Author BrownHairedGuy Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Bigman1 - hell of a pep talk and i needed that. The past few weeks have been tough and i'm slowly getting better with each week. Really, the hardest part is getting over how she could just throw away our 6 years together like it was nothing. Chi townD - she worked at the hospital but was in school to become a NP. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Bigman1 - hell of a pep talk and i needed that. The past few weeks have been tough and i'm slowly getting better with each week. Really, the hardest part is getting over how she could just throw away our 6 years together like it was nothing. Chi townD - she worked at the hospital but was in school to become a NP. Does she still currently work there? Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Chi townD - she worked at the hospital but was in school to become a NP. She may very well be using the guy, or they are using each other but, ultimately her ambition and conscience conflict - and you can guess which one she honors. This wound hurts but, you've dodged a much bigger bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrownHairedGuy Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Chi townD - yes she still currently works there as does he. I've been told that people are starting to catch wind of what happened (that we're getting a divorce). Quite a few nurses were catching on that their "friendship" was a little more than what she said it was a couple of months ago. I don't think she's trying to advance her career at all, just fell head over heels for this guy. An email was already sent in to the hospital HR dept about him going after a married woman during working hours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Chi townD - yes she still currently works there as does he. I've been told that people are starting to catch wind of what happened (that we're getting a divorce). Quite a few nurses were catching on that their "friendship" was a little more than what she said it was a couple of months ago. I don't think she's trying to advance her career at all, just fell head over heels for this guy. An email was already sent in to the hospital HR dept about him going after a married woman during working hours. Good, this asshat shouldn't get a free pass for screwing up life and steal your wife. I would follow up on this and see if they have opened up an official investigation. Call them. Inform them that you are consulting a lawyer. This was happening on hospital grounds and this "relationship" was garnered during working hours. Make things hard for them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrownHairedGuy Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 A part of me wants to do that, and a part of me just wants to move on with my life and not waste any more energy than i have to dealing with her and that stupid ****ing prick. If they stay together then good, at some point one or the other or both will cheat and they will have wasted some years together. Or they just don't work out. Either way, that relationship will never have 100% trust behind it. As much as i want to **** up his life for putting so much hurt into mine, I just don't think he's worth my time. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Your mad that she didn't take any money or assets when she left? That's a new one... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 A part of me wants to do that, and a part of me just wants to move on with my life and not waste any more energy than i have to dealing with her and that stupid ****ing prick. If they stay together then good, at some point one or the other or both will cheat and they will have wasted some years together. Or they just don't work out. Either way, that relationship will never have 100% trust behind it. As much as i want to **** up his life for putting so much hurt into mine, I just don't think he's worth my time. Hmmm.... The way I see it you can still get on with your life. But, this douche rocket is making six figures and you were supporting your wife with her dreams of becoming a Nurse practitioner and making almost six figures if not into the low six figures while you were supporting her through her studies and now this guy gets to reap your benefits. What about following your dreams? Your desires? She used you because as soon as she got her NP, you were no longer needed. Nah, no way I would give this guy or her a free pass. I would still talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are. Hell, she might just owe you alimony for the time you were supporting her through school. You never know. So, talk to a lawyer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrownHairedGuy Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 The money for her schooling was coming out of our joint account. We were making around the same money. She still has a year and a half of school left. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 A part of me wants to do that, and a part of me just wants to move on with my life and not waste any more energy than i have to dealing with her and that stupid ****ing prick. If they stay together then good, at some point one or the other or both will cheat and they will have wasted some years together. Or they just don't work out. Either way, that relationship will never have 100% trust behind it. As much as i want to **** up his life for putting so much hurt into mine, I just don't think he's worth my time. He's not worth your time. You have to keep doing what YOU need to do---things that benefit YOU. Mark it down as a learning experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I don't know, dude. It's up to you. If you don't want to do anything, then that's your choice. Personally, you were wronged and if it was me, I would blow their little fantasy out of the water. If it were me, I know it wouldn't hurt just to talk to a lawyer and see if they are liable to you. And if it were me, I would follow up with the hospitals HR department and see where they are in their investigation. And if it were me, I would expose them for what they truly are. But, that's just me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Hi, been there too. You need to start to get clear to heal. I am copying a great post from this site to read. Moderator's note: Pursuant to a member request, moderation, subject to a decision by our head moderator, has conditionally pinned this topic for member reading and topical posting. As this is an informational thread, not a discussion thread, informational postings, as such already submitted, will be allowed and members are cautioned, when using external links, to make sure they comply with our commercial advertising/external linking guidelines. When citing external content, members are requested to post topical content, not to exceed 250 words, when linking externally to provide attribution. I'll leave the thread open for posting for now. If I find non-compliant content to proliferate, I'll close it and invite members to submit content to moderation for approval. Thanks. There continue to be more and more arrivals to our LS section on Divorce and Separation. Often, I find myself technically challenged when it comes to citing links, or just general recall sometimes. As well, I many times repeat my reading advice to posters. As a contributor to this section, I thought it might be useful to us and our newcomers to get all of our reading materials in one place, rather than citing and re-citing. Perhaps others will join me in posting helpful relevant material and cites -- on this new thread I am trying to begin. Can some please post the most current "No Contact" draft that is available so it will come up in the second post of the thread? Theefore, please of our find our most popular reference below: THE 180's: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Here is the link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce I've read more then a few posts on the 180 on a few sites. This one I consider to be a gold standard on the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I don't think the 180 is going to work for him considering that she's already out of the house and has a "ruse" of an apartment (but she's actually staying with the OM). He's better off just doing No Contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrownHairedGuy Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 (edited) Yaaa, my wife was pretty much checked out, she fell pretty hard for this guy and was sneaking off to see him every chance she got. At first said she wanted to work on us while still going over to his house behind my back. Then she said she needed space and got an apartment behind my back and had some things for her new apartment shipped to the doctors house. Her plan was either to live without me so she could continue to see where her relationship with the doctor went and have me as Plan B in case it didn't work out. Or know that she didn't want to be married to me but didn't want to go through a divorce during her hardest semester of school so did things her way to string me along to keep me from filing for divorce. Either way, i found out how selfish she was and how she handles issues (and how her family handles issues) and it's not someone i want to be married to. I need a teammate, not an adversary that runs away when the going gets tough. Doesn't communicate with me any problems (if any, i think she made stuff up to justify her actions) she has with our marriage, starts cheating on me, blames me for things, and then instead of trying to work through things as a couple or being an adult and telling me she wants a divorce, she just runs away with the help of her family and gets an apartment behind my back all while telling me she still has faith in our marriage but is sleeping over at the doctor's house. Edited February 16, 2016 by BrownHairedGuy Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Chi townD - yes she still currently works there as does he. I've been told that people are starting to catch wind of what happened (that we're getting a divorce). Quite a few nurses were catching on that their "friendship" was a little more than what she said it was a couple of months ago. I don't think she's trying to advance her career at all, just fell head over heels for this guy. An email was already sent in to the hospital HR dept about him going after a married woman during working hours. If that email was from a BH it will carry weight specially when the BH asks what is the employer going to do to end this work place affair. When the email of from an anonymous source most likely the employer will not take action. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Yaaa, my wife was pretty much checked out, she fell pretty hard for this guy and was sneaking off to see him every chance she got. At first said she wanted to work on us while still going over to his house behind my back. Then she said she needed space and got an apartment behind my back and had some things for her new apartment shipped to the doctors house. Her plan was either to live without me so she could continue to see where her relationship with the doctor went and have me as Plan B in case it didn't work out. Or know that she didn't want to be married to me but didn't want to go through a divorce during her hardest semester of school so did things her way to string me along to keep me from filing for divorce. Either way, i found out how selfish she was and how she handles issues (and how her family handles issues) and it's not someone i want to be married to. I need a teammate, not an adversary that runs away when the going gets tough. Doesn't communicate with me any problems (if any, i think she made stuff up to justify her actions) she has with our marriage, starts cheating on me, blames me for things, and then instead of trying to work through things as a couple or being an adult and telling me she wants a divorce, she just runs away with the help of her family and gets an apartment behind my back all while telling me she still has faith in our marriage but is sleeping over at the doctor's house. Dude, I already told you the apartment is a ruse. She's going to maintain the apartment throughout your divorce until it gets finalized because it's going to look bad if she left you and moved directly into this other dudes 5 bedroom lake house. Now, it probably won't matter to the courts because you probably live in a no fault state. But, for the courts, you have to submit your monthly expenditures and she's going to put down that she has rent to pay so it will lessen her chances of having to pay any real alimony. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that if you looked at that apartment lease (and you can request to see it) that it's month to month. And as soon as your divorce is finalized, guess what lease isn't getting renewed! Maybe you could hire a PI to see just how much time she actually spends at this ruse apartment? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gonnadropthemic Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 I wouldn't mess with his job or her schooling and potential career. As much as it's tempting (I've had the same temptations)... just don't do it. For one, karma.. it will get you back ten times worse. My rule of thumb is to never mess with someones job. BUT in these cases... I think of it as case by case. Bc he's a doctor and she's a potential NP...I would NOT mess with their jobs. they are ****ty people, YES, did ****ty things, YES, hurt you, YES... but they did go to school a very long time and have worked hard to get to where they are now. Not saying it's OK to be a cheating scumbag... but sometimes it's best to not go after someones career they worked hard for just bc they are a lying loser. Be the bigger person on that one. Plus, you will just come off as psychotic. I would only say go after the job situation if you two were going to work on your marriage and needed to enforce a no contact policy with the dr. but since shes moved on already- anything you do for revenge or what not will just make you look worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Hi, the 180 is a tool to allow the BS to begin to detach to obtain clarity. Please re-read it. Also please read the link as there are many posts you will find helpful. Brown hair guy, sometimes when a person says it not you, it's me, THEIR RIGHT !!! Use that line to answer people who asks you what happened. Followed with, done is done, so what's new with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 Yaaa, my wife was pretty much checked out, she fell pretty hard for this guy and was sneaking off to see him every chance she got. At first said she wanted to work on us while still going over to his house behind my back. Then she said she needed space and got an apartment behind my back and had some things for her new apartment shipped to the doctors house. Her plan was either to live without me so she could continue to see where her relationship with the doctor went and have me as Plan B in case it didn't work out. Or know that she didn't want to be married to me but didn't want to go through a divorce during her hardest semester of school so did things her way to string me along to keep me from filing for divorce. Either way, i found out how selfish she was and how she handles issues (and how her family handles issues) and it's not someone i want to be married to. I need a teammate, not an adversary that runs away when the going gets tough. Doesn't communicate with me any problems (if any, i think she made stuff up to justify her actions) she has with our marriage, starts cheating on me, blames me for things, and then instead of trying to work through things as a couple or being an adult and telling me she wants a divorce, she just runs away with the help of her family and gets an apartment behind my back all while telling me she still has faith in our marriage but is sleeping over at the doctor's house. This story is heartbreaking! But---You're the ONLY winner here. You fell for her and she used you---but you're not stuck with her. You get a new opportunity to later find a person who deserves you. I was a medical professional for years....those situations rarely end well( he'll probably dump her). Watch out for her coming back and telling you she was confused etc. I got hit on by tons of my colleagues and higher ups...I NEVER even entertained the possibility because I love and respect my husband. There are women who will never cheat and honor their vows. Life gave you a break! You're not stuck with her. You're lucky. HUGS!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 make sure you get tested for stds. So sorry you are here, but glad you are moving on. I do hope you have changed the locks on the house and the other advice on here. Hope your attorney gets everything moving quickly. You deserve better than her. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted February 16, 2016 Share Posted February 16, 2016 This is a story I hate to hear and just stinks. You sound like a strong person and caught on to her antics pretty quick. Still you are going to go through a plethora of emotions and will experience good days and bad days for awhile. There is really no way around it, just know it will happen. Unfortunately, this is all too common of a story in this environment of a young woman falling for this person in a position of authority and they become fixated on them. However better for her to show her true colors now then 20 years down the road. I do have a couple of things to for you to consider: a. If you haven't already done so, open new bank account, change your paycheck to deposit here and divide money. b. Consult with an attorney to determine the next legal step. c. Cease all contact with your STBX. She is no longer your friend, buddy or pal. If she calls, texts or emails, don't answer immediately. Let calls go to voice mail and answer in an hour or so. Only answer questions on legal, financial or property settlement dealing with the divorce. d. If she leaves a nasty message, don't retaliate, she may try to suck you into arguments, don't take the bait, just act as if it doesn't really bother you. e. Exercise can help relieve the stress and makes for a healthier you. f. Invest time in hobbies or start one you have always wanted to try. g. It is a good time to invest in your career or take a class just for fun. h. Volunteer helping those in need, it will do you good and they will appreciate your efforts. i. Invest your time in you and don't waste your time worrying what she is doing in life, make yourself too busy living yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrownHairedGuy Posted February 16, 2016 Author Share Posted February 16, 2016 Oberfeldwebel - thank you for your comment. I am actually already following almost all of your points. I don't really have to worry about her contacting me. Once i told her i was filing for divorce the wheels were in motion and her micro manger mother and lawyer sister (not handling her divorce) took over and are handling everything for since she's never had to deal with adult things in her life. They are taking care of everything and i know her attorney told her not to be in contact with me because of the whole affair thing and he doesn't want her to show that there is truth to these "allegations" for when the time comes to split up assets. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 BHG, It sounds like her family just doesn't think you're right for their lying, cheating princess. I agree with them just not for the same reasons. Glad for you long term man. Your anger will turn to thankfulness at some point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I wouldn't concern yourself too much with the future of her new relationship, even if they do turn out to be that "one in a million" affair couple who actually marries and spends the rest of their lives together at the end of the day their relationship will always be tainted by it's awful foundation. It's like trying to build a lovely home in the middle of Chernobyl, the house might look nice, but that toxic sh*t cloud will always be there surrounding them and there's not enough duct tape in the world to keep it from wafting through the cracks. Their story can never be that beautiful, romantic love story that she dreamed about as a little girl. She'll never admit that fact to anybody least of all herself, but deep down inside she'll know, they all know. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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