Wife was cheating and gave up on our marriage [updated 2016-07-04]

[Jersey born raised]

Learn to live aware and not in fear. Learn not to beat yourself up over your "faults". After the pain of a break up with my college fiancé, which was all on me I swore never to make the same mistake again. The pain was so great that forty years later I still have not made the same mistakes. Every relationship since then has been enriched by this. A poster her (Pixe?) summed up best who I steve to be:

 

 

Why improve yourself *

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

 

I mentioned I live aware after my exWW. I know the red flags and I am alert to them. Not "oh my god, here we go again" but rather as a warning that needs are not being meant or it is time to move on.

 

Red flags*

 

Sex life dropped off noticeably

Passwords on phone and computer

Much more time on line...fakebook.

More GNOs...staying out later.

Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.

Less communication.

Staying up late on computer.

Dressing more provocative

More shopping-spending...clothes.

3 hour groceries shopping trips

Gasoline use and mileage went up

Generally disconnected from family.

New friends that I wasn't introduced to

Cell/text usage went up...way up.

New hair style and attention to makeup

Started exercising more.

Secretive about whereabouts during contact

She would become annoyed easily with me.

Household responsibilities dropped way off.

ecame more forgetful in general

A noticable distancing from her family.

Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

 

Do not use this list to feed paranoia !

[Jersey born raised]

Also you have done well. Another driver crossing lanes and hits you is not on you. Judge yourself by your actual actions in reaction to her action, not your emotion or desires. Do you understand?

 

If you don't let me know.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Once again I am blown away by you guys. I took the weekend off from looking at this site to help keep this ordeal out of my head. Starting Monday off by reading what several of you have wrote has helped me start the day off good. Even though I don't like the way I acted, you all are right in that i only let her continue what she was doing to me for a month. Even though I know it was an extreme measure and some people don't agree with it, I'm happy I put that tracker on her car. I needed absolute proof to look at and help snap me out of the trance that the affair put me in, and push me to start taking action on what needed to be done.

 

I'm so sorry to read what some of you have gone through. In comparison, it makes what I went/am going through seem like nothing. Her mother came to pick up the stuff from the house that she got in the settlement. All I have to do now is wait for a court date, show up, and have the judge finalize everything. I know that I'm going to be doing a lot better now that I don't have to deal with any paperwork or seeing emails from her attorney, or any of that. I can start focusing 100% of my attention elsewhere.

 

Jersey Born Raised - thank you for your insight. I've actually done a lot of that over the past couple of months. For the most part, we had a good marriage. Our friends would constantly say that they hoped they would find someone to have a relationship like we had. Which i guess is why all of this was so hard on me, to have her do such a 180.

[Jersey born raised]

Have you thought about what your issues are and are addressing them as "Pixe" mentioned?

 

They could add up to a grabs total of 1%. The 1% ? I need to fix my "picker".

[TrustedthenBusted]

I still can't help thinking back and wishing I hadn't let her walk all over me for a month.

 

For every guy like you who wished he didn't get walked on for a month, there are 100 who wished they didn't get walked on for a year. You done good.

 

Nobody is prepared for this **** when it happens the first time, and obviously, some aren'r prepared when it happens several times over.

 

I went with reconciliation, and it's going well. But there are days I still wish I just drove away and never looked back. That's how it goes.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Have you thought about what your issues are and are addressing them as "Pixe" mentioned?

 

They could add up to a grabs total of 1%. The 1% ? I need to fix my "picker".

 

Yes i have.

[BrownHairedGuy]

For every guy like you who wished he didn't get walked on for a month, there are 100 who wished they didn't get walked on for a year. You done good.

 

Nobody is prepared for this **** when it happens the first time, and obviously, some aren'r prepared when it happens several times over.

 

I went with reconciliation, and it's going well. But there are days I still wish I just drove away and never looked back. That's how it goes.

 

I admire you TrustedthenBusted. I would have done anything to save our marriage, but in all honesty I'm happy that things happened the way they did because I don't think i would have ever been strong enough to move forward with trusting my wife again. Now that I've found out what kind of person she really is and hid from me somehow for 6 years, I'm definitely glad that things ended the way they did. I know now that she's not the type of person to put effort into reconciliation, and most likely would have cheated on me down the road.

Edited April 5, 2016 by BrownHairedGuy

[merrmeade]

Red flags*

 

Sex life dropped off noticeably

Passwords on phone and computer

Much more time on line...fakebook.

More GNOs...staying out later.

Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.

Less communication.

Staying up late on computer.

Dressing more provocative

More shopping-spending...clothes.

3 hour groceries shopping trips

Gasoline use and mileage went up

Generally disconnected from family.

New friends that I wasn't introduced to

Cell/text usage went up...way up.

New hair style and attention to makeup

Started exercising more.

Secretive about whereabouts during contact

She would become annoyed easily with me.

Household responsibilities dropped way off.

ecame more forgetful in general

A noticable distancing from her family.

Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

 

Do not use this list to feed paranoia !

Hard to relate ... What's the male version of this?

[Honourably honest]

BHG. You are doing well, and I'd like to think you are definitely through the worst of it. Life will continue to improve, and all the excitement of dating will one day come your way.

You haven't had an easy ride, but you have handled this well, with divinity and honour.

 

Keep it going!

[happyman64]

She would have cheated on you down the road. Not probably.

 

Some people do not have strong moral compasses. They just hide it well or you see the truth when she puts herself in a situation where compass is required.

 

Be glad you found out now.

 

Shake the dust off.

 

And keep walking in the same direction.

 

Forward.....

 

HM

[happyman64]

How are you doing BHG?

[BrownHairedGuy]

Hey HM! Good to hear from you and hope you are doing well. I am doing fantastic! My court date to finalize everything is actually tomorrow morning and everyone keeps saying "it's going to be tough man, but you'll get through it". Obviously I don't know how I'll feel when I'm actually sitting in the courtroom, but right now I'm ecstatic at the thought of putting this chapter of my life behind me.

 

I've put a lot of focus into work and am having a great year, and have a few opportunities in the next month that if they go my way could lead to a major increase in business and my salary.

 

I spent a lot of time focusing on myself, and in the past couple weeks i've gone out on a few dates. I've been open and honest with them about my situation and how I'm not looking to move too fast, and have had some really fun outings. I saw my STBXW driving a few weeks ago, and looked at her and felt nothing. I turned away and am happy to say i went about the rest of the day and she didn't pop into my mind once. That's when I knew I should try going on a few dates. I feel screwed over with the money stuff, but with everything that happened one thing she did for me that was nice was that she made it very easy to move on because of how terribly she treated me near the end.

 

I see posts from guys on here that are in similar situations as I was. I wish I could show them how my life is now. How things get better. How it's not worth wasting time or your life with someone that shows such little respect for you. I feel rejuvenated and like a brand new person. Some say that ya, anyone can seem happy on the outside while inside they are struggling. This may sound cliche but that definitely doesn't apply to me, I am happy inside and out and am loving my new lease on life!

Edited April 25, 2016 by BrownHairedGuy

[Bufo]

Wow. Talk about recovery! Just be aware that your happiness may cause her unhappiness. And of course that will be your fault! Best idea: remember the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way". It's about as close to one size fits all as there is when dealing with a vindictive spouse or ex spouse. There's no rational answer to it she can provide.

 

Her: You are a no good...

You: I'm sorry you feel that way

Her: No you don't. You are a liar...

You: I'm sorry you feel that way.

 

Use it if you are somehow trapped into hearing her venomous comments.

 

Keep posting to provide inspiration to he newbies.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Bufo - thank you for the advice, that is really funny. I don't think i have to worry about her trying to contact me though. She's not the type of person to admit fault, and I have no idea if she even sees herself as having done anything wrong. I actually really do hope she's been going to a counselor to work on herself.

[Honourably honest]

Once it's over today, have a beer on me. The rest of your life starts today!

[BrownHairedGuy]

I ran into co workers of my ex wife last night and learned a little about what she told them. Apparently she told her parents that I was manipulative, controlling, controlled all the money and that that was all I cared about and never let her buy anything and that i wouldn't help pay for her school so she had to pay out of her personal account (guess she said this to help explain the lack of funds in her personal account since she was spending $2,500/month on frivolous stuff). I kind of figured she told them something along these lines but it's just crazy to hear. I never would have imagined her being this person. They also told me the doctor she pretty much left me for is already cheating on her and has banged 2 other nurses behind her back. After hearing all this all I really feel is sorry for her. I feel sorry for the life she is about to live if she doesn't change who she is as a person. It also feels good that was the only thing I felt when they told me this. It shows that I haven't been lying to myself and I really am moving on and in a much better place.

[elaine567]

Your wife essentially had an exit affair, and the AP in that instance is often called "a bridge", as they are "good enough for now",

They are often just used as a stepping stone out of the marriage, as opposed to being a serious love match.

Once she finds her feet and starts looking around her, she will be moving on again, so do not worry about her.

I am glad you are getting your life back on track, but keep away from her and any stuff that reminds you of her, it will not do you any good.

She leads her life, you lead yours.

[Marc878]

WW went for the grass is greener syndrome.

 

Of course she is blameshifting all the problems onto you.

 

If you read back on your threads you were told he would dump her later.

 

Happens all the time like clockwork. Get the divorce finalized before she wakes up.

 

She has no class and her parents are just as bad.

 

You my friend are a lucky man. Don't be surprised if she comes calling later.

 

Block her and go dark. There is nothing but a *****life with something like this.

[stillafool]

I ran into co workers of my ex wife last night and learned a little about what she told them. Apparently she told her parents that I was manipulative, controlling, controlled all the money and that that was all I cared about and never let her buy anything and that i wouldn't help pay for her school so she had to pay out of her personal account (guess she said this to help explain the lack of funds in her personal account since she was spending $2,500/month on frivolous stuff). I kind of figured she told them something along these lines but it's just crazy to hear. I never would have imagined her being this person. They also told me the doctor she pretty much left me for is already cheating on her and has banged 2 other nurses behind her back. After hearing all this all I really feel is sorry for her. I feel sorry for the life she is about to live if she doesn't change who she is as a person. It also feels good that was the only thing I felt when they told me this. It shows that I haven't been lying to myself and I really am moving on and in a much better place.

 

Yeah, but the good thing about all of this and I would tell everyone who reports to you is, it's no longer you problem.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Don't worry guys, I have had no contact with her since I told her I was filing. The divorce was finalized last week. Everyone keeps telling me I need to worry about her reaching out to me, I really don't think I have to worry about that happening. She's not the type. Even if she did it wouldn't matter.

 

That's exactly what I told her nurse friends. She's someone else's problem now. It was interesting to finally hear what exactly she told her folks. I'm really not concerned with her spreading lies. I've talked to her close friends and obviously her co workers. They know the type of person I am and how I didn't do any of those things, and everyone sees right through her. I do find it funny she told people I only cared about money and controlled it and wouldn't let her buy anything yet everyone knows how she likes to shop so much. Apparently I wasn't very good with controlling her and not letting her spend any of our money lol.

[Marc878]

It's a crap thing to go thru but you recovered quickly and finished it.

 

The truth always comes out in the end.

 

I'm happy for you.

 

The really funny thing is her parents actually though they were gonna have a doctor in the family. Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

 

The only thing that could top that off would be an STD!!!!

[aliveagain]

Simple response, she gave me an STD after all those years of marriage. Who cares, anyone that wants your leftovers is welcome to them, you've moved on. Glad to hear your in a good place.

[merrmeade]

BHG, thanks for giving us closure, too. You did well, so well, and this proves it. Karma is real.

[Bufo]

Good recovery! Stick around and post from time to time to give encouragement to the new folks who inevitably will find this site and need help. Not too many post who have successfully recovered via divorce. People need to know there is life after divorce.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Good recovery! Stick around and post from time to time to give encouragement to the new folks who inevitably will find this site and need help. Not too many post who have successfully recovered via divorce. People need to know there is life after divorce.

 

Bufo - I will for sure. The unknown is always kind of scary. I had no idea what my life would be like on my own again. But I've met so many new people, gotten together with friends i've lost touch with, gone on quite a few dates the past month. Single life has been really good. You really have to just set your mind to bettering yourself and stick to it. Be consistent with trying new things, setting a goal to go to a new place you've never been each week, etc. Just have to have a positive attitude and good things will happen.

 

I know I've mentioned before but I really can't think all of you on this forum enough. There were times where I was in a bad place and I would just come on this forum and read all the things you guys had to say in my post and know that this wasn't something that was going to ruin my life, it was something that would eventually begin a whole new chapter in my life.