Wife was cheating and gave up on our marriage [updated 2016-07-04]

[BrownHairedGuy]

Vent on my man. I do have a few points to make.

 

1. Stop caring whether she is learning a lesson or will realize where things went wrong. That is self destructive. Those thoughts come from a place that hopes that she will wake up and come running back to you.

 

2. Let her lie and do all of the painting she wants to do. Think of baseball for minute. She throws a 110 mph fastball. Thing is, she can't get it in the strike zone. After sending the photos, and other documentation, your lawyer should be sending requests for admissions demanding that she admit that those are her things, that they were not on the lawn, etc. Accusations are one thing, but when called upon to swear that something is the truth, well that changes the game. Perjury is one of those things.

 

3. Litigation is nasty. I know. I mean, I REALLY KNOW. Get your mind in the game and play hard and play for keeps. Don't let them goad you into lying, exaggerating, or half truths. That is their plan. Always tell the truth, but then demand that they admit it or provide proof of their claims. If no proof is forthcoming, demand that they admit that they have no independent evidence.

 

4. As far as mommy and daddy paying the bill... Rejoice. Less money for them. Besides, while they may present a unified front to you, behind the scenes, mommy and daddy are getting a bit tired of her crap. TRUST ME. I've seen it so much that it is predictable. Wealthy folks don't like spending their money any more than you. They have more to spend, but they don't get rich by spending foolishly.

 

Eventually, the gravy train stops or they start demanding that she do things in return or the train stops. If she has siblings, they start getting pissed because the money spent is their inheritance and... you get the picture.

 

5. The mind game is what you need to win. Stop comparing yourself to them. You don't know what is going on in her camp. You think you do, but you don't. I hate to sound sexist, so please forgive me, but women know how to make men jealous or feel inadequate. They are masters. Watch the movie "Mean Girls" to get a comical glimpse of mind games. Heck, watch one of those "Real Housewives of ..." to see the games that SOME women play. Totally different level stuff than MANY guys are used to. There is some truth there albeit not directly on point.

 

She's playing a mind game on you. Recognize it. Play back. Be disinterested. Be seen out. You don't have to spend money to go to the mall. Hell, buy some cheap socks from a store and carry the bag around or better yet, carry a gift bag. (you can return it later) ONE beer (only) (keep the receipt in case it comes up) at the pub and jovial conversation while there is not going to break the bank. Bottom line, you gotta LOOK LIKE you are not suffering and matching them dollar for dollar. Mommy, Daddy, and little miss entitled are gonna have a fit. OM is gonna wonder why. Let the internal fights begin. You don't care.

 

The goal is still to divorce, but the plan is to win the mental warfare game along the way.

 

Damn dude, thanks for taking the time to write that.

 

1. I definitely don't want her back, and I'm not dwelling over it. I guess I think it's more ridiculous than anything. I was pissed off the day I wrote that because she's not handling things, meaning her sister and mother keep dragging this out asking for more money she doesn't deserve and costing me more in attorney fees. I'm actually glad she probably won't learn anything and will keep making the same mistakes down the road. Since her parents and sister handled this whole situation horribly i think it would probably be right for them to keep having to deal with her problems down the road since they do nothing to hold her accountable.

 

2. Great idea. I want to avoid court since that would just drag everything out even more. But I should definitely start telling them that if they are going to say things that make me look like a bad person in emails, then they need to start providing proof of these things or shut up about it.

 

3. Yep. I've done nothing but told the truth, provide evidence, provide the right paperwork and exact dollar amounts and dates since the start. I have nothing to hide. Meanwhile, they throw out random numbers they think are close to the right figure because her sister and mother are trying to handle all of this without the help of my wife.

 

4. True.

 

5. True again.

[BrownHairedGuy]

For the past few weeks I've actually been doing really good moving forward with my new life. My wife finally agreed to my original settlement so now I'm just waiting on a court date to finalize the divorce.

 

For the past week though, I cannot stop thinking about how everything went down and how I handled the situation. Thankfully it hasn't messed with my appetite (i've finally gained back the weight i lost due to the stress of the affair), but it has been messing with my sleep. I wish so bad that I would have found this site at the very beginning when I first found out she had been at her "friend's" house. I didn't know how to handle the situation and I hate to admit it, but I was one of those that pretty much did the "pick me not him" dance for her the whole month of December. Even though I was the one that man'ed up when i found out she had slept over there, and said i was filing for divorce. I still can't help thinking back and wishing I hadn't let her walk all over me for a month.

 

I want so bad to go back to that night that she told me she went to his house to do homework and tell her "I know what's going on, I won't be sharing my wife with another man. You need to tell me right now the truth about everything so I can make an informed decision on how i move forward with MY life". I feel so disrespected with everything that happened and what she was doing right in front of my eyes, and it's driving me f'ing crazy. God, I wish I would have not come across so weak during that time. I know that this is probably just another phase of the healing process and it will soon subside. I wish I had told her family when I was alone with them about what she was doing, that way I wouldn't have had to deal with them not knowing the truth throughout the divorce process.

 

I know that looking back on the past does me no good, and wishing won't get me anywhere but right now I literally cannot think of anything else. It's almost like at the very beginning of this whole ordeal when all I could think about was what she did and her and her AP together.

Edited March 28, 2016 by BrownHairedGuy

[Clay]

You can't change the past. All you can do now is learn and try to make better choices in the future. Your not the only one to have did that dance. Give yourself some time. Your only human. Look at the bright side your going to be away from her soon. I had kids with my cheating xW. I'm stuck interacting on some level with her. Thankfully she has walked away from the kids so that level of interaction is greatly reduced.

 

 

Sorry your suffering.

 

C

[elaine567]

Had you not done "the pick me not him" dance, you may be sitting here regretting that you never gave her the chance to pick you, that you came across so heavy handed, you scared her away, that you could have perhaps salvaged your marriage...

We always mull over the stuff we said and we did, we should have done it that way, we should have said this instead.. but hindsight is a wonderful thing it is always 20:20.

YOU didn't know all the stuff you know now, so stop beating yourself up about stuff you cannot change. Everyone is weak when they find out they have been betrayed by the person they loved, you are not alone

Focus on the here and now.

[Marc878]

Your feelings are normal.

 

Not unique. Most trust their wives just like you. In retrospect there's nothing you could have done to charge her or this outcome.

 

I can tell you this she's not worth your time.

 

Go dark let your attourney handle the rest.

 

Time will take card of the rest. Many go through this with kids and a long term marriage.

 

Count yourself lucky. They deserve each other.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We all have i wish i had done this...or i wish i had not done that. All through life...there are things we wish we could do over.

 

Reality is ...all we can do is learn from life's lessons and do better the next time.

 

I have many regrets in my life....that i would change if i could. Since I can't I do my best to make better choices and keep a positive attitude and move forward.

 

Your wife committed adultery. She did not ask your permission....she took away your power and made decisions that would affect you the rest of your life.

It isn't fair...but it is reality.

 

You are one of the very few betrayed spouses i have ever seen keep your wits....make a decision...and move quickly. I am amazed and in complete awe.

 

You took back your power...and you made decisions that are best for you...and quite honestly...screw her. Farewell....adios.

 

Spend your days planning for your future...live your life to it's fullest...surround yourself with positive and supportive people.

 

Do not spend your time wishing you had handled her infidelity differently. For one thing....you don't REALLY know all of the details...so you don't know what you could have done differently.

 

She literally made her own bed...let her sleep in it.

 

The best revenge you can have...is to live happily ever after.

 

When this divorce is final....walk away...and don't look back. Be thankful this all went down before you had children. You can truly walk away.

[Marc878]

Yep, the BS who gets it quick stays strong and forces the issue always come out best whether it's divorce or reconciliation.

 

Nice job up front

[BrownHairedGuy]

My problem is, i'm the kind of person that still thinks about embarrassing things i said or did 10 years ago that only I remember. I know I can't change the past, I just wish I had handled things from a stronger standpoint and done research on infidelity. Because whether I wanted to believe it with my heart at the beginning, I knew in my head what was going on. I know that if I had read the advice from posters on this forum I would have had no problem confronting my wife and handling things the way people on here tell others every day on how to handle infidelity.

 

I've had people tell me that I should have made her be the one to file for divorce. F that. Filing for divorce is the only thing that made me feel like I took control in the end and stood up for myself.

[Clay]

I've had people tell me that I should have made her be the one to file for divorce. F that. Filing for divorce is the only thing that made me feel like I took control in the end and stood up for myself.

 

This hits very close to home for me. Once it was clear I was being played for a fool again. I was done. I was not going to stay married to her for another second.

 

Did she want to work it out or was it mutual at that point ?

 

C

[BrownHairedGuy]

This hits very close to home for me. Once it was clear I was being played for a fool again. I was done. I was not going to stay married to her for another second.

 

Did she want to work it out or was it mutual at that point ?

 

C

 

I have no idea. I think she was in the affair fog and didn't know what she wanted. She said she needed space and i found out she got an apartment behind my back. I didn't let on I knew that and asked if she wanted me to be the one that filed for divorce. She said her moving out for a bit wasn't that she didn't have faith in our marriage, she just needed space to figure things out. The next 2 days I found out she slept over at his house and i ended it. I have no idea whether she told me she still had faith because she was still getting her ducks in a row for divorce, or if she just wanted to keep me in the dark and see if her AP committed to her or how things worked out with them or what. Once I told her i was filing (i sent an email, i didn't even want to see her face I was so hurt/pissed), she showed no remorse and I never heard from her.

[harrybrown]

You can still tell her family about her cheating.

 

Do get tested for STDS.

 

Good thing that you are moving on.

 

keep strong in case she wakes up and cries wanting you back.

 

Go see a counselor to help get thru the pain.

 

She is not someone to be missed and very wonderful that she is almost out of your life. Do something for yourself.

 

Good luck to you.

[Clay]

I would have done the same thing. Just walk away. Your so much better off. Sure it hurts like hell to go through this but at least you know the truth and your putting a end to this now. I doubt seriously this will be the last time she cheats. That will be on her.

 

My xW is a serial cheater. She continues to show our kids just that some people will never learn.

 

 

Go out to do things for yourself. Find some hobbies you like. Get into counceling and just block your xW for good.

 

C

[bigman1]

I so understand that concept of reliving embarrassing mistakes years later. The whole "what I should have said or done" or "I can't believe I did that" really sucks.

 

Here is the thing: You loved your wife, so you did what anyone in your shoes would have done. The pick me dance song is usually the only song you hear when you learn of infidelity, so you can't help but dance it a little bit. If you did not, then you'd be some sort of robot. Its easier said than done to say that anyone can go from being married and trusting their partner to coming up with some pithy snarky retorts while you kick them out on their butts. The reality: Everybody dances for a minute or they start heading for the dance floor. No shame.

 

You can't get those moments back. Maybe one day you will have the chance to tell her that regret ever doing the pick me dance. In a way, its even more devastating to tell some one, "after thinking it all over, I am embarrassed that I actually wanted to stay with you". Still, it is far healthier to just move to the point that you just don't care. That is real progress and healthier.

[BrownHairedGuy]

I actually did go get tested just last week for STD's and came back clean so that gave me peace of mind. I plan on telling her family once the divorce is finalized. I was advised by my attorney to not send anything to them that they would have in writing (doesn't really make sense to me but whatever). I've found out through word of mouth that she cheated on 4 or 5 of her ex boyfriends in the past "unapologetically" was the exact quote. Wish one of her friends would have told me that before i married her. Seems she is a selfish narcissist that is always looking for the next best thing.

 

I've been doing my best to continue moving forward, and i know that eventually these thoughts will past. I guess it still just blows my mind how someone could drop someone they were with for 6 years of their life like a bad habit and just not show any remorse. Its borderline psychopathic.

[aliveagain]

Read and implement the "180" until the divorce is done then let her become just another face in the crowd. You discovered who she really is before it got too complicated. Cut out all the friends that knew about her from your life too, they are not enough of a friend to be part of your future, she can have them all. Plan a celebration for when your divorce is final, make sure she hears about it just don't invite her.

[Bufo]

Keep your eyes on the prize. The prize here is a divorce you can live with without enriching two lawyers. What might have been done differently is collateral to that goal. Contact with her about anything except the financials and possible court dates does not move you closer to your goal.

 

After you are divorced finally you can think about what might have been. If you want to by then. But don't discuss it with her. Ever. Talk with a friend over a her or two if you need to ventilate. She'll take such regret talk as a win for her. Or an attempt to let her know you still think of her. She's a serial cheater and therefore you should let her be somebody else's problem.

[bubbaganoosh]

You'll find out that if you dwell on the "coulda, woulda shoulda" schtik then all you'll do is get grey hair.

 

Look friend, you got out of the marriage and now you can reclaim your life and move on. That's worth a lot more then dwelling on the past and wondering if things would be different if you had said this or that.

 

All in all don't make the same mistake twice. Just live a good life and enjoy yourself. You only go around once in life so make the most of it.

[Sub]

Easier said than done, but try to look forward as much as possible. Create new memories in your life, put some positive building blocks back in place, and the negative stuff will start to fade. If she was indeed unable to stay faithful to anyone, it's just more reinforcement that this wasn't about you and you were fortunately able to get out relatively early in the R. You have your whole life ahead of you now.

[happyman64]

BHG

 

Your future lies in front of you. Not behind you.

 

And I'm sure her family truly knows where she has been sleeping and with whom.

 

Stand tall. Say goodbye to them post divorce. And never speak to your ex again.

 

She is just a selfish waste of brain matter.

 

You need to focus on yourself now and then when you are ready go find Ms. awesome.

 

I did it. So can you!

 

HM

[happyman64]

BHG

 

Your future lies in front of you. Not behind you.

 

And I'm sure her family truly knows where she has been sleeping and with whom.

 

Stand tall. Say goodbye to them post divorce. And never speak to your ex again.

 

She is just a selfish waste of brain matter.

 

You need to focus on yourself now and then when you are ready go find Ms. awesome.

 

I did it. So can you!

 

HM

[flowergirl14]

My problem is, i'm the kind of person that still thinks about embarrassing things i said or did 10 years ago that only I remember. I know I can't change the past, I just wish I had handled things from a stronger standpoint and done research on infidelity. Because whether I wanted to believe it with my heart at the beginning, I knew in my head what was going on. I know that if I had read the advice from posters on this forum I would have had no problem confronting my wife and handling things the way people on here tell others every day on how to handle infidelity.

 

I've had people tell me that I should have made her be the one to file for divorce. F that. Filing for divorce is the only thing that made me feel like I took control in the end and stood up for myself.

 

No one besides you posting here on LS has any emotional connection to your situation. This community of people can see through the bs and speak matter of factly and look at it logically. Its very black and white unless your the betrayed spouse living this nightmare. Then it is not! The death of a marriage is always a grieving process. There are probably a lot of could've, should've, would'ves!

[Mr. Lucky]

I didn't know how to handle the situation and I hate to admit it, but I was one of those that pretty much did the "pick me not him" dance for her the whole month of December. Even though I was the one that man'ed up when i found out she had slept over there, and said i was filing for divorce. I still can't help thinking back and wishing I hadn't let her walk all over me for a month.

 

You figured things out and made a decision in 30 days? You're a Rhodes Scholar compared to me, I wasted 18 months. Moved out and back in twice . Two attempts at MC . Since we had a young child, i was desperate to believe something even though I had plenty of evidence it wasn't true.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Compared to many of the rest of us, you're a quick learner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

You figured things out and made a decision in 30 days? You're a Rhodes Scholar compared to me, I wasted 18 months. Moved out and back in twice . Two attempts at MC . Since we had a young child, i was desperate to believe something even though I had plenty of evidence it wasn't true.

Don't beat yourself up. Compared to many of the rest of us, you're a quick learner...

 

Mr. Lucky

Well, Mr. L, THAT is a sobering measure of BS development. By that standard, I guess the best I can give myself as a letter grade is F for my initial performance then a pass on the pass/fail retake - but barely.

 

Yeah, that IS the difference. Some start from the beginning, looking at the facts without looking. We dismiss and try to believe our spouses are truly remorseful. Others, like OP, see it for what it is right away. Why that is, I have no clue.

[aliveagain]

Friend, life is full of regrets. Finding out that your wife is a liar and a cheat and can't be trusted around men is a blessing, it saved the rest of your long life and helped set you free. Celebrate and do what makes you happy, she's someone else's problem now, tell the world.

[dichotomy]

My problem is, i'm the kind of person that still thinks about embarrassing things i said or did 10 years ago that only I remember. I know I can't change the past, I just wish I had handled things from a stronger standpoint and done research on infidelity. Because whether I wanted to believe it with my heart at the beginning, I knew in my head what was going on. I know that if I had read the advice from posters on this forum I would have had no problem confronting my wife and handling things the way people on here tell others every day on how to handle infidelity.

 

I've had people tell me that I should have made her be the one to file for divorce. F that. Filing for divorce is the only thing that made me feel like I took control in the end and stood up for myself.

 

I understand you completely. Your not alone in these feelings,

 

When my first marriage involved a PA/EA - I did all the wrong things - reacted on one partial email (without laying low and spying more), and then doing the "pick me - chump dance" while she waffled over trying to get MM to leave his wife while she strung me along. It took me a long time to get over my embarrassment over not manning up. I did end up deciding to divorce - after 4 months of being lead around by her. I was also depressed for over a year afterwards and avoided dating and when I did I was still dealing with self esteem and confidence issues. Again - when I look back I wish I had "roared" into dating and dated more aggressively before remarrying again. Once again I live with regret over this 1.5 years wasted time ( after the divorce) wallowing in sorrow.

 

It has been said I am man who lives in the past or the future....so I have worked hard to live for now.

 

You do the same right now - ok ? Roar! Go after life !

Edited April 3, 2016 by dichotomy