Spouse repeatedly threatens with the D-word

[Qboro90]

The OP hasn't said this situation actually occurred with his wife. He is using a hypothetical situation as an 'example' to attempt to justify him talking to his wife's friends behind her back. - this was a hypothetical situation. Same with many of the other OP's posts. I would imagine he has spoken to his wife's friends behind her back repeatedly about various issues. So much so that his wife told him he is the laughing stock amongst her friends because of his behaviour.

 

He hasn't actually stated that this holiday situation actually occurred.

 

Even if it had happened he is a repeat offender (he claims the only way he will stop talking to her friends is if she modifies her behaviour).

 

 

His "hypotheticals" are very telling and in my opinion real life examples of things he's encountered with his wife. If he's contacting his wife's friends to complain about breadcrumbs on the floor then it's no wonder they laugh at him.

[266696687]

His "hypotheticals" are very telling and in my opinion real life examples of things he's encountered with his wife. If he's contacting his wife's friends to complain about breadcrumbs on the floor then it's no wonder they laugh at him.

 

 

Agreed.

 

if only he'd realise that talking to her friends for any reason behind her back about their relationship and issues is not the way to go maybe he could make progress with communicating with his wife. He refuses to aknowledge that his behaviour is in anyway a cause for some of the friction with his wife. He seems to truly believe that he has some sort of 'right' to talk to her friends if she doesn't behave in a particular manner for example leaving crumbs in undesignated (by him) eating areas such as the living room.

Edited February 14, 2016 by 266696687

[Miss Peach]

Another vote here for MC. With a young baby I wouldn't make any rash decisions. Your wife is probably very hormonal, sleep deprived, etc. But how you two have been interacting doesn't sound healthy and you need to worth on setting up new routines.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes.

 

But I have a question for you. Let's say your SO repeatedly dropped food crumbs in difficult to vacuum areas. You politely asked her to be more careful about it and pointed out the health hazards. Your SO ignored you and continued doing this. You're the one doing the vacuuming, so why shouldn't you have some say over how careful your SO is in handling food?

 

I have a question for you:

 

"What if your spouse has repeatedly told you and shown you she is so frustrated by the way you address her that she wants a divorce. And she has post-partum depression. Then you come to a forum where you are greeted with many suggestions to examine your own behaviour and the way that you address your spouse. Then you come up with a series of justifications for behaving dysfunctionally, complaints that you can handle and using these set-up questions that ALIENATE others. Even after this is explained you continue on your current course of action, blaming others, taking zero responsibility and then your wife leaves you shortly after throwing a dozen croissants on the living room floor."

 

What do you do?

[Morcenx]

Stop trying to make sense out of a woman who is struggling mentally, get her mother involved and get her the help she needs.

Her mother isn't available to help. The closest I can come to that is her friends and older female acquaintances. And it seems they are tiring of my repeated requests of their help when my SO refuses to communicate.

[Morcenx]

It sounds line she has good reasons to get a divorce . Probably not doing it because she has a little baby and doesn't work.

About 3-4 years ago, we had a 2-3 month period where we didn't talk to each other at all. She was threatening with the D-word back then. I've just gotten to the point of not taking it seriously yet. In my efforts to know if she is serious, she refuses to put her threat in writing and refuses to relay it to me through a friend. That suggests to me she is just saying this out of anger and not because she intends to follow through. Another pattern is she only mentions it when she is behaving in unstable manner.

[Morcenx]

You're seriously bent out of shape about breadcrumbs in the cracks of the carpet? That's the example you choose to use to illustrate how irrational your wife is? Every now and then there are crumbs in the tiny cracks of the carpet.

 

Two things: 1. Ever hear the phrase "pick your battles"? If crumbs on the floor is one of your bigger problems then your life ain't that bad. Not to mention the fact that you're badgering a woman who is suffering from PPD about nonsense and adding to her anxiety levels with completely mundane complaints on your part. What hygiene disaster are you so afraid of? There might be some ants in the house if she drops food and fails to clean it up? It's not exactly like she's leaving hypodermic needles laying around.

 

2. You have a new child.... Better get used to crumbs on the floor, dirt in the house, things being messy... Because kids... And mess... Go hand in hand.

What would you do if your husband repeatedly spilled his coffee on the carpet, refused to clean it up and after you asked nicely, refused to be more careful about how he handled his coffee? And then he spilled his coffee again?

[Morcenx]

HA!

 

I have a husband and two children, and I'm the only one who vacuums. They've ignored my attempts to keep them from dropping crumbs for two decades and counting Somehow, I deal! And I still enjoy them.

 

Perhaps I used a poor example.

Let's say your husband repeatedly spilled his coffee on the carpet, refused to clean it up and after you asked nicely, refused to be more careful about how he handled his coffee? And then he spilled his coffee again?

[Morcenx]

My SO refusing to talk to me would be a serious red flag. I would cancel the vacation and insist on counseling. Make the appt, inform partner, go alone if they refuse.

 

By continuing to plan vacations and act normally when your wife is refusing to talk to you, you enable this behavior. Don't tolerate it.

 

Thanks for the response. What you're saying makes a lot of sense.

 

And if the spouse refuses to go to counseling and makes a big stink when you try to go on the vacation by yourself. Then what do you do?

[Morcenx]

The OP hasn't said this situation actually occurred with his wife. He is using a hypothetical situation as an 'example' to attempt to justify him talking to his wife's friends behind her back. - this was a hypothetical situation. Same with many of the other OP's posts. I would imagine he has spoken to his wife's friends behind her back repeatedly about various issues. So much so that his wife told him he is the laughing stock amongst her friends because of his behaviour.

 

He hasn't actually stated that this holiday situation actually occurred.

 

Even if it had happened he is a repeat offender (he claims the only way he will stop talking to her friends about their relationship and issues is if she modifies her behaviour). - his attitude here is very wrong.

Let's say your SO refuses to speak with you about critical household issues (might be planning a vacation, might be what activities to do with the baby on a weekend, might be arranging space for a guest vs. putting the guest up in a hotel, etc.). SO also makes threats and for various reasons, you need to know if the threats are serious. But SO won't respond. You're the head of the household and need to speak with the SO. But SO won't speak with you. How do you get information from SO?

[Morcenx]

Another vote here for MC. With a young baby I wouldn't make any rash decisions. Your wife is probably very hormonal, sleep deprived, etc. But how you two have been interacting doesn't sound healthy and you need to worth on setting up new routines.

 

She won't go to counseling. I will.

 

I hate to play chess games with something like this, and that's largely why I want to know if she's serious with any threats.

[xxoo]

Perhaps I used a poor example.

Let's say your husband repeatedly spilled his coffee on the carpet, refused to clean it up and after you asked nicely, refused to be more careful about how he handled his coffee? And then he spilled his coffee again?

 

I don't know what to tell you. I would not tell my adult partner how to handle food and drinks. I control myself, and he controls himself. We don't try to control each other.

 

If this were a major issue for me, I would problem solve something that I can control. For example, I'd be saving money to replace the carpeting with hardwood flooring. Problem solved.

 

Thanks for the response. What you're saying makes a lot of sense.

 

And if the spouse refuses to go to counseling and makes a big stink when you try to go on the vacation by yourself. Then what do you do?

 

Let them make a stink. You control you, and she controls her. If she's very unhappy, she CAN indeed divorce. You can not force her to be happy with you.

 

I would definitely try to convince my spouse to attend marriage counseling with me. I would probably even beg and plead. But I also would accept that I can't make them do anything. That's just reality. FWIW, I'm married to a very stubborn person, and we manage to get along in large part because I don't try to control him.

[GorillaTheater]

I have a suggestion, Morcenx: show your wife this thread and ask her to post here, too.

[trailrunner1975]

I would stop talking with her friends behind her back and forget the sign about crumbs. you have a much larger problem brewing from the sound of things. My ex wife acted very similar to what you describe and did the whole divorce threat for quite a time. Her behavior got worse not just with me, but eventually everyone else. The parnoia. The out of control spending. Oh and the $15000 in hidden credit card charges. One day she went beserk because I missed the turn into a Chic fil A. Threatened divorce and I said enough. I filed and moved out a week later. Best move I ever made. Now she treats me like I am her best friend and we get along fine now that we are divorced. She cannot, however , keep it together in the dating world from what she says. Very unstable and yes we tried 3 different marriage counselors ovef a 4 yr period. My point is you have a very rough road ahead.

[266696687]

Let's say your SO refuses to speak with you about critical household issues (might be planning a vacation, might be what activities to do with the baby on a weekend, might be arranging space for a guest vs. putting the guest up in a hotel, etc.). SO also makes threats and for various reasons, you need to know if the threats are serious. But SO won't respond. You're the head of the household and need to speak with the SO. But SO won't speak with you. How do you get information from SO?

 

I will tell you what I wouldn't do. I would NOT speak to my SO's friends. I would not be planning a vacation. I would NOT be having house guests. I would be focusing my efforts on compromising to resolve the issues with my SO.

 

You need to stop. This running in circles asking the same questions over and over is getting you nowhere. You will not budge or adjust your perspective even an inch! This tells me exactly what your wife is dealing with. You do not stop going around in circles until people come around to your view (using bullish behaviour and talking in circles) and you only listen to opinions that directly correlate to your agenda. You believe unequivocally that you are right and cannot see your wife's side of things at all.

 

Your marriage is failing because you cannot communicate in a manner that is acceptable within an adult relationship.

 

You have control issues.

 

There is a serious problem in your marriage if your SO won't communicate with you. Therefore your marriage is over or effectively over until you can both compromise on how to resolve these issues. You do not seem able to do that so therefore you must accept your marriage is over.

 

You seem to completely lack any empathy for your wife.

Edited February 19, 2016 by 266696687

[266696687]

You have been told multiple times that talking to your wife's friends behind her back in unacceptable by many different people on this thread.

 

Do you or do you not aknowledge that this behaviour is a cause of some of the problems in your marriage?

[Morcenx]

You have been told multiple times that talking to your wife's friends behind her back in unacceptable by many different people on this thread.

 

Do you or do you not aknowledge that this behaviour is a cause of some of the problems in your marriage?

I absolutely agree it doesn't help matters. But what do you think is the appropriate thing to do if you need some information about critical household issues from your SO and the SO refuses to cooperate. For example, let's say you need to get on her health insurance plan (perhaps you've been laid off from your job or convert from direct to consultant) and she refuses to contact the necessary individuals in her company to see that you get added. Perhaps she says you should make all the calls (meaning she's OK with you being on her health plan), but the people who need to be spoken with won't talk with you (perhaps for security reasons) and will only talk with your wife. What do you do?

 

In my case, this exact thing did happen a few years ago and I went ahead, made the calls and told her they wouldn't talk to me. So the only solution was to arrange a three way call with all three of us.

[dreamingoftigers]

I absolutely agree it doesn't help matters. But what do you think is the appropriate thing to do if you need some information about critical household issues from your SO and the SO refuses to cooperate. For example, let's say you need to get on her health insurance plan (perhaps you've been laid off from your job or convert from direct to consultant) and she refuses to contact the necessary individuals in her company to see that you get added. Perhaps she says you should make all the calls (meaning she's OK with you being on her health plan), but the people who need to be spoken with won't talk with you (perhaps for security reasons) and will only talk with your wife. What do you do?

 

In my case, this exact thing did happen a few years ago and I went ahead, made the calls and told her they wouldn't talk to me. So the only solution was to arrange a three way call with all three of us.

 

That's a totally different scenario and you solved it.

[266696687]

I absolutely agree it doesn't help matters. But what do you think is the appropriate thing to do if you need some information about critical household issues from your SO and the SO refuses to cooperate. For example, let's say you need to get on her health insurance plan (perhaps you've been laid off from your job or convert from direct to consultant) and she refuses to contact the necessary individuals in her company to see that you get added. Perhaps she says you should make all the calls (meaning she's OK with you being on her health plan), but the people who need to be spoken with won't talk with you (perhaps for security reasons) and will only talk with your wife. What do you do?

 

In my case, this exact thing did happen a few years ago and I went ahead, made the calls and told her they wouldn't talk to me. So the only solution was to arrange a three way call with all three of us.

 

Wow finally after a seven page thread we have some progress.

 

Why not decide to stop discussing matters with her friends going forward? This is something you can do easily and may contribute to improving things between you and your wife.

 

What you did in the above situation was the correct action. A three way call with the insurance company solved the problem. You resolved it.

 

The insurance company isn't a friend of hers so I'm sure she wouldn't mind under the circumstances. You must know the difference between talking to one of her friends or talking to an insurance company. You know where the line is.....

 

This is a boundary of hers you must accept and respect going forward. No more talking to her friends.

 

Now think of one for you? What boundary is of crucial importance to you?

[dreamingoftigers]

Wow finally after a seven page thread we have some progress.

 

Why not decide to stop discussing matters with her friends going forward? This is something you can do easily and may contribute to improving things between you and your wife.

 

What you did in the above situation was the correct action. A three way call with the insurance company solved the problem. You resolved it.

 

The insurance company isn't a friend of hers so I'm sure she wouldn't mind under the circumstances. You must know the difference between talking to one of her friends or talking to an insurance company. You know where the line is.....

 

This is a boundary of hers you must accept and respect going forward. No more talking to her friends.

 

Now think of one for you? What boundary is of crucial importance to you?

 

Plus, she gave her permission to talk with the insurance company regarding the health insurance.

 

That doesn't sound like the same scenario with her friends. And her friends are sick of it too.