Husband likes giving Blowjobs

[Jessk982]

Hi!

 

I need some advice/guidance and my google searches turn up nothing on the subject. I've been with my husband for almost five years now (married for two) and we're expecting our first baby in April. I adore him and he's always been nothing but a loving and devoted partner, however the last week has been rough.

 

Recently, I discovered some old emails (long before we were engaged) in which he discusses how much he likes giving blow jobs to older men. The emails are somewhat explicit and often include him exchanging pictures of his penis with men and receiving pictures of theirs to which he comments. This was obviously a shock. I'd never questioned or had reason to question his sexuality before. He was as straight as they came or so I thought. Doing further research, I also came across a number of profiles on a few gay dating websites (none active, I only found them because I know his normal usernames and passwords, plus at this point I was officially digging and went through his browser history to the websites he frequented (again, and thankfully, all before we were engaged)).

 

I confronted him right away, in a calm manner, since this is a very touchy subject. I didn't want to yell or scream because I wanted him to confide in me everything. If he was gay, I wanted to know, I didn't want him to feel as though he had to hide. Whatever the truth was I wanted to address it right away and figure out a way to move on. I didn't get the truth right away. I got versions of the truth and kept digging, assuring him that I was't leaving and that I still loved him/and viewed him the same way. I finally feel as though I have truthful answers.

 

Here's his explanation:(and I'm being somewhat explicit here in an effort to get the best possible feedback I can from all you lovely people)

 

When he was fifteen his best friend, out of nowhere, went down on him. This shocked him and made him uncomfortable, but we went along with it, eventually giving his friend a hand job. This happened one more time before my husband severed contact. When we was in his very early 20's he began chatting with guys on the internet and he ended up meeting with his first man, an older gentleman in his 50's. They exchanged blow jobs. My husband was never interested in kissing or foreplay with the men, and I do firmly believe this. He described the encounter as showing up, shaking hands, taking off their pants, doing the deed, and leaving. He met with this gentleman twice. There were three other men after this one over the span of a decade, two he met with once and the third he met with about five times, eventually trying anal with the last man, which was hard for me to hear and which he says lasted for all of two seconds with penetration before he forced the man out, confessing to hate it.

 

I know he never met with any men while we've been together, but in the early stages of our relationship there were a few explicit emails/pictures exchanged. He says he wouldn't call himself bisexual because he's never been attracted to men or interested in having a relationship with one. He is attracted to and enjoys looking at pictures of penises and liked, at the time, giving blow jobs. I believe this simply because when viewing the browser history from the past it was never gay porn he was after but pictures of penises. I asked him to tell me percentages of attraction/how often he veered towards one porn or the other and his answer was 80% female to 20% male.

 

I've managed to remain calm over this all week. He never expected any of this to come out and I know it's been difficult for him to tell me the truth, which I believe he finally did. He is very patient and answers all of my questions even when I ask him them a thousand times. He always thought if he told me the truth I would leave him.

 

Has anyone ever encountered a situation like this before? Now that I feel like I finally have the truth and my quest for answers is accomplished, I'm struggling with how to process it all. I know the world isn't black and white and I know sexuality isn't simply about one side verses the other, but then this is my husband. Our sex life has always been amazing and I don't doubt that he wants and is attracted to me, but I feel like my foundation with him and the things I thought I knew for certain have been rattled. I do believe that in time I'll come to terms with everything and it won't seem like such a monumental hurdle, but right now it's all I can seem to think about.

 

He assures me that he never wants to do it again. It was something he did in his single, carefree days and that that period is over, but inside I still have doubts. Any guidance/thoughts/perspectives are greatly appreciated!

[d0nnivain]

I would be incredibly freaked out. You handled this way better than I would have.

 

 

It comes down to whether you believe him. If all the e-mails were old, & you have no evidence that he has been doing this since he's been with you try to trust. If there is activity that is making you wonder, keep investigating.

[VeveCakes]

He is Bi whether he wants to believe it or not. This isn't something he can tuck away and forget forever, it just depends if he can remain faithful.

 

Btw, it's incredibly common. A minute on Craig's list will give you an idea of how many married men are into this.

 

I would ask for an STD and HIV check. I couldn't handle it but if you can then good for you.

[Emilia]

A LOT of guys have a secret penis fetish. I hear about this all the time. Some act on it for others it's a fantasy. I can see why you would feel threatened, hopefully some people with similar experiences will chime in.

[fenix]

Hi,

 

I am 40 years old and 12.5 years married. In my youth and single life I explored my sexuality and while I do not consider myself gay or bisexual I also had some flings with some guys (I also didn't like anal).

Since I married I never ever looked back to that time or felt interested to have sex with anyone but my wife. I confess that I watch porn (not much) and eventually (very rarely) I may watch shemale's porn.

I still feel like a fully straight male and I have full commitment to my wife.

 

I hope this helps you!

[Liam1]

Hi Jess:

 

I have not read all the posts.

 

It is possible however that this early sexual experience imprinted on him in a way that he now finds that type of experience sexually exciting.

 

IMO, you and he need to see a counselor experienced in bisexuality to make a firm determination.

 

Meanwhile, if he is had anal sex with a man, you need to have him take a HIV test.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I can totally understand your concerns and apprehension particularly since you're just now hearing about this many years into your relationship. It's perfectly normal and even expected to question your relationship and even the foundation you built that relationship on.

 

Having said that, I'm not totally convinced this is worth losing sleep over necessarily.

 

Like many have said, this isn't all that uncommon although most men might never admit to it. It's far less accepted than women fantasizing or experimenting with other women of course (so cliche). Why that's different I have no idea but that's society for you.

 

I think you handled the situation marvelously by the way. And your husband seemed to respond in kind which is already leaps and bounds better than most situations shared on here so celebrate that if you can.

 

I don't have any wisdom to share except to say that I don't see it as a serious concern personally. I know some people won't agree with me and that's perfectly fine. Apart from the HIV and STD testing, it in the past and by all accounts your marriage is great including your sex life. If he hasn't given you any cause for concern then don't turn this into something more than it needs to be.

 

Everyone is entitled to a past and as long as they're honest about it and promise transparency there is no need to punish them for it.

 

Each person should be judged on their own individual merit not simply by their past.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited February 10, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[fenix]

Everyone is entitled to a past and there is no need to punish them for it. Each person should be judged on their own individual merit not simply by their past.

 

For me the above summarize it quite well. We all have our past and as long as your husband commitment is towards you and he doesn't show any sign that he is not sexually attracted to you, what has he done and with whom in the past is not your concern. You are with him now and is his behavior now what needs to be judged.

[stillafool]

I think you handled this situation well, much better than I would. I doubt seriously he is going to stop considering how many times he's done this and with different men and actually seeing for it. I just couldn't ever kiss him again or be with him sexually. Plus now I would be uncomfortable around him and other men now knowing if he wanted to suck one off or not. Now I don't have to just watch out for other women but for men as well. Just too much work and yuck for me.

[jen1447]

I think you need to identify what's actually making you feel anxious about all this before you can fix that. So my take on what that might be is you're wondering ....

 

- is he actually bi/gay?

- can he be counted on not to do any of that again?

- can you count on him not to keep anymore secrets?

 

fwiw, my opinion is 1 - yes, he's bi. Shouldn't really affect anything bc answer to 2 - being bi doesn't really make you predisposed to cheat anymore than anyone else, so he can be counted on unless he's predisposed in some other way.

 

I think only you can answer 3.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think you need to identify what's actually making you feel anxious about all this before you can fix that. So my take on what that might be is you're wondering ....

 

- is he actually bi/gay?

- can he be counted on not to do any of that again?

- can you count on him not to keep anymore secrets?

 

fwiw, my opinion is 1 - yes, he's bi. Shouldn't really affect anything bc answer to 2 - being bi doesn't really make you predisposed to cheat anymore than anyone else, so he can be counted on unless he's predisposed in some other way.

 

I think only you can answer 3.

 

Worth special notice.

[Mrin]

I've never been attracted to or had sexual contact with a man. Just not my cup of tea.

 

That being said, a good number of the women I have dated have at least expressed being attracted to other women. Several have also confessed to having a fling with another woman. Heck even my soulmate has. I honestly don't have an issue with any of it. Seems fairly straight forward to me. The only one that did give me pause was a woman who had been in a very long term sexual relationship with another woman. And that was just because it gave "girls night out with her lesbian friends" a completely different context.

 

I do think there is a certain taboo double standard when it comes to guys having same sex contact than it does to women.

[CarrieT]

I had a boyfriend for almost a decade who worked in a porno store with a theater in the back. 90% of the people who frequented the store - and the area in the back - were married men.

 

I learned (and still believe) that many people may have deviant fetishes that involve same-sex acts, but that does not make them homosexual.

 

I believe your husband prefers to have a bonding, loving relationship with women (you) but still has this sexual proclivity that may not preclude them from having a positive sexual relationship with a spouse.

 

My first husband was this way. He has similar sexual escapades in his teens that your husband has had. And during the course of our marriage, we tried having an Open Marriage because we were both in an experimental state in our lives (early twenties). I was okay with whatever he was doing as long as there was open, frank honesty. We had a number of threesomes and more-somes that involved men and women but ultimately, the relationship failed when he started having full-on sex with other men without telling me.

 

I have dated and been involved with men subsequently who might have some same-sex fantasies, but it never kept them from having intimate relations with me.

 

I don't believe it is worth ending your marriage over if he is able to be honest about it and you are accepting that it is a fetish and - possibly? - not something he acts upon. I would be concerned about him contracting an STD that could be brought into the marriage...

[salparadise]

Have you heard of the Kinsey Scale? You are generally familiar with the work of Alfred Kinsey, right? He discovered that human sexual behavior doesn't fit so neatly into separate boxes as society likes to believe. Even here, several of the previous responses suggest that he is bisexual as opposed to heterosexual, as if those are distinctly separate categories. Sexuality exists on a continuum, and Kinsey and his associates developed a system for assessing and classifying the gradations back in the 40s. Your husband is probably a 2 on the scale.

 

If you haven't seen the movie, Kinsey then I think you should watch it with your husband. It presents a non-judgmental treatment of the sexuality continuum. If you and your husband accept this perspective, then I think it will help you let go of any anxieties and accept one another simply as you are.

 

Kinsey Institute - Sex Scale

[sandylee1]

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

 

I'd just like to add that you handled this situation brilliantly. He's lucky to have such an amazing understanding wife.

 

All the best.

[TX-SC]

I really don't see a huge issue here. He is obviously somewhat bisexual. It's not unusual at all. Women go through experimental phases, so too do some men. I don't blame him for hiding it. It's not really well accepted for men to be bisexual. What's important is that he is now monogamous with you and doesn't cheat or WANT to cheat. It seems like the anal part bothered you. I had a girl stick a finger up there. I didn't like it and asked her NICELY not to do that. Not a big deal. It didn't ruin me forever.

 

It really sounds like you have a good husband who enjoyed his sexuality for a bit before settling down. Many women do the same.

[carhill]

OP, what would assuage your doubts?

[Ms. Faust]

Have you heard of the Kinsey Scale? You are generally familiar with the work of Alfred Kinsey, right? He discovered that human sexual behavior doesn't fit so neatly into separate boxes as society likes to believe. Even here, several of the previous responses suggest that he is bisexual as opposed to heterosexual, as if those are distinctly separate categories. Sexuality exists on a continuum, and Kinsey and his associates developed a system for assessing and classifying the gradations back in the 40s. Your husband is probably a 2 on the scale.

 

If you haven't seen the movie, Kinsey then I think you should watch it with your husband. It presents a non-judgmental treatment of the sexuality continuum. If you and your husband accept this perspective, then I think it will help you let go of any anxieties and accept one another simply as you are.

 

Kinsey Institute - Sex Scale

 

This is exactly what I was thinking while reading this thread, lol. "Hmmm, this guy sounds like a solid 2".

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, what would assuage your doubts?

 

I think it comes down to this. If he's been a stand-up guy for your entire relationship, I doubt he'd cheat with either gender. And I'd also guess, if you're open to it, you could have some fun role-playing this in the bedroom :eek:.

 

Best of luck to you in all thing marital and gestational ...

 

Mr. Lucky