Is she cheating; pregnant by another man?

[Bryanp]

I don't think you owe her a damn thing. That text is clearly a smoking gun.

She is pregnant with his child and who knows how long she has been having sex with him and putting your health at risk for STD's. She is a real piece of work. Cut your losses as soon as you can.

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See an attorney

3. Expose her to everyone. She deserves it.

 

Good luck to you.

[TX-SC]

Your relationship with her is over. There is no need to draw this out. Break up immediately and work out your coparenting situation. Have a DNA test completed as soon as possible on your child, just to verify. If your child is not yours, have your name removed from the birth certificate and cut all ties with her.

 

Don't wait to break up with her. There is no reason to postpone this. If the first child is yours, do right by it.

[Kinl]

I am going to break up with her Sunday. My parents are taking our (maybe, at this rate who knows) son for the day. I'm not doing anything in front of him.

 

I want answers to questions I have and I don't know how to get them out of her. Like how long has this been going on, were they exclusive or was he screwing around too. Is her first son mine or not. Did they try for the second baby. When the hell was this miscarriage and was that his too. Does she plan on being with him. How's that going to work being 4.5 hours apart. How did she have no energy for me but clearly did for him. If she was banging him why was she trying so hard to make us work (over compensating?). How is she going to explain this to people.

 

I am going to demand a DNA test for both kids. When I dump her if she takes our(?) son then I don't know when I will see him again.

[Poutrew]

Well, good luck. Just don't expect too many answers forthcoming. Do expect lots of crying, blame shifting (it'll be all your fault), and bull s*it. She will protect her lover and her investment into that relationship. You are the past and he is the future... just be prepared, OP.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Actually..it sounds like the OM was her past present and future.

[Kinl]

I sent her on our weekend getaway alone. She's at a resort a couple hours away. I wanted her out of the house. I might make a surprise visit tomorrow. Either she will be alone and I'll confront her. Or she will have her lover there and I'll catch them in the act and confront them both.

 

I kept telling her to talk to me and all she would say is "what's the point when all you do is accuse me and jump to conclusions". I called her ex but he didn't answer. So I texted him "how long have you been banging my girlfriend". The response I got was "I'm not going to fight with you. If you want to sit down like men and talk, then fine. But I'm not stepping to your level. Get use to me, I'm not going anywhere. It's in your best interest to learn to co-parent. If not, you are the one that looks bad."

 

I can't get bad thoughts out of my head. Like I might as well sleep around since she is. Or I should take our son and not let her see him until I legally have to. And that I want to bang her just because her "ex" told her not to, to get back at him. Or that I want to meet this guy and give him what he deserves.

[Kinl]

Actually..it sounds like the OM was her past present and future.

 

So its my fault for not noticing the red flags all along? Like her watching his videos (especially when she was upset), speaking Portuguese to our son (his native language, we are in Canada hardly a need for it). Never wanting to talk about him. Saying how much she loves Portugal (his home country) every time she say it on TV - she was there with him once.

[TX-SC]

Nobody is accusing you of anythong. What needdo you have in confronting her with him, or for taunting the guy. It's over. Just be a man and move on to somebody new. Have your child's DNA tested to make sure. Then, if he is your son, coparent and otherwise just leave her alone.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You know...its real easy to have hind sight....and to "if only"....

I am not walking in your shoes.... so I cannot say you should have .....or you could have.....

 

You may be thinking how could i have been so blind and stupid etc.

 

But second guessing accomplishes nothing.

 

We learn from life lessons....and hopefully we don't make the same mistakes again.

 

I really am sorry this has happened....walking away is never easy....especially where babies are involved. But you cannot make her love you if she doesn't....and from the picture you have painted....her heart was never yours. That's a shame....that knowing that...she had your baby...(if indeed the first one is yours) How unfair that is to you.....

 

By the way....i think you lashed out at me.....and thats ok.....i hear your anger....but my statement was not meant to be critical of you.....I was criticizing her.

Edited February 13, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[Kinl]

Nobody is accusing you of anythong. What needdo you have in confronting her with him, or for taunting the guy. It's over. Just be a man and move on to somebody new. Have your child's DNA tested to make sure. Then, if he is your son, coparent and otherwise just leave her alone.

 

This guy is a Piece of work. He doesn't deserve to be left alone or get off easy. What kind of guy knowingly screws another man's girlfriend and knocks her up? Or plans a future with a taken woman? They have a history, a long one. Did she willingly jump at the chance to be with him or did he play mind games to get her back when she was vulnerable. He knew her extremely well, he'd know how to get in her head.

 

He doesn't deserve her, he doesn't deserve to be a step father or father and he sure as hell doesn't deserve to be left alone to screw her.

Edited February 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[soleilesquire]

Wow, that email exchange certainly changes things. Sounds like she has at the very LEAST been highly inappropriate and probably cheating.

 

It may be best to part ways. I'd think twice about exposing her cheating unless you have enough character to expose your own. Hypocrisy is unattractive.

 

I'd also DNA your current child. Just think, if he/she isn't yours, you can be free of all parental responsibiity.

[RRM321]

What I did was wrong, but she took it to a whole new level. If she miscarried before than this has been going on for a long time.

 

The spiral you're on is what is most dangerous for both of you right now. Get a grip on that - even if you have to separate and make space to do it. Setting up all these confrontations while you are so on edge can quickly turn into something much, much, worse.

 

It's clear from the text message you posted that she is afraid of you. That's not where you want to be in this situation.

 

You both treated each other very badly. Comparing and measuring the behaviors serves no real purpose. There's no winner. When you fight with grenades it doesn't matter who started it or which grenade was bigger - both sides are destroyed.

 

Get some help to get your emotions under control so you can resolve this safely for everyone.

[MJJean]

If its available in my country and if she'll consent to it. I imagine by the time that comes around she'll admit whose child it is. Don't think she wants to be the girl going in for a paternity test.

 

The website specifically says US and Canada, so you're good.

 

She may not know who the child's father is. She was having sex with you. She was having sex with him. Condoms have a failure rate. Trust me, I know. I have one Pill baby and one condom baby. So, there is a chance you are the father even though she was cheating. There is also a chance you're not. Only one way to know for certain.

[steve621]

whoa... man that sucks this could really go either way do yourself a favor ask a lot of questions and be calm when you do it this way she is more then likely to "Come Clean" but be persistent chances are you are just being paranoid. Good luck brother!

[Kinl]

I'd also DNA your current child. Just think, if he/she isn't yours, you can be free of all parental responsibiity.

 

He most likely is mine. He was identical to how I looked as a newborn. He has my eye color (3 colours combined). And her ex is Portuguese so he has dark hair and eyes and olive skin, none of which my son has.

 

But regardless he has been my son for the last year and a half. That's not something you can walk away from or be happy if he's not yours. I will be having a DNA test though.

 

She deserves to be outed.

 

The spiral you're on is what is most dangerous for both of you right now. Get a grip on that - even if you have to separate and make space to do it. Setting up all these confrontations while you are so on edge can quickly turn into something much, much, worse.

 

It's clear from the text message you posted that she is afraid of you. That's not where you want to be in this situation.

 

You both treated each other very badly. Comparing and measuring the behaviors serves no real purpose. There's no winner. When you fight with grenades it doesn't matter who started it or which grenade was bigger - both sides are destroyed.

 

Get some help to get your emotions under control so you can resolve this safely for everyone.

 

She should be afraid. I don't lose my cool often but when I do... I want to make her life a living hell.

 

Why should she get to run off into the sunset with this guy and have her perfect little family. While I'm stuck here trying to pick up the pieces and deal with it all. I hope they don't work. I hope he cheats on her so she knows how it feels to have the love of her life crush her heart. He probably will, no good guy would date a woman who was cheating. They don't deserve to be happy.

 

 

The website specifically says US and Canada, so you're good.

 

She may not know who the child's father is. She was having sex with you. She was having sex with him. Condoms have a failure rate. Trust me, I know. I have one Pill baby and one condom baby. So, there is a chance you are the father even though she was cheating. There is also a chance you're not. Only one way to know for certain.

 

Well maybe she'll have another miscarriage and it won't even be an issue. One can hope. I hope it's his. Not because I don't want another kid. But so she has to deal with the pregnancy and raising with him almost 5 hours away. And so she'll be a unmarried 23 year old with two kids from different dads. She use to make rude comments about those people.

[RRM321]

If I were in this situation I would focus less on proving I'm right - and think more about what I really want (anything other than simply winning the argument.)

 

Do I want to punish her - or do I want to save my family?

 

There are some relationships out there that got pretty freakishly messed up and yet, people still managed to come to turns with each other and build something lasting and rewarding.

 

This marriage is over - but, whose to say you couldn't have a second one with the same person if in fact, there is some dynamic in each of you that can be overcome.

 

Take one step at a time and figure out what each step really means. First thing to deal with is the way that BOTH of you cheat. Then, deal with the consequences of that cheating, including the paternity. Consider honestly and compassionately walking this road together until such time as you see that your paths will no longer connect.

 

You're going to be angry but, when anger controls us - we try to control others and that just pushes them further away. Sometimes when I change the word in my head from angry to desperate it helps move my mindset to focus on problem solving instead just winning the argument.

 

Whatever the truth, I hope you come out of this with a better family in whatever form it takes.

Edited February 14, 2016 by RRM321

[Kinl]

If I were in this situation I would focus less on proving I'm right - and think more about what I really want (anything other than simply winning the argument.)

 

Do I want to punish her - or do I want to save my family?

 

There are some relationships out there that got pretty freakishly messed up and yet, people still managed to come to turns with each other and build something lasting and rewarding.

 

This marriage is over - but, whose to say you couldn't have a second one with the same person if in fact, there is some dynamic in each of you that can be overcome.

 

Take one step at a time and figure out what each step really means. First thing to deal with is the way that BOTH of you cheat. Then, deal with the consequences of that cheating, including the paternity. Consider honestly and compassionately walking this road together until such time as you see that your paths will no longer connect.

 

Right now I want to punish her and ruin her life. I don't want her. She always said she hated that I slept around so much and that I cheated (in past relationships). She made rude comments about women who sleep around. But she did it!

 

So right now, I want to ruin her. I hope she suffers and doesn't find happiness. I hope she is miserable. And if she really does love him and they are happy I hope he gets stationed across the world because she cannot go with.

[sandylee1]

A few people keep saying the OP is married...he isn't. It's his girlfriend.

 

OP - That's pretty bold of her ex to respond to you that way. Your head must really be spinning from your online stuff...to her offering sex all the time and you rejecting it .....to her being pregnant.

 

Your clearly had no sexual desire for her and said the sex was bad... so you're now free to go your own way and coparent.

 

Let her be with her ex and perhaps you can move on and be with your ex too. You and your GF won't be happy together...so it's best you each find happiness with other people.

[RRM321]

A few people keep saying the OP is married...he isn't. It's his girlfriend.

 

OP - That's pretty bold of her ex to respond to you that way. Your head must really be spinning from your online stuff...to her offering sex all the time and you rejecting it .....to her being pregnant.

 

Your clearly had no sexual desire for her and said the sex was bad... so you're now free to go your own way and coparent.

 

Given those details, it's a little hard to distinguish the OP from the exBF. They would appear to be two sides of the same coin? In the middle is a woman with two men willing to get her pregnant, and neither one willing to make a commitment.

Edited February 14, 2016 by RRM321

[Kinl]

OP - That's pretty bold of her ex to respond to you that way. Your head must really be spinning from your online stuff...to her offering sex all the time and you rejecting it .....to her being pregnant.

 

Your clearly had no sexual desire for her and said the sex was bad... so you're now free to go your own way and coparent.

 

After his "I'm not going to fight with you. If you want to sit down like men and talk, then fine. But I'm not stepping to your level. Get use to me, I'm not going anywhere. It's in your best interest to learn to co-parent. If not, you are the one that looks bad." reply. I said some things.

 

He texted back a couple hours later, "Unlike you, I know how to be the bigger man. Also unlike you, I can see when I have a good thing. I'm not going to wait 4 years to seal the deal. She'll be my wife before you know it. She was always meant to be. Thank you for looking after her before she found her way back to me."

 

He's just trying to look like a good guy but he's not. A guy that's okay with dating a cheater will have no problem cheating himself. I don't want to co-parent with that.

 

You're right, the sex was bad. With me. I'm assuming it's not with him. Is arrogance that much better in bed? Or did our sex life suck because her heart was with him? Too worn out from all her great baby making sex with him?

 

Given those details, it's a little hard to distinguish the OP from the exBF. They would appear to be two sides of the same coin? In the middle is a woman with two men willing to get her pregnant, and neither one willing to make a commitment.

 

He claims he's going to marry her (soon) and live happily ever after and pop out babies left and right. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I hope not though. I hope he ends up walking away and leaving her so she knows what it's like.

[ChickiePops]

After his "I'm not going to fight with you. If you want to sit down like men and talk, then fine. But I'm not stepping to your level. Get use to me, I'm not going anywhere. It's in your best interest to learn to co-parent. If not, you are the one that looks bad." reply. I said some things.

 

He texted back a couple hours later, "Unlike you, I know how to be the bigger man. Also unlike you, I can see when I have a good thing. I'm not going to wait 4 years to seal the deal. She'll be my wife before you know it. She was always meant to be. Thank you for looking after her before she found her way back to me."

 

He's just trying to look like a good guy but he's not. A guy that's okay with dating a cheater will have no problem cheating himself. I don't want to co-parent with that.

 

You're right, the sex was bad. With me. I'm assuming it's not with him. Is arrogance that much better in bed? Or did our sex life suck because her heart was with him? Too worn out from all her great baby making sex with him?

 

 

 

He claims he's going to marry her (soon) and live happily ever after and pop out babies left and right. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I hope not though. I hope he ends up walking away and leaving her so she knows what it's like.

 

You keep conveniently forgetting that you're a cheater too. I'm not excusing her actions but you're just as bad as she is. It sounds like you both checked out of this relationship a long time ago..you've even admitted that you don't love her.

 

This relationship was doomed ages ago. Don't be vindictive..try to keep it classy. You have a child together..he needs you to get along with his mother.

 

It's a sucky situation but you are responsible for making it suck too so you need to get off your high horse and own that.

[soleilesquire]

Right now I want to punish her and ruin her life. I don't want her. She always said she hated that I slept around so much and that I cheated (in past relationships). She made rude comments about women who sleep around. But she did it!

 

So right now, I want to ruin her. I hope she suffers and doesn't find happiness. I hope she is miserable. And if she really does love him and they are happy I hope he gets stationed across the world because she cannot go with.

 

Does she get to ruin your life for reliving yourself with a virtual girlfriend?

[Kinl]

You keep conveniently forgetting that you're a cheater too. I'm not excusing her actions but you're just as bad as she is. It sounds like you both checked out of this relationship a long time ago..you've even admitted that you don't love her.

 

This relationship was doomed ages ago. Don't be vindictive..try to keep it classy. You have a child together..he needs you to get along with his mother.

 

It's a sucky situation but you are responsible for making it suck too so you need to get off your high horse and own that.

 

Yes, I cheated. But she was cheating for a lot longer. All our problems probably stemed from that. I never had sex with another woman. I thought about it but wouldn't ever do it. But she had no problem doing it, neither of them did.

 

So when I did put in effort it was totally useless because she was with him anyway, trying to make babies. Instead of feeling like an ass for cheating I could have been single. My son got more and more use to us being together.

 

She was never over him. She never should have gotten into another relationship. And sure as hell shouldn't have had a baby.

[Kinl]

Does she get to ruin your life for reliving yourself with a virtual girlfriend?

 

She doesn't even know about it but she can try. She doesn't know the girl. There is nothing she can do. "He cheated on me when I was sleeping with another dude and got knocked up" doesn't have a lot to it.

 

But I know who she cheated with. And if he really is going to stay in her life I can make them miserable. I can make sure everyone I know knows who she really is. He is in the military, there is probably some rule against this crap that he can be busted for.

Edited February 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[RRM321]

Right now I want to punish her and ruin her life. I don't want her. She always said she hated that I slept around so much and that I cheated (in past relationships). She made rude comments about women who sleep around. But she did it!

 

So right now, I want to ruin her. I hope she suffers and doesn't find happiness. I hope she is miserable. And if she really does love him and they are happy I hope he gets stationed across the world because she cannot go with.

 

"Ruin" is a goal at which you will fail miserably. Furthermore, in your present course you are also likely to lose any custody of your own child. You sound that dangerous.

 

It appears that both your past and present finally caught up with you. She is now finally doing the right thing for her children whether this second child is yours or not. I return to my original suspicion that you are a man she needs to get very far away from.

 

I wish her well, and I wish you sanity and a jail free future.

Edited February 14, 2016 by RRM321