I told her maybe we need time apart

[Cthartguy203]

Hello I am 29 years old my wife is 26 years old married 2 years in March with a 31/2 year old daughter. We have hit a serious rough patch these last 6 months and haven't had much sex and itimacy is just not there. I told her maybe we need time apart and she moved out for a whole two days before she wanted to come back. I know for a fact she isn't cheating I can see everything phone,social media, tex, etc. she has had a rough past in seeing her parents basically live with each other with no love for almost 18 years so o think that has some affect to it. She said she just feels empty she sits on the couch a lot not motivated at all but has a decent job. I have opened up my own business this year in April and it has been very successful. I had a decent amount of money before we got married and I think that I made her sign a pre nup is still bothering her. I owned a house and a condo outright. I love her so much and don't us to split we had so many plans to be together forever it's just like she's given up I in life hasn't put much effort into our marriage lately and is very distant with me and even at points with our daughter. She's a great mother and is loving person it just really went down hill for her 6 months ago she said she doesn't want to split but can't live like this forever she said she's gonna contact a consulor to help everything out but we did have sex last week but now sleeping in separate beds sorry to be all over the place but please offer some insight on what I should do. I have been going to the gym a lot getting into shape and been a great father to our daughter she's literally all I feel like I have in my life now.

[testmeasure]

It's great if she can see a counselor. Besides that, the two of you could also see a marital counselor.

 

Something about the way you tell that makes me think maybe an appointment with a medical doctor would be a good idea too, possibly with her OBGYN if she has one. Tell the medical doctor how she's been feeling and see if they can rule out any underlying medical cause. It might be good if you can go too and help describe it.

 

She's clearly not happy. It sounds like she's not trying at anything anymore. That could be a result of the unhappiness or the cause. But which ever one came first in this situation, what caused that? Either something is making her lethargic and as a result she's unhappy. Or something is making her unhappy and as a result she's lethargic. Either way, what's the "something"?

 

"she has had a rough past in seeing her parents basically live with each other with no love for almost 18 years so o think that has some affect to it."

Was there fighting and abuse? Or did the parents just decide to stay together even without love? If her parents chose to be roommates and they are ok with that and not constantly fighting and upset, it doesn't seem like that should destroy her life this much. I suppose she could worry that she will repeat the mistake and that worry could make her unhappy which could make it a self fulfilling prophecy. It would be worth exploring in counseling.

 

Counseling for her is still an excellent Idea. In light of her parents situation bothering her and your own marital situation not being that great, I think marital counseling would be good too. It still might be good to rule out an underlying medical cause at the same time.

 

She doesn't seem to want to leave. The thing is whether you guys can figure out what it is that needs fixing. So try all 3 of the above simultaneously and stick with which ever one uncovers what needs fixing.

 

That sounds like a lot of assets. Good job for having the prenup! Be careful not to co-mingle anything. It sounds like the business was started after the marriage. I have no idea how that works, if she gets half of it, or you have to buy her out. Or if it's something that you're personally doing, it just automatically sticks with you.

 

 

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Edited February 11, 2016 by testmeasure

[oldshirt]

What happened six months ago? What happened or what changed six months ago?

[oldshirt]

sitting on the couch and detaching from her child can be signs of depression. Has she been evaluated by her doctor?

 

 

 

 

In regards to the time apart, as a general rule of thumb separation basically only serves two purposes. One is if there is a lot of volatility with the potential for violence or the potential to get out of hand and say and do some very hurtful things that can not be taken back.

 

 

And it is a good first step towards divorcing and starting a new life without the other person.

 

 

Those are really the only two benefits of separation.

 

 

For people who ultimately want to remain together and for which there is no extreme volatility or violence or verbal/emotional abuse, it is almost always better to remain in the home and work on things together under the same roof.

 

 

Once people separate and are in separate homes it starts to become easier to live without the other person and people tend to start building their own lives separately and getting back together actually becomes harder.

 

 

If she is suffering from depression or some other mental or emotional issue, separation is not the cure or the answer.

[Cthartguy203]

Nothing really happened she said that she was really unhappy with life her dad abused her mom which she said she saw and had to break it up a couple times. She said she's just so confused on life and resents me for some reason..... We separated 2 days and she wanted to come back home she missed it and then we had sex and it just went back to being the same old issue her not giving any effort and just laying on the couch upset with everything that is going on its like she has no motivation or drive just coasting through life. I grocery shop cook clean do the dishes and run my own business.

[testmeasure]

her dad abused her mom which she said she saw and had to break it up a couple times.

 

Her dad abused her mom two times 6 months ago and she was present for and had to intervene in both of those? (but that's the only 2 times it happened ever)

 

Her dad abused her mom the entire time she was growing up, and she sometimes had to break it up? (a couple times each whatever period of time)

 

I know you're focused on your wife's unhappiness and lethargy. Either one of those could cause the other. But they aren't jointly self causing.

 

The only causal thing you've pointed at is her parents. But you're not giving enough information to even interpret what you're saying. Can you describe a complete history of her and her parents?

 

Her parents first started not getting along when she was how old? Was there fighting and abuse? From what age? Violence? How long? When she was what age did they get it resolved to be roommates? How did it go from there? After they reached whatever agreement they are in, how did it go from there? How stable are they? What was her life like growing up? I can throw out a bunch of questions, the thing is not to answer my questions but to see the confusion and describe the thing as it actually happened from beginning to end.

 

I understand. I had an ex who was high-functioning but had been exposed to severe trauma and abuse at an early age. I just looked at who she was when I met her and assumed she overcame it. It turns out years later when things go wrong, a lot tied back to her early past.

 

So, the kid is 3.5 and you started having problems 6 months ago. What happened when your wife was about 3 years old give or take a year? I'm not saying this means that. You haven't shown us a full picture so I'm fishing. Hey, something went wrong in your life 6 months ago. We're not at all clear what's going on with her parents when or how far back. I'll just throw it out there. What was going on when your wife was around 3 years old? I'm just fishing. I'm NOT saying ah ha your problems started when the kid was 3, something must have happened to her at that age. I'm asking ok, so your stuff started at age 3, did your wife have any changes around that age give or take a year?

 

If you're not telling the whole story about her parents, maybe your gut is telling you it's not relevant. You know more than we do. Maybe you're right. On first read, I went with your take and that's why I talked about checking out medical causes in my answer. But on second read, I noticed the point about her parents. So far it's the only external causal thing you've pointed to. Lethargy and unhappiness can each cause each other. But they aren't jointly self causing. So the whole thing with the parents seems worth explaining in full detail if you can.

 

I'd up the priority of ruling out an underlying medical condition and at the same time start thinking more about her parents yourself, and maybe, possibly giving us the full story (beginning to end) on her parents. So far it's either her parents, or totally unexplained which makes me want to think medical.

 

 

.

[oldshirt]

She said she's just so confused on life and resents me for some reason.....

.

 

What is that reason?

[oldshirt]

and it just went back to being the same old issue her not giving any effort and just laying on the couch upset with everything that is going on its like she has no motivation or drive just coasting through life. I grocery shop cook clean do the dishes and run my own business.

 

 

 

Those can be signs of depression or other mental disorders. Has she been seen by a doctor for this?

[Cthartguy203]

She saw her parents physical abuse from age 8 to around age 12. I have no idea what happened 6 months ago I opened a business 9 months ago and really focused on that but I was home every night and was doing everything I could to balance the two now that work is always slow in the winter I am always home. She said she's confused on what to do one day she says she wakes up wants to have another kid and build our new house and move on with her life and the next day she says she's not moving on till she fixes what wrong with us. I am not the perfect guy but I do take care of my daughter and I am always there for them I pay all bills I take care of the yard I do the dishes,cook,clean, only one that takes care of the dogs. She said the itimacy has died and I know it has but how can I fix that with someone that doesn't want to put effort into anything in life. I want this to work and so does she but I hate living in my own house in separate beds and her an emotional wreck. She is Even dragging her feet on calling the therapist. I love her so much I would do anything for her and I think that's so of the issue if I do everything what does she have to do and can that make her feel worthless? I'm confused to say the least

[sandylee1]

I suggest marriage counselling for you both.

[oldshirt]

Don't agree to anything untill she is thoroughly evaluated by a shrink.

 

So no moving out. No new house. No divorce. No additional child. No noth'n untill she is thoroughly evaluate by a qualified mental health professional.

[Cthartguy203]

Don't agree to anything untill she is thoroughly evaluated by a shrink.

 

So no moving out. No new house. No divorce. No additional child. No noth'n untill she is thoroughly evaluate by a qualified mental health professional.

 

Today we exchanged cards and gifts for valentines day and gonna go to a dinner and a movie she wrote this on the card not too sure what to make of it don't want to overreact either way "I know things are rough right now and this isn't how I pictured things but no matter what ill always love you! Thanks for being a great husband and even a better dad. Even when I'm underserving of your amazingness - love you "

[66Charger]

Just a opinion, but maybe what she is saying is true. Its not about you, it is about her. She is 26, with a husband a house and a 3.5 year old and. A decent job. Sounds great and should be great.

 

But what were her dreams? What did she really want from life? Did she finish college? Did she want to become a astronaut? Cure cancer? President of the United States? Dance on broadway?

 

Maybe she expected more from herself and just sees things as domesticated and uneventful. Maybe she sees all her dreams dwindling. Another child and a new home may only cement the decline, as bad as that sounds. She waffles on having another child. She waffles on leaving you. Tried it but, maybe living her dreams without you, makes the dreams not worth accomplishing.

 

Try talking to her today. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE MARRIAGE or family. Talk about what she would like to accomplish in her personal life. Her dreams and desires. Listen (with very little comment) and see if there is any way some of her dreams can happen. Her confilct appears to be who she is and where her life is now.

 

Can she have both? If you can listen to her, not as a wife and mother, but as her best freind and a husband that wants her to achieve some life goals, perhaps there may be a way. At minimum, she will know you are concerned about her happiness as a person.

 

Time for some walking and talking. Just the 2 of you.

Edited February 14, 2016 by 66Charger

[Cthartguy203]

Just a opinion, but maybe what she is saying is true. Its not about you, it is about her. She is 26, with a husband a house and a 3.5 year old and. A decent job. Sounds great and should be great.

 

But what were her dreams? What did she really want from life? Did she finish college? Did she want to become a astronaut? Cure cancer? President of the United States? Dance on broadway?

 

Maybe she expected more from herself and just sees things as domesticated and uneventful. Maybe she sees all her dreams dwindling. Another child and a new home may only cement the decline, as bad as that sounds. She waffles on having another child. She waffles on leaving you. Tried it but, maybe living her dreams without you, makes the dreams not worth accomplishing.

 

Try talking to her today. DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE MARRIAGE or family. Talk about what she would like to accomplish in her personal life. Her dreams and desires. Listen (with very little comment) and see if there is any way some of her dreams can happen. Her confilct appears to be who she is and where her life is now.

 

Can she have both? If you can listen to her, not as a wife and mother, but as her best freind and a husband that wants her to achieve some life goals, perhaps there may be a way. At minimum, she will know you are concerned about her happiness as a person.

 

Time for some walking and talking. Just the 2 of you.

 

 

 

I really understand what you are saying and I have asked that so many times and she says the samething finish school get a better job have 3 kids and be married and do what she can to help the family. One thing I also forgot to mention before our child she was a double 0 now a size five and that also bothers her. I've told her I would do what ever I have to do as far as helping her get back to school and finish but I can only offer my help I can not do it for her. And that's why sometimes I feel like it might be something deeper she has no drive,passion,excited about anything. She even told me she feels empty with our child which I know kills her because she does love her more then anything but feels emptiness of that makes any sense

[elaine567]

Everything you write about her points to depression.

Depression can hit people at times in their lives when it is all going very well and they have no reason to be depressed.

Clinical depression - Symptoms - NHS Choices

She needs to see a doctor for assessment ASAP.

[66Charger]

Everything you write about her points to depression.

Depression can hit people at times in their lives when it is all going very well and they have no reason to be depressed.

Clinical depression - Symptoms - NHS Choices

She needs to see a doctor for assessment ASAP.

 

Agreed. This may not be within your power to correct. Think long and hard before separating. I am not one who believes in the "take a pill" cure. That is a mask. Right now, she doesnt trust you to open up. Accept that, but see to it that she talks to someone she can. Soon enough she will talk.

 

You can do something for her about the weight. Buy her a new pair of running shoes. Make her put them on (not by force) Dont accept excuses. Just stand there until she does. Walk 30 minutes away from your house, then you will have to walk back home. Force the routine. If you do this a couple days a week, after a month, it becomes part of your life. Walking relaxes the mind and gives you time to think. Talking AFTER thinking begats truth. It can also improve your sex life. Blood gets flowing, brain gets relaxed, the wife feels stronger and important. Best time to take it.

 

I have no other suggestions other than not to bail just yet. but I will wish your family well.

[Cthartguy203]

I am not bailing but she has had the therapist phone number for about a week and hasn't called I don't know what to do I can't force someone to help themselves I am just gonna have to sit and wait it out I guess

[elaine567]

I am not bailing but she has had the therapist phone number for about a week and hasn't called I don't know what to do I can't force someone to help themselves I am just gonna have to sit and wait it out I guess

 

But that is one of the problems with depression. People who suffer do not have the will or the energy or the motivation to do anything about anything - even very important things - they leave everything to slide away from them.

Depression makes getting things done - everything from working, to cooking, to paying the bills, to making decisions - very challenging.

[JamesM]

I am not bailing but she has had the therapist phone number for about a week and hasn't called I don't know what to do I can't force someone to help themselves I am just gonna have to sit and wait it out I guess

 

For better or for worse.

 

If I told that you that six months from now she would be happy and "normal, then would you stay with her and support her through this?

 

Point is...it may be a depression that lasts a few weeks or months, or it may last longer. You don't know, but you did commit to supporting her and being there for her...for better or for worse. And honestly, after more than 25 years of marriage, there is worse, but I don't mean that to minimize your frustrations and pain.

 

If you felt as she feels and did not feel like doing anything and she wanted to separate, then how would that make you feel?

 

 

I would have to say that if you still love her and she loves you, then do NOT separate. Stay together and work this out with counseling or whatever it takes.

 

Yes, my wife has had depressions many times. It IS rough. Yet looking back, it was never an option to leave her due to that.

 

I don't see that you want to leave either. I see that you simply don't know what to do or where to go.

 

See a counselor individual if needs be. Personally, I have found that very helpful. Ask him what he would recommend and talk it out. You may find that the answers are inside of you.

[JamesM]

But that is one of the problems with depression. People who suffer do not have the will or the energy or the motivation to do anything about anything - even very important things - they leave everything to slide away from them.

Depression makes getting things done - everything from working, to cooking, to paying the bills, to making decisions - very challenging.

 

Ditto what she said.

 

There comes a time that we need to step up and help our spouses when they seem not to be able to help themselves. This may be one of those times for you.