Is she cheating; pregnant by another man?

[CarrieT]

Her offer is VERY reasonable.

 

The only negotiation I might suggest is that when he is finally in school, you switch to a week-on/week-off exchange.

 

It will be hard for the child to go back-and-forth to two different houses in the middle of a school week.

 

My husband has this with his children; we drop the kids off to school on a Friday morning and their Mom picks them up. She gets them for the week until the following Friday when the reverse occurs.

 

Even at teenagers now, the kids hate the split but understand why it has to be. Summers are entirely re-negotiated for longer blocks - two and three weeks - to allow for longer vacations. They also flip the schedules during their spring breaks so that no one parent gets Halloween every year, etc.

[William]

Due to the number of moderated members posting here, we suggest any respondents read back twenty or so posts from this bookmark in order to view posts which were approved this morning. Thanks!

[Kinl]

What if the kids are both his? That would throw a big monkey wrench! OP are you actually going to go ahead with the paternity tests?

 

I had a test done on my son, she'll be having one done around 16 weeks. If both kids are mine I'll be there for both of them. It would be kind of funny. I don't think her boyfriend would be happy. Since they planned and tried for a baby.

 

Let me add that if and when he finds the woman of his dreams he may look back and say this was the best thing that ever happened to me. Otherwise I would have never met my "new" wife and I would have been stuck in a bad marriage.

 

I can hope.

 

OP! What did your lawyer say about the deal? Always go with what your lawyer tells you. Personally, and I hate to say it, it sounds like a good deal to me and you need to get that in writing. I think that she's giving you a damn sweet deal because she knows she did you wrong and it's guilt that is driving her to do it. But, if you screw around on this, she might retract her deal.

 

 

So, get it in writing pretty quick.

 

My lawyer says it's a good deal and that she seems like a very reasonable person. In the meeting she said she's being reasonable because she's a nice, fair person. Not because of anything she did. My lawyer said to go for it because courts could easily offer less. Judges always prefer when you take care of it yourself.

 

Her offer is VERY reasonable.

 

The only negotiation I might suggest is that when he is finally in school, you switch to a week-on/week-off exchange.

 

It will be hard for the child to go back-and-forth to two different houses in the middle of a school week.

 

My husband has this with his children; we drop the kids off to school on a Friday morning and their Mom picks them up. She gets them for the week until the following Friday when the reverse occurs.

 

Even at teenagers now, the kids hate the split but understand why it has to be. Summers are entirely re-negotiated for longer blocks - two and three weeks - to allow for longer vacations. They also flip the schedules during their spring breaks so that no one parent gets Halloween every year, etc.

 

There was a clause that we revise the schedule when he's in school.

[Chi townD]

So you're abandoning your son?

 

If not..you're still a unit. You're both equally his parents. You have to present a united front to him.

 

 

 

I don't think that he's abandoning his son. I think what he's saying is that she threw him away and don't expect him to come running when SHE (not his son) has a problem. I mean, let's face it the other guy isn't going to be around. So, if the sump pump goes out or something needs to be repaired, she can't depend on him anymore. She made her choice. Therefore, he needs to get on with his life and not be tied to her.

 

 

At least, that's how I read it.

[Kinl]

I don't think that he's abandoning his son. I think what he's saying is that she threw him away and don't expect him to come running when SHE (not his son) has a problem. I mean, let's face it the other guy isn't going to be around. So, if the sump pump goes out or something needs to be repaired, she can't depend on him anymore. She made her choice. Therefore, he needs to get on with his life and not be tied to her.

 

 

At least, that's how I read it.

 

Yes, exactly. Her boyfriend is never going to be around. It sounds like he'd only be there every other weekend at most. And that's how it will be forever unless he gets out of the army.

 

If my son needs me, I'll be there. If she needs me, I won't. If she's too sick to look after him I'll go get him, but won't stay there with her. If the something goes wrong with the house she can figure it out or call someone, I won't be there. If she needs help moving something, I won't be there. If it's something for my son, like a bed, I'll help.

[Sassy Girl]

The only thing I'd change in that agreement is Christmas.

 

Alternate each year who gets Christmas Eve/morning ... Trusted me... Once he's older, Christmas morning is your favourite part of the year- hands down.

 

Otherwise, very fair. Take it.

[ShatteredLady]

Hey! Will you just confirm for us that this isn't the boyfriend who used to abuse her? He's NOT the one who raped her, is he?

 

Don't worry about your son running to him. It doesn't mean ANYTHING. I promise. You're his Dad. Little kids occasionally get excited about 'new', maybe he was promised ice cream after, whatever! If he'd hurt himself he would of been pushing away & screaming for mummy or daddy.

 

Our kids are very huggy with a couple of big, loud friends we have. It's meaningless.

[Ladyjane14]

Confirmed by my lawyer, if we have 50/50/custody the only thing that is split is child expenses unless agreed otherwise. We both make enough to live comfortably.

 

 

 

Yes, I had a paternity test done.

I feel like I'm just walking away with my tail between my legs.

 

What's really bugging me is that my son was there. He stayed in another room and played with my mom while we went over things. When we came out and called my mom to come out he ran up to her boyfriend, not me or even my ex. Her boyfriend. And wanted up.

 

What you need is a different perspective. Rather than thinking about this woman as your "ex", start thinking of her as your "baby-momma". Sounds derogatory, so maybe you won't actually use those words out loud. But once you've demoted her to a person of lesser importance in your life, I think you'll start feeling a good bit less victimized.

 

You did a good job at the meeting, taking your attorney with you, and avoiding what I'm pretty sure was a deliberate provocation what with all the PDA right in front of you. They were likely hoping you'd give them an excuse for a restraining order. Good on you that you didn't.

 

Now, the next step is to change the way you view this person. Look at her as a vessel that helped to bring your son into the world and a permanent, part-time babysitter. On the days when your son is with her.. get out and have some fun. You're a free man again. Date much hotter women, get out and enjoy some activities with friends. ENJOY your life. It'll drive her nuts.

[66Charger]

As someone who was in a similar situation (no pregnancy), I have to agree.. sign it. But get the Christmas dates reversed every other year. Regulate her to your babys mother and thats it. I have had 50/50 custody since my daughter was 3. Almost no communication with the X other than things related to my daughter. It worked very well. (And yes she regreted her choice, but that door was shut) Now that she is older, she is pretty much Dads girl.

 

I would also have it writing, that no one, other than you or his mother, is to discipline your child in any way. And thats for life. Let no man call your chuld, son. And as soon as you sign, start the schedule right away. Take him. He is yours.

[ChickiePops]

Yes, exactly. Her boyfriend is never going to be around. It sounds like he'd only be there every other weekend at most. And that's how it will be forever unless he gets out of the army.

 

If my son needs me, I'll be there. If she needs me, I won't. If she's too sick to look after him I'll go get him, but won't stay there with her. If the something goes wrong with the house she can figure it out or call someone, I won't be there. If she needs help moving something, I won't be there. If it's something for my son, like a bed, I'll help.

 

Good. But what about your revenge plot? If you ruin her life, you potentially ruin your sons too. That is more what I'm referring to. You really, really need to be a grown up and be civil to her and be able to talk calmly and rationally about your son.

 

That's what I mean by a united front. Parents are always a unit.

[R.Gant]

Good. But what about your revenge plot? If you ruin her life, you potentially ruin your sons too. That is more what I'm referring to. You really, really need to be a grown up and be civil to her and be able to talk calmly and rationally about your son.

 

That's what I mean by a united front. Parents are always a unit.

 

empathy? the person is in JFO.

 

emotions are high, and words are said. it sometimes takes a year or two before that, then eventually things will calm down.

 

what i could suggest is for him to go to counseling.

[ChickiePops]

empathy? the person is in JFO.

 

emotions are high, and words are said. it sometimes takes a year or two before that, then eventually things will calm down.

 

what i could suggest is for him to go to counseling.

 

There's a child involved. He doesn't get to be selfish.

[Kinl]

Hey! Will you just confirm for us that this isn't the boyfriend who used to abuse her? He's NOT the one who raped her, is he?

 

Don't worry about your son running to him. It doesn't mean ANYTHING. I promise. You're his Dad. Little kids occasionally get excited about 'new', maybe he was promised ice cream after, whatever! If he'd hurt himself he would of been pushing away & screaming for mummy or daddy.

 

Our kids are very huggy with a couple of big, loud friends we have. It's meaningless.

 

No, he is not the one who use to abuse her. She was in that [the abusive] relationship for 4 years. Then she ended it and started a relationship with this guy a week later. They had a thing (flirting, went to movies/dinner, held hands) about 6 months before the other relationship ended. History repeats itself?

 

The thing with my son is he has only ever done that to me, my ex and my mom. After he's around someone enough he'll go to them, but that's only if they come over and after about an hour or two. He's too young to be bribed, he doesn't even know the meaning of a treat or new toy.

 

I know I should be happy, it means my son likes him and he's good to him. But I don't want to feel replaced or that my son thinks he's better too.

[Kinl]

The only thing I'd change in that agreement is Christmas.

 

Alternate each year who gets Christmas Eve/morning ... Trusted me... Once he's older, Christmas morning is your favourite part of the year- hands down.

 

Otherwise, very fair. Take it.

 

The agreement included switching each year. However my family has boxing day traditions so I may have to compromise so he can be there.

 

What you need is a different perspective. Rather than thinking about this woman as your "ex", start thinking of her as your "baby-momma". Sounds derogatory, so maybe you won't actually use those words out loud. But once you've demoted her to a person of lesser importance in your life, I think you'll start feeling a good bit less victimized.

 

You did a good job at the meeting, taking your attorney with you, and avoiding what I'm pretty sure was a deliberate provocation what with all the PDA right in front of you. They were likely hoping you'd give them an excuse for a restraining order. Good on you that you didn't.

 

Now, the next step is to change the way you view this person. Look at her as a vessel that helped to bring your son into the world and a permanent, part-time babysitter. On the days when your son is with her.. get out and have some fun. You're a free man again. Date much hotter women, get out and enjoy some activities with friends. ENJOY your life. It'll drive her nuts.

 

That's a good point. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. It might not matter as much to me if I only thought of her as a vessel. Easier said than done.

 

See, that's where I get a bit confused. There was a lot of PDA. She's a very touchy, affectionate person. At one point he kissed her and she pulled back a bit and shook her head no a tiny bit and mouthed something. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

 

As someone who was in a similar situation (no pregnancy), I have to agree.. sign it. But get the Christmas dates reversed every other year. Regulate her to your babys mother and thats it. I have had 50/50 custody since my daughter was 3. Almost no communication with the X other than things related to my daughter. It worked very well. (And yes she regreted her choice, but that door was shut) Now that she is older, she is pretty much Dads girl.

 

I would also have it writing, that no one, other than you or his mother, is to discipline your child in any way. And thats for life. Let no man call your chuld, son. And as soon as you sign, start the schedule right away. Take him. He is yours.

 

We agreed that we would have no communication unless it was about our son. I did ask my lawyer about discipline and he said that one isn't enforceable, if she has a new husband the courts want him to be a father figure. But if she doesn't know that I can try and put it in. I don't want my son calling him dad.

 

As soon as I sign we agreed to start a gradual switch to the schedule. The issue is, he is still breastfed. He wants to often through the day, though less if she isn't around, and all night. He's fallen asleep without her 3x in his life and it was brutal. So for him, I can't take him away from her suddenly.

 

We agreed on me having him for a full day then dropping him off at night for a few days. Then trying a night. I'll get more daytime hours with him for a while. If he can't handle being away from her at night we'll have to figure something else out.

[wmacbride]

She doesn't even know about it but she can try. She doesn't know the girl. There is nothing she can do. "He cheated on me when I was sleeping with another dude and got knocked up" doesn't have a lot to it.

 

But I know who she cheated with. And if he really is going to stay in her life I can make them miserable. I can make sure everyone I know knows who she really is. He is in the military, there is probably some rule against this crap that he can be busted for.

 

You've got a hot head, but there are some things you should know.

 

You keep bringing up the fact that he is in the military. There is no rule that states that a guy in the military can't be seeing a woman who has a boyfriend. That makes no sense.

 

If you filter out all the anger and emotional lens of what you write, what it sounds like happened is this.

 

she and her ex broke up, and some time after that, she started seeing you, She got pregnant You both resent that because if ti weren't for your child you likely wouldn't be together now. You have both cheated, and she probably knows about your online dalliances.

 

I would highly suggest you both walk away as far and as fast from each other as you can. you are abusing each other emotionally, and that is not okay.

[Ladyjane14]

The agreement included switching each year. However my family has boxing day traditions so I may have to compromise so he can be there.

 

 

 

That's a good point. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. It might not matter as much to me if I only thought of her as a vessel. Easier said than done.

 

See, that's where I get a bit confused. There was a lot of PDA. She's a very touchy, affectionate person. At one point he kissed her and she pulled back a bit and shook her head no a tiny bit and mouthed something. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

 

 

 

We agreed that we would have no communication unless it was about our son. I did ask my lawyer about discipline and he said that one isn't enforceable, if she has a new husband the courts want him to be a father figure. But if she doesn't know that I can try and put it in. I don't want my son calling him dad.

 

As soon as I sign we agreed to start a gradual switch to the schedule. The issue is, he is still breastfed. He wants to often through the day, though less if she isn't around, and all night. He's fallen asleep without her 3x in his life and it was brutal. So for him, I can't take him away from her suddenly.

 

We agreed on me having him for a full day then dropping him off at night for a few days. Then trying a night. I'll get more daytime hours with him for a while. If he can't handle being away from her at night we'll have to figure something else out.

 

It's not easy to change the way you view someone, but it WILL help you to feel less victimized.. and that's where all the pain comes from.

 

In terms of your son's breastfeeding, he's old enough to be weaned. Believe me. My kids are adults... and they survived weaning just fine. Your son is using the boob for a pacifier at this point, so he'll fuss about it for a few days, and then you'll move on to new routines.

 

Baby-momma has lied to you for 16 months. Why would you believe any malarkey she tells you now?... particularly when it puts you in the one-down parenting position because you don't lactate?

[Kinl]

It's not easy to change the way you view someone, but it WILL help you to feel less victimized.. and that's where all the pain comes from.

 

In terms of your son's breastfeeding, he's old enough to be weaned. Believe me. My kids are adults... and they survived weaning just fine. Your son is using the boob for a pacifier at this point, so he'll fuss about it for a few days, and then you'll move on to new routines.

 

Baby-momma has lied to you for 16 months. Why would you believe any malarkey she tells you now?... particularly when it puts you in the one-down parenting position because you don't lactate?

 

He isn't going to be weaned anytime soon. The minimum recommended age in my country and worldwide is 2 and as long after that as you wish. It does still have benefits.

 

No judge will tell a woman to stop breastfeeding. At least not here. I don't care about taking breastmilk with him and giving that to him during the day. I know it's still good for him. He'll probably only take it first thing in the morning, right before bed and it he's thirsty at night.

 

My son is sick right now, for the first time in his life. He doesn't really want to eat anything but he'll sit on the boob all day. So he's still getting the nutrients that he needs.

 

The night weaning is a whole other issue. She has tried every method out there. He will not night wean. He's still up every 2 hours, shes exhausted. We even hired a sleep consultant, didn't help. She has spent nights crying because she is so tired, trust me we/she tried everything.

 

I could easily lie to her and say the night went great and no he can stay with me. She won't know. I don't know if I will or not. On one hand I get my son and she thinks he sleeps great for me. On the other hand, he sleeps terribly if at all and she's miserable because he won't sleep for her but will for me.

[Kinl]

You've got a hot head, but there are some things you should know.

 

You keep bringing up the fact that he is in the military. There is no rule that states that a guy in the military can't be seeing a woman who has a boyfriend. That makes no sense.

 

If you filter out all the anger and emotional lens of what you write, what it sounds like happened is this.

 

she and her ex broke up, and some time after that, she started seeing you, She got pregnant You both resent that because if ti weren't for your child you likely wouldn't be together now. You have both cheated, and she probably knows about your online dalliances.

 

I would highly suggest you both walk away as far and as fast from each other as you can. you are abusing each other emotionally, and that is not okay.

 

Here's the emotionless what happened.

 

She dated a guy for just shy of 4 years (grade 7-10ish) he was abusive and raped her. She was best friends with her new bf, lets call him Jim, from toddlerhood. The last 6 months of her relationship her and Jim got really close and flirted, went to movies and dinners. She broke up with her boyfriend and started dating Jim a week later. They dated for 10 months, in that time conceived a child but miscarried and were very upset. Jim broke up with her because he joined the military and didn't want her to live that lifestyle. They stayed close friends for a year then he moved to a base in another province and she moved the other direction to a different province. They kept talking. We started dating 5 months after she moved here, he stopped talking to her when she told him about me. We didn't have sex, oral or touching for 16 months because she "wasn't ready". They had no contact. Somewhere along the line he moved to a base 4.5 hours from us. We had our planned son and he started talking to her again. Cheating started. And here we are.

[66Charger]

My daughter was the same way, breastfeeding and her mom was exhausted to the point of tears after 1 year. We made a agreement for the mom to go back east for a week. It was hell for 2 days but, as bad as it may seem, hunger took over and she accepted the bottle with tears. I remember those days vividly. After the 4th or 5th day, it was ok. When her mom returned (refreshed), she went for a booby snack and was denied. That was it.

 

It will be hard, but thats what you have to do along with a host of other things. Its not rocket science. Irregardless of the other drama, you are a single parent. Its going to be tough, but as he grows, it gets easier.

 

Until they become teenagers.

 

Flip the switch. Next time you meet, ignore the fool. Show her that you really don't care about her and him, just your son. What she did was dirt. Planning a pregnancy with another? Twice? However whats done is done. Be better than she is and will ever be. Stand your ground as a father. Forget the relationship. Agree and tackle being a Dad 100% enjoy it (?) and in a year or 2, YOU, will be a different man.

Edited February 18, 2016 by 66Charger

[soleilesquire]

Be better than she is and will ever be. Stand your ground as a father. Forget the relationship. Agree and tackle being a Dad 100% enjoy it (?) and in a year or 2, YOU, will be a different man.

 

I love this. She betrayed you. She is still betraying you.

 

Your son is who matters.

[Kinl]

My daughter was the same way, breastfeeding and her mom was exhausted to the point of tears after 1 year. We made a agreement for the mom to go back east for a week. It was hell for 2 days but, as bad as it may seem, hunger took over and she accepted the bottle with tears. I remember those days vividly. After the 4th or 5th day, it was ok. When her mom returned (refreshed), she went for a booby snack and was denied. That was it.

 

It will be hard, but thats what you have to do along with a host of other things. Its not rocket science. Irregardless of the other drama, you are a single parent. Its going to be tough, but as he grows, it gets easier.

 

Until they become teenagers.

 

Flip the switch. Next time you meet, ignore the fool. Show her that you really don't care about her and him, just your son. What she did was dirt. Planning a pregnancy with another? Twice? However whats done is done. Be better than she is and will ever be. Stand your ground as a father. Forget the relationship. Agree and tackle being a Dad 100% enjoy it (?) and in a year or 2, YOU, will be a different man.

 

We actually tried that and it was brutal. She wasn't gone but lived in the in-law suite in our basement for 6 days. She never came up when our son was awake or made a peep. He asked for her the entire time. During the day he was mostly fine but did want boob in the morning and before bed, or when he got hurt. But night was brutal every night. He'd scream bloody murder, hyperventilating for 5 hours. Then fall asleep for an hour and be up for 5 more hours. And repeat. It was terrible. He was falling asleep standing up during the day.

 

Honestly if he's like that when I have him and there is no improvement I may have to take him back to my ex at night and get him in the morning. Neither him nor I can deal with that.

 

I don't know how either of them thought it was okay planning a pregnancy WHILE she was still with me. It doesn't make sense. She's not a stupid person, she's got 3 bachelors and almost done a masters at Canada's best university. The only two things I can come up with are...

 

-He pressured her into it hoping it would make her leave me.

-He's getting deployed or sent to another base and they won't be able to make a baby for quite a while.

 

Luckily, I won't have to see him often.

[wmacbride]

Its worth a shot. My lawyer said its a long shot as well, unless I have evidence that she's an unfit mother. If she did this then I'm sure she's done other stuff.

 

She's using the stance that she didn't break up with me because she was scared of me. And that she's still completely against cheating. I have never laid my hand on her and never would.

 

I can pull things from her past if I have too. If I can't get full custody I might be able to get majority custody. Like 60/40 or 80/20.

 

She's trying to look like the good guy by trying to settle "fair" and out of court. Thus far she hasn't said anything that could be considered rude or mean. Trying to look like the bigger person.

 

He is only 1.5 so he isn't in school and won't be until he's 4. The problem is, you can only go to the school that's in your school district. So we're going to have to live in the same neighborhood if we do 50/50. If one patent holds majority only they have to be in the school district.

 

A voice recorder is a good idea. I haven't talked to her yet though, only through text or email. But if my lawyer isn't around its a good thing to have.

 

We're going to go ahead with the meeting today. I've talked to my lawyer and he said he would meet us there. She doesn't know that he'll be there. Hopefully going to the gym before the meeting will release some anger.

 

Forget about the voice recorder and stay off her computer.

Both those things are borderline illegal in Canada, especially if her computer has a password or or protected files.

 

Your hacking will only hurt you.

 

The laws re:voice recording can be different in different provinces, as can family law. Pay attention to what your lawyers says, and don't cherry pick what you want to hear.

[wmacbride]

I didn't think about that. The baby will be his half-sibling. They will probably be important to each other. I didn't even think about them using that card to get majority or full custody. They probably will later on, when it's here.

 

But SHE is the one who said neither of us can move outside the city/25 minutes out. Her boyfriend lives 4.5 hours away. So unless he's planning to leave the military and move down, they can't live together. He's a armoured soldier and we only have two bases for that, the other across the country.

 

It doesn't matter what your trade is. You can be posted anywhere, and ask fro postings in specific places, if you have good reason. He can also rmuster in a different trade.

 

My spouse is RCCS. We have been posted at many different bases, even if they have no squadron or it is not a base for his trade.

 

I know you are hurting and understand the need to get back at her, but stop looking at the short term, Look at the long term and what is best for your son. What feels good to you right now can come back to bite you in the ass in years to come.

[Kinl]

It doesn't matter what your trade is. You can be posted anywhere, and ask fro postings in specific places, if you have good reason. He can also rmuster in a different trade.

 

My spouse is RCCS. We have been posted at many different bases, even if they have no squadron or it is not a base for his trade.

 

I know you are hurting and understand the need to get back at her, but stop looking at the short term, Look at the long term and what is best for your son. What feels good to you right now can come back to bite you in the ass in years to come.

 

Great. No wonder they want to get married soon. Wanting to transfer to be closer to your wife and kid probably is a good reason.

[Sassy Girl]

It's not easy to change the way you view someone, but it WILL help you to feel less victimized.. and that's where all the pain comes from.

 

In terms of your son's breastfeeding, he's old enough to be weaned. Believe me. My kids are adults... and they survived weaning just fine. Your son is using the boob for a pacifier at this point, so he'll fuss about it for a few days, and then you'll move on to new routines.

 

Baby-momma has lied to you for 16 months. Why would you believe any malarkey she tells you now?... particularly when it puts you in the one-down parenting position because you don't lactate?

 

This is bad advice. Parental agreements are about what's best for the child. Right now it's best if he is breastfed and has access to his mother. Studies show there are MANY benefits to breastfeeding besides nutrition. and op is right, no judge will condone weaning to give a father more access before 2.

 

OP I think you're doing really well and are being very mature about this. It's clear you want what's best for your son.