Kinl Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 We've been together for 4 years and have a 1.5 year old. She's pregnant again, confirmed today. Here are the facts... We only have sex 2-4 times a month, if that. I use a condom 100% properly every time. She has a health condition and only ovulates every 3rd month. So she can only get pregnant 4 months out of the year. So getting pregnant while using condoms is not likely. More likely that she's banging someone else. So I checked her Facebook. Nothing suspicious other than messaging her ex a lot. He starts all conversations and she doesn't seem interested/chatty. But messages could have been deleted. I tried to check her phone but it's locked with her finger print. So I checked her email and she had one for a dating website. I logged into the account. Her profile had NO info at all and no pictures of herself. But she did fill out the questions about what you are looking for. She selected single, looking for long term relationship, has kids, wants kids, only wants to date someone with kids, etc. She had no outgoing messages (could have deleted) but had a lot of profiles in the recently viewed. She is a university student and is in class 2 days a week for 4 hours each day. There is a man in her classes she likes (she brings him up and mentions him a lot) as far as I can tell. She has never stayed late but could easily skip class and bang him. Here are the facts against it... -That's the only time she would have to cheat, she's home with our child if she's not at school. Never goes out. -She was raped in the past by a BF and took 16 months to have sex with me. BUT she has changed a lot since then. She also use to be nervous to be around men in general but is totally fine now. So its not an issue anymore. -I'm cheating, sort of (sexual video chat with friend), and that may fog my judgment. She does not know about it. I wouldn't suspect anything if she wasn't pregnant. But it's just so unlikely that I got her pregnant. Plus finding the (empty) dating profile is concerning. I plan on asking her tonight if its mine. Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Kinl, In reading both your threads, I CALL BS. First, when was the dating site first on? I bet it is a old one predating your relationship. You are just looking for an excuse to leave, and trying to build a case where you are not the bad guy. So leave, at least have the guts to step up and leave. You are not ready for a relationship, family, kids. Let her find a mate that can do this. He can father your children, and I am sure that would also suit you as well. I problem is not her, it is you. You do not want this, you are projecting on to your Girl Friend. I wish her luck........... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 Kinl, In reading both your threads, I CALL BS. First, when was the dating site first on? I bet it is a old one predating your relationship. You are just looking for an excuse to leave, and trying to build a case where you are not the bad guy. So leave, at least have the guts to step up and leave. You are not ready for a relationship, family, kids. Let her find a mate that can do this. He can father your children, and I am sure that would also suit you as well. I problem is not her, it is you. You do not want this, you are projecting on to your Girl Friend. I wish her luck........... The email confirming the account is 3 months old. So no, it is not from before our relationship. And she had no children before our relationship and it says she does. I am trying not to project anything. Hence asking for opinions. There is no coming back from "Is it even mine?". Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 First of all why is contacting her ex so much. This is a red flag. Second, if she signed up and filled out a dating site questionnaire then that is a huge red sign. Thirdly, the way you describe it it does sound highly unlikely that this is your child. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 First of all, own your baggage. You are cheating. Get a paternity test. Find out if it's yours. Either way, start working on you. You don't seem to value marriage vows at all. And before you say "But she...." First Look in the mirror and own it. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 First of all why is contacting her ex so much. This is a red flag. Second, if she signed up and filled out a dating site questionnaire then that is a huge red sign. Thirdly, the way you describe it it does sound highly unlikely that this is your child. Good luck. In her defense about her ex, they were best friends from pre-school and dated for a year like 6 years ago and went right back to being best friends. When we started dating he stopped talking to her and they just started talking a month ago. Mostly catching up but a lot of him saying all the mistakes he made. The dating site confuses me because she filled out the questions but didn't write the about me, etc or out up pictures. But it is a red flag. Especially since she viewed a lot of profiles. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 First of all, own your baggage. You are cheating. Get a paternity test. Find out if it's yours. Either way, start working on you. You don't seem to value marriage vows at all. And before you say "But she...." First Look in the mirror and own it. Yes, I am technically cheating. But video chats are not nearly as bad as actually ****ing someone else. I will definitely get a paternity test. Unfortunately that isn't possible for about 9 months. Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Sounds like you are both checked out of this relationship. I will say you have some nerve cheating on her and then wondering if she is doing the same. This is not a healthy relationship. I suggest you confront her about her dating account and the pregnancy. If she denies everything then you will have to get some kind of test done to proof the child is yours. You don't really know how often she is ovulating as that could have changed by now. Whatever her answer is about the cheating and the pregnancy you then MUST come clean about your own cheating. Both of you need to clear the air if you will have any chance for a future together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Yes, I am technically cheating. But video chats are not nearly as bad as actually ****ing someone else. I will definitely get a paternity test. Unfortunately that isn't possible for about 9 months. no...technically...cheating is cheating. and you can get a paternity test before the baby is born....but there is a risk. It sounds to me like ...perhaps she knows what you have been up to and she is preparing for your exit. You obviously both need to go your separate ways..... Good luck....I think you will be just fine. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Actually video chat is just as bad, stop justifying it. Why are you even together? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 Sounds like you are both checked out of this relationship. I will say you have some nerve cheating on her and then wondering if she is doing the same. This is not a healthy relationship. I suggest you confront her about her dating account and the pregnancy. If she denies everything then you will have to get some kind of test done to proof the child is yours. You don't really know how often she is ovulating as that could have changed by now. Whatever her answer is about the cheating and the pregnancy you then MUST come clean about your own cheating. Both of you need to clear the air if you will have any chance for a future together. I am going to confront her today when I get home. I don't want a future with her if she is cheating. And I'm sure as hell not raising some other dudes kid. no...technically...cheating is cheating. and you can get a paternity test before the baby is born....but there is a risk. It sounds to me like ...perhaps she knows what you have been up to and she is preparing for your exit. You obviously both need to go your separate ways..... Good luck....I think you will be just fine. Okay then yes, I'm cheating. I don't think she knows or she would confront me. But maybe she does. So you think she is cheating or she is trying to find someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 Actually video chat is just as bad, stop justifying it. Why are you even together? Because we have a child together and I use to love her. I wanted to try and fix it. But when this pregnancy came up that made me question her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I think it doesn't really matter...except for child paternity. It sounds to me like you have both checked out of the relationship. so...check out and move on. Maybe the baby won't be yours and you won't have to pay child support. Maybe she has a boyfriend and hes the baby daddy and everybody will be happy. But I can tell you...this relationship is in trouble....and i have a feeling it isn't worth trying to put in all the work it would take to save it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 OP, just so you know, it only takes having sex 1 time to get pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I think that this all projection, and it's the OP who wants to cheat and bed other people. Classic projection. "Its not me. Its you." It's the most basic and most frequently employed mental mechanism. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 OP, just so you know, it only takes having sex 1 time to get pregnant. I am well aware of that. But getting pregnant with a properly used condom is very low. Yes it's possible. But not likely. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she isn't cheating and it is mine. But right now that seems very unlikely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kinl Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) I think it doesn't really matter...except for child paternity. It sounds to me like you have both checked out of the relationship. so...check out and move on. Maybe the baby won't be yours and you won't have to pay child support. Maybe she has a boyfriend and hes the baby daddy and everybody will be happy. But I can tell you...this relationship is in trouble....and i have a feeling it isn't worth trying to put in all the work it would take to save it. It actually does matter. If she didn't cheat then I have another child on the way. I am not a deadbeat dad. If we break up I'd fight for 50/50 - or more. If she has never cheated I would want to try and fix our relationship. And if it seems unlikely that it's someone else's I don't want to confront her and say it is. Edited February 11, 2016 by Kinl Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 You can't fix a relationship while you are fapping to someone else on cam. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 But what if she doesn't want to "fix" it? You see...reconciliation takes both people....giving 100% this means you need to confess what you have done...can you do that? It means becoming totally transparent to each other....can you do that? You are right...if you are the father...you absolutely want to do the right thing. Here's what bothers me.... If you found out today she is pregnant....why is your very first thought...the baby is not mine? Why would you immediately begin searching for infidelity on her part? Why wouldn't your first reaction be ...oh honey!!! That's GREAT!!! Let me tell you....if i had told my husband I was pregnant and his first reaction was to start digging to see if i screwed around....he is not the man i thought he was. The only possible reason i can think of to cause this response...is GUILT on your part. You know you are actively cheating...therefore...she probably is too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 First, control what you have absolute control over: you 1. Thank the friend for the memories and stop the video chatting/flirtation/correspondence/whatever with her or any other female. You can make that choice and no one can stop you. 2. Document. Express surprise, legitimate surprise over the pregnancy, and get a look at the doctor's report. Gather information, details. No need for any confrontations, yet. You have an infant/toddler at home. Going postal now could cook you down the road. 3. Let the pregnancy play out and then execute the results of your documentation as found and appropriate. Right now, nothing is verified. In time, it might be, or the reverse. It's unknown. What is known is you have a 1.5 yo child to watch out for. Job #1. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I think he wants her to have cheated. Then he can tell himself that what he has done/is doing/wants to do is ok. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) BTW Einstein - the dating sites fill those fields in automatically with default values. At best, she's simply reading profiles. I think the baby is yours but, she's on to [to you] and looking for a way out. Smart girl. Edited February 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Let me tell you....if i had told my husband I was pregnant and his first reaction was to start digging to see if i screwed around....he is not the man i thought he was. ROFL That, as a blanket statement, is absurd!! For it depends entirely upon whether you were/are in fact, "screwing around"... Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 As a reminder: 1. Read this announcement: LoveShack.org Community Forums - Announcements in Forum : Infidelity 2. Opinions shall be offered in a civil manner. Pejorative characterizations of fellow members are not civil and will be sanctioned. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 ROFL That, as a blanket statement, is absurd!! For it depends entirely upon whether you were/are in fact, "screwing around"... yes you are right ....as a blanket statement it is absurd. But it was a statement about MY relationship...so it does not apply to anyone else. I was not screwing around...he had no reason to suspect I was screwing around....and i would have been angry and hurt if that was his first reaction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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