Girlfriend visiting male friends one-on-one at their houses?

[MrDuck]

Nice sentiments but it's an imperfect world. Sure my girlfriend chooses to be with me, at the moment, but if she keeps putting herself into situations that increase the chance of infidelity (lots of daily texts to male friends, meeting them one on one and getting highly intoxicated on girls nights out etc) then she isn't exactly going out of her way to protect the relationship.

 

 

Right. But if I was feeling like my gf wasn't putting in to our relationship then i'd be considering if that was someone I wanted to be with?

I wouldn't be trying to force her into behaving differently in order to make her stay with me. You can only be responsible for your own actions, not hers.

 

 

I won't tell you what to do, because the only people that matter are you and her!

But if it was ME and MY gf, the conversation (internally and with her) I'd be having would be more along the lines of is this still what she wants? That her actions aren't indicating someone who's happy. That I'm happy for her to have her friends but I don't want to be playing second boyfriend to her. And that I think we should be putting more work into our relationship if that's what she wants to.

I wouldn't be trying to hold back the tide by imposing rules on her like her dad. That's not solving issues that you may or may not have in your relationship

[sunking101]

Right. But if I was feeling like my gf wasn't putting in to our relationship then i'd be considering if that was someone I wanted to be with?

I wouldn't be trying to force her into behaving differently in order to make her stay with me. You can only be responsible for your own actions, not hers.

 

 

I won't tell you what to do, because the only people that matter are you and her!

But if it was ME and MY gf, the conversation (internally and with her) I'd be having would be more along the lines of is this still what she wants? That her actions aren't indicating someone who's happy. That I'm happy for her to have her friends but I don't want to be playing second boyfriend to her. And that I think we should be putting more work into our relationship if that's what she wants to.

I wouldn't be trying to hold back the tide by imposing rules on her like her dad. That's not solving issues that you may or may not have in your relationship

 

Yeah I get that by imposing rules you just come across as controlling and hell you shouldn't have to teach someone how to behave in a committed manner...but by doing it your way and implying that she isn't behaving correctly, aren't you essentially imposing rules anyway?

[MrDuck]

Yeah I get that by imposing rules you just come across as controlling and hell you shouldn't have to teach someone how to behave in a committed manner...but by doing it your way and implying that she isn't behaving correctly, aren't you essentially imposing rules anyway?

Maybe in a certain sense.. but for sure someone being like "hey babe, is this still what you want cause im feeling like we're drifting apart" feels tons different to "hey babe, i don't want you seeing friends of the opposite sex one on one".

 

Plus its about pinpointing your issue isn't it? I have no problem if my gf wants to meet guy mates one on one or if she wants to text them. I don't have a problem with the act, in moderation, I would only have a problem if I was starting to feel like I wasn't her number 1 guy. That's not controlling someone, that's just protecting your own sanity.

Then I'd be looking at how we could move forward as a couple as opposed to just expecting her to do as I say blindly.

[SSJROMANCE]

I can't even tell you how much law enforcement actually sucks here.

 

A few years ago my house was broken into and my stuff stolen. We called the police and it was just about the most condescending experience I've ever had in my life.

 

Not only did they give us crap for calling them, they suggested that simply my dogs with no opposable thumbs had somehow unlocked and opened our front door, opened our gate and took off, somehow after getting their leashes on. And the torn screen they used to get in? We must not have noticed it. And my stolen stuff? Well ..... There's not actual evidence it was "stolen."

 

Yeah......

 

Just to make things even weirder, a neighbour of our down the street had our dogs. Another neighbour had dropped them off to her, fully leashed and with my jewellery. The neighbour that had dropped off my stuff had apparently been trying to impress her 16 year old daughter for quite some time. So here he shows up "rescuing" dogs and with some pretty things he'd like her to have.

 

So.....we call police again saying "look these neighbours have our stuff and this idiot that lives onnthe other side of us dropped in off to them."

 

So they come, interview the guy and say "he SAVED your dogs from running around and now you are trying to get him in trouble. Who's to say the girl wasn't given the jewellery." ( FFS)

 

About a month later:

 

Idiot-stick shows up at our door apologizing for having ripped the screen, taken my things and walking out with the dogs to impress the girl. And did we mind putting in a good word with the girl?

 

FFS. I can only imagine police saying a car prowler "thought he left his wallet in there and was only trying to retrieve it."

 

We've called in car prowlings and vandalism (provable, oh so provable) so many times in this area, they just don't care. It's easier for me to just leave the damn door open if there isn't a spot on front of the windows of the other house (he won't prowl that spot.) I don't feel "intimidated" by it. Or "threatened" especially since he just took off. It honestly strikes me as more of a compulsion than anything. I think he is looking for identity documents actually, and we dont even receive mail here. Nor has he ever caused any damage. I feel more annoyed when he's moved stuff or not shut the glovebox.

 

 

Wow - sounds like lazy cops who don't want to do any investigation. Well then if this is the case I would still get the alarm. When it goes off go out and shoot the prick in the head. Lay the gun next to him and call the cops saying you think you heard a gunshot. The lazy cops will just assume he committed suicide. Problem solved. LOL.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sinking, I had a question. How long have you been with your GF? Also, before you committed to her did you know about these male friends of hers and did she tell you that she would like to continue visiting them one on one? Was she completely up front with you about her association with these guys? Also how old are the two of you?

The fact is that if you have been in a long term relationship with her and both of you are past your giddy years and are now mature adults, then it boils down to a question of the depth of trust that you share with each other. A mature person in a committed relationship would keep in mind the feelings and sentiments of their partner at all times and conduct themselves in a circumspect manner so as not to step on the other's toes. Some have pointed out that she has chosen to be with you and that is all that matters. However the opposite is also true, that you have chosen to be with her. You have to measure her freedom of action against the freedom of action that she will allow you. Will she be comfortable with your going to meet female friends of yours at their homes one on one too? If she has any reservations about that then it tells you that things are not hunky dory in relationship heaven. One doesn't have two different yardsticks for the people in the relationship. My advice would be to try this experiment, tell her that you would like to visit an old female friend of yours( not an ex) on a one on one basis just like she does and see what her response is. If she is cool about it you don't really have to worry. If not better start looking out for another GF. I hope you do have an old female friend who is single who you can pull out of the woodwork! Warm wishes.

[Leucine]

Let me just point out that if a female I find attractive visits my house one-on-one, something is going to happen (and unless she is very naive, she should be fully aware that this will be the case when she agrees to come over). I will make a pass and either get laid or rejected. Most self-respecting single men would think the same way, and unfortunately being in a relationship isn't an obstacle for many either.

 

It's best to just not practice this sort of thing if you want to avoid relationship problems.

Edited February 12, 2016 by Leucine

[elaine567]

Having just read your other thread about this #1

These are NOT just friends, 15+ close male friends!!!! and she is FB friends with all her exes and fwbs too (#1) She also discusses your relationship with them and they give her advice like "dump him" ??????

These male "friends" are very likely to be orbiters waiting for the chance to take your place and your gf is either just some naive person who doesn't see it, or she just loves all the attention they give her.

Get out of there ASAP, is my advice, before she breaks your heart.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sunking, if what Elaine has to say is true why would you start a new thread on the same topic? Are you serious about getting answers to your problem or are you just enjoying engaging people repeatedly in something which you are not serious about? Just think about it and let us know.

[SSJROMANCE]

I'm not her dad, I'm not her headmaster, I'm a boyfriend. She's an adult and she can make her own decisions

 

The fact she chooses to be with me is brilliant. As long as she keeps choosing to be with me I'm the luckiest guy on the planet.

 

I love her very much. I think I'd really love to spend my whole life her, settle down the works. But whether she is my gf or she becomes my wife or mother of my children or whatever, I don't own her. I'll never own her. She's her own person, with her own free will and that's the way it should be.

 

More and more in society people become obsessed with proving their social worth to others by what they 'own'. Owning possessions, or other people.. Its so so fake. We don't own other people, we don't even really own possessions. Its a false sense of security.

 

I want her to be with me because she wants to be.

 

 

1. In your examples I know these people are car thieves and burglars, they are not pretending to be anything different. Totally different to the OP's question where my gf is hypothetically going to meet supposed "friends" as opposed to "guys who are hopelessly in love with her"

2. My car and my home contain/are possessions. Although I still think us owning items is more theoretical than practical (They could be gone in a click of your fingers come flood or fire) nevertheless I wouldn't let some guy just take them away from me. After all they are objects. My gf is not an object, she has her own mind and she can choose for herself where she wants to be.

 

I used to live on a game reserve in Africa. My door didn't even have a lock. And I used to leave the keys in my truck for convenience and I case one of the other guys needed to borrow it. Its sad really that we call ourselves a developed country yet we have to keep everything under lock and key.

 

 

We completely disagree on this subject and that's OK. This is your relationship not mine. But I think you might be a little on the naive side. I'm not asking you to be her dad or to own her. For many exclusive couples friends of the opposite sex become off limits - for many reasons.

 

The main reason is why are we even a couple if she feels the need to be running around with other guys? It's not appropriate. If she needs attention why is she not coming to you? Secondly it's not so much HER you have to be worried about. It's the other guys. If you don't think most of these guys don't want to bang your gf or at least think about what it would be like then you are being naive. Some guys will do ANYTHING say ANYTHING to bed your woman and will go through great lengths just to say they had your woman behind your back. They could give a hoot about you or the bond you have with your girlfriend. Couple that with a naive chick with low self esteem low self worth no boundaries and needing validation it will be an easy lay for them. Therefore a GOOD boyfriend isn't going to throw her out to the wolves. He would protect her from these savages.

 

That last thing I think you want is to hear her say I'm sorry I screwed up and apologize to you for cheating on you behind your back. She may have all these excuses that I gave to you above but by then it's too late. You were naive and put too much faith and trust in this kind of behavior and whether she was at fault or the guys were at fault at the end of the day you weren't there for her and decided that "you trust her" what good enough.

 

My wife and I both agree that it's not appropriate to be with another person of the opposite sex outside of work. My wife's low self esteem got her in trouble years ago before we met. We had a rough start of our marriage because of that and she told me I could ALWAYS trust her moving forward. Years later I snooped and found that she was having private chats with a old close guy friend of hers. When confronted she lied about it but finally admitted it and admitted to deleting incriminating messages from him. This was all after her "I can trust her" speech. Her reason to me was that she didn't realize she still had low self esteem and needed that validation from him. Although she denys it I felt if they were to have met in person they would have ended up in a motel room.

 

Should I have just let that happen? According to your logic yes. Then two peoples lives would have be turned upside down because some dude came into her life, stalked her and preyed on her low self esteem behind her husbands back. Thankfully I caught it in time shook some sense into her and she continued to work on herself why she would let some guy into her life like she did.

 

Anyhow good luck sir. You are playing with fire but that seems to be the way you want it.

[Northwestern1011]

Wow I'm sorry I think I'm confused: is she your girlfriend? Or your dog? Harsh but you don't own her. As your girlfriend, you should sit down and have a candid conversation about this, but realize the rules work both way.

I don't see why men think they can limit their partner from having friends of the opposite gender. Guess what guys? Half the world is male--you're really going to attempt to ban someone you allegedly care about, from their friendships, simply because that friend has a Y chromosome? Sounds very insecure to me.

I could be very off base, but unless she's cheated on you, or has given you indication she's hooking up with a guy, you shouldn't try to trap her and keep her from her friends of either gender. Frankly, if I were your girlfriend, I'd be pissed you're trying to do this.

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow - sounds like lazy cops who don't want to do any investigation. Well then if this is the case I would still get the alarm. When it goes off go out and shoot the prick in the head. Lay the gun next to him and call the cops saying you think you heard a gunshot. The lazy cops will just assume he committed suicide. Problem solved. LOL.

 

Er, no. Homicide is probably a little better on follow-up than just the regular jack-asses they send out for domestics and such.

 

I think I'll just shut the glovebox in the morning and try to get that parking spot by the windows. Turns out car prowlings have gone up 48% in the last year in my city. Not surprised.

[sunking101]

Wow I'm sorry I think I'm confused: is she your girlfriend? Or your dog? Harsh but you don't own her. As your girlfriend, you should sit down and have a candid conversation about this, but realize the rules work both way.

I don't see why men think they can limit their partner from having friends of the opposite gender. Guess what guys? Half the world is male--you're really going to attempt to ban someone you allegedly care about, from their friendships, simply because that friend has a Y chromosome? Sounds very insecure to me.

I could be very off base, but unless she's cheated on you, or has given you indication she's hooking up with a guy, you shouldn't try to trap her and keep her from her friends of either gender. Frankly, if I were your girlfriend, I'd be pissed you're trying to do this.

 

I kinda see what you're saying, but opp-sex friendships are rarely 100% platonic and my gf has ex-FBs which she claims are now 100% platonic friendships. She shouldn't insult my intelligence with that! Hanging out one on one at one of these guys' houses seems inappropriate to me, never mind the above & beyond friendship level texting and FB messaging that occurs on a daily basis. I have zero evidence of any cheating but the situations she puts herself in really make me feel uncomfortable. Call it a gut instinct.

[elaine567]

I kinda see what you're saying, but opp-sex friendships are rarely 100% platonic and my gf has ex-FBs which she claims are now 100% platonic friendships. She shouldn't insult my intelligence with that! Hanging out one on one at one of these guys' houses seems inappropriate to me, never mind the above & beyond friendship level texting and FB messaging that occurs on a daily basis. I have zero evidence of any cheating but the situations she puts herself in really make me feel uncomfortable. Call it a gut instinct.

 

!5+ close male friends, FWBs and all her exes, is NOT the usual, one or two friends of the opposite sex, that most tend to have.

Of course it is NOT appropriate behaviour, so what are you going to do about it?

[big dog]

ask her if it's OK for you to tag along ocasionally....tell her you'd like to meet & get to know these friends as well... her reaction to that might tell you just what you need to know..... if it's "friends" then it shouldn't matter to her at all. In fact, she probably should think it's be a great idea. think about it....

[Got it]

Normal work-related and social times spent with the opposite sex are different and in the case of work they're necessary...but is visiting these friends at their homes purely for pleasure absolutely A-ok?

 

Yes. My husband has female friends that well precede my time with him. Why would I have him cut off friendships that go back to high school because of some generic insecurity?

 

And being someone that travels myself, it is ridiculously easier to do something out on the road than with some long term friend.

 

If people are going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Like I said, until I actually had a evidence that I should be worried than I am not going to court fears.

[sunking101]

Yes. My husband has female friends that well precede my time with him. Why would I have him cut off friendships that go back to high school because of some generic insecurity?

 

And being someone that travels myself, it is ridiculously easier to do something out on the road than with some long term friend.

 

If people are going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Like I said, until I actually had a evidence that I should be worried than I am not going to court fears.

 

Sure if people are going to cheat then they will, but regularly putting themselves in certain situations can make that much more likely over the years.

[sandylee1]

Let me just point out that if a female I find attractive visits my house one-on-one, something is going to happen (and unless she is very naive, she should be fully aware that this will be the case when she agrees to come over). I will make a pass and either get laid or rejected. Most self-respecting single men would think the same way, and unfortunately being in a relationship isn't an obstacle for many either.

 

It's best to just not practice this sort of thing if you want to avoid relationship problems.[/quote

 

This is actually quite realistic.

 

OP ...your issue is that you're way more into her than she is to you.

You feel privileged to have her because she's attractive.

 

She gets upset when you raise concerns and ignores you .... this is not a balanced relationship. You either accept that or bail out.

 

I believe one of you will end up heartbroken...and it won't be here. I'm sorry to say this.....but YOUR feelings are not important to HER. If I had a serious BF.... I'd drop do everything to show him my male friends were just that. Including inviting them out with the two of us......she keeps them away from you for a reason.

 

Just protect your heart and try not to take this R too seriously.... because she certainly isn't.

[MrDuck]

We completely disagree on this subject and that's OK. This is your relationship not mine. But I think you might be a little on the naive side.

People will always feel differently about different things. That's why different relationships work after all.

For many exclusive couples friends of the opposite sex become off limits - for many reasons.

I feel like that's a little sad personally. That's half the population you're writing off.

The main reason is why are we even a couple if she feels the need to be running around with other guys? It's not appropriate. If she needs attention why is she not coming to you?

This would be where I would have an issue! I wouldn't worry about her visiting a friend. I would worry if he was becoming as big a part of her life as I was, then where does that leave me? What's the point of our relationship?

But that's a big leap away from a guy friend who she catches up with occasionally.

 

Secondly it's not so much HER you have to be worried about. It's the other guys. If you don't think most of these guys don't want to bang your gf or at least think about what it would be like then you are being naive. Some guys will do ANYTHING say ANYTHING to bed your woman and will go through great lengths just to say they had your woman behind your back. They could give a hoot about you or the bond you have with your girlfriend. Couple that with a naive chick with low self esteem low self worth no boundaries and needing validation it will be an easy lay for them. Therefore a GOOD boyfriend isn't going to throw her out to the wolves. He would protect her from these savages.

Yeah I hear you, Its my duty as her man to protect her from these guys and from herself? Interesting take.

 

I guess, ultimately, we're all shaped by our own life experiences. Independence & freedom has been a big part of my life up to now and I guess I carry that into my relationship. I would hate to take away someone's independence.

 

Should I have just let that happen? According to your logic yes. Then two peoples lives would have be turned upside down because some dude came into her life, stalked her and preyed on her low self esteem behind her husbands back. Thankfully I caught it in time shook some sense into her and she continued to work on herself why she would let some guy into her life like she did.

I'm glad you and your wife are good and you made the right call for yourself and your relationship.

FOR ME, I don't know what I would have done. Although in theory I guess I feel like if the intent was there then the lack of the actual act doesn't matter, for me. I feel like I could lock her up and make sure she never so much as sees another man, but if in her mind she's thinking about it or wants it, then what's the point, I've lost her already..

 

Anyhow good luck sir. You are playing with fire but that seems to be the way you want it.

Maybe so. I am lucky not to be in the OP's position. My current gf isn't someone I have to worry about. She maintains (very) good boundaries with just about everybody! Lol! I certainly don't mind her having guy mates, but as it happens there are very few mates of either gender that she spends as much time with as me. She's more of a family chick!

[MrDuck]

ask her if it's OK for you to tag along ocasionally....tell her you'd like to meet & get to know these friends as well... her reaction to that might tell you just what you need to know..... if it's "friends" then it shouldn't matter to her at all. In fact, she probably should think it's be a great idea. think about it....

^ this is class

[mikeylo]

" I feel like that's a little sad personally. That's half the population you're writing off. "

 

You are sad that you cant have female friends because of your girlfriend? I feel sad for her. It seems you resent being in a relationship with her. You probably love her but love other women as well and I sense a feeling of resentment from being in a committed relationship.

[sandylee1]

I kinda see what you're saying, but opp-sex friendships are rarely 100% platonic and my gf has ex-FBs which she claims are now 100% platonic friendships. She shouldn't insult my intelligence with that! Hanging out one on one at one of these guys' houses seems inappropriate to me, never mind the above & beyond friendship level texting and FB messaging that occurs on a daily basis. I have zero evidence of any cheating but the situations she puts herself in really make me feel uncomfortable. Call it a gut instinct.

 

Why do you put up with it then?

 

You sound like a pleasant chap ....surely you can find a GF who would respect you and care about your feelings. You're meant to feel secure in a relationship ...... this is certainly not that.

 

No matter how much you like someone.... if the relationship isn't balanced it won't work. . Your BF/GF needs to consider your feelings..... I'm not sure if you love her... but she doesn't love you... her actions show that she's taking you for a ride.

 

It's terrible that she's treating you this way..but you don't have to put up with it.

 

Question... if you broke up with her....do you think she'd be bothered at all?

[mikeylo]

My take in general : once in a committted relationship, friends of opposite sex are a no go area. Simply put. If not you then your 'friend' has the potential to destroy your relationship with your bf/gf by covert body language ,snide remarks in private to them ( but all sweet in front of you , making it seem all innocent.If your bf/gf complains, then of course, they were already not in favour of the friendship and so making false allegations against your sweet friend ), etc etc etc. The list is endless.So no, thanks, To me, my relationship with my SO is much more important than an opposite sex friend. It has nothing to do with trust.It all comes down to how serious you are about your relationship with SO and respect towards them and relationship itself.

 

At some point in life, one has to choose between friends of opposite sex or SO.

[Revolver]

Some women can be so damn naive. "I really thought he just wanted to watch game of thrones with me":confused:

[mikeylo]

IME, people who are pro opposite sex friends

are usually the ones crossing the boundaries and don't want to be called out for it. They usually are good at covering up their actions/deeds/words and putting the ball in the court of their partner to deal with it. This is the sad reality, irrespective of how it is put. They blatantly flirt, in front and behind their partners and expect them to accept the friendship or get therapy for their mental health issues ,like jealousy,trust , self esteem etc and if the partner fails at either , then resentment creeps in. That in turn leads to drifting apart , issues , fighting and eventually breaking up.

 

Then comes the interesting part. The pro friend partner tells his/her friends the story and they tell in turn that this is the reason why one should not leave friends because they are forever and gf/ bd come and go, lmao ! How about , they were the cause ?

 

Those who get this, have relationships.Others, keep moving from one to another.

[Httm]

IME, people who are pro opposite sex friends

are usually the ones crossing the boundaries and don't want to be called out for it. They usually are good at covering up their actions/deeds/words and putting the ball in the court of their partner to deal with it. This is the sad reality, irrespective of how it is put. They blatantly flirt, in front and behind their partners and expect them to accept the friendship or get therapy for their mental health issues ,like jealousy,trust , self esteem etc and if the partner fails at either , then resentment creeps in. That in turn leads to drifting apart , issues , fighting and eventually breaking up.

 

Then comes the interesting part. The pro friend partner tells his/her friends the story and they tell in turn that this is the reason why one should not leave friends because they are forever and gf/ bd come and go, lmao ! How about , they were the cause ?

 

Those who get this, have relationships.Others, keep moving from one to another.

 

Making stuff up and presenting it as truth won't make it truth.