Don't use games or strategies with people.

 

Its dishonest, insincere, and can be spotted from a mile away.

 

I feel I did because she cut it off, I overreacted and blew her stuff up telling her I like her to try to get her back, soo I feel I did

[Satu]

I feel I did because she cut it off, I overreacted and blew her stuff up telling her I like her to try to get her back, soo I feel I did

 

You may feel like she took your power, but she didn't.

 

She can't. Nobody can.

 

She decided that she didn't like your behaviour.

 

She doesn't want any power over you.

 

She wants you to get lost.

 

I think thats your best and probably only, option.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah dude, you're dead to rights here. I mean, consider the clothes a breakup tax of sorts. Hell, she might send them back to you once she realizes they're there. And I agree with Satu -- there's no power play from her happening here. In fact, she took off strictly due to you trying to power-play her.

 

You flew too close to the sun. Learn the lesson and don't repeat it. We all screw up; just don't make the same mistake twice.

[mightycpa]

You didn't leave any power with her. You left an impression with her, and that's going to be very difficult to erase.

[jen1447]

OP, you seem to be pretty jumbled up here so I'll make some jumbled points ....

 

You don't get over someone in 2 days. Ppl who are over someone or who are ready to move on don't plot ways to get back together w/them. Ppl who are genuine don't use strategies to get exes back via manipulation. So you're being a little dishonest w/yourself.

 

This 'Laws of Attraction' business sounds bscly like a PUA manual, so that's why you get these notions about power and all that. PUAs definitely view romantic/sexual interaction as a game or power struggle, with whoever has the upper hand getting their way. Unfortunately that's not a foundation for any kind of real relationship. What that'd possibly get you, if you could work it to perfection, is a disillusioned ex back feeling uptight and insecure about why she feels drawn to you despite having been done w/you. So throw away the manuals.

 

Your conundrum is this - you want your ex back, and the only way for a genuine person to approach their ex is genuinely. Unfortunately the genuine you is what she's decided she's done with, so these efforts almost universally fail. (It's the same for dumpees the world over.) It's like you offer a lump of coal for an apple, they say no, and you counter-offer two lumps of coal. It's just not going anywhere.

 

PUAs specialize in manipulating ppl's feelings to create phony notions about having mistaken the dumpee that you can capitalize on for sex and a temporary return to the relationship, but since they're transparent they tend to be unhappy and fall apart. I don't think you'd want to be the guy who tricked his ex into taking him back anyway.

 

Also unless you left your entire wardrobe at hers, forget the clothes. She's made it very clear where she stands and where you stand w/her so you should respect that. If you're looking for some sense of closure or still the hope that she'll think highly of you down the road, having dignity and respecting her is the best way to do it.

[Satu]

OP, you seem to be pretty jumbled up here so I'll make some jumbled points ....

 

You don't get over someone in 2 days. Ppl who are over someone or who are ready to move on don't plot ways to get back together w/them. Ppl who are genuine don't use strategies to get exes back via manipulation. So you're being a little dishonest w/yourself.

 

This 'Laws of Attraction' business sounds bscly like a PUA manual, so that's why you get these notions about power and all that. PUAs definitely view romantic/sexual interaction as a game or power struggle, with whoever has the upper hand getting their way. Unfortunately that's not a foundation for any kind of real relationship. What that'd possibly get you, if you could work it to perfection, is a disillusioned ex back feeling uptight and insecure about why she feels drawn to you despite having been done w/you. So throw away the manuals.

 

Your conundrum is this - you want your ex back, and the only way for a genuine person to approach their ex is genuinely. Unfortunately the genuine you is what she's decided she's done with, so these efforts almost universally fail. (It's the same for dumpees the world over.) It's like you offer a lump of coal for an apple, they say no, and you counter-offer two lumps of coal. It's just not going anywhere.

 

PUAs specialize in manipulating ppl's feelings to create phony notions about having mistaken the dumpee that you can capitalize on for sex and a temporary return to the relationship, but since they're transparent they tend to be unhappy and fall apart. I don't think you'd want to be the guy who tricked his ex into taking him back anyway.

 

Also unless you left your entire wardrobe at hers, forget the clothes. She's made it very clear where she stands and where you stand w/her so you should respect that. If you're looking for some sense of closure or still the hope that she'll think highly of you down the road, having dignity and respecting her is the best way to do it.

 

Awesome post.

[Brando]

I say do it man. Try those "get your ex back strategies." We will all be here for you when you start the next thread "It's hopeless....going NC."

 

I've actually used them and gotten my ex back....that lasted a couple months and then I got redumped haha (dumped 2 times in 2 months). They don't work...they are manipulative and a waste of time. Spend your time working on you!!

 

Leave her alone. Buy new clothes. You didn't get over her in 2 days....so now it's time to truly get over her and better yourself.

 

Trust me. Once you are further removed from the situation you will realize things weren't so good and there is a reason you broke up. Do you!

[CasualDude10]

So she tweeted today three times, and she NEVER tweets. She tweeted these three things.

 

1. Happy 4 u

2. Heads up are nice

3. 5 steps forward and 3 steps back

 

Which makes me believe she just got punched in the face by karma and a different dude. It seems to me also she was talking to this dude while she was saying stuff to me "I love the looks of our future together, youre perfect, my baby, blah blah blah." Rather she did cut me off because of me being an ass, or not. She still seems like she was with a different dude.

 

Which would also explain why she cut it off with me so easily the next day. THANKS SO MUCH. I clearly did dodge a bullet with this one. Such a shady person. Now I have gone no contact since, and we will see how long it takes her to reach out to me realizing "oh i f'd up." And I just curve her back. lmao

 

Thanks everyone

[CasualDude10]

So she tweeted today three times, and she NEVER tweets. She tweeted these three things.

 

1. Happy 4 u

2. Heads up are nice

3. 5 steps forward and 3 steps back

 

Which makes me believe she just got punched in the face by karma and a different dude. It seems to me also she was talking to this dude while she was saying stuff to me "I love the looks of our future together, youre perfect, my baby, blah blah blah." Rather she did cut me off because of me being an ass, or not. She still seems like she was with a different dude.

 

Which would also explain why she cut it off with me so easily the next day. THANKS SO MUCH. I clearly did dodge a bullet with this one. Such a shady person. Now I have gone no contact since, and we will see how long it takes her to reach out to me realizing "oh i f'd up." And I just curve her back. lmao

 

Thanks everyone

[mightycpa]

According to my reckoning, she still thinks she's two steps ahead, net, net, net, and I imagine 5 steps ahead when it comes to you. Not sure how that equates to ****ing up, but I'll keep watching this space.

[CasualDude10]

According to my reckoning, she still thinks she's two steps ahead, net, net, net, and I imagine 5 steps ahead when it comes to you. Not sure how that equates to ****ing up, but I'll keep watching this space.

 

Meant to put, 3 steps forward and 5 back lol