Can I ask what you loveshackers think?

[BetrayedH]

I think you have a very healthy and mature perspective on it all. Your positions are perfectly defensible. Kudos.

 

Let's see if he can similarly justify his own actions.

[weeble78]

So last night H came upstairs and suggested giving it a go. I'd said the night before that I couldn't rest easy when explaining to my daughter when she's older that I hadn't tried anything to work things out. He agreed and seemed to suggest that he would give it one more go.

 

 

So tonight I've just gone and asked him and he says he thinks it's best for him to move out and don't I agree with him. I said no and asked him to complete the divorce papers and separation agreement before he leaves. He has asked to have our daughter 3 nights a week (she is 1 year old). I think this is too much at her age as I cannot explain to her why she is spending half the week out of her bedroom away from her space and comfort zone. I've asked if he'll work towards spending an overnight a week. He says he'll wait until he's settled. What about her settling?! I said it's sad he has no respect for family.

 

 

He then went off onto a tangent about how we don't get on blah blah, so it's not worth staying.

 

 

I've said I cannot believe he doesn't care enough about Clem having a family to try even once.

 

 

I actually can't believe that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If he is moving out....I would proceed with the divorce.

[weeble78]

If he is moving out....I would proceed with the divorce.

 

 

Thank you. I have said that is my position. He won't give counselling a go or anything at all. He says our relationship is broken and our dynamic will never change so there's nothing we can do.

 

 

Fricking nonsense really. He's not even trying.

 

 

I guess perhaps the relationship is dead. But it would have been nice of him to warn me of this before announcing it's over.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know you want to keep your family together...but you cannot keep it together by yourself...and he is showing no remorse...no interest...and no effort.

 

So what are you trying to save?

 

I know you don't understand it...you don't know what went wrong....you don't know this man you have lived with all this time.

 

Concentrate on yourself...get into therapy to try to sort out your own feelings. Be a great mom...and move on.

 

Your baby is only 1. She won't know the difference after a couple of weeks....living in two houses will become normal. It isn't the way you wanted to raise her...but it is what it is.

 

My daughter divorced and moved back home with two babies...one was 1 and the other was 2. My daughter remarried 5 years later.....and the girls have a wonderful step dad. Their dad remained a good dad to them. My daughter is happy. The girls are now 17 and 16. They survived. It wasn't what i wanted for them....I wanted them to stay a family.

 

 

Life is full of disappointments...but we adjust....

the important thing is to be the best we can be with the hand we have been dealt.

 

You will make it hon....it may not seem like it today....your world seems like it is spinning out of control. Let your lawyer handle the legal part....and surround yourself with friends and family who can give you moral support.

 

Your friends here at loveshack...are always ready to listen.

[dreamingoftigers]

Is it really obvious that he's having a thing with this other woman?

 

He has all of the classic lines and behaviours.

[weeble78]

I know you want to keep your family together...but you cannot keep it together by yourself...and he is showing no remorse...no interest...and no effort.

 

So what are you trying to save?

 

I know you don't understand it...you don't know what went wrong....you don't know this man you have lived with all this time.

 

Concentrate on yourself...get into therapy to try to sort out your own feelings. Be a great mom...and move on.

 

Your baby is only 1. She won't know the difference after a couple of weeks....living in two houses will become normal. It isn't the way you wanted to raise her...but it is what it is.

 

My daughter divorced and moved back home with two babies...one was 1 and the other was 2. My daughter remarried 5 years later.....and the girls have a wonderful step dad. Their dad remained a good dad to them. My daughter is happy. The girls are now 17 and 16. They survived. It wasn't what i wanted for them....I wanted them to stay a family.

 

 

Life is full of disappointments...but we adjust....

the important thing is to be the best we can be with the hand we have been dealt.

 

You will make it hon....it may not seem like it today....your world seems like it is spinning out of control. Let your lawyer handle the legal part....and surround yourself with friends and family who can give you moral support.

 

Your friends here at loveshack...are always ready to listen.

 

 

I guess I'm trying to save my daughter's future questions, knowing that mumma tried to keep her family together for her. It's all about my baby girl. I guess it also hurts too. To hear him say he tried his hardest the last few years and that we've got nothing left any more. That there's nothing good about this marriage. It was everything to me, to have a husband and a daughter. Everything. It was the first time I felt proud of myself in my life. The first time I felt like my parents were proud of me too.

 

 

Thank you for your replies. I've also had the worst news today that my mum may not have long to live. And I can't talk to her or tell her. I wish beyond anything somebody could hug me and tell me it will be ok, this will work out for us all. I feel so broken and lost.

[Mrs. John Adams]

((((you))))

 

consider yourself hugged baby girl.

 

Sweetheart...you did not fail. Please keep this in mind. Your parents ARE PROUD. You gave them a beautiful grandchild....that's the BEST gift in the world!

 

I am so very sorry about your mom...my prayers are with her and your family.

[weeble78]

((((you))))

 

consider yourself hugged baby girl.

 

Sweetheart...you did not fail. Please keep this in mind. Your parents ARE PROUD. You gave them a beautiful grandchild....that's the BEST gift in the world!

 

I am so very sorry about your mom...my prayers are with her and your family.

 

 

Thank you. And thank you for all your kind support and help getting through this xxx

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am here...we all are here for you.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so so sorry that you're being hit with all of this at the same time. Please believe me, you are stronger than you know. I know this because I've got wonderful little children who need me too. Your baby will grow to be a fighter like her Mum. Make her proud.

[weeble78]

I'm so so sorry that you're being hit with all of this at the same time. Please believe me, you are stronger than you know. I know this because I've got wonderful little children who need me too. Your baby will grow to be a fighter like her Mum. Make her proud.

 

Thank you for your lovely words. I will keep reading them all. I get a little bit of comfort knowing I'm not the one driving him out, but the rest I will have to face and deal with. I can't believe so many of you have been through so many horrible experiences, whichever side of the fence you've stood on you must be proud to share these experiences and advice with others.

 

I'd be going crazy without you all. What is life going to look like in 6 months?

 

And my poor mum and dad. I don't know whether to keep it from them.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you for your lovely words. I will keep reading them all. I get a little bit of comfort knowing I'm not the one driving him out, but the rest I will have to face and deal with. I can't believe so many of you have been through so many horrible experiences, whichever side of the fence you've stood on you must be proud to share these experiences and advice with others.

 

I'd be going crazy without you all. What is life going to look like in 6 months?

 

And my poor mum and dad. I don't know whether to keep it from them.

 

if in 20 years or so...your daughter found herself in your position....would you as her parent want to know?

 

I certainly would...and I would be hurt if my daughter did not tell me.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh Weeble I could of written this, "And I can't talk to her or tell her. I wish beyond anything somebody could hug me and tell me it will be ok, this will work out for us all. I feel so broken and lost.". I have in slightly different words!

 

I completely understand!! I truly do. My parents have been through so much. My Mum had heart surgery, my Dad nearly died. We lost my beloved brother leaving me their only child. I want them to be proud of me. I don't want them to worry. I don't think they can take much more stress. I don't know!

 

My H rewrote history. Suddenly it went from "I love you & the kids so much, you're my everything" too "I'm miserable! You make me miserable & have for years!! I want to be alone!!". Of course he didn't want to be alone. He wanted to be in his 20's again, free to chase skirt & party with no responsibilities. He wanted her!!

 

I live in the USA far away from the people who love me. I would sell my soul some days just for a cuddle, a grown-up cuddle from someone who truly, unconditionally loves me. I look at my babies & think, "How can anyone want to run away from all this?".

 

I don't know. Could you talk to your Dad & decide if it's best to keep it from your Mum. I'm dealing with cancer & they keep telling me to relax & avoid stress (as if!!) you'll always be her baby. Give her lots of cuddles. I can't tell you if it's best to share your situation with her.

 

I know it's different but I finally told my parents that I have cancer & it felt like such a weight had been lifted. I still haven't mentioned my H affairs.

 

I'm not the best for advise but I can tell you "You're not alone. I know. I truly do!". Huge, HUGE hugs. Give your baby a cuddle from me

[Mrs. John Adams]

SL...it would be so wonderful if the two of you were close together and you could hug her for me too!and she could hug you back from me dear friend.

[S2B]

I'm not being funny but if my family breaks up it won't be because I haven't tried. I have asked him to stay and go to counselling to work through things and fix them but he refuses and is set on leaving 4th March. In fact asking him to stay goes against what I believe in. I don't believe in accepting cheating and lying. I actually think my daughter would be more at risk by me accepting his cheating and rug sweeping it.

 

 

As for the name calling, there is no going after him. When he does that I tell him to stop and remove myself and my daughter from the vicinity until he calms down. Nothing is enough to make him stop doing it. And actually by staying with him I am again giving my daughter the message that it's ok to be with someone who does that.

 

 

The way to my heart is by being a committed and honest man, who wants to put the needs of his marriage and family before his own needs.

 

I commend you for having strength and a solid boundary and principles that look healthy!

 

This is not easy and I see you are doing a great job under crappy circumstances!

 

It's impossible to expect a person to suddenly grow a conscience when they don't have one - to suddenly care about others when they are self centered and selfish!

 

Since that's the way he truly is - and he isn't motivated to change that about himself = then you are way better off without him!

 

And a one year old - I'm sorry. That's hard! But you can ask for the majority of time with the child and he can fill in where it works best for the child.

 

Honestly, if he's selfish - he's not likely to be the best at paying attention to what a one year old needs. If minimize his visitation as much as possible until he proves he's capable of caring for the baby.

 

Looking out for YOUR best interest (and the baby's best interest too) is what's in order! Stay strong!

 

And with anyone who uses anger that way to communicate - it's unacceptable!!! And I wouldn't want him around my child at all!

 

Sorry about the pain - it just sucks.

[BetrayedH]

The good news is that your daughter will adapt, and quickly. Data shows that younger children recover from divorce more quickly than older children. With a one year old, I hardly worry for you.

 

Figuring out how to deal with coparenting and shared custody in the early days can be tough. I'd encourage you to work with your attorney to determine a legal and defensible path forward. Be wary of denying him access. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and he were denying you access or dictating when you could see your daughter. The dissolution of the marriage doesn't dissolve the parenting relationship. My personal $.02 is that 50/50 custody is best for children when both parents are competent. Thus, I'd encourage you to adopt a strategy in that vein as soon as is reasonably practicable. Asking him to properly prepare a new home before he has overnights may be reasonable (especially since it was his choice to leave) but I'd hope you'd otherwise encourage contact and visitation. Some courts actually lean towards granting more custody to the parent that is most likely to share custody. With my former spouse, we ended up at 50/50. She has Sun/Mon/Tue and I have Th/Fr/Sa. We alternate Wednesdays. Each parent has a weekend day. The kids only go 3-4 days without seeing a parent. And we each get a break from kids every few days. It works well. Anyway, there's lot of systems like this.

[weeble78]

Oh Weeble I could of written this, "And I can't talk to her or tell her. I wish beyond anything somebody could hug me and tell me it will be ok, this will work out for us all. I feel so broken and lost.". I have in slightly different words!

 

I completely understand!! I truly do. My parents have been through so much. My Mum had heart surgery, my Dad nearly died. We lost my beloved brother leaving me their only child. I want them to be proud of me. I don't want them to worry. I don't think they can take much more stress. I don't know!

 

My H rewrote history. Suddenly it went from "I love you & the kids so much, you're my everything" too "I'm miserable! You make me miserable & have for years!! I want to be alone!!". Of course he didn't want to be alone. He wanted to be in his 20's again, free to chase skirt & party with no responsibilities. He wanted her!!

 

I live in the USA far away from the people who love me. I would sell my soul some days just for a cuddle, a grown-up cuddle from someone who truly, unconditionally loves me. I look at my babies & think, "How can anyone want to run away from all this?".

 

I don't know. Could you talk to your Dad & decide if it's best to keep it from your Mum. I'm dealing with cancer & they keep telling me to relax & avoid stress (as if!!) you'll always be her baby. Give her lots of cuddles. I can't tell you if it's best to share your situation with her.

 

I know it's different but I finally told my parents that I have cancer & it felt like such a weight had been lifted. I still haven't mentioned my H affairs.

 

I'm not the best for advise but I can tell you "You're not alone. I know. I truly do!". Huge, HUGE hugs. Give your baby a cuddle from me

 

 

Thank you shatteredlady, I could tell my dad and keep it from mum I guess. I might need his help glossing over whether anything's wrong - I'm a terrible liar.

[weeble78]

SL...it would be so wonderful if the two of you were close together and you could hug her for me too!and she could hug you back from me dear friend.

 

 

It would be wonderful! I miss having human contact everyday - apart from my beautiful drooly sometimes bity daughter

[weeble78]

I commend you for having strength and a solid boundary and principles that look healthy!

 

This is not easy and I see you are doing a great job under crappy circumstances!

 

It's impossible to expect a person to suddenly grow a conscience when they don't have one - to suddenly care about others when they are self centered and selfish!

 

Since that's the way he truly is - and he isn't motivated to change that about himself = then you are way better off without him!

 

And a one year old - I'm sorry. That's hard! But you can ask for the majority of time with the child and he can fill in where it works best for the child.

 

Honestly, if he's selfish - he's not likely to be the best at paying attention to what a one year old needs. If minimize his visitation as much as possible until he proves he's capable of caring for the baby.

 

Looking out for YOUR best interest (and the baby's best interest too) is what's in order! Stay strong!

 

And with anyone who uses anger that way to communicate - it's unacceptable!!! And I wouldn't want him around my child at all!

 

Sorry about the pain - it just sucks.

 

 

He does adore her, but does tend to care for her in a way that is easy for him e.g. tv and packet food. Still that's not 'harming' her, and at least they do have a good relationship.

[weeble78]

The good news is that your daughter will adapt, and quickly. Data shows that younger children recover from divorce more quickly than older children. With a one year old, I hardly worry for you.

 

Figuring out how to deal with coparenting and shared custody in the early days can be tough. I'd encourage you to work with your attorney to determine a legal and defensible path forward. Be wary of denying him access. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and he were denying you access or dictating when you could see your daughter. The dissolution of the marriage doesn't dissolve the parenting relationship. My personal $.02 is that 50/50 custody is best for children when both parents are competent. Thus, I'd encourage you to adopt a strategy in that vein as soon as is reasonably practicable. Asking him to properly prepare a new home before he has overnights may be reasonable (especially since it was his choice to leave) but I'd hope you'd otherwise encourage contact and visitation. Some courts actually lean towards granting more custody to the parent that is most likely to share custody. With my former spouse, we ended up at 50/50. She has Sun/Mon/Tue and I have Th/Fr/Sa. We alternate Wednesdays. Each parent has a weekend day. The kids only go 3-4 days without seeing a parent. And we each get a break from kids every few days. It works well. Anyway, there's lot of systems like this.

 

 

Thank you BH. Spot on sensible advice as always. Appreciated, much so. Gosh how do you manage to spend 3-4 days without seeing the kids? My heart is breaking thinking of spending a whole day without her. Seriously, I think I'll be camping on his doorstep, I've never spent more than a few hours away from her. I agree with the concept, as long as she's happy and she seems to settle. It's hard though that I can't ask her. I can't ask what she prefers and what she likes. She doesn't have a voice in this anda it doesn't seem fair to decide for her although that's being a parent I guess! So shocking her little family life has come to this.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Thank you.

 

 

So basically there is no excuse ever for cheating.

 

 

Even though I may have treated him badly prior, the cheating itself shows he doesn't really love or respect me anyway?

 

 

I ask because I feel that I'm going to feel guilty for the rest of my life for not being a good enough spouse to have kept my husband in love with me and happy for the rest of our marriage. Guilty for being part of the reason my baby doesn't have her daddy around.

 

 

can you tell I'm emotionally all over the place at the moment?

 

Dear girl, as Satu pointed out, what a cheater does is ensure the blame rests firmly with you for their vile behaviour.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth. YOU are not to blame nor are you responsible for HIS behaviour.

 

The fact is, it is not that he isn't. GETTING enough, he isn't GIVING enough.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you BH. Spot on sensible advice as always. Appreciated, much so. Gosh how do you manage to spend 3-4 days without seeing the kids? My heart is breaking thinking of spending a whole day without her. Seriously, I think I'll be camping on his doorstep, I've never spent more than a few hours away from her. I agree with the concept, as long as she's happy and she seems to settle. It's hard though that I can't ask her. I can't ask what she prefers and what she likes. She doesn't have a voice in this anda it doesn't seem fair to decide for her although that's being a parent I guess! So shocking her little family life has come to this.

 

It was certainly an adjustment. And frankly, I spent a lot of time being angry at my wife for losing access to my kids half the time. That wasn't our agreement when we had the kids, know what I mean? But all that being pissed off didn't get me anything other than being pissed off. Eventually you accept the reality and adapt. As they say, acceptance is the last stage of grief.

 

I'm sure it'll be tough for you when she's young. And who knows, maybe he won't want 50/50. But now that my kids are a little older (9 & 13), the time away is ok. Both kids have electronics, so we can text. And I see them pretty routinely at extra-curricular events.

 

What's most annoying is coparenting with my ex. I don't like her.

 

[weeble78]

Dear girl, as Satu pointed out, what a cheater does is ensure the blame rests firmly with you for their vile behaviour.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth. YOU are not to blame nor are you responsible for HIS behaviour.

 

The fact is, it is not that he isn't. GETTING enough, he isn't GIVING enough.

 

What a great post. Your last sentence resonates as it's what all my friends have said. I'm always the one giving. I don't know why but this really puts things into perspective for me. Thank you.

[weeble78]

It was certainly an adjustment. And frankly, I spent a lot of time being angry at my wife for losing access to my kids half the time. That wasn't our agreement when we had the kids, know what I mean? But all that being pissed off didn't get me anything other than being pissed off. Eventually you accept the reality and adapt. As they say, acceptance is the last stage of grief.

 

I'm sure it'll be tough for you when she's young. And who knows, maybe he won't want 50/50. But now that my kids are a little older (9 & 13), the time away is ok. Both kids have electronics, so we can text. And I see them pretty routinely at extra-curricular events.

 

What's most annoying is coparenting with my ex. I don't like her.

 

 

 

hi BH

 

 

I feel exactly the same. The anger is mostly from the possibility of being separated from my baby 50% of the time. It sounds like you came to terms with it although it was tough. Have you moved on with anybody else or is it early days for you?

 

 

Things changed last night. WH wants us to try because of our daughter and because we did have a good relationship at some point. I still can't get my head around having my daughter half the time so I'm willing to try although to be honest right now my heart is only with my daughter.

 

 

I understand there will be a lot of head slapping from people, from my friends and family, but my reasoning is that I'd like to say to my daughter that we've tried, and I'd feel happier leaving knowing we gave it a shot. I'm not convinced but will use this time to get myself stronger and organise my life a bit more, and see where the next 3 months takes me.

 

 

If his behaviour can change and his attitude towards life in general then he will be great. I think he has spent too much time feeling sorry for himself and dwelling on things instead of looking outwards to make life better for himself and our daughter.

 

 

Please don't go away, as you're all wonderful people. I don't consider myself to be great at understanding all things emotional and you've all helped me understand what's going on and cleared up a lot of confusion for me this time around.

 

 

In my last relationship I had nowhere else to turn so believed all the gaslighting and blameshifting. I spent months turning myself into knots, made myself sick, lost a huge amount of weight and hair and ended up losing my home, job and family (temporarily). It sure was a mess. This time is different, and I'm not scared of being a mum on my own or any of those things. Being a mum turns you into a tiger from the minute you know that little baby is there. (I'm sure it's the same for dads The only thing I'm scared of is changing my baby's life for the worse.