depressed, obsessed...just not feeling good in general. sorry for the long read...

[Donburi]

It's ok if no one responds to this...writing it out makes me feel a little better...

 

I have never been this low. I feel stupid for feeling so depressed too, over a freakin' RELATIONSHIP. I try to tell myself, be thankful you're healthy, that you're decent looking, that you have a good life, born in a good country, etc...but I can't help it, my mind always wonders back to my ex, and slowly but surely I can feel myself sinking into depression...I really don't know what to do.

 

To give you some backround, I cheated on my ex-bf of three years. The cheating wasn't a relationship, just sort of a one time thing. He walked in on his good friend who had also become to be my good friend, coming on to me, which I did not stop right away. After much talk about his behavior towards me during the whole time we were friends, we both agreed that even though I was very stupid and selfish for letting that happen, that his friend had been using me all along and had manipulated me in some way. I have very low self-essteem, very insecure, and I doubt just about everything. So whenever I was worried about my relationship with my bf, I guess the friend took advantage of that. I'm not trying to find an excuse for what I did, but this is how my bf views it, and to be completely honest, I had no intentions of having this happen, I did not initiate it, and I tried to stop him from doing it. Yes, I was attracted to him, but I know that that it was merely just some sort of infactuation, because he had always complimented me and made me feel good about myself. I didn't know then that he had said those sweet things in order to do what he did or attempted to do later on.

 

Well, its been about a month since it has happened. My ex and I have been through times of NC and LC. He has neither felt better or worse about the situation, it seems. All he can tell me is that he doesn't want to date me right now and that maybe we can date again in the future...maybe not. To me, the door still seems to be open, slightly anyways. He knows how sorry I am, and he knows that I'm waiting for him to be ready. It seems obvious that he still wants me in his life, since he still talks to me. He is/was very serious about me, and loved me very much.

 

Well, he left for Japan this morning, he will be there for three weeks. We both agreed this will be a good oppurtunity for him to take his mind off of things and just relax.

 

I guess the issue I have right now is his friends. When I entered the picture, I only had a few friends of my own, which I lost later on the past three years because they changed into people I did not like. My ex-bf and his group of friends had become the only people in my life, unhealthy, I know. That caused us to have probs before. Since I was so shy though, I only clung to my ex and never really socialized with his friends, even though I thought they were cool people. Well, it was only a few months ago when the "friend" started to warm up to me, and I was surprised to see how compatible we were. I guess I was always fond of him because he was the jokster in the group and always made me laugh. We started to hang out, hardly ever alone though, because I was still too shy for that. But even in a group of people (w/o my ex), I would only talk to him because he was the only person I had become to feel comfortable around besides my ex. For a while my ex was happy that I was being social on my own, he loved me but he did feel suffocated a bit. But later on he started to feel a bit jealous. He would make comments about how I liked the "friend" more and this and that, and I always had reassured him that nothing would happen, and that I didn't like him like that. At the time I really did mean it. I've heard that his other friends were bothered that I chose to become closer to the "friend" than to any of them. They said they have tried to show interest in getting to know me but I never reciprocated, which I find hard to believe. Because I'm so sensitive, I was a bit turned off by his other friends because they would always tease and poke fun at me.

 

Well, anyways, these other friends are trying to start things now, it seems. Almost all of them are telling my ex-bf to just forget about me and drop all contact with me, which is understandable, they are looking out for their friend's benefit. What puzzles me though is that my ex was very hurt by the "friends" actions and now hates him with a passion and yet, all his other friends are still on good terms with the "friend." My ex feels betrayed in a way. So I guess we both find it kind of odd that all of his other friends are saying "we don't hate the friend, we hate the gf!"

 

Recently some of his friends have been trying to talk to me on AIM and stuff. Sometimes it seems like they are genuinely showing concern for my well-being, other times they say things that rip my heart apart. They will say things like my ex is completely over me and that he is looking foward to meeting women in Japan as well as in the states, etc... I try to explain to them that this is not the case, my ex would have told me so if he felt that he wasn't able to ever be with me again. And it is true, my ex is a very good guy, he would not lead me on to something. But there is something that one of his friends did that really bothered me. We all have accounts on livejournal, and generally have a good time there, share jokes 'n stories and whatnot. Very big fun community. Well, just yesterday, one of his friends pubicly wrote me a "letter" saying how I was a fool for waiting around for a man who tells everyone I am dead to him, that he hates me so much, etc... This was public. How can I not be bothered? I doubt he would make up lies like this where my ex could easily see it. I asked my ex about this and he denies it, he says he doesn't know why his friend would do that. But he won't go and try to post a comment denying it either, my ex says he does not want to bother with this stuff anymore.

 

I guess this has always been kind of an issue. It seems that in the past his friends would try "stir" things up in our relationship before. Some of them would tell me stories about my ex and his ex, saying things that would obviously bother me. This always resulted in me running to my ex in tears asking if it were true and him always saying no, don't listen to other people. None of his good friends would tell me these kind of things, his closer friends liked me, I think. It was usually his friends that he had been on bad terms with in the past and not as close with were the ones who would start ****, so to speak. (the friend who posted that letter on livejournal used to steal stuff from my ex, so they never were close to begin with.)

His guess is that these friends had always been jealous of him and didn't really want him to find happiness. So you're probably thinking, well why is he friends with people like this and he's not really, he is just too passive to tell them that he doesn't really like them. And well, in this group, everyone is friends with everyone, so him doing so would just be a bad chain reaction.

 

I never took my ex's advice though. I always listened to other people and let their words bother me. That is why I got in the situation I did, I listened to all the negative things the "friend" had to say and believed it.

 

I'm just so confused right now...I want to listen to my ex and for the most part I am. But what if these friends are actually concerned for my well-being? What if they are trying to warn me? The fact that my ex isn't doing anything about this friend spreading these so-called lies on livejournal upsets me too. I'm so scared that maybe he is being two-faced. But, maybe this is the time I can prove to him that I won't believe others and I can do it WITHOUT his reassurance. Who knows.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention, after reading the livejournal post, I called my ex about it. He said he wanted me to contact him if anymore of these "rumors" came up and stuff. I was very upset at the time and asked if they were lies, why would he make it public and all my ex could say was I don't know, I don't know. When I asked him if he could post a comment denying it he got pretty peeved and said he doesn't want anything to do with this. I can understand why he got mad because he felt I was pressuring him to do something. But at the time, I took his answer as a "all those things ARE true and I don't want my friends to see I'm denying it" so after a moment of silence I told him that I won't hope anymore so he didn't have to worry about it. He responded with well, I never asked you to have hope and we sort of hung up after that. He called back a minute later asking if I was threatening him by saying that. I told him no, that I just felt like the chances of US happening was really hopeless. He said he had never once said that it was over for good but he just can't do anything right now. He said maybe something in the future can happen, maybe not, only time will tell. The fact that he called back and reassured me in some way made me feel better so I told him I'll wait as long as he needs. He doesn't seem to mind that I'm waiting for him, but he said he feels pressured whenever I ask about the status of us. I don't really do that anymore.

 

He says if anymore "drama" comes up I can write him an email to Japan about it, but other than that, he just wants to use this trip to get away from it all. It makes me sad when he keeps saying he won't want to come back (but reassured me that he will)...he actually wrote a livejournal post recently too, he talked about his move to Japan next year (something we planned on doing together) and how he hopes to find a job out there, etc...He says when he moves he will miss alot of things here, but recently there has been alot of crap going on, and he said just because bad things happened doesn't mean he is forced to stand around and put up with it. He talked about how he is ready to start a new life in Japan, etc...I really didn't know how to take this. Was it a hint? I asked him before since we planned on moving to Japan together to be teachers, was there anyway we could still do that? Was there a chance when he starts his new life in Japan if I could be involved and he said we'll see. When he talks about escaping it all I don't necessarily think he means me, otherwise he wouldn't be talking to me. I think he is just upset because of his friends still talking to the "friend" and for people starting so much un-needed drama. Again though, who knows.

 

I know from reading this I sound like a very dependent insecure person, and I am. but I've improved, believe it or not I've been much worse, and my ex sees this.

 

I do feel less hopeful than I have been though...He says its going to be a LONG time before he knows what to do, and who knows, maybe since he can't tell me straight to my face (even though he says he would) he is hoping that with enough time I'll forget about him and he won't have to worry about having that "talk." I guess I never really understood breaks or time away...What does time give you? Are you waiting for that day when something clicks in your head "OH! wait, I do love that person!" or do you already have an answer to what you WANT but you use time to weigh your options and choices...or do you use the time to see how serious and committed the other person is? I have no idea! I keep having to tell myself that everyone works differently...I'm just scared that with enough time he'll move on and forget about me...but then, I guess that is an answer...

 

 

I know I'm a terrible person for what I did, and I know I have many issues to work on. I have been working on them, despite feeling depressed everynow and then. I know I need to focus on myself right now.

 

But what I'm asking of you though is, from reading this, what does it seem like he wants? Is it possible he is saying one thing to his friends and saying another to me? I know if my ex hurt me the way I hurt him I'd probably be saying things like I hate him and never want to see him again too...but I feel that if one of my so-called friends posted a livejournal letter to him claiming that I hated him and stuff I would be bothered by it and tell her to knock it off. This doesn't seem to be the case for him, he is not going to do anything about it...

 

I don't know what to do...does it seem like there is still hope? Am I a fool for fighting to keep this relationship alive? He knows all he has to do to make me move on and forget about him is to tell me so...but he hasn't...

 

I feel sick all the time...I'm uneasy when I go to sleep and I'm uneasy when I wake up...

 

I wish he could tell me something concrete, good or bad, that way I can move on...

 

I'm so pathetic.

[Bryanp]

I just have a short response:

 

Why in the hell would you believe anything from these so-called friends? I remember your letter from before. I think your ex walked in on you with his best friend in his own house. Am I correct? Anyway this so-called best friend manipulated you and is a liar. His friends have shown that they steal and are liars.

I think your ex is correct in that they are jealous of him. Stop reading their trash.

Your ex wants someone who is strong and has faith in him and a possible relationship. You show just the opposite. You are ready to believe everything negative toward your boyfriend and believe everything these crummy friends who are liars say. What is wrong with this picture? I don't blame your ex from not wanting to write to everybody that what is being said is not true. He is tired of it. If you lay down with pigs you will get up with dirt. He is tired of it. How can you not see this? If you have faith in your ex and yourself you need to show it. Unfortunately you are showing just the opposite. You believe in the words of people who are untrustworthy. Please open your eyes and use your brain. Your ex is honorable and these "friends" are dishonorable. Who are you going to believe? I don't wish to be mean but you are absolutely pushing away your ex by your actions. You show no faith in him and you expect him to want to get back with you? Think about it!

[Donburi]

Originally posted by Bryanp

I just have a short response:

 

Why in the hell would you believe anything from these so-called friends? I remember your letter from before. I think your ex walked in on you with his best friend in his own house. Am I correct? Anyway this so-called best friend manipulated you and is a liar. His friends have shown that they steal and are liars.

I think your ex is correct in that they are jealous of him. Stop reading their trash.

Your ex wants someone who is strong and has faith in him and a possible relationship. You show just the opposite. You are ready to believe everything negative toward your boyfriend and believe everything these crummy friends who are liars say. What is wrong with this picture? I don't blame your ex from not wanting to write to everybody that what is being said is not true. He is tired of it. If you lay down with pigs you will get up with dirt. He is tired of it. How can you not see this? If you have faith in your ex and yourself you need to show it. Unfortunately you are showing just the opposite. You believe in the words of people who are untrustworthy. Please open your eyes and use your brain. Your ex is honorable and these "friends" are dishonorable. Who are you going to believe? I don't wish to be mean but you are absolutely pushing away your ex by your actions. You show no faith in him and you expect him to want to get back with you? Think about it!

 

 

Wow...I really was speechless when I read this. You're right, why didn't I see this?

Of course my ex doesn't constantly want to fix the "drama" that comes up all the time, that would be an endless cycle. It's draining.

 

I'm not gonna lie and say these harsh words from these "friends" don't affect me but I know deep down I don't believe them. I really do have some maturing and growing up to do, I need to show my ex that I have faith in him.

If more rumors or drama come up while he is gone, I'll either ignore it or deal with it myself. Noone else can POSSIBLY know what is best for us, only we can decide that. I know what kind of person my ex is, he knows what kind of person I am. Thats all there is to it.

 

You weren't being mean at all. This is the best kind of advice I could get. I didn't want to hear "move on and forget it" or "poor baby, you're being played!"

No, this was perfect. A smack in the face back to reality realize WHAT YOU'RE DOING advice. Perfect.

 

Thank you so much!

[Donburi]

Not much of an update, since not much has happened, but...

 

My ex has been in Japan for about three years days and I'm already going crazy.

He said he would write me an email as soon as he could...I haven't received one yet but he had time to post a livejournal entry updating everyone on his buddy list (yes, even his "so-called" friends) about what is happening, how his job search is going, etc...

 

 

I feel like such an idiot in front of all these people. I mentioned one of his "friends" posted a livejournal entry telling me the "truth" about my ex, saying how all he talks about is how much he hates me. A few more "friends" jumped in on that, writing some entries of their own. I never responded to a single one because they don't need to know they got a reaction out of me, and if my ex is telling me something else, then I should believe HIM. All these guys must be getting a kick outta this though. They go and write things addressed to me "quoting" horrible things my ex said, then a few days later my ex updates them all cheerfully with what is going on in Japan, and doesn't mention any of the horrible things they have done.

 

I don't believe what his friends have to say, and I can understand why my ex isn't dealing with all this drama crap because he is in Japan to get AWAY from all this but...it still hurts, I guess. An email from him would have been nice...

 

I know its only been a few days but are there any signs I should be watching out for? Say he never writes me a single email while he is gone...is that a hint?

 

Here goes my paranoid mind again...I'm saying this for all the selfish reasons but I hope he doesn't meet someone out there...I mean, chances are he is not, because he is only there for three weeks and hopefully since we were together for three years he isn't over me yet...who knows though.

 

There are some days where I feel so happy and confident about life, and about our relationship getting fixed... and then there are days like this.

 

 

The future has never been so scary...

[Sal Paradise]

Considering what you did, and the way his friends act, I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and just relax. Its only been 3 days. Calm down. You said in one of your previous posts that your insecurity caused most of the problems in the relationship in the past. Well here ya go again getting paranoid. I wouldn't worry about his friends and what they have to say. They blame you (rightfully so but they should also blame the om) so they're naturally butting in where they don't belong and trying to protect him. Ignore it. Stop reading their journals. No one is forcing you too. You're letting them win by getting worked up over this stuff.

 

Your ex has asked for 3 weeks to contemplate his future with you, considering what you did to him I don't see what the big deal is. He wants to get away from everyone including his friends to clear his head and decide what he wants. Its basically out of your hands and thats why you're freaking out. You have no control over whether or not he will decide to continue things with you. Thats the price you pay for cheating on him. The best thing you can do is respect his wishes. Even if he wrote you everyday from Japan it wouldn't really change much. You would still have no idea what he is doing over there. And frankly you're not really entitled to know. Maybe he'll meet someone, maybe he won't, you can't control it either way. The only impact you can have is allowing his friends to get to you and then acting paranoid and pushing him even further away. Let the situation be and let the pieces fall where they may.

 

I doubt he will do anything in Japan, he's confused right now. He doesn't trust his friends or you. He is sorting out his life. He doesn't need you emailing or calling him to complain about his friends online journals or your paranoia. Don't worry about things you can't control, don't allow them to dictate the things you can control.

 

Consider this a test to change your ways. To stop allowing your neediness and insecurity to ruin your relationships and make yourself miserable. If things work out with the ex you need to stop this crap. If things don't work out you still need to stop it if you ever hope to have a healthy, happy relationship. I would highly suggest you see a therapist of some kind, perhaps they could help you learn to deal with this stuff. Now would be a perfect time to see one, it would give you something to do while he is there. It would also show him you're trying to change.

 

Whether the relationship continues or not you need to get yourself in order and you have a lot of growing up to do. Concentrate on that

 

EDIT: One more thing. I would completely cut off contact with his friends. No instant messages, no journals, no phone calls, nothing. All of this started because you didn't know how to deal with being around his friends. Why not just cut them out of your life? If the relationship with the ex ends you're not going to be in their life anyway, if it works out and you go to Japan with him you won't see them either. Why not start now?

 

A lot of the drama in your life could be avoided. Most of this you do to yourself. Don't let them get to you and they'll shut up.

[kilombo]

I think that you should focus less on the people you have come to distrust and dislike, and find people that make you feel good. Do your thing, if you talk to your ex, don't talk to him about his wierd friends, talk to him about the stuff you're doing that's cool, just like the way he's doing cool and different stuff.

 

Also, your panicking because you know that you made a mess of things when your boyfriend walked in on you and his friend. You've been flirting with disaster, so to speak, and that's probably the straw that broke the camel's back. You know that he might not want to come back to you and those bad memories. If you can accept that and forgive him for it, at least he'll respect you. He will end up resenting it if you continue to rag on his friends and play the victim. You can be bigger than that! Good luck girl.

[Donburi]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

Considering what you did, and the way his friends act, I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and just relax. Its only been 3 days. Calm down. You said in one of your previous posts that your insecurity caused most of the problems in the relationship in the past. Well here ya go again getting paranoid. I wouldn't worry about his friends and what they have to say. They blame you (rightfully so but they should also blame the om) so they're naturally butting in where they don't belong and trying to protect him. Ignore it. Stop reading their journals. No one is forcing you too. You're letting them win by getting worked up over this stuff.

 

Your ex has asked for 3 weeks to contemplate his future with you, considering what you did to him I don't see what the big deal is. He wants to get away from everyone including his friends to clear his head and decide what he wants. Its basically out of your hands and thats why you're freaking out. You have no control over whether or not he will decide to continue things with you. Thats the price you pay for cheating on him. The best thing you can do is respect his wishes. Even if he wrote you everyday from Japan it wouldn't really change much. You would still have no idea what he is doing over there. And frankly you're not really entitled to know. Maybe he'll meet someone, maybe he won't, you can't control it either way. The only impact you can have is allowing his friends to get to you and then acting paranoid and pushing him even further away. Let the situation be and let the pieces fall where they may.

 

I doubt he will do anything in Japan, he's confused right now. He doesn't trust his friends or you. He is sorting out his life. He doesn't need you emailing or calling him to complain about his friends online journals or your paranoia. Don't worry about things you can't control, don't allow them to dictate the things you can control.

 

Consider this a test to change your ways. To stop allowing your neediness and insecurity to ruin your relationships and make yourself miserable. If things work out with the ex you need to stop this crap. If things don't work out you still need to stop it if you ever hope to have a healthy, happy relationship. I would highly suggest you see a therapist of some kind, perhaps they could help you learn to deal with this stuff. Now would be a perfect time to see one, it would give you something to do while he is there. It would also show him you're trying to change.

 

Whether the relationship continues or not you need to get yourself in order and you have a lot of growing up to do. Concentrate on that

 

EDIT: One more thing. I would completely cut off contact with his friends. No instant messages, no journals, no phone calls, nothing. All of this started because you didn't know how to deal with being around his friends. Why not just cut them out of your life? If the relationship with the ex ends you're not going to be in their life anyway, if it works out and you go to Japan with him you won't see them either. Why not start now?

 

A lot of the drama in your life could be avoided. Most of this you do to yourself. Don't let them get to you and they'll shut up.

 

Thank you, Sal Paradise. Everything you said is right. There is nothing I can do, so what good does it do me or anybody to worry myself crazy, you know?

 

I don't know how to work on my insecurites...thank you for remembering that I had mentioned that in my other posts, you're correct, it was a VERY big prob in our relationship. But I worked on it and for the most part I managed to control my negative thoughts, so right before this incident, I think our relationship was at the best it ever was. I don't understand why all these insecurites are coming back x10. I guess I never really did overcome them, I just hid them away somewhere and now that I'm vulnerable again they're all coming out to greet the world. Ugh.

 

His friends aren't really important to me, I've had good times with them and I'll have good memories of them, but thats about it. I don't need them in my life. I'm not going to let their words hurt me anymore, well, I'll try my best anyways. They want to see me reacte but I won't let them have that.

 

It just hurts sometimes though...for my ex to say he'll write me as soon as he can when he gets there, just to see my inbox empty and him having already made three livejournal posts. It hurts to see him comment on these other "friends" journals with cheerful remarks to whatever they were writing about.

 

My biggest problem is that I read into things too much. WAY too much. I seriously do think I need help. Take the paragraph above for example. I let myself freak out about the fact that he wrote comments to other people's journals and didn't write me an email that I nearly convinced myself that it was over for good, he might as well have called me a dumb b*tch that he will never talk to again because that is basically how I felt. In the middle of my pathetic sob feast I stopped and realized, what the F**K am I doing?!! He didn't say ANYTHING yet! You won't have an answer til he comes back, you idiot!

 

You're absolutely correct in saying that I'M the one who is causing most of the pain to myself. So true! I let my thoughts wonder and I always think of the worst case scenario. I used to tell myself that was the best way of thinking because if bad happens you already prepared yourself for it and if something good happens then its almost like, extra good, you know? I know now that that is a VERY unhealthy way to live. I'm not saying you should live in a dream world but being a pessimistic can really destroy you.

 

I feel selfish thinking that I'm entitled to still be in his life after what I did. But I can't help but keep trying and hoping...is that really selfish?

 

Thank you again for your comment.