Do You Know Anyone Like This?

[ms. frustrated]

Help! I'm going crazy! I am in love with a guy seems so right in so many ways, but I can't figure him out, and don't know whether or not I should work with him or move on. We met over 2 years ago, and began dating. After only a couple of months, things didn't work out (I got frustrated because he gave me mixed messages, and I didn't feel as special as other men I've dated have made me feel). We eventually got together as friends, with phone calls and sporadic get togethers for two years (nothing romantic).

 

Over two months ago he began pursuing me again and we took things to the next level, (romantic/sexual after a month of dating). I started feeling the same frustrations (not being pursued/getting together frequently; once a week), and him not expressing any feelings for me verbally. When I finally confronted him last week, he said that he was extremely cautious, and did not get emotionally involved for a long time. In his experience, people were on their best behavior for a year, and then the agendas start coming out. I asked him why he just didn't ask about my goals, etc., personal questions, and he replied that he got his information by observation and what he heard. I decided that I could not be sexually involved with him because I got too emotionally attached. He said that was OK, and if things got "serious" we could perhaps go there some time in the future. Now he calls, and still wants to get together, but I still have all of these feelings for him. I don't know if I'm wasting my time, or if he really does just need LOTS of time. I've never been with a man who, once we became sexual, did not want to see me/be with me as much as possible. Can anyone else relate to this?

[Tony T]

I'm a straight guy so I can tell you right off the bat I've never dated a guy like this...or any other guy for that matter...but I will give you some insight anyway. I'm sure the ladies will chime in when "Sleepless In Seattle" is over.

 

Your guy comes from an emotionally repressive family where emotions were not displayed openly. He probably came from a broken home and has severe abandonment issues. He doesn't get too close to people too quickly out of fear they will leave him.

 

I'd bet lots of money the guy is extremely sensitive with very deep feelings but you'll probably never see that side of him because of the fear he has. He'd probably be a pretty good catch for you. However, there would be a lot of things you seem to need that you would have to do without until he felt extremely comfortable.

 

So check it out. Find out what kind of family he had. Find out if his parents divorced when he was little...or if one of his parents died. I think if you delve into his younger days you will find a lot of horrendous pain.

 

Most people don't take the time to do stuff like this. They would just figure the guy's a jerk and move on. But he's not a jerk, he's just been severely damaged by some bad breaks in life.

 

My bet is that he brings on the very abandonment he fears by being the way he is. But by holding back and not getting too close or showing too much emotion, he puts a distance between himself and others to minimize the pain when they get pissed and leave. It's one of those vicious circles. But, even so, he's be devasted beyond imagination if you dumped him...but would probably not ever let you know.

 

It will take a very bright lady to take the time to figure him out and kick him in the ass and get him on a new program. But when that happens, it'll be worth her while because she'll have a very fine man whose values have been refined and who's personality has been humbled by the rigors of a tough life.

 

Go see if I'm right.

[ms. frustrated]

Are you a therapist? I really liked what you had to say. It's what I'd like to believe. Otherwise, when I ask other people, (friends/family), it's usually responses such as, "He's not going to change...", "It sounds like he's a commitment-phobe", or "He wants everything on his terms"..."You deserve better". Actually, I've had my own issues in life, and I'VE been the one to end relationships (parents divorced when 13, non-expressive parents, etc.). This guy just feels so right for me, that I'd love to have an intimate, passionate, and commited relationship with him; we have so much in common. I am also commited to personal growth and learning to effectively communicate, (any books you recommend?).

 

My question is......do I keep telling him how much I enjoy him? Can I tell him I love him, or will that scare him off? It seems that the more I want, the less I get back- the more I pull away, the more he pursues. How can I keep him coming back for more, get him to trust me, and let him know I'm interested without seeming needy or smothering? This is like walking a tightrope! Also, we are both late 30's, so it's not as if this is "just another relationship", in my opinion. I've been with enough partners to know that he is what I want! Thank you so much for your help!

I'm a straight guy so I can tell you right off the bat I've never dated a guy like this...or any other guy for that matter...but I will give you some insight anyway. I'm sure the ladies will chime in when "Sleepless In Seattle" is over. Your guy comes from an emotionally repressive family where emotions were not displayed openly. He probably came from a broken home and has severe abandonment issues. He doesn't get too close to people too quickly out of fear they will leave him. I'd bet lots of money the guy is extremely sensitive with very deep feelings but you'll probably never see that side of him because of the fear he has. He'd probably be a pretty good catch for you. However, there would be a lot of things you seem to need that you would have to do without until he felt extremely comfortable. So check it out. Find out what kind of family he had. Find out if his parents divorced when he was little...or if one of his parents died. I think if you delve into his younger days you will find a lot of horrendous pain. Most people don't take the time to do stuff like this. They would just figure the guy's a jerk and move on. But he's not a jerk, he's just been severely damaged by some bad breaks in life.

 

My bet is that he brings on the very abandonment he fears by being the way he is. But by holding back and not getting too close or showing too much emotion, he puts a distance between himself and others to minimize the pain when they get pissed and leave. It's one of those vicious circles. But, even so, he's be devasted beyond imagination if you dumped him...but would probably not ever let you know. It will take a very bright lady to take the time to figure him out and kick him in the ass and get him on a new program. But when that happens, it'll be worth her while because she'll have a very fine man whose values have been refined and who's personality has been humbled by the rigors of a tough life. Go see if I'm right.

[Tony T]

Following is a link which was just put up in the last hour or so that deals in some fashion with your question here. Just cut and paste it into your browser:

 

http://www.msnbc.com/news/552603.asp

 

It's no accident that you are attracted to someone who comes from a similar background as yourself. Since you have stated your ages, I can also tell you that he has probably been let down a lot in love because of his fear and inability to deal with it.

 

At this point, you have to do what works for you...unfortunately. If pulling back seems to do the trick, then that's what you'll have to do. If you had not come from the background you did, you probably wouldn't tolerate the situation.

 

It's not likely he'll seek counselling for his problem. If he does, it could take a while to handle.

 

There are many books on committment phobia, codependents and problems originating in dysfunctional families. In a bookstore, anything by John Bradshaw would be good. Or you can just enter codependency in your search engine to find lots of information. Any good bookstore will have loads on the subject in the psychology or relationship section.

 

The decision on all this rests totally with you.

[Laurynn]

I strongly sense that this guy has been in a relationship in the past, where he was very emotionally attached, and ended up getting hurt. You know the saying, "once bit, twice shy"? I think that could apply here.

 

Any guy who thinks that a couple has to wait one year til they are 'serious' about each other, that is a guy to avoid. He sounds to me, like he's got some major issues...issues with trust, vulnerability, commitment, fear of being hurt, etc.

 

He's known you now for over 2 years. That is plenty of time, IMHO, for him to know what kind of person you are.....and if he doesn't know enough by now, to decide whether or not he can 'let go' and become emotionally involved/attached, I doubt he ever will. He's obviously had issues for a long time now.

 

I too would be hurt if a guy I was dating, never took any effort in getting to know me. I was with a guy like this and it was very hurtful and frustrating. He never asked me about my career, my childhood, my favorite kind of ice cream, what my dreams in life were, my favorite song, nothing. I on the other hand, am the type of person (I think most people are) that when I care for someone and I want a serious relationship with them, I absolutely love getting to know them.......finding out what makes them 'tick'.....every little nuance, every little quirk, what means most to them, etc etc.

 

Yes, as he said, you can learn a fair bit by observing someone, but you can't learn it all.

 

He sounds like someone you should just not waste your heart and time with. I'd suggest that you just remain friends, but you clearly have stronger feelings for him, and I don't see how it's realistic for you to decrease your feelings.

 

I suggest you find a good man who doesn't have so many deep seated issues. This guy is only going to cause you ongoing frustration, stress and possibly a lot of hurt.

 

Take care,

 

Laurynn