Is she cheating; pregnant by another man?

[AMJ]

After reading what you wrote about her here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/569189-normal-do-i-not-love-her-anymore

 

I'm actually just happy for her. I hope that she finally finds happiness in her life. Her letter to you about not helping with the baby? That's not a small thing.

 

My best friend left the father of their child for exactly the same reason. He wanted to continue to party with his friends and play video games instead of spend time with their baby girl. How did that play out? Well, I helped her pack up and move her and her daughter 7 hours south to be with her parents. That was five years ago. The courts could have cared less about his desire to stay in his hometown, they told him to find a job close to his daughter. He lives in her hometown and has absolutely no life there. No friends, no girlfriend. I actually feel bad for him, but he didn't treat her nearly as bad as you've treated your ex.

 

And if you only have to pay for "sports"- no daycare costs- are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how lucky that is? Unless "sports" is something different in Canada...but you're talking about signing him up for soccer league someday? It looks like she's agreed to pay the bulk of childcare expenses. I have no idea why she'd be okay with that, but you should consider yourself lucky to get 50% custody and be required to pay almost nothing to stay in your son's life.

 

Now my friend's daughter's father only gets to see her one night a week, and one weekend per month. Her daughter is 6 and she hates spending time with her father. She says that he pays no attention to her on their nights together and just stares at his phone the whole time. Pretty soon she will be old enough to where a judge will let her decide how much time daddy gets to see her.

 

So for all of the advice people have been telling you about thinking about your son first- instead of revenge on your ex- they are absolutely 100% correct. From your other post and this one, it really sounds like you have little to no relationship with your baby son, and like he is an afterthought for you in this entire situation. I already feel so bad for this little boy. Just like I feel bad for my best friend's daughter, watching her be torn like a pawn between two grownups who act like children and use her to fight with each other. It's a terrible thing to do to a child.

[Ladyjane14]

This is bad advice. Parental agreements are about what's best for the child. Right now it's best if he is breastfed and has access to his mother. Studies show there are MANY benefits to breastfeeding besides nutrition. and op is right, no judge will condone weaning to give a father more access before 2.

 

OP I think you're doing really well and are being very mature about this. It's clear you want what's best for your son.

 

Most of the benefits of breastfeeding are in the first six weeks after birth. The benefits now are quite small in comparison to trading off the father-son bond in a single-parent scenario and leaving the OP in the one-down parent position. Now, I'll grant you that a judge probably wouldn't order it. But the OP is in a persuasive position right now, since his cheating baby-momma wants to wrap things up quickly.

 

It's emotional manipulation for her to play the lactation card. Kids need their dads too. So, it's not punitive for him to create a singular bond between him and his son that doesn't involve the mother. Sooner is better than later.

[elaine567]

But the OP is in a persuasive position right now, since his cheating baby-momma wants to wrap things up quickly.

 

 

You seem to keep forgetting about the cheating baby-daddy too... the op is no angel.

He was cheating long before he realized his wife was cheating. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/569189-normal-do-i-not-love-her-anymore

[Ladyjane14]

You seem to keep forgetting about the cheating baby-daddy too... the op is no angel.

He was cheating long before he realized his wife was cheating. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/569189-normal-do-i-not-love-her-anymore

 

I'm not forgetting anything. The OP didn't get himself deliberately impregnate himself with someone else's child. While I'd agree that you don't get yourself into a cyber-cheating situation, there's something to be said for being cast adrift by a partner who has withdrawn her affection. He might not have know why at the time, but he was certainly in a position to miss the relational bond that should have been in place.

 

Frankly, his intuition has proved correct. The girlfriend was never committed to the relationship. And maybe it's just me, but I see a guy who's been sorely abused. He's doing remarkably well, IMO, all things considered.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Most of the benefits of breastfeeding are in the first six weeks after birth. The benefits now are quite small in comparison to trading off the father-son bond in a single-parent scenario and leaving the OP in the one-down parent position. Now, I'll grant you that a judge probably wouldn't order it. But the OP is in a persuasive position right now, since his cheating baby-momma wants to wrap things up quickly.

 

It's emotional manipulation for her to play the lactation card. Kids need their dads too. So, it's not punitive for him to create a singular bond between him and his son that doesn't involve the mother. Sooner is better than later.

 

 

This is not a breastfeeding thread...but you have argued about it quite a bit.

I breastfed both of my children. I was an active member of La Leche League. Neither of my children would take a bottle or a pacifier. I did baby led weaning....which is allowing the child to nurse until they decided they no longer wanted to. My son was 17 months old....my daughter was 20 months old...when they stopped nursing.

 

 

I don't believe that this woman is using nursing her child to manipulate her boyfriend. I believe she is doing exactly what I did...nursing her child because she believes that is what is best for him.

 

This relationship is toxic...and this young man and this young woman have made a whole lot of mistakes. the best thing that can happen is for them to go their separate ways....and that is exactly what they are doing. They have legal advice....they are doing it the right way. Their lawyers can fight out the details. The two of them both love their son....and i think they have done a pretty good job so far in dividing things so that the little boy receives love and nurturing from both parents.... Exactly what he needs.

 

Breast feeding is not the guilty party....it is also not the demise of this couple.

[Ladyjane14]

This is not a breastfeeding thread...but you have argued about it quite a bit.

I breastfed both of my children. I was an active member of La Leche League. Neither of my children would take a bottle or a pacifier. I did baby led weaning....which is allowing the child to nurse until they decided they no longer wanted to. My son was 17 months old....my daughter was 20 months old...when they stopped nursing.

 

 

I don't believe that this woman is using nursing her child to manipulate her boyfriend. I believe she is doing exactly what I did...nursing her child because she believes that is what is best for him.

 

This relationship is toxic...and this young man and this young woman have made a whole lot of mistakes. the best thing that can happen is for them to go their separate ways....and that is exactly what they are doing. They have legal advice....they are doing it the right way. Their lawyers can fight out the details. The two of them both love their son....and i think they have done a pretty good job so far in dividing things so that the little boy receives love and nurturing from both parents.... Exactly what he needs.

 

Breast feeding is not the guilty party....it is also not the demise of this couple.

 

Don't mistake me as anti-breast... I nursed my own children. But I'm not an advocate of breast-feeding at the cost of the father relationship. If this couple is splitting up, the OP needs to establish himself as a capable single-parent right away. Putting it off leaves him one-down, as if his value as a parent isn't equal. Dads are just as important as moms. That bond is invaluable.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why do you think she is breast feeding at the cost of the father son relationship? Where has he ever said that she kept him from his son? Or that she is even TRYING to keep him from his son?

 

It sounds pretty 50 50 to me.

 

Don't get me wrong...I have no dog in this fight. They both have royally screwed up as far as I am concerned. The only ones I have ANY sympathy for are the two babies.

[Ladyjane14]

Why do you think she is breast feeding at the cost of the father son relationship? Where has he ever said that she kept him from his son? Or that she is even TRYING to keep him from his son?

 

It sounds pretty 50 50 to me.

 

Don't get me wrong...I have no dog in this fight. They both have royally screwed up as far as I am concerned. The only ones I have ANY sympathy for are the two babies.

 

It's not 50/50... not when the mom is asserting herself as primary right up to the point of food.

 

I just think that dads need to get right up in there and establish themselves when they're separating. Putting it off leaves them in "weekend dad" status. The father bond is JUST as important as the mother bond in the long run. Best to establish it now.

[MJJean]

This child is already two years old. He is capable of obtaining complete nutrition via food and drink. His mother is pregnant and exhausted. The child cannot sleep through the night nor can he even hurt himself as toddlers do without screaming for the boob. By continuing to breast feed, especially multiple times a night, she is not only depleting herself needlessly, she is damaging the father-child bond. The father is effectively being cut out because he doesn't have a breast to offer.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I read his list that they both agreed to....it looked 50/50 to me

 

She can pump and send breast milk to give the baby in a cup when he has him...guess what...he can dump it down the drain.

 

That's the way 50/50 works...one parent ...usually the mother is custodial parent. But while the other parent has the baby...he calls the shots.

 

Anyway...like i said...I feel sorry for the baby...neither one of them appears to be ready to be a parent.....and now there will be two babies.

[Ladyjane14]

Why do you think she is breast feeding at the cost of the father son relationship? Where has he ever said that she kept him from his son? Or that she is even TRYING to keep him from his son?

 

It sounds pretty 50 50 to me.

 

Don't get me wrong...I have no dog in this fight. They both have royally screwed up as far as I am concerned. The only ones I have ANY sympathy for are the two babies.

 

Well, that's where you and I differ, I suppose. I've got sympathy for this OP, who thought he had a family thing going on. I'm just not getting bogged down in the breast-feeding issue. I actually think he's getting janked up on it and needs to assert his paternal bond, which is JUST as authentic and important as the breast milk.

[AMJ]

Well, that's where you and I differ, I suppose. I've got sympathy for this OP, who thought he had a family thing going on. I'm just not getting bogged down in the breast-feeding issue. I actually think he's getting janked up on it and needs to assert his paternal bond, which is JUST as authentic and important as the breast milk.

 

OP was not at all involved with this baby. Read his other post that people have linked several times in this thread. Mom was doing all of the work, and he was irritated because she was exhausted and not horny. She kept offering him sex "multiple times per day" despite being sleep deprived, hormonal, exhausted, and OP rejects her sexually on a regular basis. Because she's "not into it".

 

I asked him twice what he actually does to care for this baby, and he hasn't replied. She goes to school 2x week and is up all night feeding this baby, and cares for the baby when she's not in school. He is out partying with his friends- so it says in her letter. And from reading his first post about her, I'm sure she's not lying.

 

Anyway, he may have "thought he had a family thing going on" but the truth is he has no idea what raising a baby is about.

[Mrs. John Adams]

this^^^^^^^^^^yup

[RRM321]

Read his other post that people have linked several times in this thread.

 

Wow. Just, wow. I read it.

 

I stand by my original post. The woman is in better hands now.

[Kinl]

This child is already two years old. He is capable of obtaining complete nutrition via food and drink. His mother is pregnant and exhausted. The child cannot sleep through the night nor can he even hurt himself as toddlers do without screaming for the boob. By continuing to breast feed, especially multiple times a night, she is not only depleting herself needlessly, she is damaging the father-child bond. The father is effectively being cut out because he doesn't have a breast to offer.

 

He is not 2. He is 1.5. He just turned 18 months. This thread is not about anti-breastfeeding. She is a good mother, she really is. And she will do what she thinks is best for our son. So will I. He is not ready to wean, end of breastfeeding story. I'm his father and I see him everyday. I know that he is not ready. That's HIS comfort and that's okay.

 

I am the one who said I may have to take him back to her at night and pick him up first thing in the morning. Because that is what's best for him. I'd love to have him all night, but not if he's miserable. You really think that will help the father son bond?

 

All the decisions that she makes for our son, I support. She believes in extended breastfeeding, I'm in. She believes in cosleeping, I'm in. She believes in cloth diapers, I'm in. She believes in elimination communication, I'm in. She believes in BLW, Im in. She believes in extended rearfacing, I'm in he'll be backwards until he's 5. She believes in vaccinations, I'm in. So far, none of those decisions have caused harm. Instead I have a very happy, healthy, safe, independent, smart, potty trained 18 month old.

 

She is a good mother and knows what is best for him. Whether she is a good partner is a different story. Not for me, obviously.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This child is already two years old. He is capable of obtaining complete nutrition via food and drink. His mother is pregnant and exhausted. The child cannot sleep through the night nor can he even hurt himself as toddlers do without screaming for the boob. By continuing to breast feed, especially multiple times a night, she is not only depleting herself needlessly, she is damaging the father-child bond. The father is effectively being cut out because he doesn't have a breast to offer.

 

Chances are...in reality...the mother has very little milk left...especially since she is pregnant. The child eats food....you make less milk...he wants his momma arms....the boob is his pacifier....he isn't hungry. I am quite sure he is drinking from a cup.....there is no pediatrician around that would allow this child to be totally breast fed at his age....because it would not be enough nutrition. She may be exhausted from lack of sleep....but not from producing milk.

[wmacbride]

OP,

If you don't mind one more piece of advice, you might want to be more careful in the specific information you give out about yourself and your situation that could be used to identify you. Based on what you say, it could be really easy to figure out who all the people are in your situtaion.

 

I know that right now it may not seem like it matters, but looking forward, do you really want your dirty laundry aired in public to such a wide audience?

 

Another thing that may not matter much now, but in the future it might. You can claim the money spent on fees for your childcare's extra circulars, such as the fees for joining a hockey team, on your taxes as a credit. same for medication expenses.

 

One more point. You might want to look into the possibility of there being a support group for betrayed spouses/ significant others. If there is one, it can help to talk to real people who have been in a similar place to your own.

[Chi townD]

Wow...just wow. This guy just got his life turned upside down and inside out and he's hurt and angry. To which we made him realize what he was doing and to get a grip, which he has been doing and has been open to EVERYONE'S suggestions and advice.

 

 

[]

 

 

This is his first kid and he's not even two years old. OF COURSE HE'S NOT GOING TO BE FATHER OF THE YEAR!! Being a new parent does have a learning curve. It seems that they're young and he has to learn to bond better.

 

[]

Edited February 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Content characterizing other post(ers) redacted

[soleilesquire]

He is not 2. He is 1.5. He just turned 18 months. This thread is not about anti-breastfeeding. She is a good mother, she really is. And she will do what she thinks is best for our son. So will I. He is not ready to wean, end of breastfeeding story. I'm his father and I see him everyday. I know that he is not ready. That's HIS comfort and that's okay.

 

I am the one who said I may have to take him back to her at night and pick him up first thing in the morning. Because that is what's best for him. I'd love to have him all night, but not if he's miserable. You really think that will help the father son bond?

 

All the decisions that she makes for our son, I support. She believes in extended breastfeeding, I'm in. She believes in cosleeping, I'm in. She believes in cloth diapers, I'm in. She believes in elimination communication, I'm in. She believes in BLW, Im in. She believes in extended rearfacing, I'm in he'll be backwards until he's 5. She believes in vaccinations, I'm in. So far, none of those decisions have caused harm. Instead I have a very happy, healthy, safe, independent, smart, potty trained 18 month old.

 

She is a good mother and knows what is best for him. Whether she is a good partner is a different story. Not for me, obviously.

 

I think this post puts to rest what kind of father you can be. It sounds like you two are on the same page.