I've been single for around 7 years now. Pointers on approaching women?

[health]

I've been single for around 7 years now. I'd like some pointers on how to approach women.

 

Well in the first 2 years of that 7 I did sleep with 3 different women and went on several dates - but nothing serious like the relationship before it.

 

The purpose of this post is to learn "What worked for you" in approaching women to the point of a long term relationship.

 

Here's the background story

- With a girl for 5.5 years - left her because she emotionally cheated, then rebounded with said guy - which crushed me even though I knew the relationship was going nowhere. I worked full time, she was a high school drop out - she ended up on welfare and is still with said guy - who is an alcoholic and weed smoker which she hated.

 

- In that time I went to LA, NYC, and graduated College with a free government grant I worked hard to get

- Got out of debt, built a nice nest egg of savings

- moved into, then out of my toxic family home

- cut out horribly toxic family members and old friends

- Quit drinking alcohol and cigarettes for over a year now

- Have been working the same job for almost 2 years now since I graduated College

- Have been living in my own apartment for well over 3 years now, paying bills, saving, enjoying life.

 

- I did a lot of self growth and progressed

 

In that time I literally asked out at least 17 women who I would have loved to date - but they all either rejected me - showed no interest back, or had boyfriends.

 

- I haven seen 4 girls who I adored but never got the guts to go up and approach them - it was always on the bus or where there were lots of people

 

- every time I pine over a girl - then get rejected - my mind goes back to my ex and how easy things seemed to be then. I forgave her but sometimes I get angry over the fact I work so hard and she's on welfare in love with that same guy she rebounded with and who was snooping at our relationship near the end.

 

- I just feel scared sometimes. I'm in my early thirties things seemed so simple back then. Now it's like so many people have baggage - I slept with less than 10 girls in my life and I'm proud of that - and never cheated once - or broke up someone's relationship.

 

- I studied Family Law and have friends who pay child support so I am grateful I was not married or had kids with my ex

 

I just want to fall in love again - where the girl actually gives a care about me as well.

 

So ya, if any of you can give any input as to how to approach women - and if there are girls out here who can say how they like to be approached. It's so nerve wracking and awkward, but when it works, it's exciting.

[Httm]

Use online dating to go on a few dates a week or month and you'll find someone in time. Meanwhile, you will meet some people, enjoy yourself, and practice interaction.

[d0nnivain]

A smile is your best tool. Stop over thinking things. Smile. Say hello. Talk to the person. Be interested in who she is as a person. Listen when she talks.

 

 

You don't seem to have a problem getting women to go out with you; your problem is the 2nd date so shift the focus from you to her.

 

 

Everybody's favorite radio station WII-FM: what's in it for me? Find a way to subtly communicate that dating you is what is best for her. Be the good listener. Be caring. Be chivalrous. Be romantic. Show her why you are head & shoulders above her other choices.

[health]

Use online dating to go on a few dates a week or month and you'll find someone in time. Meanwhile, you will meet some people, enjoy yourself, and practice interaction.

 

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I have a lot of interaction with people at my work so that's great. With online dating - part of me gave that up for good in 2015. I used it sporadically while single and hardly received any replies.

 

Scrolling through the images makes me feel uneasy - like I feel a lot of men and women use it as a quick fix. Sometimes I feel women reward men approaching them in public face to face greater these days because they see the courage. That being said I may try it again when I buy two new suits this year haha

 

Tinder - never used it and based on what I heard I don't think I will.

 

The most successful relationships I've had - and ones I've seen have started face to face based on my research. Again, I may give it another shot though.

[health]

A smile is your best tool. Stop over thinking things. Smile. Say hello. Talk to the person. Be interested in who she is as a person. Listen when she talks.

 

 

You don't seem to have a problem getting women to go out with you; your problem is the 2nd date so shift the focus from you to her.

 

 

Everybody's favorite radio station WII-FM: what's in it for me? Find a way to subtly communicate that dating you is what is best for her. Be the good listener. Be caring. Be chivalrous. Be romantic. Show her why you are head & shoulders above her other choices.

 

Very well put, thank you. Yes I think a big problem I have is overthinking to the point I don't even approach. Thinking it as a win/win and what's good for her is really important.

 

That's why I'm trying to be a great catch. I quit drinking, pay my bills. I'm 34 but people say I look like I'm 26! So I'm happy about that. I'm just trying to be the best person I can become.

 

I want my next relationship to be special. I actually did go on a date 2 weeks ago. I took a woman to Starbucks - we talked for 3 hours it was cool - but then I just realized I didn't like her that much - she drank and smoked - which I tried hard to quit and did - so I don't want a girl heavy into that etc

 

It was a cool experience though.

 

How have your and the poster's above (Httm) most long term relationships start off?

 

How did you guys approach women where in the end it worked?

[d0nnivain]

As an adult (post college) all but my last LTR started from an academic place or work.

 

 

Met 2 guys through grad school. Dated 1 for about 2 years. Lived with the other for over a decade. Re-met a guy at my high school's homecoming football game. Was with him for about 2 years. Was single for about 2 years. Tried & hated OLD. Had a FWB relationship with a guy I'd known for 20 years. Then met DH in a bar at a business networking function.

[health]

As an adult (post college) all but my last LTR started from an academic place or work.

 

 

Met 2 guys through grad school. Dated 1 for about 2 years. Lived with the other for over a decade. Re-met a guy at my high school's homecoming football game. Was with him for about 2 years. Was single for about 2 years. Tried & hated OLD. Had a FWB relationship with a guy I'd known for 20 years. Then met DH in a bar at a business networking function.

 

Excellent. Thanks for that female perspective. In these cases - how did the initial approach begin? Did these relationships start off as friendships first etc?

[Satu]

Just be friendly and engage with the people you meet in your daily life.

 

That is where everything begins.

[TheArtist]

I can really recommend looking up Hayley Quinn on YouTube for approach tips and how to improve your confidence in this stuff; she's fantastic.

[d0nnivain]

Excellent. Thanks for that female perspective. In these cases - how did the initial approach begin? Did these relationships start off as friendships first etc?

 

1st grad school guy asked me to dance at a school dance.

 

 

I was introduced to the 2nd guy by a faculty member. We interacted briefly in a professional context through the spring semester. We became friends. When I graduated I moved in with him as roommates while dating the other guy. When that 1st guy & I broke up, my roommate comforted me & we became a couple.

 

 

I went to the high school homecoming game almost 20 years after high school within days of my LTR with the live in guy from grad school having ended. A friend of a friend connected me & the guy. We had known who the other was in high school but had never spoken. A number of people came back to my house after the game. The next day he asked me out.

 

 

I met DH in a bar at a business event. We exchanged business cards. I liked him a lot & thought he was really handsome. I made it a point to send hand written notes to everyone interesting I met at networking events. So I followed that script & sent him one; he was the only one I sent such a note to from that event. I don't remember what I said but it was not strictly business & I think I referenced in the note that I doubted we could do business together. He responded with an e-mail & asked me out for a Monday date a day or two later (meaning it took him a while to ask). I was disappointed by the Monday "date" & second guessed that it was not a date but a business meeting. I actually dressed down (pants vs skirt suit) I had a lot of trouble reading DH at 1st.

 

 

As a general proposition I have always been against friends 1st. You don't need to be friends to get to know somebody. Dating -- the actual event of spending time together in public -- is the getting to know you process which even when their are romantic / lustful feelings should precede the physical interactions.

[smackie9]

Have a good social circle where you do social things, like parties, dances, charity events, camping, hiking, outings, etc. Go out an meet people, make new friends, find an interest that gets you out of the house.

[jen1447]

So ya, if any of you can give any input as to how to approach women - and if there are girls out here who can say how they like to be approached.

 

Not from our blind spots - that's always creepy. You turn around and bam they're just there.

[Satu]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

Etc.

 

This list can be extended to infinity.

[truth_seeker]

Have a good social circle where you do social things, like parties, dances, charity events, camping, hiking, outings, etc. Go out an meet people, make new friends, find an interest that gets you out of the house.

 

Smackie is right on. You have to get out there and be around people. The more active, more people you know, the greater the chance of meeting someone or being introduced to someone.

[Maggie4]

The best chance of long term relationship success is with someone you have a social connection with - through friends, family, because similar background is very important.

Next choice is someone you approach but preferably at certainly locations where you share interest (bookstore, sports team, etc.).

 

My tip is if you're going to approach a woman who's a total stranger, do it as soon as you notice her. Don't build it up, and most importantly, don't look at her for 10 minutes and then talk to her. Women have good peripheral vision, we know when someone is looking. Looking is fine at a social gathering, not so good at a public place.

If has happened to me many times I feel a guy staring at me, I casually glance to see if it's a weirdo (I live in the city), I catch glimpse of a tense face. I get creeped out and besides, staring is rude (not sure if he realizes he is doing it). Then after uneasy feeling has built up on my side, the guy approaches me and of course by then he is not well received.

 

I suggest you approach immediately without too much thinking. Don't stalk. Should be more like swatting a fly.

[Satu]

Common/shared interest is a powerful attractor.

 

If you are passionate about the same thing, you'll have a natural affinity and something to talk about.

[health]

All this advice is really great! I'm going to go over it more thoroughly when I get home and reply. Thanks again!

[hasaquestion]

Not from our blind spots - that's always creepy. You turn around and bam they're just there.

 

Men are threatened by a direct approach. Women are threatened by an approach from behind. Useful tidbit to keep in mind.

[Jabron1]

First off, I would advise that you learn body language. Ever heard the term 'women's intuition'? Women are more perceptive because they seem to have an innate understanding of body language and covert communication. Learning to understand body language will help you immensely with your approach and on dates. But, look for a book, or video that deals with body language with regards to meeting women specifically, because it's a broad and interesting subject. Women will often give you signals to approach them, if you can read the body language. Once you learn it, you'll start to notice when women are checking you out, and you'll realise that you can approach women absolutely anywhere.

 

Typically, I approach with a compliment. Straight away i'm signaling my attraction and being direct. But nothing too over the top: you don't want to be saying "you're the most beautiful woman i've ever seen!" Just tell her that you noticed her and think she looks nice/cute, or mention something that took your interest, like her style or her demeanor. After this, if she's being receptive, the big danger is that you start asking gay hairdresser questions and kill the flirty vibe such as: 'what do you do for work?', or 'where do you come from?'. Instead you want to put a good energy into the exchange by bantering with her, making her laugh, and messing with her. Treat her like you would your bratty sister; don't be afraid to make fun of her (but in a nice way!). Whilst doing this you add in the odd normal friendly question as stated earlier and start being more real with her. But always be aware of the friend-zone; it's always lurking in a girl's mind. It's better to get rejected for being too much of a jerk, when you start out, than to be rejected for being too 'nice'.

 

There are a few different ways of approaching women: there is online, social circle, the street, and nightlife (bars, pubs, clubs, and parties). Figure out which would best suit your lifestyle. Make women fit your lifestyle rather than changing your lifestyle to fit women. You sound like the sort of guy who would be great husband material, so online dating should be really easy for you - as opposed to nightclubs, because you don't drink or sound like the partying type.

 

Whichever you choose, always make an effort to approach women in real life. It teaches you good skills.

 

Sadly, I can't help you too much with online dating, because I only use Tinder. But there is lot's of great advice on here for the more reputable dating sites.

[mrgrum]

Well first off - well done on trying to improve yourself, when you do meet someone it will all be worth it!!

 

I am a confident person but have never been able to approach people - must be the fear of rejection.

 

I can honestly say that I think Tinder is the way forward, its very superficial - but allows you to connect with people without the initial rejection. I have met some great people on there and not all of them are looking for a hookup.

 

Best wishes

[hasaquestion]

First off, I would advise that you learn body language. Ever heard the term 'women's intuition'? Women are more perceptive because they seem to have an innate understanding of body language and covert communication. Learning to understand body language will help you immensely with your approach and on dates. But, look for a book, or video that deals with body language with regards to meeting women specifically, because it's a broad and interesting subject. Women will often give you signals to approach them, if you can read the body language. Once you learn it, you'll start to notice when women are checking you out, and you'll realise that you can approach women absolutely anywhere.

 

Typically, I approach with a compliment. Straight away i'm signaling my attraction and being direct. But nothing too over the top: you don't want to be saying "you're the most beautiful woman i've ever seen!" Just tell her that you noticed her and think she looks nice/cute, or mention something that took your interest, like her style or her demeanor. After this, if she's being receptive, the big danger is that you start asking gay hairdresser questions and kill the flirty vibe such as: 'what do you do for work?', or 'where do you come from?'. Instead you want to put a good energy into the exchange by bantering with her, making her laugh, and messing with her. Treat her like you would your bratty sister; don't be afraid to make fun of her (but in a nice way!). Whilst doing this you add in the odd normal friendly question as stated earlier and start being more real with her. But always be aware of the friend-zone; it's always lurking in a girl's mind. It's better to get rejected for being too much of a jerk, when you start out, than to be rejected for being too 'nice'.

 

There are a few different ways of approaching women: there is online, social circle, the street, and nightlife (bars, pubs, clubs, and parties). Figure out which would best suit your lifestyle. Make women fit your lifestyle rather than changing your lifestyle to fit women. You sound like the sort of guy who would be great husband material, so online dating should be really easy for you - as opposed to nightclubs, because you don't drink or sound like the partying type.

 

Whichever you choose, always make an effort to approach women in real life. It teaches you good skills.

 

Sadly, I can't help you too much with online dating, because I only use Tinder. But there is lot's of great advice on here for the more reputable dating sites.

 

My rule of thumb. If you can see someone's aunt asking them a question, then you shouldn't say it. Doesn't matter if its a date or just a new acquaintance.

People like to talk about what they love, not what they do. Family, hobbies, music, aspirations... if you're going to ask someone a question when getting to know them, ask them about what they wish people would ask them about. The usual stale "what do you do" stuff is the worst.

[Jabron1]

My rule of thumb. If you can see someone's aunt asking them a question, then you shouldn't say it. Doesn't matter if its a date or just a new acquaintance.

People like to talk about what they love, not what they do. Family, hobbies, music, aspirations... if you're going to ask someone a question when getting to know them, ask them about what they wish people would ask them about. The usual stale "what do you do" stuff is the worst.

 

Case in point: there's an attractive girl at my new job, and the other guys kiss her arse (they ain't getting any; she has a boyfriend, and these guys at work are too lame). She was talking to a guy about cars. She said she drives a Vauxhall Corsa; so I said "Vauxhall Corsa? That's a boy-racers car!" (with a big smile). She seemed a bit surprised, but then smiled and said "but it's pink..." (not pink but some weird shade that I can't remember). So I laughed and said "Oh, that's alright then, cause pink makes everything girly!".

 

Since, she has started going out of her way, making conversation with me - despite us working in different areas. The other day, she was talking to a guy on the stairs, and, when I walked past, she ditched the poor guy to catch up with me.

 

The point is that women want banter. They want fun. Flirt with people, even if it's a pensioner. The OP needs to practice. I said to the older woman (she must be 60 odd years) at the front desk today who was complaining about being hot and flustered: 'Yeah, I have that effect on women". She cracked up.

 

It's about bringing value to people. If you're giving women a good interaction, then there's no need to be anxious about approaching, because you're bringing fun to people's boring day.

 

If you look at it like you're only approaching to get laid, then you're looking to take a woman's value. So you will get anxious - as if you're doing something wrong. But, if you're giving her value, you can feel good about approaching.

 

Look at the approach itself as the fun, and not a means to an end.

[basil67]

Following Satu's advice to be friendly and engaging to all around you, I would suggest you extend your social group and get involved in sports/hobbies etc where you can meet people. And don't forget to smile.

 

I'm a woman and back in my dating days, I didn't respond well to cold approaches. But if I got chatting with a guy through a social activity...or introduced by a friend, I'd be far more open to it.

[basil67]

The point is that women want banter. They want fun. Flirt with people, even if it's a pensioner. The OP needs to practice. I said to the older woman (she must be 60 odd years) at the front desk today who was complaining about being hot and flustered: 'Yeah, I have that effect on women". She cracked up.

 

This ^^

 

I was at the gym and was hot and puffing after being on the treadmill. A guy who's a regular came up to me and said something about him having that effect on a girl. We laughed and introduced ourselves and now greet each other regularly.

[Arieswoman]

Health,

First of all kudos to you for doing work on yourself, qualifying and having meaningful employment!

 

Now, I presume from your age you want to attract more "mature" women, so you need to go where they go.

 

Here's where some of my female friends met their second husbands;

 

Scottish Dancing classes

 

The supermarket

 

At a bus stop

 

At the gym

 

In the library (she was the librarian)

 

Mature women have life experience and like interesting men, so make sure you have some good conversation and opinions (not too radical) and are up to speed with current events, local issues etc.

 

As long as you don't have too stringent and unrealistic requirements for females you should do fine.

 

(An engineer male friend of mine was single for 15 years after one LTR. He was in his 40's , 5'7" tall, bald as a coot, and vegan. He's now been married for 3 years to a lovely petite teacher who was single- it took him a bit longer because he had specific requirements.)

 

There's someone for everyone out there - good luck!