Celebrating the end

[imsosad]

Like Jenkins, my A was 100% a mistake.

I wish i could undo it.

My H and i fell in love at first sight. That was two decades ago. I love him very much and latey feel as though i am fallg in love with him again, mainly because we have been giving lots of attention to each other and to our R.

I did feel in love with my AP. That too, was love at first sight for both of us (though i do doubt his sincerity now, i dont know if it's a defense mechanism to minimise its meaning to me or because i see him more clearly. In any event, it was for sure at least a mutual infatuation)

It was a mistake, worst of my life to this day.

Still, had we met before, im fairly sure we would have fallen in love and been together long term.

Knowing what i know about how he treats his wife, i am thankful i did not meet him first.

Ultimately, my love for my H just cant compare to.anything else, even if my actions and emotions contradicted this statement for a while.

Hope i made sense.

[jenkins95]

Hi Noideanow, thanks again for your great contributions and your awkward questions ;-) Just what we need!

 

If I went back to the very first time I spoke to my AP, I would be pleasant, friendly and have the nice, long, polite, stimulating, agreeable, conversation just like we actually had that time, because it was really nice - and harmless. The difference is that I wouldn't engineer an opportunity to meet again and include it suggestively in the conversation. I would simply say goodbye, wish her all the very best and then do a 180 and keep on walking in the opposite direction.

 

Worst mistake I ever made - never to be repeated! If I could undo it, I 100% would.

 

....and just to answer the second part of your question Noideanow. Well, she was meant to be a distraction! But yes, I stupidly went and fell in love with her! I guess we are all students at the university at life, aren't we? It's just that some learn a harder way than others!

[jenkins95]

Like Jenkins, my A was 100% a mistake.

I wish i could undo it.

My H and i fell in love at first sight. That was two decades ago. I love him very much and latey feel as though i am fallg in love with him again, mainly because we have been giving lots of attention to each other and to our R.

I did feel in love with my AP. That too, was love at first sight for both of us (though i do doubt his sincerity now, i dont know if it's a defense mechanism to minimise its meaning to me or because i see him more clearly. In any event, it was for sure at least a mutual infatuation)

It was a mistake, worst of my life to this day.

Still, had we met before, im fairly sure we would have fallen in love and been together long term.

Knowing what i know about how he treats his wife, i am thankful i did not meet him first.

Ultimately, my love for my H just cant compare to.anything else, even if my actions and emotions contradicted this statement for a while.

Hope i made sense.

 

This is a great post imsosad - I would say that you are the sixth person to make me cry on this thread.....but you already did - I think you were the third! ;-) ). This post shows that you are absolutely on the right path for you, and will get there if you just stay on it - you are great!

 

I too fell in love with my W at first site - just about the most beautiful memory I have is seeing her beaming face for the first time and immediately knowing that something very special was happening. Two decades of 'normal' life, and some other issues (that I should have spoken about instead of internalising) led me to be selfish and stupid and lose sight of what I had. I regret it and my actions hurt several people.

 

I am so glad that you are feeling those flickers of being in love return between you and H......I am feeling that too and it's lovely! When you have that connection, you just need time, commitment and investment together and those feelings come naturally. I had got so caught up in the grind of life and spent far too much time away from the family home, because my work was 'so important'. When I came back home, I was often tired and distant. These were some of the earliest steps toward A land when I think back. I have learned that it is great to enjoy your career, but there's nothing more important than a happy family home - a job is just a job at the end of the day.

 

Keep going imsosad.....

 

There is one thing you will need to change soon - your name! Same goes for Grey Cloud!

Edited February 19, 2016 by jenkins95

[Cappycorny]

Congrats. I'm new into something I know I probably should not be into but I enjoy the sex. It's really hard to think of that not being available to me at this point even though the more things I read here and the more thoughts people put in my head the more I'm questioning things. I think it's great you had the strength to walk away. Great job.

[rainbowsandkittens]

This has been such an interesting thread. I'm going to go back and read it again this weekend.

 

To be honest it's made me very sad though- thinking that my AP never really cared about/ loved me in the sort of big, crazy, all consuming love that Jenkins mentioned. And that I'll never have the mature, deep, meaningful love that Liam talked about (I know other people have mentioned it too but those stuck out to me.) It leaves me feeling sort of adrift. And lonely- as if I could get any lonelier.

 

I recognize so much of my AP in the things said here- I do think he was in love with his BS when they met- the one story he told me about when they first dated was very telling. But I think kids, work (he's a total workaholic) and stress of life got in the way. When he broke up with me he told me that when we first started he thought he was staying with her out of duty but that he then realized he was staying "because of feelings." I don't know what, if anything, changed. He's in therapy now, so I think that's helping. But he's a serial cheater so who knows if this will last. And honestly, who knows if he was even telling me the truth about any of it.

 

I always used to say that I was wary of relationships that spark so quickly in the beginning bc they are bound to flame out just as suddenly. But then I met him and it was instant. And he seemed to feel the same way. Which... is very very rare for me to find.

 

Anyway, thank you all for contributing to this thread. It's given me a lot to think about.

 

And I'm happy for all the people who have worked their way past their As. Etiher the couples who are getting or have gotten the spark back with their BSs. Or the ones who have used it as a catalyst to change your lives. Either way it takes real guts.

[Popsicle]

I don't think any of it matters. I'm fairly certain my xMM never loved his wife. He married late in life and it was a marriage of convenience and practicality for them both, almost akin to an arranged marriage. I've always said that those type of marriages last the longest and are the most solid because it's all business and they have made the conscious decision that they are good with this. No thoughts of love or any of that silly juvenile stuff. It's all business and they make a great team together. So the affair and all these feelings that he had safely filed away, unexpectedly smacked him in the face and he was confused and didn't know what to do. This was not in the plan. I felt bad and ended it before he was ready but I knew what the outcome would be. It doesn't matter.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Noideanow, thanks again for your great contributions and your awkward questions ;-) Just what we need!

 

If I went back to the very first time I spoke to my AP, I would be pleasant, friendly and have the nice, long, polite, stimulating, agreeable, conversation just like we actually had that time, because it was really nice - and harmless. The difference is that I wouldn't engineer an opportunity to meet again and include it suggestively in the conversation. I would simply say goodbye, wish her all the very best and then do a 180 and keep on walking in the opposite direction.

 

Worst mistake I ever made - never to be repeated! If I could undo it, I 100% would.

 

This is an interesting discussion in terms of turning back time. What gets me is that my AP and I worked together for a full two years before the affair even happened! I NEVER thought of him in that way in those 2 years. We were professional work colleagues, nothing more. I knew he was married with two kids and the extent of our personal conversation was how much sleep we had got the night before as we both had small children who woke early! No instant attraction or infatuation. Then it was our work Christmas party, December 2014. He got drunk and admitted he was attracted to me. I was shocked. Even in that same conversation I remember him saying that he loved his wife and would never do anything. We shared a cab home and he went to hold my hand. I pulled my hand away. I remember thinking I hope he doesn't try and kiss me because that would be really awkward. I wanted nothing to do with him in they way! The next morning I had an email from him saying he apologised for his behaviour and he was really embarrassed. That should have been the end of the story.

 

At work the following week it was like we suddenly had a 'secret'. We were acting professional but I kept re-playing his conversation in my head and I enjoyed the ego boost thinking he liked me. I started thinking about him way more then I should have. Our conversations and emails started to become more frequent and more personal. Three months after that Xmas party he invited me out for a drink after work. I knew it was a mistake. I knew that something could potentially happen. And yet the intrigue and curiosity got the better of me and against my better judgement I went and that was the night we first kissed and the affair started. We managed to hold off on having sex for another 8 months and by that stage we both had become emotionally attached and knew things were out of control. 6 weeks later it was over and he now works somewhere else.

 

If I could turn back time I would go back to my original opinion of him - that he was a bit of a player. I would have accepted his apology after the work Christmas party and not thought about him again. Instead I got sucked into the attention, the ego-boost. Which is why I believe I was never in love with him, I was in love with the 'high', the rush. Which has made me question my whole character and integrity. But I think it was things I was missing in my marriage at the time that I ended up seeking elsewhere.

 

100% a mistake.

[Grey Cloud]

Congrats. I'm new into something I know I probably should not be into but I enjoy the sex. It's really hard to think of that not being available to me at this point even though the more things I read here and the more thoughts people put in my head the more I'm questioning things. I think it's great you had the strength to walk away. Great job.

 

Hi Cappy, I remember googling as far back as July last year "how to end an affair" and it said you have to be "wanting as well as WILLING". At that stage I wanted to get out but deep down I wasn't willing to make the steps to end it permanently. It took me another 7 months to get to that point! I hope all of our experiences start helping you. If I had of gone on to LS earlier maybe I would have questioned things as well. Instead I only came here when I was at my lowest point.

Edited February 20, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[Popsicle]

Grey Cloud, in the moments when you were interacting with your xMM, did you ever think about your H? Sorry if this is a curious question, but I know that when I interacted with my xMM I NEVER thought about his wife, it was just us, us, us, him, him, him, and how good it felt. I was high and that is what kept me going me in those moments. But, when we weren't interacting all I could think about was that he was married and his wife and kids and all the messed up things about the situation. I never thought about that when we were together though. I ask because I always wondered what xMM thought and what was going through his mind, most especially, did he think about his wife in the moments that he was with me or was he compartmentalizing, as well?

[Grey Cloud]

Grey Cloud, in the moments when you were interacting with your xMM, did you ever think about your H? Sorry if this is a curious question, but I know that when I interacted with my xMM I NEVER thought about his wife, it was just us, us, us, him, him, him, and how good it felt. I was high and that is what kept me going me in those moments. But, when we weren't interacting all I could think about was that he was married and his wife and kids and all the messed up things about the situation. I never thought about that when we were together though. I ask because I always wondered what xMM thought and what was going through his mind, most especially, did he think about his wife in the moments that he was with me or was he compartmentalizing, as well?

 

Hi Popsicle,

 

I would have to agree with you. That those times I was with my xMM I just thought about him. We were fully in our own bubble. Because we worked together it was like I was living a separate work life and home life. Of course when I went home I started thinking how messed up it all was and felt bad. Especially because the out of hours contact with my AP was increasing which meant it was harder to keep compartmentalizing. Towards the end I would get jealous of the times he would mention his wife and it suddenly hit me that I couldn't keep it all separate. From xMM point of view he said he always managed to compartmentalize the times he was with me. The times he would start pulling back from me was when he said thoughts of me kept intruding at home. But he must have been acting weird at home quite often because his wife got totally suspicious - she kept asking why he was being so secretive with his phone, who was he texting all the time and was he having an affair. So maybe he wasn't doing such a good job of compartmentalizing after all! I think sometimes the problem is you aren't thinking of your husband and wife so much but the affair partner!

[jenkins95]

"Parallel universes" is another great term to describe it. It's a universe that is intoxicating, exciting and makes you feel alive. However it is not real and before long the parallel universes start colliding and you are inevitably faced with reality again. I don't long for my AP as much as I do the escape of the high of the bubble. However it is not sustainable.

 

Absolutely! And the longer you spend in that atmosphere - that bubble, the more you start to depend on it, the more difficult it is to escape, the more trapped you feel. At the same time, the reality of what you are doing catches up with you along with a whole host of unwanted emotions - fear, guilt, regret, confusion, paranoia, anguish. What a dark, lonely place 3am can feel like when you can't sleep for worrying, while your unknowing spouse sleeps contentedly right next to you.

 

......I also didn't like the person I had become - needy, obsessive, jealous, desperate. I knew I wanted to step away from that person and work on getting back to my normal self. I also realised that I had to face the issues in my marriage and not run away. I didn't want to throw it away and knew I wanted to work on it. This couldn't happen if I stayed in the affair.

 

Very well said as always. You do describe things well. It's funny how we can suddenly realise where we are and what we have become in our affair, sometimes almost unexpectedly - like we were unaware that all the little steps we have been taking would eventually take us to that point. The realisation of the mess we are in can hit us like a smack in the face.

 

I didn't feel as much guilt as I should have during the affair. The guilt hit me like a ton of bricks once the affair was over and I was thinking more clearly. But I am glad I feel like this so I will always protect my marriage and not get myself into the same situation again.

 

Again, I agree. I was so in denial in the early days of the affair - I didn't even use the word 'affair' to myself until we had been physical several times. I compartmentalised and tried to brush it off in my mind as a mini-crisis that would pass and that it was no big deal! Indredible really that I could be so stupid. When I really acknowledged to myself what I was doing, the guilt and regret started to pile on and on. Even when I was with my AP, and enjoying myself in the bubble, at the back of my mind I was longing for the 'simpler', less complicated, more innocent existence that I'd had only months before.

 

......for me I think I can re capture that again knowing the grass is not greener. I don't think my M was fundamentally flawed, we got stuck in a rut. And I am prepared to give it my best shot before walking away from it all. If anything the affair opened my eyes and made me realise I was still IN love with my H. I realise some affairs have the opposite effect though.

 

Yes, yes, yes! I think all marriages will have issues, surely it's inevitable. The key is to communicate. Escaping into an affair is never the answer. My affair did damage to me mentally and I hurt my wife a lot. But we are using this awful experience to fix our marriage and make it better. One of my biggest issues is that I am a people pleaser and a conflict avoider. I wrote a bit about this last summer when I first joined here. Internalising my issues was definitely one of the causing factors that distanced me from my wife and led to my affair. When I started talking (really talking) to my wife post affair, not just about the A but about these other issues, I realised how good it is to talk, how connected it can make you feel to share your issues rather than keep them to yourself, and most of all that issues that I thought were black and white and insurmountable, are actually just challenges for which healthy solutions can be found. Most of this is the very essence of a mature marriage. I think I wanted my marriage to be too perfect and not to trouble my wife with my issues - very flawed thinking, and look where it led me. I am realising that very little is actually insurmountable. I think possibly the biggest lesson I take home from my A is never to stop talking to, communicating and connecting to my wife

 

Jenkins - you are awesome! So perceptive and caring. Thank you for thinking I am one of the ones that will fully recover. I believe it deep down too on my good days ...........Thank you for your hug!

 

You are awesome too, Grey Cloud! Thank you too for all your support! Here's another hug! (((GC)))

[jenkins95]

To be honest it's made me very sad though- thinking that my AP never really cared about/ loved me in the sort of big, crazy, all consuming love that Jenkins mentioned. And that I'll never have the mature, deep, meaningful love that Liam talked about (I know other people have mentioned it too but those stuck out to me.) It leaves me feeling sort of adrift. And lonely- as if I could get any lonelier.

 

rainbowsandkittens - just wanted to send you a little (((hug))). I know you are in a tough place, and the line 'It leaves me feeling sort of adrift. And lonely- as if I could get any lonelier' really, really touched me.

 

Is your story on these boards? I am going to do some searching now and try to find your threads. I'm sure your AP loved you in their own unique way and that they will never forget you. I speak a lot about my regret of having an affair in my posts, and that is genuine. But it doesn't changed the fact that I loved my AP, will never forget her and will always think of her from time to time and will her to have a happy life. In some way, she will always be a part of me.

 

When you say you will 'never have the mature, deep, meaningful love that Liam talked about', perhaps you will not have this with your AP. But you deserve a partner that loves you and is 100% committed to just you. When you meet that guy - then you will find that love that you so deserve. I know you're in a sad place now, but the future has so much potential.

 

Anyway, you are never alone here - we are here for you and you are here for us. I know it isn't the same as real life, but it does mean a lot. This place has been lie a rock for me at times.

 

I wish you all the very best in the world rainbows - keep posting!

[minimariah]

This touches me immensely, and really means a lot to me and shows the value of this place as a community.

 

i do remember!

 

& just to be clear -- i think you're on the right road. you made one decision and you're sticking with it. that's a good thing... time will show will that decision work out for you or not.

 

i might come off as anti reconciliation - but that's far from true. i just like to encourage conversations about EVERYTHING... including the possibility that your AP is the one for you. so don't be shy exploring every possible feeling you might have.

[minimariah]

But I think it was things I was missing in my marriage at the time that I ended up seeking elsewhere.

 

^ bingo. a LOT of the affairs start that way - with people ee barely noticed before. they show interest and suddenly -- it's like somebody turned a switch ON or something... you become aware and see that person in a brand new light. affairs like that are primarly motivated by something missing in the life & marriage... a lot is left vulnerable and affairs are easy to start.

 

sometimes we aren't aware of how unhappy we are until someone else shows us.

[jenkins95]

i do remember!

 

& just to be clear -- i think you're on the right road. you made one decision and you're sticking with it. that's a good thing... time will show will that decision work out for you or not.

 

i might come off as anti reconciliation - but that's far from true. i just like to encourage conversations about EVERYTHING... including the possibility that your AP is the one for you. so don't be shy exploring every possible feeling you might have.

 

Thanks mariah! I have read your posts many, many times, and will continue to do so. The little exchange you had with Liam was truly absorbing - it is a classic bit of LS debating that I hope very many, many people read. Great wisdom posted respectfully by intelligent people who know what they're talking about and know how to debate! In fact this whole thread is becoming so interesting that I think we should take the content, edit it and produce our very own affair guide book! Why not make a bit of money out of our misfortunes!? ;-)

 

I really enjoy reading varied viewpoints and those that challenge the path that I have chosen. At the same time, it is comforting to meet other posters like Grey Cloud, Liam and Imsosad, etc who have chosen the same path as me from similar circumstances - it kind of validates me and gives me confidence that I did the right thing. What you have written is excellent, has given me food for thought and I totally agree that we shouldn't close off any lines of thought as we try to recover, understand ourselves and move on.

 

I am looking forward to a few non work days coming up where I can add my thoughts to that debate. I am really touched and thankful that you took the time (and quite a bit of it I would imagine) to look personally at my situation and provide feedback specifically to me, which is hopefully also useful to GC and the gang. It really means a lot and I thank you.

 

I really hope you are keeping well too! Keep posting please - I love your writing style.

[Grey Cloud]

^ bingo. a LOT of the affairs start that way - with people ee barely noticed before. they show interest and suddenly -- it's like somebody turned a switch ON or something... you become aware and see that person in a brand new light. affairs like that are primarly motivated by something missing in the life & marriage... a lot is left vulnerable and affairs are easy to start.

 

sometimes we aren't aware of how unhappy we are until someone else shows us.

 

Thank you minimariah, that explanation makes complete sense to me. I have often reflected why I only found my AP attractive and interesting AFTER he said something to me about how he felt. If he had of walked past me on the street as a stranger I don't think I would even give him a second glance! But I latched on to him obviously because something was missing. In that sense it has been a wake up call to me, to not live in Ground Hog Day and work on the things within myself and my M to fix the issues. As an A is not the answer even if temporarily it made me feel happy because it was an escape. Thanks for the insight!

[jenkins95]

Fascinating to read more of your story this morning Grey Cloud. Office Chritmas parties have a lot to answer for ;-)

 

I totally relate to the fact that it started as something quite small, but that a little 'secret' had developed between you, which eventually drew you both in. I also relate to how easily these things get out of control and end up giving us so much grief.

 

Hi Cappy, I remember googling as far back as July last year "how to end an affair"...........

 

Oh Grey Cloud, this made me smile! When we start googling (usually alone, in secret incognito windows) things such as "how to end an affair", "do I love my affair partner/wife", "how often do affair partners successfully marry", "how do I recover from my affair" - I think that's when we finally know we have got it bad! And we always search for the posts that most closely say what we want to hear (and try to ignore the others!)!

 

Sound familiar guys? We've all been there, haven't we?

[imsosad]

Fascinating to read more of your story this morning Grey Cloud. Office Chritmas parties have a lot to answer for ;-)

 

I totally relate to the fact that it started as something quite small, but that a little 'secret' had developed between you, which eventually drew you both in. I also relate to how easily these things get out of control and end up giving us so much grief.

 

 

 

Oh Grey Cloud, this made me smile! When we start googling (usually alone, in secret incognito windows) things such as "how to end an affair", "do I love my affair partner/wife", "how often do affair partners successfully marry", "how do I recover from my affair" - I think that's when we finally know we have got it bad! And we always search for the posts that most closely say what we want to hear (and try to ignore the others!)!

 

Sound familiar guys? We've all been there, haven't we?

 

Jenkins, it's like you've been through my search history:)

My first search was 'affair end up together'

That was a very sobering experience. Affair fog? What? This is not affair fog,we are really in love!

Does sound alot like us,though.

Read some more.

Found the dismal stats about R born out of A.

Read some more.

Read about how A dont neccesarily end M, but can be a catalyst to a better M.

Like you guys, read about types of A, feeling torn between H and AP, about how long A go on for...99% of the sites and posts painted a very dark, but convincing, picture of A.

I have to say,though. I think all that information helped me see things more clearly and make good decisions. Without being hit with a ton of bricks by all the sites and post, i probably would have carried on longer than i did. I also wouldnt have gone NC, but would have tried to stay friends or something of the sort.

I can smile about it now, how basically similar our experiences are, right down to web searches.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins, it's like you've been through my search history:)

My first search was 'affair end up together'

That was a very sobering experience. Affair fog? What? This is not affair fog,we are really in love!

Does sound alot like us,though.

Read some more.

Found the dismal stats about R born out of A.

Read some more.

Read about how A dont neccesarily end M, but can be a catalyst to a better M.

Like you guys, read about types of A, feeling torn between H and AP, about how long A go on for...99% of the sites and posts painted a very dark, but convincing, picture of A.

I have to say,though. I think all that information helped me see things more clearly and make good decisions. Without being hit with a ton of bricks by all the sites and post, i probably would have carried on longer than i did. I also wouldnt have gone NC, but would have tried to stay friends or something of the sort.

I can smile about it now, how basically similar our experiences are, right down to web searches.

 

imsosad! Yes! You mention "torn". That was another one I used a lot...."torn between wife and affair partner - please help!", etc, etc.

 

You are right, it is amazing how similar our experiences are......and I'll bet we have read many of the same articles. When I really got into it, I realised that I was a walking cliche! Some of my favourite articles, I go back to time and time again during weaker moments and read very carefully word for word - it helps me put things back on track and stay on the right path. One great blog/forum I found was this one:

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/

 

which was established and maintained by a former WH who was recovering from his own A. It is no longer active as a blog, because the author found that he had got to the stage in is own recovery where he wanted to distance himself from constant affair-related blogging. I understand and applaud him for that. He actually comes across as so similar to me that it is almost frightening - I instantly related to him and almost everything he said immediately made sense and clarified my own mind. I found his articles a huge help and he has become something of a role-model for myself. I'd be very interested to see any other posters' favourite articles, blogs, etc.

 

Those google searches also led me here - and I rejoice that day. You guys are wonderful!

 

I hope your weekend is going well all

[lemondrop21]

Random note regarding the "Affair Advice" blog referenced by GreyCloud... I do think many of his posts are well-written, but one thing I noted is that his OW turned out to be the VERY unstable bunny-boiler type after the affair ended. I would think that would make it a bit easier for someone to stay in recovery with their spouse and to feel that the whole affair was a huge mistake. If you can look back on the xAP as a legitimate option, that is harder to recover from, I think.

[Popsicle]

I liked Esther Perel. Although she doesn't offer much help to single OW/OM, it was still enlightening what she has to say.

[Grey Cloud]

imsosad! Yes! You mention "torn". That was another one I used a lot...."torn between wife and affair partner - please help!", etc, etc.

 

You are right, it is amazing how similar our experiences are......and I'll bet we have read many of the same articles. When I really got into it, I realised that I was a walking cliche! Some of my favourite articles, I go back to time and time again during weaker moments and read very carefully word for word - it helps me put things back on track and stay on the right path. One great blog/forum I found was this one:

 

https://affairadvice.wordpress.com/

 

which was established and maintained by a former WH who was recovering from his own A. It is no longer active as a blog, because the author found that he had got to the stage in is own recovery where he wanted to distance himself from constant affair-related blogging. I understand and applaud him for that. He actually comes across as so similar to me that it is almost frightening - I instantly related to him and almost everything he said immediately made sense and clarified my own mind. I found his articles a huge help and he has become something of a role-model for myself. I'd be very interested to see any other posters' favourite articles, blogs, etc.

 

Those google searches also led me here - and I rejoice that day. You guys are wonderful!

 

I hope your weekend is going well all

 

Jenkins - I've just spent the last couple of hours reading through all the articles in that blog link you posted. So much of it reasonated with me - how affairs start, unmet needs in marriage etc etc. I will definitely go back and re-read whenever I need reminding about things. Thanks for sharing!

[William]

While sharing information resources is acceptable, as is linking to non-commercial sites, we prefer discussions to remain focused on member's topics posted here rather than on competing web sites. So, with the resource available to any who chose to peruse it, let's get back to celebrating the end of an affair and member's opinions on that topic. Thanks!

[Grey Cloud]

Does anyone believe in that stuff that says it takes half as long to recover depending on the length of the A/relationship. So that would mean a 1 year affair would take approx 6 months to get over? I guess time will tell, lol. I just wish I was at the stage when I didn't think about it EVERY single day. It's like the first thing I think about as soon as I wake up the mornings. And it's not necessarily just about missing the AP, but thoughts of how did I let myself get into this mess, guilt and wishing I was just back to feeling like my normal self. I know I can't rush the process but it sure does suck when you are in the middle of it all!!

[lemondrop21]

Does anyone believe in that stuff that says it takes half as long to recover depending on the length of the A/relationship. So that would mean a 1 year affair would take approx 6 months to get over? I guess time will tell, lol. I just wish I was at the stage when I didn't think about it EVERY single day. It's like the first thing I think about as soon as I wake up the mornings. And it's not necessarily just about missing the AP, but thoughts of how did I let myself get into this mess, guilt and wishing I was just back to feeling like my normal self. I know I can't rush the process but it sure does suck when you are in the middle of it all!!

 

Unfortunately I don't believe the half as long thing. I believe it's different for everyone depending on your own personal history, the seriousness of the A, your primary relationship if applicable, and so on.

 

My guess is that for WS it would tend to take longer than for single OW/OM if the affair was emotional and part of you still wanted the AP? I can't imagine trying to get over someone while simultaneously trying to put love, attention, and effort into my marriage (assuming I want to save it). As a single OW, I am really needing my days where I can wallow and not talk to people, which is impossible with a spouse and family. So it seems inevitable that working through those feelings would take longer.

 

On the other hand, if you had a DDay and the reality of everything you could potentially lose really caught up with you... as well as the reality of the immense pain you caused your spouse... and you knew without a doubt that you wanted to save the marriage... then perhaps it would be a quicker healing process in terms of getting over the longing for the AP. Just my guess as I'm not actually MW!