Is she cheating; pregnant by another man?

[ShatteredLady]

"How is fighting for custody taking him away from me? If anything he'll get more of me."

 

Sorry. I was responding to advise like ssaromance etc. the 'hurt her, don't let-up, punish!' kind of vibe I was getting. That's what I meant by hurting her will hurt your son.

 

I was worried that you could possibly act in a way that could stop you getting to see your son.

[soleilesquire]

Men (and women) of a certain ilk will disagree, but ultimately, demonizing one's spouse/ex spouse to children rarely speaks well of the one doing the demonizing. And most smart kids, when they get older, figure that out.

 

So while righteous indignation and moral high ground may feel good, telling little Johnny that Mommy is a [cheater] really sets little Johnny up for more problems.

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[RRM321]

She has trouble managing with 1 kids, I'm sure she'll drop out once she has 2 kids.

 

...Then she'll be on her own with 2+ kids..

 

Curious:

I thought you were a dad? Why is it you're conspicuously absent in every mention of childcare?

 

It seems like when you're hostile it's MY son, and when you mention family life it's HER kid.

Edited February 16, 2016 by RRM321

[lolablue17]

It's good that you don't do anything without your lawyer. EVERYTHING!

 

Another thing... You've mentioned that she sets her terms, and doesn't allow you to take your son "until you agree". Is it documented? It's a clear blackmail. It might be against her in court.

 

And on your side be careful. Take as an assumption that everything you say, write or reply to her is saved \ recorded. Don't fight with her, always be the weak side, the soft one. Don't threat, don't put hard terms. This, in addition to the main - Only through your lawyer.

[Kinl]

Curious:

I thought you were a dad? Why is it you're conspicuously absent in every mention of childcare?

 

It seems like when you're hostile it's MY son, and when you mention family life it's HER kid.

 

Because when she has him she will be on her own. We are no longer a unit.

[Kinl]

We met today. She showed up with her boyfriend of course. When I got there he started his act. He got out of the car, came to my car when I was getting out and tried to shake my hand. He gave me some sort of hate/death/intimidation stare. Then went back to his car and opened the door for my ex. He kissed her when she got out and walked her into the building, arm around her.

 

When we got to the meeting room he kissed her again and let her go in. He stayed outside. When we left the room he kissed her AGAIN and hugged her for an eternity. I walked away and he called my name. He tried to shake my hand again. I just turned around and walked away. It was clearly all an act. He's either trying to look like the good guy, get under my skin or show off to her - or all of the above.

 

We didn't agree on anything. She came to the table with:

 

-50/50 custody

 

-3-3-4-4 schedule (she gets 3 days, I get 3 days, she gets 4 days, I get 4 days)

 

-Work the schedule so she has him the 2nd and 4th friday of the month (not hard)

 

-I get a full week in July, she gets a full week in August (alternate each year if I want)

 

-My family cannot ask for him on her days (they like to take him for a few hours every now and then)

 

-She gets Mother's Day, I get Father's Day, regardless of schedule

 

-We do his birthday together

 

-Split holidays in half (she gets Christmas eve and Christmas morning, I get the rest of Christmas and all Boxing Day; then back to regular schedule; alternate days every year)

 

-She pays insurance ($200/year) and daycare ($1200/month); I pay sports

 

-Prescription costs fall on the parent who has the child when they get the prescription (unless he has a chronic condition, then split)

 

-Each parent provides the necessary things for their home (clothing, toys, diapers, hygiene supplies, etc.)

 

-No child support or spousal support on either end

 

-He needs to stay at the same daycare, doctor and dentist

 

-She'll send breast milk with him

 

-Various safety things (like carseats, etc.) that I agreed to

 

-Neither parent can move outside the city or surrounding area (about 25 minutes out of the city for surrounding area)

 

-No taking him out of the city without telling the other parent (other parent has no control over it, just needs to be notified)

 

-No taking him out of the province/country without written permission

 

She asked if there was anything I wanted to add or preferred. I wouldn't agree to it though. I think I should try and get more time. She said the offer is on the table still. She didn't care at all about my lawyer being there, hers was not.

 

She said she wants to take him to Quebec City for her 4 days (date not decided) (about 900*Km/560 miles). She actually said "we", so it would be her and her boyfriend.

 

I still think I should fight for more time. Or make it so she can't take him farther than 200km out of the city (her boyfriend lives 360km away). That's far enough to go to her family and activities. My lawyer was there and sat in the meeting. He said what she's offering is "fair" agreement and I should add things I want them. He said a judge could offer less, probably not more unless I have significant evidence. He said she's being "reasonable".

 

The act her boyfriend put on is pathetic. It's a good thing my lawyer was there or I would have punched him in the face. Acting like the good guy and a gentleman, when he's clearly not that at all.

[RRM321]

Because when she has him she will be on her own. We are no longer a unit.

 

The reverse will also be true.

You are both parents, the unit doesn't add anything that wasn't already there.

If I recall you weren't married so, I don't understand the sudden subscription to unity theory?

 

Do you want to be a parent to your son?

Do you want his mother in his life and for him to have a quality relationship with her?

 

If the answer is NO to either question you are going to lose custody. You could lie but, your lie will inevitably reveal itself.

 

You can have everything you want, except her. You can have a relationship with your son, you can find a new relationship with a good woman, and you can have you're iPad too. Just do the right thing.

Edited February 17, 2016 by RRM321

[ChickiePops]

Because when she has him she will be on her own. We are no longer a unit.

 

You will always be a unit. You're his parents.

[Kinl]

You will always be a unit. You're his parents.

 

No, we won't. To me a unit means you tackle things together. When my son is with her, I'm not going to go over and help her. When she gets dumped and is raising 2 kids I'm not going to go over and help her. Just like she won't be coming to my house to help me.

[Miss Clavel]

If she wouldn't have cheated I wouldn't have done what I did. She wouldn't have changed, that's what started this.

 

Her being pregnant made me suspect the cheating. And writing it all out made me suspect it more. That thread made me look deeper. To add, she admitted that she cheated.

 

Why does she get to walk away, be happy, and start a family with another man (with my son)? I'm not walking away like a dog with his tail between his legs.

 

 

i hear you. i get you.

 

i felt the same way. i had fantasies of going to her rent controlled apartment, knocking on her door, pulling back my arm, making a fist and slamming it into her nose.

 

i decided, she was not worth the waste of gas it would take me to get there. she is beneath contempt. and based on how little understanding she has about anyone's feelings, or the fact that they possess them, makes me wonder how far she got in school.

 

you will get thur this. you will come out on top. the fact that you feel they have won is short sighted. this will go on for years. giving you plenty of opportunity to decide you no longer care about winning against the losers, you've moved on.

 

however,

 

your child is a sibbling to their child.

 

read it again.

 

get your **** together before they start using that card. "our baby needs his sibbling". "our baby should be with his intact family".

 

get a place. have a space for your child and their child. a place for your child to play and study. his own desk with a lamp and plenty of supplies and books that are age appropriate.

 

the email she sent you. which i believe gives us the facts you left out, that email, puts her side "on record".

 

write one back. pretend to be calm and reasonable. spell out what you want.

 

this is called a settlement agreement. once you settle, which means fight spit argue and smack them, you sign it, it's legal.

 

make sure your lawyer adds, when the children come to visit me, from wherever, 5 times a year, my ex wife has to pay the air fare.

 

when i file my taxes, i claim my orphans and you should have that in writing. my ex provides the health insurance.

 

good luck

Edited February 17, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[R.Gant]

no child support and no alimony.

plus 50/50 custody.

 

SEAL THE DEAL & SEAL THE DEAL!

 

get lawyers to sign it on both ends!

 

no child support and no alimony, plus 50/50 custody. and your in canada.

cant get a better deal than that.

 

why did not she have lawyers on her side? (i think its a farce, an agreement without a lawyer on both sides can be made invalid by court.)

 

make sure the agreement is fool proof every i dotted every period clear.

make sure it cant be challenged ever!

[Kinl]

no child support and no alimony.

plus 50/50 custody.

 

SEAL THE DEAL & SEAL THE DEAL!

 

get lawyers to sign it on both ends!

 

no child support and no alimony, plus 50/50 custody. and your in canada.

cant get a better deal than that.

 

why did not she have lawyers on her side? (i think its a farce, an agreement without a lawyer on both sides can be made invalid by court.)

 

make sure the agreement is fool proof every i dotted every period clear.

make sure it cant be challenged ever!

 

She didn't bring her lawyer because she didn't think I'd agree and didn't want to pay for his time. She basically just wanted to present the documents and if I agreed have our lawyers sign them.

 

I just don't know if it's really a good deal. I feel like I need to fight fire something.

[Kinl]

however,

 

your child is a sibbling to their child.

 

read it again.

 

get your **** together before they start using that card. "our baby needs his sibbling". "our baby should be with his intact family".

 

I didn't think about that. The baby will be his half-sibling. They will probably be important to each other. I didn't even think about them using that card to get majority or full custody. They probably will later on, when it's here.

 

But SHE is the one who said neither of us can move outside the city/25 minutes out. Her boyfriend lives 4.5 hours away. So unless he's planning to leave the military and move down, they can't live together. He's a armoured soldier and we only have two bases for that, the other across the country.

[RRM321]

It's unlikely you will escape child support, at least not in the long run. Child support is based on incomes and the needs of the child. If your agreement does not meet the established standards the court will impose what it thinks is required to raise the child. Later modifications are also possible.

 

The court will not allow you to send your child to an impoverished household 50% of the time. They will require that support follow the child to where it is needed.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think you should agree to everything on the table. It all sounds totally fair....and I do not think you will get more. Trying...will cost more money....and it could backfire and you get less.

 

Remember this....everything you limit for her...she will in turn limit for you. So...if you ever want to take your son on a vacation far from home...she will say no if you say no.

 

She sounds happy....and it sounds like he will treat your son well. That's important.

 

Did you get a paternity test done to make sure he is indeed yours?

[SSJROMANCE]

We met today. She showed up with her boyfriend of course. When I got there he started his act. He got out of the car, came to my car when I was getting out and tried to shake my hand. He gave me some sort of hate/death/intimidation stare. Then went back to his car and opened the door for my ex. He kissed her when she got out and walked her into the building, arm around her.

 

When we got to the meeting room he kissed her again and let her go in. He stayed outside. When we left the room he kissed her AGAIN and hugged her for an eternity. I walked away and he called my name. He tried to shake my hand again. I just turned around and walked away. It was clearly all an act. He's either trying to look like the good guy, get under my skin or show off to her - or all of the above.

 

We didn't agree on anything. She came to the table with:

 

-50/50 custody

 

-3-3-4-4 schedule (she gets 3 days, I get 3 days, she gets 4 days, I get 4 days)

 

-Work the schedule so she has him the 2nd and 4th friday of the month (not hard)

 

-I get a full week in July, she gets a full week in August (alternate each year if I want)

 

-My family cannot ask for him on her days (they like to take him for a few hours every now and then)

 

-She gets Mother's Day, I get Father's Day, regardless of schedule

 

-We do his birthday together

 

-Split holidays in half (she gets Christmas eve and Christmas morning, I get the rest of Christmas and all Boxing Day; then back to regular schedule; alternate days every year)

 

-She pays insurance ($200/year) and daycare ($1200/month); I pay sports

 

-Prescription costs fall on the parent who has the child when they get the prescription (unless he has a chronic condition, then split)

 

-Each parent provides the necessary things for their home (clothing, toys, diapers, hygiene supplies, etc.)

 

-No child support or spousal support on either end

 

-He needs to stay at the same daycare, doctor and dentist

 

-She'll send breast milk with him

 

-Various safety things (like carseats, etc.) that I agreed to

 

-Neither parent can move outside the city or surrounding area (about 25 minutes out of the city for surrounding area)

 

-No taking him out of the city without telling the other parent (other parent has no control over it, just needs to be notified)

 

-No taking him out of the province/country without written permission

 

She asked if there was anything I wanted to add or preferred. I wouldn't agree to it though. I think I should try and get more time. She said the offer is on the table still. She didn't care at all about my lawyer being there, hers was not.

 

She said she wants to take him to Quebec City for her 4 days (date not decided) (about 900*Km/560 miles). She actually said "we", so it would be her and her boyfriend.

 

I still think I should fight for more time. Or make it so she can't take him farther than 200km out of the city (her boyfriend lives 360km away). That's far enough to go to her family and activities. My lawyer was there and sat in the meeting. He said what she's offering is "fair" agreement and I should add things I want them. He said a judge could offer less, probably not more unless I have significant evidence. He said she's being "reasonable".

 

The act her boyfriend put on is pathetic. It's a good thing my lawyer was there or I would have punched him in the face. Acting like the good guy and a gentleman, when he's clearly not that at all.

 

 

Two things. The only things I would be worried about is what is NOT listed. Otherwise she doesn't sound like she is being unreasonable. Second - this might all be a ploy to make you forget about testing to see if this is actually your son. That MUST be part of the agreement before you sign ANYTHING.

[Kinl]

It's unlikely you will escape child support, at least not in the long run. Child support is based on incomes and the needs of the child. If your agreement does not meet the established standards the court will impose what it thinks is required to raise the child. Later modifications are also possible.

 

The court will not allow you to send your child to an impoverished household 50% of the time. They will require that support follow the child to where it is needed.

 

Confirmed by my lawyer, if we have 50/50/custody the only thing that is split is child expenses unless agreed otherwise. We both make enough to live comfortably.

 

I think you should agree to everything on the table. It all sounds totally fair....and I do not think you will get more. Trying...will cost more money....and it could backfire and you get less.

 

Remember this....everything you limit for her...she will in turn limit for you. So...if you ever want to take your son on a vacation far from home...she will say no if you say no.

 

She sounds happy....and it sounds like he will treat your son well. That's important.

 

Did you get a paternity test done to make sure he is indeed yours?

 

Yes, I had a paternity test done.

 

I feel like I'm just walking away with my tail between my legs.

 

What's really bugging me is that my son was there. He stayed in another room and played with my mom while we went over things. When we came out and called my mom to come out he ran up to her boyfriend, not me or even my ex. Her boyfriend. And wanted up.

[Kinl]

Two things. The only things I would be worried about is what is NOT listed. Otherwise she doesn't sound like she is being unreasonable. Second - this might all be a ploy to make you forget about testing to see if this is actually your son. That MUST be part of the agreement before you sign ANYTHING.

 

I had a paternity test done, the results take a while. It is based on if he is my son or not. If he isn't I walk away or fight for custody anyway. He's been living as my son so it is possible to get custody.

 

There is no reason for her to lie. All she gets out of the deal is less time with him. I do have to wait for the results but I don't have doubts that he's mine.

[TX-SC]

I would accept the agreement as-is but make sure she gets paternity testing on both children. Then move on with your life.

[RRM321]

It's good to see you are negotiating, and thinking about how to care for your son. That is really the only thing you should focus on.

 

I can't however, support you in the condemnation of his mother or even the other man. No one here is a saint but, no one believes this woman wanders around looking to get pregnant. It's the men in her life that pursue her for sex, fail to make meaningful long term commitments, and when the unwanted pregnancy occurs, react from a sense of obligation rather than genuine love and care. I think you have far more in common with the other man than you are willing to admit. Like it or not, it appears he is about to become a fixture in your son's life so, when you are ready it is in your best interest to know and be able to interact with this person who will have a future influence on your child.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I would accept the agreement as-is but make sure she gets paternity testing on both children. Then move on with your life.

What if the kids are both his? That would throw a big monkey wrench! OP are you actually going to go ahead with the paternity tests?

[SSJROMANCE]

It's good to see you are negotiating, and thinking about how to care for your son. That is really the only thing you should focus on.

 

I can't however, support you in the condemnation of his mother or even the other man. No one here is a saint but, no one believes this woman wanders around looking to get pregnant. It's the men in her life that pursue her for sex, fail to make meaningful long term commitments, and when the unwanted pregnancy occurs, react from a sense of obligation rather than genuine love and care. I think you have far more in common with the other man than you are willing to admit. Like it or not, it appears he is about to become a fixture in your son's life so, when you are ready it is in your best interest to know and be able to interact with this person who will have a future influence on your child.

 

 

Let me add that if and when he finds the woman of his dreams he may look back and say this was the best thing that ever happened to me. Otherwise I would have never met my "new" wife and I would have been stuck in a bad marriage.

[Chi townD]

It's good to see you are negotiating, and thinking about how to care for your son. That is really the only thing you should focus on.

 

I can't however, support you in the condemnation of his mother or even the other man. No one here is a saint but, no one believes this woman wanders around looking to get pregnant. It's the men in her life that pursue her for sex, fail to make meaningful long term commitments, and when the unwanted pregnancy occurs, react from a sense of obligation rather than genuine love and care. I think you have far more in common with the other man than you are willing to admit. Like it or not, it appears he is about to become a fixture in your son's life so, when you are ready it is in your best interest to know and be able to interact with this person who will have a future influence on your child.

 

 

I think you need to go back and re-read this thread. The OP says that his Ex admitted that this pregnancy was planned.

 

 

But, I agree that he needs to focus on him and how he can be the best Dad he can to that kid. Because, I have a feeling that this DR (OM) wants to push him out of that role.

[Chi townD]

OP! What did your lawyer say about the deal? Always go with what your lawyer tells you. Personally, and I hate to say it, it sounds like a good deal to me and you need to get that in writing. I think that she's giving you a damn sweet deal because she knows she did you wrong and it's guilt that is driving her to do it. But, if you screw around on this, she might retract her deal.

 

 

So, get it in writing pretty quick.

[ChickiePops]

No, we won't. To me a unit means you tackle things together. When my son is with her, I'm not going to go over and help her. When she gets dumped and is raising 2 kids I'm not going to go over and help her. Just like she won't be coming to my house to help me.

 

So you're abandoning your son?

 

If not..you're still a unit. You're both equally his parents. You have to present a united front to him.