Can I ask what you loveshackers think?

[weeble78]

I guess what I'm saying is, what if I had made him feel so unwanted and lonely. He never talks about things like that, he just goes along quietly and tries to up the stakes in doing little nice things like cooking homemade meals and cleaning, making everyday life a bit easier, buying me treats he knows I like etc.

 

 

he told me before he thought I didn't love him any more and that I hated him. We'd had arguments, but I've never said anything like that to him.

 

 

Can't it all have just gone wrong and maybe it can be fixed?

 

 

*Disclaimer - yes I know I'm sounding pathetic, but when I think back to the things he said to me in the recent past and ignored it because I was so stressed over my mum possibly dying and finding 10 hour days tough starting back at work. I was being selfish too.

 

 

Help.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for your response BetrayedH. I've been crying all day and had a panic attack. My poor daughter is really confused. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

 

 

Just a few weeks ago he wanted to book a holiday abroad for us all, to make up for my birthday last year. I'd started emailing him at work saying how much I was missing him and asking for snuggles, other romantic stuff. Why would he be doing that? He said he'd missed me too and he loves me, started trying to hug me more spontaneously and do other things we've missed out on the last few months since my mum's been poorly.

 

 

I'd been cold the last few months as I was angry he'd been trying to make my mum's illness about him and he seemed annoyed the attention was on my mum and my daughter, that there was none for him. I had pushed him away. Could he not be realising that now and just have had a text thing with this girl and now be wanting to come back to me? He's right, I do have a history of bringing up the past and holding things over him for longer than I perhaps should.

 

 

Can it be possible it's really been going on for a while now and he wants to keep carrying on in secret (he says it was an attention and sex thing). She has a partner at home, the father of her child. What is he thinking?

 

I feel for you. There's no real way to make the early days easy.

 

I would caution you about the tendency to blame yourself. We all have a tendency to look inward and wonder what we "must have done" to cause this. To some extent, that analysis makes us think that we also have the capability of repairing it. It's an awful defense mechanism. We've lost power over our lives and want to regain it. And sadly, if we have to take the blame in order to control the damage, we're often too willing to do it. Many waywards take advantage of this vulnerability. He's also in his own form of scrambling damage control. If he can deflect the blame, maybe he can get you to calm down so he can regain control again. It creates a perfect storm where you are pressured to just "get over it."

 

As for why he would be acting all nice just a few weeks ago, that's not a real surprise. Most waywards (especially men) aren't looking to leave their marriage. They just feel entitled to "more." They figure they can have a thing on the side and that what you don't know won't hurt you. My wife felt that she was working on the marriage during her affair. More often than not, it's just plain selfishness and cake eating.

 

Honestly, in many of the success stories I've read around here, the betrayed wife pushed the wayward husband to his other woman. They didn't beg or plead but helped him pack his bags and wished them well. But before they knew it, the WH came begging back because being with the OW full time wasn't really what they wanted and wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Suddenly reality wipes away the fantasy of an illicit affair. The reality of broken homes and a new relationship built on lies and betrayal takes away the excitement.

 

I don't mean to build your hopes of this as an outcome. But it further shows that any begging, pleading, or desperation on your part is typically both disrespectful to you (when you have suffered enough disrespect already) and it is counter-productive.

 

It is ridiculously hard to do but this is the time to muster your strength.

 

As for your daughter, I would encourage you to take a neutral approach for the time being. Explain that sometimes adults have a difficult time getting along and that things might be better with two happy parents in separate houses than with two unhappy parents in the same house. And then do a lot of reading on how to best manage these situations with children. Many here will advocate for age-appropriate honesty with children (something like, Daddy had another girlfriend). I get that. But you can't untell something like that. I'd urge caution until you have a firm grasp on what you feel is best to say.

[BetrayedH]

I guess what I'm saying is, what if I had made him feel so unwanted and lonely. He never talks about things like that, he just goes along quietly and tries to up the stakes in doing little nice things like cooking homemade meals and cleaning, making everyday life a bit easier, buying me treats he knows I like etc.

 

 

he told me before he thought I didn't love him any more and that I hated him. We'd had arguments, but I've never said anything like that to him.

 

 

Can't it all have just gone wrong and maybe it can be fixed?

 

 

*Disclaimer - yes I know I'm sounding pathetic, but when I think back to the things he said to me in the recent past and ignored it because I was so stressed over my mum possibly dying and finding 10 hour days tough starting back at work. I was being selfish too.

 

 

Help.

 

Stop blaming yourself. The solution to his problems was not between the legs of another woman.

 

Look, you can own 50% of the marital problems. But he owns 100% of the decision to lie and cheat.

 

Could you not also sit here and use your troubled marriage and life's difficulties to justify an affair of your own? How is it that you were in the same troubled marriage and managed to avoid becoming an adulteress?

 

It's because the spouse and the marriage do not cause someone to cheat. What causes someone to cheat is their own decision to do so. Infidelity is not a marital problem; it's a personal problem.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess what I'm saying is, what if I had made him feel so unwanted and lonely. He never talks about things like that, he just goes along quietly and tries to up the stakes in doing little nice things like cooking homemade meals and cleaning, making everyday life a bit easier, buying me treats he knows I like etc.

 

 

he told me before he thought I didn't love him any more and that I hated him. We'd had arguments, but I've never said anything like that to him.

 

 

Can't it all have just gone wrong and maybe it can be fixed?

 

 

*Disclaimer - yes I know I'm sounding pathetic, but when I think back to the things he said to me in the recent past and ignored it because I was so stressed over my mum possibly dying and finding 10 hour days tough starting back at work. I was being selfish too.

 

 

Help.

 

Sweetheart,

 

It will hurt like being hit by a bus.

 

Now ask yourself this: if his Mom had to get chemo would you be wailing about the lack of attention and making it all about you?

 

I doubt it. Most spouses won't.

 

You would probably be supportive of him, trying to make sure HE was okay and picking up whatever skack needing picking up. You'd probably be understanding of him being disconnected, upset, short, angry or stressed. Or just sad.

 

Because you have a little kid and a sick Mom.

 

Basically, he abandoned you when you needed him the most. My wayward did the same.

 

Because if you aren't treating them like Super-sparkly miracles every day, they get pissed and entitled about it.

 

Just look how far his tantrum has gone: he's moving instead of just dealing with his sh*t. Yeah. He's going for Plan B. Instead if giving it an honest shot with you.

 

He whines when you need him

He cheats when you need him

He leaves instead of dealing with his whining and cheating.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Agreed betrayedh....we are responsible for the condition of the marriage .....

But the decision to cheat lies solely on the cheater.

 

And as cheaters... We can and do validate the cheating in our own mind..by blaming the bs....and those excuses become a vicious cycle in our minds. We convince ourselves that cheating is an acceptable behavior.

 

I had a good marriage...my husband had done nothing wrong. Yet... I gave myself permission to be mad at him....and convince myself....he did not care anyway.

 

Truth be told....he never stopped caring.....he cared so much that he allowed me to remain his wife.

 

Weeble....he will try to beat you down love....he will blame shift....he will scream and yell......all the time knowing what he is doing is wrong.

 

Don't let him take your power sweetheart. Get a support system in place...parents, friends, lawyers, therapists.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your response BetrayedH. I've been crying all day and had a panic attack. My poor daughter is really confused. I feel like I've been hit by a bus.

 

 

Just a few weeks ago he wanted to book a holiday abroad for us all, to make up for my birthday last year. I'd started emailing him at work saying how much I was missing him and asking for snuggles, other romantic stuff. Why would he be doing that? He said he'd missed me too and he loves me, started trying to hug me more spontaneously and do other things we've missed out on the last few months since my mum's been poorly.

 

 

I'd been cold the last few months as I was angry he'd been trying to make my mum's illness about him and he seemed annoyed the attention was on my mum and my daughter, that there was none for him. I had pushed him away. Could he not be realising that now and just have had a text thing with this girl and now be wanting to come back to me? He's right, I do have a history of bringing up the past and holding things over him for longer than I perhaps should.

 

 

Can it be possible it's really been going on for a while now and he wants to keep carrying on in secret (he says it was an attention and sex thing). She has a partner at home, the father of her child. What is he thinking?

 

By the way, I would expose to her partner.

 

He deserves to know how she's inappropriately screwing him over. If he manages to keep silent and check her phone, he will probably catch the whole truth, whereas you are no longer in a position to do so.

 

By the way, mine lived in his car for awhile before being willing to deal with his crap. I'm not saying that yours EVER will deal his crap, but just to point out the ridiculous lengths they will go to avoid it.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, I would expose to her partner.

 

He deserves to know how she's inappropriately screwing him over. If he manages to keep silent and check her phone, he will probably catch the whole truth, whereas you are no longer in a position to do so.

 

By the way, mine lived in his car for awhile before being willing to deal with his crap. I'm not saying that yours EVER will deal his crap, but just to point out the ridiculous lengths they will go to avoid it.

 

I had also thought that it's time for her to make contact with the other woman's husband/partner. He may be completely unaware. And in some cases, the other betrayed spouse becomes quite an ally. If they want to have their affair, they have to avoid two sets of eyes.

 

That said, I suspect that they have anticipated that you might so such a thing. She would have deleted anything incriminatory and they could have switched to a more covert form of communicating. It's far easier to catch them when they think they're getting away with it all. She may have even told her husband about her friend's crazy, jealous, and controlling wife. It's an attempt to head you off at the pass in case you try to reach out to him. Sometimes it even works because people really have a tendency to believe their spouse over any other anonymous person.

 

This is not to say that you shouldn't reach out to him. I'd advise it. Just like you, he deserves to be able to make informed choices about his life instead of being played for a fool. But it means that you must bring whatever proof you have with you. And you should handle it as gently as possible (so you appear concerned rather than crazy).

[weeble78]

I feel for you. There's no real way to make the early days easy.

 

I would caution you about the tendency to blame yourself. We all have a tendency to look inward and wonder what we "must have done" to cause this. To some extent, that analysis makes us think that we also have the capability of repairing it. It's an awful defense mechanism. We've lost power over our lives and want to regain it. And sadly, if we have to take the blame in order to control the damage, we're often too willing to do it. Many waywards take advantage of this vulnerability. He's also in his own form of scrambling damage control. If he can deflect the blame, maybe he can get you to calm down so he can regain control again. It creates a perfect storm where you are pressured to just "get over it."

 

As for why he would be acting all nice just a few weeks ago, that's not a real surprise. Most waywards (especially men) aren't looking to leave their marriage. They just feel entitled to "more." They figure they can have a thing on the side and that what you don't know won't hurt you. My wife felt that she was working on the marriage during her affair. More often than not, it's just plain selfishness and cake eating.

 

Honestly, in many of the success stories I've read around here, the betrayed wife pushed the wayward husband to his other woman. They didn't beg or plead but helped him pack his bags and wished them well. But before they knew it, the WH came begging back because being with the OW full time wasn't really what they wanted and wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Suddenly reality wipes away the fantasy of an illicit affair. The reality of broken homes and a new relationship built on lies and betrayal takes away the excitement.

 

I don't mean to build your hopes of this as an outcome. But it further shows that any begging, pleading, or desperation on your part is typically both disrespectful to you (when you have suffered enough disrespect already) and it is counter-productive.

 

It is ridiculously hard to do but this is the time to muster your strength.

 

As for your daughter, I would encourage you to take a neutral approach for the time being. Explain that sometimes adults have a difficult time getting along and that things might be better with two happy parents in separate houses than with two unhappy parents in the same house. And then do a lot of reading on how to best manage these situations with children. Many here will advocate for age-appropriate honesty with children (something like, Daddy had another girlfriend). I get that. But you can't untell something like that. I'd urge caution until you have a firm grasp on what you feel is best to say.

 

 

Uhhhhh. So when he left today I lost my s**t and texted him asking if this was it and if he was sure he didn't love me. He asked if we could leave this til tomorrow. I asked if he was with OW. He took a photo of where he was, apparently with work blokes. I said he could be with anyone or meeting her later and it was up to him as he is now a free agent. Then I asked when he's coming home. Pfffft I'm so pathetic. I was sobbing. Then after that I got mad so have packed some of his things out of the living room and put my photos and my daughters' stuff out so it looks more like our room.

 

 

Sobbing, angry = feeling demented. A few months ago I spent a month like this over my mum. I feel like I'm back on the rollercoaster, and I have 3 weeks of it left. How the hell do I make it through 3 weeks? I'm really good at bluffing and looking like I'm having an amazing time. In fact he used to call me Teflon. He thinks everything bounces off me.

[weeble78]

Sweetheart,

 

It will hurt like being hit by a bus.

 

Now ask yourself this: if his Mom had to get chemo would you be wailing about the lack of attention and making it all about you?

 

I doubt it. Most spouses won't.

 

You would probably be supportive of him, trying to make sure HE was okay and picking up whatever skack needing picking up. You'd probably be understanding of him being disconnected, upset, short, angry or stressed. Or just sad.

 

Because you have a little kid and a sick Mom.

 

Basically, he abandoned you when you needed him the most. My wayward did the same.

 

Because if you aren't treating them like Super-sparkly miracles every day, they get pissed and entitled about it.

 

Just look how far his tantrum has gone: he's moving instead of just dealing with his sh*t. Yeah. He's going for Plan B. Instead if giving it an honest shot with you.

 

He whines when you need him

He cheats when you need him

He leaves instead of dealing with his whining and cheating.

 

 

And how he is whining and cheating. I mean at 41, wouldn't you feel more pride to admit to your wrongs and offer to leave, apologise and at least be honest? I feel like I married someone else. Someone I thought was kind, caring, loving, overlooked my bad points etc etc. Who treats even a friend like this?

[weeble78]

I had also thought that it's time for her to make contact with the other woman's husband/partner. He may be completely unaware. And in some cases, the other betrayed spouse becomes quite an ally. If they want to have their affair, they have to avoid two sets of eyes.

 

That said, I suspect that they have anticipated that you might so such a thing. She would have deleted anything incriminatory and they could have switched to a more covert form of communicating. It's far easier to catch them when they think they're getting away with it all. She may have even told her husband about her friend's crazy, jealous, and controlling wife. It's an attempt to head you off at the pass in case you try to reach out to him. Sometimes it even works because people really have a tendency to believe their spouse over any other anonymous person.

 

This is not to say that you shouldn't reach out to him. I'd advise it. Just like you, he deserves to be able to make informed choices about his life instead of being played for a fool. But it means that you must bring whatever proof you have with you. And you should handle it as gently as possible (so you appear concerned rather than crazy).

 

 

I had thought of this. I don't really have much proof apart from what we've been discussing on email and texts which allude to the messaging but state it's not physical. The only way I can think of to get hold of him is to write a letter, or to message his sister on facebook. He is not on facebook but I have found his sister through facebook-stalking OW's page. He seems like a nice guy. A close friend of mine actually teaches OW's daughter and has met both OW and her partner. She says the partner is lovely and a bit quieter than OW. OW even sent my friend a request on facebook recently. She doesn't know her apart from knowing she is a teacher at that school. She had started liking my friend's posts on my wall.

 

 

Yeah it's funny when there's cheating involved there's always a crazy paranoid BS. Looking back when H used to tell me about exes of his, many of them were crazy. Hmmm. Must look out for that next time.

[dreamingoftigers]

And how he is whining and cheating. I mean at 41, wouldn't you feel more pride to admit to your wrongs and offer to leave, apologise and at least be honest? I feel like I married someone else. Someone I thought was kind, caring, loving, overlooked my bad points etc etc. Who treats even a friend like this?

 

My husband is now 38.

There's a woman on here that's 54 who is sleeping with an 18 year-old.

Maturity isn't an age thing.

Sometimes people really really surprise you.

[weeble78]

Just got home from visiting my parents - amazing day spending time with mum who has just started losing her hair but prognosis is good! My daughter wobbled around the farm with her new walking and met some sheep, cows, a horsie and dog. She made them laugh which was great.

 

 

So yes I just got home. H came upstairs and said that he's going to contribute more money than he'd originally offered. I nicely asked him to detail it in an agreement and then hand it over and we'd agree on whatever else needs doing. He said maybe separation will do us good, that some time apart might solve things and the lease is only for 6 months? He said that he wanted me to know that the texting happened a few times when we'd had an argument and he felt low, he'd asked it to stop saying he couldn't do it anymore. I asked him what he'd expected to happen afterwards, and he said he'd hoped things would just get better between us and I'd never find out. He asked if I wanted him to stay.

 

 

I said absolutely not. That next time we have an argument am I to expect he'll be texting her again?

 

 

Obviously my heart says yes, but this doesn't feel like enough for me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just got home from visiting my parents - amazing day spending time with mum who has just started losing her hair but prognosis is good! My daughter wobbled around the farm with her new walking and met some sheep, cows, a horsie and dog. She made them laugh which was great.

 

 

So yes I just got home. H came upstairs and said that he's going to contribute more money than he'd originally offered. I nicely asked him to detail it in an agreement and then hand it over and we'd agree on whatever else needs doing. He said maybe separation will do us good, that some time apart might solve things and the lease is only for 6 months? He said that he wanted me to know that the texting happened a few times when we'd had an argument and he felt low, he'd asked it to stop saying he couldn't do it anymore. I asked him what he'd expected to happen afterwards, and he said he'd hoped things would just get better between us and I'd never find out. He asked if I wanted him to stay.

 

 

I said absolutely not. That next time we have an argument am I to expect he'll be texting her again?

 

 

Obviously my heart says yes, but this doesn't feel like enough for me.

 

So do you want him or not?

 

I guess he still isn't offering transparency.

Did you push for it again?

[dreamingoftigers]

So do you want him or not?

 

I guess he still isn't offering transparency.

Did you push for it again?

 

Ugh. That reply sounds all wrong.

 

What I meant to say was it confused me about heart saying yes/ mind saying no because it sounds like you might be 180ing to try to get transparency, and he might just take it as "she's totally done."

 

Unless you are 110% done.

 

Either way he's a jackass.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ugh. That reply sounds all wrong.

 

What I meant to say was it confused me about heart saying yes/ mind saying no because it sounds like you might be 180ing to try to get transparency, and he might just take it as "she's totally done."

 

Unless you are 110% done.

 

Either way he's a jackass.

 

Happy Valentines Day.

[merrmeade]

Hey, weeble. I think you're doing great and your stance was spot on. He seems to be trying to negotiate, but you've maintained clear requirements. And this is not about who's in charge. It's about trust. He cannot expect trust without this and you cannot have it. You don't choose to feel that way; it's just how it works. And for that, he must be able to disclose everything that's happened in a way you're convinced. It's not hard to figure out.

[weeble78]

Ugh. That reply sounds all wrong.

 

What I meant to say was it confused me about heart saying yes/ mind saying no because it sounds like you might be 180ing to try to get transparency, and he might just take it as "she's totally done."

 

Unless you are 110% done.

 

Either way he's a jackass.

 

My heart says yes but everything else says no. I feel like if I take him back then he'll almost have my blessing to text her again should we hit a rough patch or have a row. I feel like I'm accepting low standards and making myself an idiot.

 

 

But the other side is I still feel guilty for not being better at keeping this family together. I know the rational side, that it's not all my fault, but still.

 

 

And I'm 180ing for myself, or at least to get through the 3 weeks before he leaves and then I can fall apart without anyone else knowing.

 

 

Basically my heart is hoping he's leaving the door open, and if I make him go through the emotionally hard task of leaving the family home and living the single life for a while, if he regrets it and isn't partying up a storm then maybe he'll regret it massively and have a kick up the butt to sharpen up and sort himself out.

 

 

I know that's sad. But I feel for my family's sake. And I can't say when the shoe was on the other foot years and years ago I didn't think about perhaps flirting with the guy I used to take coffee breaks with at work.

 

 

I guess I'm trying to weigh it all up. This is so confusing. All I want is a committed man to love me forever.

 

 

Now you lot can start joking ha.

 

 

And ps happy valentines to you tooooo!

[weeble78]

Hey, weeble. I think you're doing great and your stance was spot on. He seems to be trying to negotiate, but you've maintained clear requirements. And this is not about who's in charge. It's about trust. He cannot expect trust without this and you cannot have it. You don't choose to feel that way; it's just how it works. And for that, he must be able to disclose everything that's happened in a way you're convinced. It's not hard to figure out.

 

 

thank you. That's funny, it seems quite clear to me what the equation is here:

honesty = trust

And that's what I've been trying to explain to him, I'm not choosing to feel this way, it just is.

[merrmeade]

Good girl - hang in there!

[dreamingoftigers]

My heart says yes but everything else says no. I feel like if I take him back then he'll almost have my blessing to text her again should we hit a rough patch or have a row. I feel like I'm accepting low standards and making myself an idiot.

 

 

But the other side is I still feel guilty for not being better at keeping this family together. I know the rational side, that it's not all my fault, but still.

 

 

And I'm 180ing for myself, or at least to get through the 3 weeks before he leaves and then I can fall apart without anyone else knowing.

 

 

Basically my heart is hoping he's leaving the door open, and if I make him go through the emotionally hard task of leaving the family home and living the single life for a while, if he regrets it and isn't partying up a storm then maybe he'll regret it massively and have a kick up the butt to sharpen up and sort himself out.

 

 

I know that's sad. But I feel for my family's sake. And I can't say when the shoe was on the other foot years and years ago I didn't think about perhaps flirting with the guy I used to take coffee breaks with at work.

 

 

I guess I'm trying to weigh it all up. This is so confusing. All I want is a committed man to love me forever.

 

 

Now you lot can start joking ha.

 

 

And ps happy valentines to you tooooo!

 

There's nothing funny there.

We all wanted a committed partner that loves us.

 

I'm just not sure that my husband whom I love has the attention span to love me "forever." I know the risk. We'll see.

[BetrayedH]

He said maybe separation will do us good, that some time apart might solve things and the lease is only for 6 months? He said that he wanted me to know that the texting happened a few times when we'd had an argument and he felt low, he'd asked it to stop saying he couldn't do it anymore. I asked him what he'd expected to happen afterwards, and he said he'd hoped things would just get better between us and I'd never find out. He asked if I wanted him to stay.

 

I said absolutely not. That next time we have an argument am I to expect he'll be texting her again?

 

Obviously my heart says yes, but this doesn't feel like enough for me.

 

To me, this all just sounds like more minimizing, manipulation, and gamesmanship on his part. He wants to get out of all of this without having to admit to anything. He'll play on your sympathies that he was feeling low and was on the way to stopping.

 

He wants to know if you're really going to call his bluff.

 

Keep making decisions with your head instead of your emotions. I think you're doing great, too.

[weeble78]

To me, this all just sounds like more minimizing, manipulation, and gamesmanship on his part. He wants to get out of all of this without having to admit to anything. He'll play on your sympathies that he was feeling low and was on the way to stopping.

 

He wants to know if you're really going to call his bluff.

 

Keep making decisions with your head instead of your emotions. I think you're doing great, too.

 

 

Thank you. I spoke to him later on and asked why he'd asked me if I wanted him to stay. He said it's because he wants to stay and doesn't want to tear our family apart.

 

 

I reiterated I needed the whole truth and to read the messages.

 

 

He asked why I needed to read the messages, why would I want to read horrible things that will hurt. And I said I could only move forward with 100% of the information, to have the whole picture.

 

 

All the rest of it, about how he was feeling low and I made him feel sh*t because of the way I talked to him and criticised him etc, all I've heard since I found out is talk about *him*. Not once has he asked me how I'm feeling about finding out my husband has been cheating on me and prevented me from knowing 100% about everything. Literally it's been nearly 3 weeks now, and not ONCE has he asked me.

 

 

That blows my mind. I'd be gutted for his feelings in his shoes. I'd be spending every minute reassuring him and apologising.

 

 

These are the things I'm trying to keep foremost in my mind when I start going back to the good memories, to the things we've done and been through together.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you. I spoke to him later on and asked why he'd asked me if I wanted him to stay. He said it's because he wants to stay and doesn't want to tear our family apart.

 

 

I reiterated I needed the whole truth and to read the messages.

 

 

He asked why I needed to read the messages, why would I want to read horrible things that will hurt. And I said I could only move forward with 100% of the information, to have the whole picture.

 

 

All the rest of it, about how he was feeling low and I made him feel sh*t because of the way I talked to him and criticised him etc, all I've heard since I found out is talk about *him*. Not once has he asked me how I'm feeling about finding out my husband has been cheating on me and prevented me from knowing 100% about everything. Literally it's been nearly 3 weeks now, and not ONCE has he asked me.

 

 

That blows my mind. I'd be gutted for his feelings in his shoes. I'd be spending every minute reassuring him and apologising.

 

 

These are the things I'm trying to keep foremost in my mind when I start going back to the good memories, to the things we've done and been through together.

 

I recommend reading the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. It paints a picture of what true remorse looks like. Based on what you've written, your H doesn't fit the bill.

 

You'll also find a letter in there written by a BS that explains why we need to know, perhaps better than just about anything else I've read.

 

Rest assured, you're going about this the right way. And it's ok for you to have some hope that your H changes his approach. But as much as you may want to do it (emotionally), offering cheap forgiveness and trying to sweep this under the rug simply doesn't work. Your H needs to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting, and that begins with transparency, openness, and honesty. Conventional estimates put recovery from infidelity at 2-5 years but I don't think that clock starts ticking until the BS sees true remorse. Until you see that, you really should stick to your guns. If you accept less, your self-esteem is going to continue to go down the tubes. Screw that. Your self-esteem already took a hit that it didn't deserve.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you. I spoke to him later on and asked why he'd asked me if I wanted him to stay. He said it's because he wants to stay and doesn't want to tear our family apart.

 

 

I reiterated I needed the whole truth and to read the messages.

 

 

He asked why I needed to read the messages, why would I want to read horrible things that will hurt. And I said I could only move forward with 100% of the information, to have the whole picture.

 

 

All the rest of it, about how he was feeling low and I made him feel sh*t because of the way I talked to him and criticised him etc, all I've heard since I found out is talk about *him*. Not once has he asked me how I'm feeling about finding out my husband has been cheating on me and prevented me from knowing 100% about everything. Literally it's been nearly 3 weeks now, and not ONCE has he asked me.

 

 

That blows my mind. I'd be gutted for his feelings in his shoes. I'd be spending every minute reassuring him and apologising.

 

 

These are the things I'm trying to keep foremost in my mind when I start going back to the good memories, to the things we've done and been through together.

 

Well the cheating was "all about him" so pretty much the fallout is going to be too.

 

I remember after a bad argument writing a rough draft text message to my husband (my coping skill, writing VERY ANGRY BAD WORDS in text messages that I don't send because, well, verbal abuse just isn't my thing.).

 

I wrote pretty much a very scathing review of him suggesting that he might want to acknowledge that he isn't the only person on the planet. It honestly seemed like he thought that way.

 

They can't see two feet past themselves when they are in the thick of this crap. IDK why. I honestly don't know. I know I was like that as a teen but that's about it.

 

 

After another argument he got so pissed off because he said "what am I supposed to do? Beg you everyday for forgiveness? Just bow down saying " I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry....." " That's when I said: " You've never ONCE apologized to me for any of this. Not ONCE. So don't act like I've just been so accommodated here." Then the curtains rose and he said "You're right. I never did. I just thought you'd see that I felt like crap."

 

Well, great.

 

They don't tend to be great communicators.

It's taken my husband years to stand up for how he feels and start to evaluate who is responsible for that. I never would have suspected that when we first met. He was so positive and outgoing. But it didn't accurately reflect his internal issues. He practically expected a mind-reader who felt a ton of compassion and empathy for whatever his behaviour was. In a big way he got it. But he went too far past the line.

[dreamingoftigers]

I recommend reading the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. It paints a picture of what true remorse looks like. Based on what you've written, your H doesn't fit the bill.

 

You'll also find a letter in there written by a BS that explains why we need to know, perhaps better than just about anything else I've read.

 

Rest assured, you're going about this the right way. And it's ok for you to have some hope that your H changes his approach. But as much as you may want to do it (emotionally), offering cheap forgiveness and trying to sweep this under the rug simply doesn't work. Your H needs to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting, and that begins with transparency, openness, and honesty. Conventional estimates put recovery from infidelity at 2-5 years but I don't think that clock starts ticking until the BS sees true remorse. Until you see that, you really should stick to your guns. If you accept less, your self-esteem is going to continue to go down the tubes. Screw that. Your self-esteem already took a hit that it didn't deserve.

 

Happy Valentines BH.