Report Ex MM?

[hello214]

if i write my whole story, it could take up 2 pages..so I am going to make it as short as possible...So there is this guy who i had been involved in an affair with for a year and half.. throughout this one and half years tho, i have attempted to cut him off many times as an affair partner and told him to just keep it as friends.. so i would say for the past 7- 9 months,once i started working in the same company as him, we had been keeping it as friends, but we did slip at times and become emotional and passionate and intercourse.. sadly, it happens right? But i noticed, i was getting more and more affected.. the main reason for me from the beginning to cut him off was that i was getting emotionally involved and it was causing me such mental disturbance to know he had a wife at home he would go to, talk to her daily, cook for his family and that he couldn't do all that with me.. and on top of it, who would like to hear that he spoils the wife and does all for her but she doesn't retaliate with love? It was really really annoying as well.His character itself was irritating, though i still felt love and attachment for him.

 

So as i said, since we work in the same company, we would do lunches together, just talk, hangout.. but this past Dec, i reached my threshold.. He really made me hit a breaking point when he made a comment to me, which i feel was sooo soo derogatory and bad of him to say.. So we were lying next to each other in bed and he had just finished saying how we should have sex (mind you, i had not done it with him in the past 4 months and was getting a feeling of wanting to).. But not before he made this comment.. So he had moved out of his home to an apartment by himself and i had asked what he was planning to do when his lease was over..so, with me by his side on his bed, after making the comment that we should have more sex, he says "oh ill probably go back to india and find a girl , maybe marry her.. thers a girl there.. bla bla.." THIS REALLY TICKED ME OFF SOOOO MUCH that i still CANNOT GET OVER THIS. IT WAS SOOOO sooo derogatory to me. i mean, how do u have me there beside, while i am emotionally invested in you, wanted you to say love me, and mention marriage to me, and u talk about marrying someone else? Yet you want me to have sex? OH MY GOD. I was so mad I just got up and had a big fight with him..He was really like NO NO i was joking to see if you would get jealous.. But this was the ultimate derogatory statement I felt, and i could not handle it.. after that, SINCE THAT DAY TILL NOW I have been bitter toward him.. I finally ended it completely with him beginning of this year and told him not to contact me, cuz with that, and with all the other emotional trauma, with his immature shady character and inept behavior, i really couldn't take it anymore. Please i would like to know, IS IT JUST ME? OR SHOULD HE HAVE NOT SAID SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME? EVEN IF PLAYFUL, HOW CAN YOU JOKE LIKE THAT? I took this comment sooo to heart and felt so bad that i am writing this post just to talk about that comment he made. And i am still feeling soo bad that I want to hurt him, make him feel bad. I have been so rude and harsh to him during the breakup, but i feel that wasn't enough for how bad he made me feel. How do I let go of this anger? I am not able to find closure at all, i just have hate for him, feel that he is a manipulative, playful guy who used me.. and hating him and his family due to what he said.. Please tell me if i am making a big deal?

Edited January 22, 2016 by hello214
spell

[lemondrop21]

You're not "making a big deal," your reaction is totally understandable. I think that OW/OM have pretty much a free pass to become enraged at any point, because MM/MW put them and keep them in a situation that makes them crazy and is essentially almost psychological abuse. I'm talking about single OW/OM here which it sounds like you are... When OW/OM are married maybe the power balance is less skewed.

 

He could be having what they call an "exit affair" with you - look this up - or his separation might not last. I was surprised to read he got his own apartment. Divorce is less common in your culture, is that correct?

 

I'm very sorry you're hurting and hope you can use your anger to walk away. It sounds to me like this man is just using you for an emotional crutch and occasional sex when he can get it from you.

[hello214]

thanks Lemondrop for your input...but I am married too, i know, i should be less crazy right? But still that comment he made,even though he says it was to see my reaction, it drove me crazy and really made me go mental.. My question is, now that we are not in contact(at least i maintained by dignity by dumping him) i cant even express any more anger toward him as ill look bad.. But i just want him to pay for the injustice and abuse he has caused me...I mean i will admit, i have also treated him harsh, called him names, but he never did.. i also used him for my time when my hubby was out of town so cant say it was all him using.. but my anger is making me still crazy and revengeful.. How do i let go of this? And also, i am obsessed with taking credit for dumping him.. I keep thinking, what if he tells his friend a different story, that he let go of me or something? Ugh.. am i thinking too much?

[lemondrop21]

thanks Lemondrop for your input...but I am married too, i know, i should be less crazy right? But still that comment he made,even though he says it was to see my reaction, it drove me crazy and really made me go mental.. My question is, now that we are not in contact(at least i maintained by dignity by dumping him) i cant even express any more anger toward him as ill look bad.. But i just want him to pay for the injustice and abuse he has caused me...I mean i will admit, i have also treated him harsh, called him names, but he never did.. i also used him for my time when my hubby was out of town so cant say it was all him using.. but my anger is making me still crazy and revengeful.. How do i let go of this? And also, i am obsessed with taking credit for dumping him.. I keep thinking, what if he tells his friend a different story, that he let go of me or something? Ugh.. am i thinking too much?

It sounds like your emotions are very heightened right now. That's ok, even normal. I've been there and I'm sure most others on this board have too. One strategy I've used it to write a letter and then make myself wait 3 days and re-read it before sending. This gets the anger out and if I still find it accurately reflects my feelings after 3 days, I'll share it. For you, since you're trying to be NC this will give you some time to think about whether it's really worth breaking NC just to unload your feelings.

 

Also you could try doing physical things. I find it helps release some tension for me.

 

Good luck and I hope you start to feel better soon.

[RySant]

tl;dr He's married, you're married, you had an affair, you got emotionally involved, he moved out, want to do it again with you, he made a comment of marrying another girl, you lashed out.

 

Questions:

 

1.) Why are you cheating your husband? We need the real reason to give you a sound advice

2.) Why is your MM cheating, too? Sounds like he had a happy home to go to. Marriage not working or just for the thrill of it?

3.) Why did your MM move out? Was it caused by D-Day (Wife discovered him cheating?)

[hello214]

I've already exploded at him after he said that.. our arguments and conflicts have been on and off throughout the whole month of Dec.. finally beginning in Jan i called it quits, I feel i made a good decision.. i dont doubt my decision, just that Now i am dealing with really horrible pangs of depression, sadness..and on top of it this immense bitterness toward him.. it wasnt just this comment, when i read all his old texts, i just get steamed up over again..just his way of talking, so immature at times.. so playful.. is this a sign that this relation was not healthy and it was best i let go?

 

 

Lets please not question why we cheated, etc...we are all here for a reason.. lets just focus on what my problem is today... UGh.. i will never contact him but how can i make him feel bad without saying anything to him? Can i report him anywhere for such behavior and talk against me?

Edited January 22, 2016 by hello214

[TaraMaiden2]

I've already exploded at him after he said that.. our arguments and conflicts have been on and off throughout the whole month of Dec.. finally beginning in Jan i called it quits, I feel i made a good decision.. i dont doubt my decision, just that Now i am dealing with really horrible pangs of depression, sadness..and on top of it this immense bitterness toward him.. it wasnt just this comment, when i read all his old texts, i just get steamed up over again..just his way of talking, so immature at times.. so playful.. is this a sign that this relation was not healthy and it was best i let go?

Let's face it, and call a spade a ruddy shovel. It should never have started in the first place - right?

 

Lets please not question why we cheated, etc...we are all here for a reason.. lets just focus on what my problem is today... UGh.. i will never contact him but how can i make him feel bad without saying anything to him? Can i report him anywhere for such behavior and talk against me?

 

In brief? No.

 

A more lengthy response? Unfortunately not.

 

What you seek, is revenge.

That there, is unhealthy.

[sandylee1]

You've every right to be upset and hurt and angry with him for making that comment. It wasn't a joke at all.

In a roundabout way. ..He's saying you aren't worthy of marriage for HIM. In his culture..a 'good girl' wouldn't have sex with a MM. Half the time they want virgins to marry.....

 

It's a double standard indeed. I'm not sure if you're from the same cultural background as him... but if you are you'll know what I mean.

[Poppy47]

You are dealing with another culture all together.

 

IN some cultures, women are not very highly regarded at all and most marriages are still arranged , incredible as it might seem.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

Seriously ........ How do you think you can report him for his comments?

People say horrible things in relationships sometimes... you can't report them unless it's a criminal act or against certain policies ..like sexual harassment.

 

 

Would you want to report him if he were single as well? Report him to who exactly?

 

You get into an affair with a MM and want to report him for saying something you don't like.. how old are you?

 

That just amazes me.

[lemondrop21]

I've already exploded at him after he said that.. our arguments and conflicts have been on and off throughout the whole month of Dec.. finally beginning in Jan i called it quits, I feel i made a good decision.. i dont doubt my decision, just that Now i am dealing with really horrible pangs of depression, sadness..and on top of it this immense bitterness toward him.. it wasnt just this comment, when i read all his old texts, i just get steamed up over again..just his way of talking, so immature at times.. so playful.. is this a sign that this relation was not healthy and it was best i let go?

 

 

Lets please not question why we cheated, etc...we are all here for a reason.. lets just focus on what my problem is today... UGh.. i will never contact him but how can i make him feel bad without saying anything to him? Can i report him anywhere for such behavior and talk against me?

 

Gently, these thought patterns are over the top and unhealthy. If this impulse to "report him" or otherwise publicly embarrass him continues, I think you may want to consider getting help from a professional to work through the emotions and get into some healthier patterns to help you process loss, anger and rejection. I know that is difficult to hear and it doesn't help the pain go away right now - but wouldn't it be great if, in the future, you didn't have to feel quite so angry? You don't need to let your emotions rule your behavior and I promise you there is help available if you are willing to reach out for it.

 

This isn't meant to be condescending. I've done plenty of counseling for a variety of issues from my late teens onward, and I can handle setbacks much better now than in the past. Take care.

[Forceawakensme]

I've already exploded at him after he said that.. our arguments and conflicts have been on and off throughout the whole month of Dec.. finally beginning in Jan i called it quits, I feel i made a good decision.. i dont doubt my decision, just that Now i am dealing with really horrible pangs of depression, sadness..and on top of it this immense bitterness toward him.. it wasnt just this comment, when i read all his old texts, i just get steamed up over again..just his way of talking, so immature at times.. so playful.. is this a sign that this relation was not healthy and it was best i let go?

 

 

Lets please not question why we cheated, etc...we are all here for a reason.. lets just focus on what my problem is today... UGh.. i will never contact him but how can i make him feel bad without saying anything to him? Can i report him anywhere for such behavior and talk against me?

 

Hello.. I understand your anger at his comments -- Hes a jerk, clearly.

 

That said, i feel your intense rage is a little misdirected as obviously both of you were in this affair and unfortunately, its a bit of a case of 'play with fire, get burned'. I know this is awful to hear -- but i have to tell myself this often as the pain im enduring now is very much of my own making. Somehow, taking responsibility for our part feels more progressive toward healing. You said yourself you felt you used him when hubby was away -- So think of it like you used him just as much - and now its time to let go of something that wasnt healthy for you in any way.

 

I think you need to detach from this whole mess. Your relationship with him, your emotions toward him .. all of it. There is no revenge to be sought. If you do anything, it will come back on you. If you have been saying mean things to him out of anger.. then you dont have any recourse really. What he said was awful, but it seems like a nasty, off-the-cuff insensitive/cruel comment is lost in the big pile of drama now, anyway.

 

Just know hes not worth your time. Write long journal entries getting all your rage out..Vent here. See a therapist even? .. But let him go. Hes not worth this amount of mental energy.

[Noideanow]

i think this is the chance for you to grow:cool: you are married, (he was moving out), he had all reason to try and make you jealous for what you did/do with your husband, its not on him, but for you to wake up and find out if you want him (offcource he wants a Girl that is not married:() your jalousy would be fair if you were single, but you are not, or a better way to say it, it shows you what has to happen with your status:(

Edited January 23, 2016 by Noideanow

[Popsicle]

I guess you forgot that you were married too?

 

Considering that (you know, that you're MARRIED to another man), he has every reason to be unsure about a future with you and act like it.

 

Let the games continue.....

[Fleur de cactus]

You are hurt but that was the man who only wanted to satisfy his needs until he finds another woman. I would be hurt if I was you. I like the way you asked him the question about the future. His response showed that you are nowhere in his future. You are married so be realistic , he was honest with you. Of course it hurts but if you never discuss divorcing and getting together ? What response should he give you?

 

You don't have the right to report him. To who? He did not do anything wrong beside the affaire. And you know that you were both involved in this affaire 50/50. You did the right thing ending this affAir . In the future don't get involved In relationship when you are still married . Also therapy may help. Good luck.

[hello214]

Thanks for your understanding responses.. really, i am feeling so depressed and some of your positive encouraging truthful responses help lighten my mood, even if a little harsh its fine i just want to hear your honest opinions.. so i think I am not too very sad about loosing his friendship part or ending affair.. the one thing I am Obsessed with is taking credit for ending it & making it known to his wife n daughter( who both knew we were friends n his daughter once pinged me to stay away which was unfair) that im the one who cut his friendship out.. he can be manipulative & exaggerate and maybe tell them it was mutual and ugh i cant stand that, when i was the one strong enough to end and he didnt want to.. its killing me inside thinking abt wat he told his family, i want them all to know i cut him off.. god i cant get over this.. im jus waiting for an opportunity where he emails me again n i forward to his wife or something. because he manipulates n exaggerates to them n he should be revealed.. i cant get over this obsession.. wat to do? help me to??

[sandylee1]

and hating him and his family due to what he said..

 

I missed this earlier......what in the world has his family done to you, that you would hate them? His words are not his family's words... his family did not have an affair with you.

 

This affair has made your thinking very skewed and you really ought

to evaluate your own behaviour with the assistance of therapy.

[sandylee1]

im jus waiting for an opportunity where he emails me again n i forward to his wife or something. because he manipulates n exaggerates to them n he should be revealed.. i cant get over this obsession.. wat to do? help me to??

 

So his daughter knew about it.....

 

Instead of waiting for an email to send his wife.. just block him. Anyway if he's going to marry a girl in India isn't his marriage pretty much over?

 

Affairs aren't as fun as people think.

There's a lot of manipulative behaviour and some people don't even realise their doing it.

 

You need to get beyond the hate and obsession to indifference.

 

Decide to move on with your life and think of all the better things you could be doing rather than obsessing over him.

[hello214]

i know i need to get this hate out of me, and i dont know how i grew soo much bitterness, it was mainly the comment he made that i mentioned in the original post that really ticked me off.. he said he was trying to make me jealous but still imm soo angry and i want his family n all to realize that I dumped him from my life.. ugh.. i dont know how do i get over this? And also for some reason i feel i was really disrespected... i mean there are things that ive done too after this incident like called him names, asked him to return a shirt which i had given him so that i could use it as a " rag", ( which he did return), and called him low, once he spent most time w/ me when my hubby was out of town and after hubby came back, i told AP to disconnect etc..during this time he was at my house, I never had sex with him, max we did was makeout.. for the past 4 months i havent had sex but he still hung out w/ me etc.. and he used to also bring food to share me w/ me when he cooked, as did i, etc.. so from all this, it doesnt pseem that he used me right? i just feel so disrespected n worry abt the story of me hes gonna tell others.. i may feel better n get over anger knowing i was harsh to him & wasnt stepped over n " used". guess i want to know how to get over this feeling and if anger subsides.. do u think my anger is justified?

Edited January 23, 2016 by hello214

[sandylee1]

What story can he tell about you? He's engaged in all this as well...so how can he try and make you look bad without looking bad himself. Whoever he tries to say these things to should see beyond the lies.

 

Do you think he'll say that you chased him?

Threw yourself at him or something...That's a common line for WHS once they get caught. No matter what he says.. deep inside he'll know whether it's true or not. I know others may believe him ....but once you step over the line..you open yourself up to all this kind of stuff. I'm not saying it to be mean.. it ' just how it is.

 

I think with your reaction after the comment... he knew very well how you felt and it seems you did all you could to hurt him with your comments and actions. There's no more you can do.....except realise it was not the right thing to get involved with him.

 

What he said to you.. it's what others in his situation would do ...they just wouldn't say it. Tact clearly isn't one of his stronger points and perhaps his culture plays a part in it and in his view of you. Women are second class citizens where he's from.

 

If his wife has the same cultural background as him... she may not be able to even challenge him about anything.

[insidemymind02]

i know i need to get this hate out of me, and i dont know how i grew soo much bitterness, it was mainly the comment he made that i mentioned in the original post that really ticked me off.. he said he was trying to make me jealous but still imm soo angry and i want his family n all to realize that I dumped him from my life.. ugh.. i dont know how do i get over this? And also for some reason i feel i was really disrespected... i mean there are things that ive done too after this incident like called him names, asked him to return a shirt which i had given him so that i could use it as a " rag", ( which he did return), and called him low, once he spent most time w/ me when my hubby was out of town and after hubby came back, i told AP to disconnect etc..during this time he was at my house, I never had sex with him, max we did was makeout.. for the past 4 months i havent had sex but he still hung out w/ me etc.. and he used to also bring food to share me w/ me when he cooked, as did i, etc.. so from all this, it doesnt pseem that he used me right? i just feel so disrespected n worry abt the story of me hes gonna tell others.. i may feel better n get over anger knowing i was harsh to him & wasnt stepped over n " used". guess i want to know how to get over this feeling and if anger subsides.. do u think my anger is justified?

 

Some times the hate is good because it can take the place of all the "good" moments that you had. For a while I kept thinking that things were great, but in reality I knew they were horrible. He was a life sucker and taker. He took what I was willing to give because I wanted him to be happy. That was my big Aha moment, what did he do to make me happy???

Hang in there! Anger is always justified.

[hello214]

Yes insidemymind02, anger may be good but im obsessing about ppl knowing that im the one who left his friendship( his wife knew we were casual 'friends' and would talk occassionally- thats what he told her).. well i want it to be known i wanted nothing to do with him.. i actually texted her after new year to say i stopped interacting with him long ago- but no reply.. not sure if she saw or not but message was delivered.. n the stupid daughter too i emailed her saying i had cut him off but no reply from her too.. she knew she shouldnt have gotten involved i guess.. anyway, but no matter wat he says to others, deep down he knows the truth that i left him ( as he himself said), so that should be good enough right? because im so angry n irritated as his type of character and demeanor that i want him to feel low and that he was let go. Then again, he calls me heartless for doing so...

[Fleur de cactus]

So I missed something here: How the wife and daughter found out about the affair? How do you know what he is telling them?. If you are no longer connected with that man, it does not matter who breaks up the relationship first, they don;t care. The thing is that you both were involved in cheating. Please be strong because like someone said here, you think you are going to have him pay, you wants the world to know how bad his is and how you end the cheating and not him? believe me it will end up coming back to you and it will hurt you bad. Please forget about him. Block him in everything and move on. His wife and daughter may be thinking that you are a crazy woman. Do you care about your husband? imagine if you forward email to the wife and then shill forward it to you husband? Stop contacting them please . This man is not worth it.

[Lady2163]

Okay, as someone who does have a bit of gallows humor to my personality, I'd like to make a couple of comments.

You were in bed with a man who is not your husband. You don't mention if you had made any plans to leave your husband. He has moved out and I assume started the divorce process. You asked him what he was planning for his future.

I've known a couple of men who have done an excellent job on the Homefront pampering their wives in the house and working hard at a job. In two instances the wives cheated and in one the wife was sadly ill for a long time before she died. When men are the caretakers, they often seek someone who will take care of THEM as their next partner. They want to spoiled, pampered, relieved of most domestic responsibilities and have great sex. That often means a mail order bride who is considerably younger.

Again, you said he would talk of cooking for the family and doing nice things. You want some of that sweetness directed at you. He may be done of dealing with women in that mode.

Not that I really have much of an idea how Indian women teat their husbands.

So, his comment could have been tongue in cheek. Tasteless? Yes, but again his sense of humor could be like that. I've been known to say outrageous things just to get a shocked reaction. It is how I tease - but usually with people who know me well.

I don't think the two of you are compatible for the long haul.

[hello214]

doesnt matter, but yes, the wife n daughter knew we were " friends".. lady2163, yes his sense of humor was a bit crooked which olis one of the main things about him that really irritated me.. i mean here is an example of some of the stuff he would joke:

 

- u wanna try doing someone? we could get him to share hotel cost n have threesome.. ill do another girl if u join

- go meet whoever u want, but dont take my " time slot" away . dont " run me over". So basically he knew i was meeting a guy n had other friends but didnt show any sadness.. No, i dont expect it as he is married, but if u really claim to love someone, we all do get jealous righ? cmon.

- after i came back from a trip.. smiling n saying "oh did u do any guy there?"

- telling stories about other friends who he had issues with ( women) & ruining their name.. if he talks about them to me, whats the guarantee he wont manipulate others n say stuff about me?

- this joke about the " find a girl to marry". i dont care if he said that during another setting, but fact is, I Was LYING next to HIM IN BED! when he said this. & he had just finished saying we should be intimate. thats wat ticked me.

- " i hav pampered my wife so much she just took me for granted n forgot completely in giving back !!" - always annoying to hear, right ladies?? can u see why i was mentally disturb?

 

 

So, please, your honest thoughts ABout this guy?? Was i justified to feel disturbed?