Appropriate Letter to send to First Love Ex

[Letmeknow]

I know, I know..if you go back and read some threads I've started you might think I'm ridiculous. However,I believe this is a huge step for healing personally. The letter below comes from a sensitive genuine spot, & I hope to receive some constructive criticism on if this is a good idea to send or not.

 

"For the longest time I blamed you. But the fact is, I hurt you. And any apology or sorry I could give would hardly be enough. I own my mistakes and I'll live with them. I'm just 22 with so much left to learn but I feel like I've learned so much since the last we spoke. Basically it comes down to growing up. Being more mature and able to make much better decisions. We were so young. Wild, and I was reckless. For instance, I can't think of something more unattractive than a man puking his guts out. I did some pretty bad things and I'm sorry. I know it's impossible to make it up to you so I'll I'm asking for is forgiveness. I'm sorry for what I said to you. The way I treated you. I was wrong. I should have let go long before. I listened to no one, was pushy, invading and I am the one who complicated things. I'm sorry for not being able to be your friend. I'm sorry for doing all the things that lost your trust in me. To put you through that was wrong and I can't express it enough.

 

Know, I will never forget you. After you went away I didn't know how to deal with everything-I took it out on you & then ultimately myself. I wish things didn't turn out the way they did. Although, I think it's perfectly clear we weren't meant to be together. But I hope one day I'll find a girl with qualities you possess who will become more than a friend and share my life with me. I haven't found anyone like that just yet, but I do know she's out there.

 

All in all, I think everyone has things that they regret. But I don't regret getting to know you. I won't regret the moments we shared with each other. I'm thankful for being able to experience such a relationship with you. You helped change me in more ways than I can count.

It was difficult, stressful, and depressing going through what we did. I really tried with you, I really did, but i don't think that's a bad thing because I really cared. I was afraid of losing the one person I could relate to. But the thing is, I was manipulative and controlling and looking back that's what glows the brightest. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me. The heartbreak is over, but it still eats at me the way I acted.

 

I'm not asking for you to accept me as a friend in your life, I'm accepting responsibility for my ashamed actions. I was a coward and just didn't see it. Now the guilt has been tough and the non-closure tougher. I just want you to be happy with yourself and your life. I think pushing this in the past will benefit the both of us.

 

No sorry is enough, but that's the only thing I have to offer.

 

I hope you're well. Take care HERNAME."

[d0nnivain]

it's a nice letter. Don't send it. Letters like that are always a bad idea. It's good that you wrote it & got it off your chest. That's it. delete & move on. Print & rip it up if you need the physical act. Do not transmit it to her. Just don't. It won't change anything. Your EX no longer cares what you think or feel. Your EX doesn't want to hear from you.

[Mr Man]

It seems very self blaming, I'm sure she had some part in the break up.

 

I don't think you shouldn't send it, if she's gone and doesn't care then does it matter if you send it or not. If she's gone beyond repair there's no worrying about making things worse. If you want to say it to her, say it.

[Letmeknow]

If she's gone beyond repair there's no worrying about making things worse.

 

This is definitely true which is why I don't see any downside to sending this letter.

 

 

D0nnivain - I'm curious. Why do you say "Letters like that are always a bad idea?"

 

I don't want to change anything and it doesn't matter to me if she cares or not. I don't have any real desire to be friends with her, I just want her to know that I'm sorry and maybe that will help her heal(if she needs it - if not, who cares!) as it has for me.

 

I'm also a little curious of any girls opinions on this matter.

[pidgeon1010]

This is definitely true which is why I don't see any downside to sending this letter.

 

 

D0nnivain - I'm curious. Why do you say "Letters like that are always a bad idea?"

 

I don't want to change anything and it doesn't matter to me if she cares or not. I don't have any real desire to be friends with her, I just want her to know that I'm sorry and maybe that will help her heal(if she needs it - if not, who cares!) as it has for me.

 

I'm also a little curious of any girls opinions on this matter.

 

Ok let me get this right- You don't care about the outcome of the letter but yet have this strong urge to send it. How do you reconcile those two things? Someone who doesn't care lets things be and doesn't think about writing letters blaming themselves for a relationship breakup. It's over. You don't want to be friends, it doesn't matter to you if she cares or not, so what really is the point? She doesn't need your apology to heal. Humans are resilient. Hasn't the relationship been over for 2 years? You're assuming she is still trying to heal?

 

I don't know who the dumper/dumpee was in this case but going by my last relationship where I was the dumpee, an apology from my ex (which came soon after the breakup) although thoughtful made no difference in my healing process but that's just me. The harm had already been done and it was up to me to move on.

[d0nnivain]

D0nnivain - I'm curious. Why do you say "Letters like that are always a bad idea?"

 

I'm also a little curious of any girls opinions on this matter.

 

 

I'm a grown woman. Not a girl.

 

 

My opinion that these letters are a bad idea is that in all my decades on this earth I have never seen one cause a reconciliation. I have seen them get tossed unopened. I have seen the recipients open them & laugh. I have seen the letters be shared among the recipient's friends while they share a laugh & in this golden age of public sharing I have seen them posted so more people can join in mocking the writer. I have also seen more than a few end up as Exhibit A in the recipient's criminal complaint against the writer for stalking & or harassment.

 

 

What I have not seen is them leading to happily ever after.

[Letmeknow]

Ok let me get this right- You don't care about the outcome of the letter but yet have this strong urge to send it. How do you reconcile those two things? .

Yes, I don't care about the outcome of the letter. The urge comes from wanting to forgive myself and show that the person I acted like is not the person I am.

She doesn't need your apology to heal. Humans are resilient. Hasn't the relationship been over for 2 years? You're assuming she is still trying to heal?

.

 

No, I’m not assuming she is still trying to heal. I want to acknowledge my progress as a human being and get something out of my past. If she doesn’t care anymore, then great. I’m not trying to get her back or do her a favor by apologizing.

 

It’s also a big assumption that she doesn’t care. What if she wants this apology just as must as I have the urge to send it? It’s clear that this is still bothering me somewhat and this is a chance to make things right. If I look pathetic or get a bruised ego, oh well.

 

I mean, the breakup wasn’t all my fault, but I’m taking responsibility and owning up for what I did.

[Letmeknow]

I'm a grown woman. Not a girl.

 

 

My opinion that these letters are a bad idea is that in all my decades on this earth I have never seen one cause a reconciliation. I have seen them get tossed unopened. I have seen the recipients open them & laugh. I have seen the letters be shared among the recipient's friends while they share a laugh & in this golden age of public sharing I have seen them posted so more people can join in mocking the writer. I have also seen more than a few end up as Exhibit A in the recipient's criminal complaint against the writer for stalking & or harassment.

 

 

What I have not seen is them leading to happily ever after.

 

I don't want reconciliation. I want peace with the situation.

[d0nnivain]

No, I’m not assuming she is still trying to heal. I want to acknowledge my progress as a human being and get something out of my past. If she doesn’t care anymore, then great. I’m not trying to get her back or do her a favor by apologizing.

 

It’s also a big assumption that she doesn’t care. What if she wants this apology just as must as I have the urge to send it? It’s clear that this is still bothering me somewhat and this is a chance to make things right. If I look pathetic or get a bruised ego, oh well.

 

I mean, the breakup wasn’t all my fault, but I’m taking responsibility and owning up for what I did.

 

 

If the break up wasn't all your fault then there is no need for you to take all the blame which is what you are doing. Your need to acknowledge your progress as a human being has nothing to do with her. express it a different way, not by looking backwards to someone who has no roll in your future.

[d0nnivain]

You are set on sending it. So send it.

 

We can't talk you out of it.

 

 

If you feel better great but we've all seen it before. The letter won't change a thing, not even how you feel.

[pidgeon1010]

You've obviously made up your mind about sending so do what feels/seems best to you but I wouldn't do it.

 

 

We can play the "what if" game all day. What if she has already moved on? what if she is in a new fulfilling relationship, what if her life was ruined by meeting you?, etc. etc.

 

 

You are looking to her for closure (even if you don't expect a response) but you will realize that finding peace and forgiving yourself cannot come from someone else.

[Letmeknow]

I'm not set on sending this. Y'all are making extremely valuable points.

 

This relationship ended absolutely horribly. Like, we both ended up in mental hospitals for a week because of it. And it has affected (gradual decline) me for the past two years.

 

Writing this letter made me feel closure. Isn't it okay to patch my wrongs and turn a terribly negative situation into something positive? I want to squash my beefs.

 

I've had similar apology situations (albeit less traumatizing experiences) with close friends of mine I've wronged in the past, & both situations turned out positive for me. Should I have not apologized then?

[d0nnivain]

We're not saying that the act of apologizing is bad. It can repair relationships. We are saying you can only apologize to someone who is open to receiving it. Since you don't know where her head is, you don't know how she will react.

 

 

If she ended up in a hospital over this break up DO NOT SEND THIS LETTER!!!!!! Have some common sense. You may set her recovery back. You may do more damage to her. If you ever cared have pity & stay away.

 

 

Remember I said these letters end up as evidence in criminal matters? Given what you just disclosed your letter is more likely then not going to be evidence. You know she is fragile. If you send it & something happens to her, you are going to be in trouble.

 

 

Walk away. Don't look back.

 

 

Show the letter to your own doctor if you need to work on closure but do not do not do not send it to her.

[Letmeknow]

We are saying you can only apologize to someone who is open to receiving it.

 

I believe she might be open to receiving it because she recently unblocked me on Facebook after being blocked for a few years. But I still have no idea.

 

Remember I said these letters end up as evidence in criminal matters? Given what you just disclosed your letter is more likely then not going to be evidence. You know she is fragile. If you send it & something happens to her, you are going to be in trouble.

 

Will you expand on the criminal matters further?? How could my letter be used as evidence to get me in trouble?

 

I'm starting to realize this letter might cause more harm than good if you have these strong of opinions.

[d0nnivain]

Read the anti stalking & anti-harassment laws in your jurisdiction.

 

 

I can't give you legal advice over the internet.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't want reconciliation. I want peace with the situation.

 

If you don't care about the outcome, there's no need to send it, is there? Writing letters can be therapeutic, as they get your words on paper or a computer screen. Sending them is overdramatic, unnecessary, manipulative, self-serving and ultimately unsuccessful. It's a horrible idea.

 

Write it. Write a couple if you want. But do not send. If you truly don't care about the outcome, then don't be the jerk that adds drama to a situation which has none.

[pidgeon1010]

I believe she might be open to receiving it because she recently unblocked me on Facebook after being blocked for a few years. But I still have no idea.

 

 

 

Will you expand on the criminal matters further?? How could my letter be used as evidence to get me in trouble?

 

I'm starting to realize this letter might cause more harm than good if you have these strong of opinions.

 

Maybe after 2 years she decided there is was no need to keep you blocked since you would have moved on by now and not be stalking her on social media. I wouldn't try to find meaning in anything someone does or does not do on social media. It's all a crapshoot. Being unblocked is not an invitation to reach out.

[Letmeknow]

I'm not sending it.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not sending it.

 

That's a good call. I'm all about writing out thoughts -- just having them outside of your head onto a piece of paper or a screen can be quite therapeutic. But sending them ruins that. Not only will you likely not get a satisfactory response (if any), but then you'll wonder "what if I wrote this?" or "maybe I was too harsh here" or "maybe I wasn't clear here" and it become another obsession. If you have it written and with you at home, you can tweak and delete and add to your heart's content.

 

Ultimately, I think you made the right call. It's definitely tempting to want to send a letter or email (I know I have been tempted) but I never regretted resisting that urge. Every time I did I'm glad I did.

[Letmeknow]

I just want to say, I haven't visited this website in over 7 months and I am happily back with my ex girlfriend who I have posted about all over this website under various usernames.

 

I love her and she loves me.

 

If it's true love and meant to be, you will be reconnected.

[loveiswar101]

Wow. Good for you! Best of luck.