reino4 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 In a nutshell, divorced 3 years ago, 1st serious girlfriend after cheated on me. We broke up (obviously). Dated a little. Current serious girlfriend come to learn, she divorced her first husband after he cheated on her with 2 neighbors. She cheated on last serious boyfriend (one night stand allegedly) because he ignored her. She would lay next to him in bed while he slept and sext other guys. So when I learned all of this I started having these issues with jealousy that I had never had before. Obviously because of how my last serious relationship ended. She travels a lot for biz. And at one point she told me she used to have all these boy toys around the country. But this was "in the past". But again my mind goes into overdrive when she goes out of town. I know she still texts some of these guys because they're "just friends" now. But then she also tells me that some of these guys have cheated on their wives. And most of her friends have cheated. How do you reconcile that?? Your (her) marriage broke up because her husband cheated on her, but then she cheated on her last boyfriend and is friends with people who have or are actively cheating on their spouses...? Then the other day she mentions how some guys asked her for more "boob pics" and she said no because she's in a relationship with me. She's saying this as a way to let me know how much she cares about me. "I don't send boob pics to guys anymore", So all week I'm thinking she is still carrying on relationships (messaging, texting, seeing...I don't know) with guys she has sent boob pics to. So today I tell her I have been having a problem with that and her answer was that it wasn't even guys she dated.........?!? So it's her friends,? She says she knew that saying that would be worse. So why tell me?????!!!???? She thinks talking to her friend, who's a guy, about his and his wife's sex life is ok. I would never think to ask a female friend about sex positions, toys, etc she uses with her husband. And if I somehow thought it Id never act upon it. My therapist says The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Dammit, I love her so much. But these trust issue are getting out of hand. Am I just being naive? Is this normal? I am, as always I guess, clueless. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 She is trouble. Save yourself years of anguish and hurt and downgrade her. Remember you're just dating (and not even for a long time) you're not married. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Your therapist is absolutely correct. Save yourself a lot of pain. She is a player and an exhibitionist. Do you really need to have a bowling ball fall on your head to wake up? Denial is not a river in Egypt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 snip Dammit, *I love her so much. But these trust issue are getting out of hand. Am I just being naive? Is this normal? I am, as always I guess, clueless. It doesn't sound like love to me. It sounds like a dysfunctional attachment. Spend some time contemplating the differences between loving, wanting, craving and needing. Its important to understand those differences. Those things are (somewhat) related, but they're not different words for the same thing. Really reflect on that. It will help you to understand yourself (and others) better. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reino4 Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 To clarify, we have been living together for about 9 months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Run. Don't look back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 She is not invested in your relationship. If she was she would stop all this nonsense she is doing with these other guys. She has issues. Could be self esteem needs validation from other guys and perhaps boundary issues. If she doesn't "hear" your concerns and agrees then it's going to be a rough and bumpy ride. 'My therapist says The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.". For all those folks out there who say "the past is the past it doesn't matter what she did in the past" please read that statement by the therapist about a million times or until you finally figure it out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 You posted a little over an hour ago. If you're still with her you are moving way too slow. Finish that coffee and get it in gear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Let's put the cheating thing aside and start with this: Do you want to live with someone who makes a point every day to tell you how many other men she's messed with and how many are still pursuing her? Do you see any time where the base topic of discussion in this relationship will be you instead of these other men? She's desensitizing you so that cheating won't seem like such a big deal when it suddenly turns up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author reino4 Posted February 11, 2016 Author Share Posted February 11, 2016 When I try to talk about these things her response is always "these things were in the past, and it's just wasted energy worrying about things that can't be changed". And she's "not going to fall into that trap, it's my problem". Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 They are in the past.....but you live in the present. If you have issues with these things.....it is now part of the present. You have to decide if you can live with it. Unfortunately....no one else can tell you what the right answer is for you. Do you have a trusted friend...or a parent you could discuss this with? Maybe get their input since they know her? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) When I try to talk about these things her response is always "these things were in the past, and it's just wasted energy worrying about things that can't be changed". And she's "not going to fall into that trap, it's my problem". They are not in the past if she is still connected to it ....and them. She needs to make it in the past 100% - finished done disconnected buried. While not exactly like your case, I married a woman who if I knew her relationships would have dumped her while dating. But I was married to her already and kids where in play or about to be in play so I made a choice to work on it and her. You not married and no kid issues. At a minimum - you lay down boundaries to stay in the relationship and also have a discussion of what you would need from her to move forward. Understand that discussing your boundaries and needs is not the same as demanding things or placing blame. Example - I demand you dump all these connections and texts! You do this because I say so! Your a bad person for doing this ! Instead - "If you continue to stay in contact with these guys, I will feel unloved and will have to move on, its just wrong for me" However OP - I will be honest and recommend you just end things. This will eat at you for years - even if she does not officially cheat on you. Edited February 11, 2016 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Oh Jesus man, no! Just NO! Get away from all of that drama. There are so many good girls out there who don't cheat. Why chooseone that likely will??? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Dammit, I love her so much. But these trust issue are getting out of hand. Am I just being naive? Is this normal? I am, as always I guess, clueless. I don't think she's cheating on you. I also don't think your're "right" and she's "wrong" as I know a number of people that live very connected lifestyles with much back and forth interaction - some of which is edgy - with the opposite sex. I do know such a relationship wouldn't work for me, guess I'm not a 21st century fast-lane kind of guy. So the very simple question becomes "would a relationship with a woman connected to all these other men work for you"??? Based on your post, I'd guess you already know the answer is "no"... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 It might be just me..but I find this texting of body parts rather immature. Where these ALL guys she dated? Or just hook ups? I can understand how you feel..at the very least I'd expect her to cut these guys loose. I think she's a high cheat risk with these guys and with her attitude. If she loves you and she's committed to you...She'll drop cut these guys from her life no question. Just tell her it bothers you and for you to know that you matter to her..you expect her to severe contact. If not.... then you'll know how seriously you want to take the relationship. I view revenge affairs a little different..but her casual manner and collection of ex guys all over the place would be more of a worry Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Please save yourself some trouble. Do not marry her. Ask to see her texts to and from her guys. transparency, trust and communication is important. If she is not transparent, then have her go away. You will be in more pain than you are now. Link to post Share on other sites
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