Wife was cheating and gave up on our marriage [updated 2016-07-04]

[MJJean]

BHG, do you have any pets? A nice dog or cat to care for, cuddle, and that's happy to see you when you come home might be a big benefit to you mentally and emotionally.

[BrownHairedGuy]

BHG, do you have any pets? A nice dog or cat to care for, cuddle, and that's happy to see you when you come home might be a big benefit to you mentally and emotionally.

 

Thankfully i have a dog who is my best bud. I don't know what i would do if i didn't have him during this time.

[flowergirl14]

Almost exactly one year ago we lost my daughters bf. My daughter and I were talking and she said after the death that she wondered what a year from now (then)would look like? She is doing really well. She still has sadness sometimes and is still processing it but she survived! She has seen some big flaws in the relationship and set new boundaries. She is happy! You will be too!

[happyman64]

HM - I'm hoping the divorce will be final by the end of the month. Part of the reason it's so hard to move on is answering questions and looking at paperwork for the divorce that keeps reminding me of what I'm going through. I'm currently looking into a new job to help me begin a new chapter in my life. I'm hoping as I'm in between jobs I'll have time to hit the road and go somewhere. I've been going to Church every Sunday, and haven't found anywhere to volunteer on the weekends yet. I would like to do habitat for humanity so I can learn new skills, since I have enjoyed remodeling the house I have lived in the past few years. Thank you for taking the time to write on here.

 

I knew you had a plan BHG.

 

No thanks are needed. I have walked in your shoes.

 

Keep moving forward.

 

And let us know how you make out with each step. Do not let the D papers or memories drag you backwards.

 

HM

[happyman64]

Just wondering how you are doing BHG???

[BrownHairedGuy]

Just wondering how you are doing BHG???

 

Hi HM, thank you for checking in, that means a lot to me. I have been doing a lot better lately. I've redecorated a lot of the house to make it look different, and have gotten into a routine to keep myself busy. Here's what I've been doing in case anyone comes across this and is looking for ways to spend their time to keep their mind off things. Monday through Thursday I work 8 - 5 and when i come home I throw the ball for the dog to wear him out, and then cook dinner afterwards. After dinner I have an hour to kill before the gym so i take a walk with the dog and listen to music. Then i go to the gym. On Fridays I've been taking the dog to work and then meeting up with friends for happy hour afterwards at places that allow dogs on patios (thank god for nice weather!). On Saturdays I've been visiting different parks and walking trails around the area, going to museums I've been wanting to go to and never got around to, helping my older neighbors with house/yard projects, working on my own house/yard projects, and going out with friends. On Sundays I go to church, clean the house, and make a meal plan for the week and go to the grocery store. I've also been spending this day making an elaborate meal since i have more time to prepare it, as well as making cookies or a baked good that i can munch on after dinner throughout the week. I've really gotten into cooking and trying new recipes and love spending time in the kitchen making new things and listening to music. I'm also looking into having my dog go through the AKC Canine Good Citizen test (he's my hunting dog and already well trained and obedient) to see if later he could become a therapy dog for a program i could volunteer for. (as you can see I do a lot of things with the dog, he's my buddy and this whole situation would have been a lot harder w/o him around. I love going out and doing things with him, as it makes it so I'm not alone).

 

The divorce seems to be dragging and i have an offer on the table for her to agree or disagree to. This Friday she'll have had it for 2 weeks, so i'm hoping i hear something before then so we can move forward with a court date. Triggers are coming less often (I did have one yesterday due to quite a few couple posts on FB), but the good news is that I'm getting over them a lot faster. Even though what happened is hard to handle sometimes, all the lying, selfishness, and lack of respect for me has really made it easier to move on in my life w/o her. This would be a lot harder if i never knew she cheated and she just one day told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce.

 

I read this somewhere and i relate to it quite a bit (i've changed it a little to fit my own situation) - "When I found out my wife was lying and going over to another man's house behind my back she immediately split into 2 different people. The 1st was MY wife, the one I spent 6 years of my life with, the one who loved me and would have never done anything to hurt me, my partner. The 2nd one looked and sounded exactly like the 1st, but was selfish. The 1st one died, I'm alone, and the mourning I've done is because of the loss of her. The 2nd remained, but this is the one that hurt me. The 2nd is a stranger, a person I do not recognize, and a person I don't want anything to do with."

[Bufo]

Don't worry about the divorce dragging. As I posted elsewhere today about a different situation " the one who cares the least has the most power".

 

You are likely to be divorced from her a long time. A few weeks now makes no difference in the long run. Remember, she is the one running away, not you. So she will become anxious to end the marriage. You don't care as you are successfully moving on with your own life. Sure it's not a great place to be, but do not think sped is a virtue when the D impacts,the rest of,your life.

 

Sorry if I'm lecturing.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Don't worry about the divorce dragging. As I posted elsewhere today about a different situation " the one who cares the least has the most power".

 

You are likely to be divorced from her a long time. A few weeks now makes no difference in the long run. Remember, she is the one running away, not you. So she will become anxious to end the marriage. You don't care as you are successfully moving on with your own life. Sure it's not a great place to be, but do not think sped is a virtue when the D impacts,the rest of,your life.

 

Sorry if I'm lecturing.

 

Bufo - no worries, you don't sound like you're lecturing at all. Just giving advice. I honestly have no idea what she's thinking right now, probably not much since her mom and sister handle pretty much everything in her life and do the thinking for her. I'm just ready to move on with my life and not have to talk or deal with things that have to do with the divorce.

[Cobra_X]

Hi HM, thank you for checking in, that means a lot to me. I have been doing a lot better lately. I've redecorated a lot of the house to make it look different, and have gotten into a routine to keep myself busy. Here's what I've been doing in case anyone comes across this and is looking for ways to spend their

I read this somewhere and i relate to it quite a bit (i've changed it a little to fit my own situation) - "When I found out my wife was lying and going over to another man's house behind my back she immediately split into 2 different people. The 1st was MY wife, the one I spent 6 years of my life with, the one who loved me and would have never done anything to hurt me, my partner. The 2nd one looked and sounded exactly like the 1st, but was selfish. The 1st one died, I'm alone, and the mourning I've done is because of the loss of her. The 2nd remained, but this is the one that hurt me. The 2nd is a stranger, a person I do not recognize, and a person I don't want anything to do with."

 

If it helps then stick with this thinking. However, for me, it was essential to realize that they are both the same woman. I just let my feelings blind me to all the negative things about her. Lying, Cheating, Sneaking around were all things that were within her character. My trust is what made me blind to it, and I rationalized it because that behavior was always directed at other people.

 

I'm sure in time you will come to the same conclusion. It's important because it helps you to learn and not make the same mistake again. There are lots of scandalous women out there... and they hide it well.

[happyman64]

Good update BHG.

 

 

Keep the focus on you. That is all that matters at this time.

 

 

And you are right. She is selfish.

 

 

Be glad you came to this conclusion without any kids in the mix.

 

 

You will find the right lady sometime in your future. One that loves you and likes dogs.

 

 

Stay strong and find your center again.

 

 

HM

[aliveagain]

BHD, you got to keep the faithful, trustworthy, loves you unconditionally, would risk his life for you, mans best friend, dog. She gets a guy that will cheat on her every chance he gets. There is justice, his sh*t should be starting to stink about now. This may be why she's dragging her feet, just keep telling yourself "she's not my problem anymore." Your almost at the other side, no turning back.

[BrownHairedGuy]

HM/Aliveagain - thanks guys! Seriously, this forum has given me so much helpful advice and really helped the healing process. It really is amazing to think back even a month ago and how I felt and how it seemed like my world was crashing around me. Now I hardly think of her or them at all (every now and then I have a moment of sadness but now they only last an hour or so instead of all day or a week. It's nice because that shows me how far I've come). I hate that this is how it ended, but at the same time as others have said I'm one of the lucky ones that had her show her true colors so early in marriage before children. I've really focused on growing as a person and learning from all this, and moving full steam ahead with enjoying and starting my new life.

 

It makes it a lot easier to move on when someone disrespects you so badly and you realize just how much of a selfish person she really is through the divorce process and getting her personal bank account statements and all. Soooo many lies. Seeing transactions at places I told her I wanted to eat at but we never got around to, and looking back through texts and seeing that she was most likely with him since she would tell me she was running errands or what not on that day. Just a lot of messed up stuff. It sucks seeing but it really helps the healing process, realizing the type of person I'm getting out of my life.

Edited March 17, 2016 by BrownHairedGuy

[BrownHairedGuy]

My wife is making me out to be a terrible person in the divorce. Her attorney sent an email asking about the rest of her things that weren't thrown out on the lawn (i didn't throw them on the lawn, i packed them up nicely and dropped them off in front of her AP's garage door when she wasn't getting them in a timely manner). Saying that she had been locked out of the house (i changed the garage code but unless she lost her key she never gave back, the locks have remained unchanged so not true). It pisses me off to think of what she's telling her family and friends. Even though I know that I will never see most of them again, I've always cared about what people thought of me and have always tried to be a good person even to strangers I'll never see again on the street.

 

It makes me mad that the person who is most responsible for the whole mess we're in is not being held accountable for her actions one bit. I'm the one that has to deal with the whole **** show that she left behind and all the money wasted while she sleeps at her AP's house and in her new apartment that mommy and daddy are paying for, a divorce that is being handled by her mother and sister and attorney fees again that are being paid for by mommy and daddy. I know this shouldn't bother me because unlike her, I'm the one writing the checks, dealing with everything by myself, and because of this I'll come out smarter and stronger in life and in my next relationship. While she will learn nothing, and obviously since she jumped right into a relationship (if you can call it that) with her AP pretty much, she hasn't taken the time to look at what went wrong in her last relationship and learn from her mistakes.

[CarrieT]

I'll come out smarter and stronger in life and in my next relationship.

^ ^ ^ Vent away and remember this part, above! ^ ^ ^

[BrownHairedGuy]

^ ^ ^ Vent away and remember this part, above! ^ ^ ^

 

I tell myself that every day! Dealing with the divorce makes it hard to move on, but soon it will be over and I'll be able to go on with creating a better life for myself. I'm already in a much better place than I was 2 months ago when I found out she had been lying to me for 2 months about her "work friend". It's amazing how much you learn about yourself and other things during such an incredibly difficult time.

[ProdigalMe]

Think of it this way, your STBXW loves to be the center of attention. Right now she's getting it from everyone (her AP, her friends, her family, her lawyer, and from you). You want to get some revenge on her? Deprive her of the very thing she craves from you: attention. Ignore her. Ignore her chatter, her bullsh*t, her very existence. There's no kids, so there's really no reason for you to ever interact with her; just deal with her lawyer. The people that are on her side are going to believe all the terrible things she says about you, but who cares about them? If she told them you kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, they'd nod in agreement. The people who are neutral and hear the bad things she says about you are probably smart enough to realize they are getting only half the story, and remain unconvinced.

 

My STBXW is also re-writing history. It's funny, keys to the house and garage doors also figure prominently in my story. She officially moved out on December 30, 2015, but still had a lot of stuff in my apartment. She took about 9 weeks to move everything out. In the 9th week, she accused me of locking her out (but that's bullsh*t, because if the front door is locked, you can still enter through the garage, because she had the garage door opener). Who knows why she dragged this process out? Or why it took her so long to return my keys and garage door opener to me?

 

Here's some more revenge stuff for you. You're already getting your revenge. You are learning and growing from this terrible experience. Your humanity grows while hers shrinks. AP, if he's smart, should be very worried about her lack of growth/insight. And let's glance at the crystal ball for a minute. Her affair could wind up three different ways. It could crash and burn within a year. It could turn into an average LTR (at which point both of them will be re-afflicted with wandering eye disease). Or they could live happily and fabulously ever after (if they do, who cares? you didn't lose out on fabulous; you drop-kicked a lying, low-integrity, poor character POS to the curb).

 

One last thing. The only person in the whole world that needs to know you're a good person is you. If you tell yourself you are a good person, and if that is the truth, then you have the only vote you need to in fact be a good person on this Earth. Ask yourself, does a good person deserve to be married to a lying POS? You already know the answer.

Edited March 22, 2016 by ProdigalMe

[BrownHairedGuy]

Think of it this way, your STBXW loves to be the center of attention. Right now she's getting it from everyone (her AP, her friends, her family, her lawyer, and from you). You want to get some revenge on her? Deprive her of the very thing she craves from you: attention. Ignore her. Ignore her chatter, her bullsh*t, her very existence. There's no kids, so there's really no reason for you to ever interact with her; just deal with her lawyer. The people that are on her side are going to believe all the terrible things she says about you, but who cares about them? If she told them you kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, they'd nod in agreement. The people who are neutral and hear the bad things she says about you are probably smart enough to realize they are getting only half the story, and remain unconvinced.

 

My STBXW is also re-writing history. It's funny, keys to the house and garage doors also figure prominently in my story. She officially moved out on December 30, 2015, but still had a lot of stuff in my apartment. She took about 9 weeks to move everything out. In the 9th week, she accused me of locking her out (but that's bullsh*t, because if the front door is locked, you can still enter through the garage, because she had the garage door opener). Who knows why she dragged this process out? Or why it took her so long to return my keys and garage door opener to me?

 

Here's some more revenge stuff for you. You're already getting your revenge. You are learning and growing from this terrible experience. Your humanity grows while hers shrinks. AP, if he's smart, should be very worried about her lack of growth/insight. And let's glance at the crystal ball for a minute. Her affair could wind up three different ways. It could crash and burn within a year. It could turn into an average LTR (at which point both of them will be re-afflicted with wandering eye disease). Or they could live happily and fabulously ever after (if they do, who cares? you didn't lose out on fabulous; you drop-kicked a lying, low-integrity, poor character POS to the curb).

 

One last thing. The only person in the whole world that needs to know you're a good person is you. If you tell yourself you are a good person, and if that is the truth, then you have the only vote you need to in fact be a good person on this Earth. Ask yourself, does a good person deserve to be married to a lying POS? You already know the answer.

 

Wow, thanks man. Lots of truth to everything you wrote. You're absolutely right. Screw them, the people that know me best know that I was a good husband and am a good person. Those are the people that I care what they think. Any person that believes what she says is not a person I care about having in my life anyways.

[whichwayisup]

I tell myself that every day! Dealing with the divorce makes it hard to move on, but soon it will be over and I'll be able to go on with creating a better life for myself. I'm already in a much better place than I was 2 months ago when I found out she had been lying to me for 2 months about her "work friend". It's amazing how much you learn about yourself and other things during such an incredibly difficult time.

 

She is the one in the wrong, aka she has an affair partner and that's why things are as they are! You did the right thing by kicking her out and packing her stuff, bringing it to her AP's garage.

 

Her friends and family who want to make you out to be the bad guy don't matter. they are HER family and friends not yours.

 

Detach, distance and don't react = you get self respect and power. You win!

[whichwayisup]

Wow, thanks man. Lots of truth to everything you wrote. You're absolutely right. Screw them, the people that know me best know that I was a good husband and am a good person. Those are the people that I care what they think. Any person that believes what she says is not a person I care about having in my life anyways.

 

Yes! This is the kick-ass attitude to have!

 

Your friends and family have YOUR back and they know she messed it all by cheating on you.

[Marc878]

So what? Her parents/friends are as low class as she is. She's a cheater.

 

I could care less what people say or think of me because I and the people that matter know who I am.

 

Others meh, so what.

[66Charger]

Loved the garage dump, bro. Wonder what the AP thought when he got home. No matter what she says, he is male and he knows that she cheated on you with him and her stuff got dumped on his lawn. Symbolic.

 

Bet he had a moment of silence. I wouldn't give it a year

[BrownHairedGuy]

What's kind of funny is that I've done a pretty good job of documenting everything during this whole ordeal. When my attorney replied he attached the picture I took of her stuff neatly packed up and placed in front of his garage. Hmm...doesn't look like your stuff was thrown out on the lawn does it...?

[Marc878]

Loved the garage dump, bro. Wonder what the AP thought when he got home. No matter what she says, he is male and he knows that she cheated on you with him and her stuff got dumped on his lawn. Symbolic.

 

Bet he had a moment of silence. I wouldn't give it a year

 

This is the thing. What did he get?

 

A cheater.

 

If she cheats with you she'll cheat on you or else he will.

 

What have some fun with this go dark. Block her, her family friends on everything. Let them go through your attourney.

Edited March 23, 2016 by Marc878

[KBarletta]

I've always cared about what people thought of me and have always tried to be a good person even to strangers I'll never see again on the street.

 

There are things you can control and things you can't, and you can't control what people think of you. Just like they can't make you feel a certain way without your help.

 

I'd say just concentrate on the things you can control - keep being a good person and let people think what they want. If they think less of you because of this, that's their loss, right?

[bigman1]

Vent on my man. I do have a few points to make.

 

1. Stop caring whether she is learning a lesson or will realize where things went wrong. That is self destructive. Those thoughts come from a place that hopes that she will wake up and come running back to you.

 

2. Let her lie and do all of the painting she wants to do. Think of baseball for minute. She throws a 110 mph fastball. Thing is, she can't get it in the strike zone. After sending the photos, and other documentation, your lawyer should be sending requests for admissions demanding that she admit that those are her things, that they were not on the lawn, etc. Accusations are one thing, but when called upon to swear that something is the truth, well that changes the game. Perjury is one of those things.

 

3. Litigation is nasty. I know. I mean, I REALLY KNOW. Get your mind in the game and play hard and play for keeps. Don't let them goad you into lying, exaggerating, or half truths. That is their plan. Always tell the truth, but then demand that they admit it or provide proof of their claims. If no proof is forthcoming, demand that they admit that they have no independent evidence.

 

4. As far as mommy and daddy paying the bill... Rejoice. Less money for them. Besides, while they may present a unified front to you, behind the scenes, mommy and daddy are getting a bit tired of her crap. TRUST ME. I've seen it so much that it is predictable. Wealthy folks don't like spending their money any more than you. They have more to spend, but they don't get rich by spending foolishly.

 

Eventually, the gravy train stops or they start demanding that she do things in return or the train stops. If she has siblings, they start getting pissed because the money spent is their inheritance and... you get the picture.

 

5. The mind game is what you need to win. Stop comparing yourself to them. You don't know what is going on in her camp. You think you do, but you don't. I hate to sound sexist, so please forgive me, but women know how to make men jealous or feel inadequate. They are masters. Watch the movie "Mean Girls" to get a comical glimpse of mind games. Heck, watch one of those "Real Housewives of ..." to see the games that SOME women play. Totally different level stuff than MANY guys are used to. There is some truth there albeit not directly on point.

 

She's playing a mind game on you. Recognize it. Play back. Be disinterested. Be seen out. You don't have to spend money to go to the mall. Hell, buy some cheap socks from a store and carry the bag around or better yet, carry a gift bag. (you can return it later) ONE beer (only) (keep the receipt in case it comes up) at the pub and jovial conversation while there is not going to break the bank. Bottom line, you gotta LOOK LIKE you are not suffering and matching them dollar for dollar. Mommy, Daddy, and little miss entitled are gonna have a fit. OM is gonna wonder why. Let the internal fights begin. You don't care.

 

The goal is still to divorce, but the plan is to win the mental warfare game along the way.