Celebrating the end

[solonely9]

Good point, Adoraxx.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi, Grey Cloud.

 

I'm glad that these email exchange didn't set you back.

 

Your XMM sounds a lot like mine - rational, made up his mind, moving on, because he has to, out of sight, out of mind... He always used to tell me how disciplined and determined he can be, and how easy it is for him to pull the plug with people when necessary. I don't blame him. That's what works for him.

 

I don't understand one thing only. Why is he keep on asking you how your situation is?

 

Hugs.

 

Because he is scared I am going to disclose everything to my H. There was no d-day. And because I have so much guilt he is worried I am going to break down and reveal all. It's only to protect his own ass basically!

[solonely9]

He is such a jerk. It is all about him, isn't it

[Grey Cloud]

He is such a jerk. It is all about him, isn't it

 

Hahaha - thanks for making me laugh out loud Solonely! Yep, right on the money, a jerk indeed! He actually even said that in the emails today - that he wants to be "friends" but worries if that is the best thing for me. Because if I forget about him completely I'm less likely to want to tell the truth!! All about protecting his world. It's lucky there was no d-day in the sense that I know I would have been COMPLETELY thrown under the bus. I know that for a fact. He told his best friend about the A (as his best friend has cheated before) and at the time I said what if he says something? And he said he won't because I have dirt on him and besides if anything ever got out I would deny the crap out of it!

[Lovetoohard]

Grey Cloud, I just wanted to drop a note to say that you are sounding stronger as the days go by. I am glad you've moved away from the anger stage. In addition to the negative physiological reactions, I find that anger makes me feel out of control and clouds rational thinking. I still get angry from time to time, but it's not necessarily directed at xMM - it's more about the negative and long lasting impact the affair has had on me. Forgiveness is what really helped me feel at peace. This is the way I think of it - how can someone without a sound mind be held liable for their actions? I know the counter argument to that is that we're all adults and we knowingly got into these toxic relationships, but I honestly believe that we were so clouded in our judgement in that period of time, that we lost all sense of making good decisions. I'm applying this logic to everyone in the affair, xMM included. Of course, now that we're reflecting on it with clarity, we're dealing with the remorse and guilt and getting our "real" lives back on track.

 

So speaking of "real life," your xMM says that all's well at home and he's happy. I don't believe in speculating on the state of his marriage, nor do I think I would take what he says about how happy he is at face value. People don't just become "happy" overnight. Even if xMM said he was happy in his marriage while in the affair, I don't buy it. He probably lacks the emotional intelligence to identify the root of his unhappiness, or maybe he's in denial, but regardless of what it is, a person who genuinely feels happy in their marriage doesn't stray from it. That is his world though and he has to figure it out on his own. He's made the pragmatic choice to focus on his marriage and that's respectable. I actually took the little nuggets of the emails you shared as an ego boost for you as you've still clearly got enough of a hold on him where he's reiterating the best course of action for him versus intrusive thoughts of you. If out of sight, out of mind, is what helps him and his marriage, then that's the boundary that needs to be respected. The best you can do is hope he is happy. As far as being "friends," I don't know that you can truly be friends after this. Maybe with time and if your paths are bound to cross in a professional, career setting, it may naturally happen, but it's too raw right now. And finally, whether he's leaving that door open a crack or not and for what reason is an answer you will never get. And it doesn't even matter. What matters is that you've shut that door on your end.

 

As far as you are concerned, you're also making a pragmatic choice. You're working on your marriage and it's going to be a process, but at least your focus and priority is your H now. I recall you mentioning that you've planned a lovely vacation soon? Hope you're excited for that! How is H feeling about it? Feel free to share what other steps you've been taking to reconnect with your H.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Jersey born raised]

Those dark thoughts part of you think. They are true. This and only this would make me say I was wrong,

 

NC for six months, an email with a finalized divorce decree, and a note that stated "I let you go and that was a mistake. I have divorced, left my job, obtained employment and housing near you, but far enough away we will not run into each other. This I know: I want you, if you have truly moved on that is on me and I accept it. But I will not settle for a woman who dies not have your character again. You have my phone number, you know where I live, you have my number. I will not contact you again out of respect. I will stay alone for the next year before at attempting to move on.". xxx

 

Still think you would be buying a lottery ticket, but would agree the oddsvare better. Money talks, you know what walks.

 

If you really want him to take a powder by scaring him away, tell him you are filing for D so you can be with him. I had a female friend that said to a couple of guys here you go have fun with a player.

 

I regret not leaving and having your baby.

I want you baby,

Please can't I have you babe.

I am filing.

I can't live without you

Daily notes "we must have a baby" pics of babies with notes "ours WILL be so much prettier.

Pixs (never selfless)from porn sites with a note "I want this with you" (st one point pix of female Dom with whip spanking bound guy.

 

He finally called and started to vent. She demand to know what he was talking about, claimed a GF must have stolen the password and giving it to her boyfriend and his friends, she had no idea. Had forgotten to delete the account, she will delete the account, why the hell didn't delete his account, why the hell didn't he call her sooner, done is done, thanks for the memorues stay the hell out of her life, click.

 

I read the messages didn't write any. I did said a paternity suit on a dummy letter head, a dummy law firm, a dummy woman once. with a number to a free gay web site (he was a homophobic) ******* was stomping around for a month about some ass hat. At least it shut him up about all the woman he scored.

[Pili-Pala]

Jersey born raised - I have absolutely zero idea what you are going on about. Though not too bothered by that tbh.

 

GC - I second what solonely said!!! What an idiot. The thought "yeah you keep telling yourself that mate!" comes to mind when I read his emails. Glad you aren't analysing and are looking to move on from it. Also glad you are out of the anger stage (if you were in that? Not that sure you were?). I completely agree with lovetoohard that I find when I am in anger it makes me feel less in control and clouds my rational thinking (and therefore threatens my NC willpower). Luckily it seems to be rare, but when I do find myself in anger, I really focus on trying to get out of that as soon as possible. Sometimes forcing myself into lockdown and sleep as I know I wake up with a different head on. Though granted the sleep can be hard to come.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Pili-Pala

[Grey Cloud]

Jersey born raised - I have absolutely zero idea what you are going on about. Though not too bothered by that tbh.

 

GC - I second what solonely said!!! What an idiot. The thought "yeah you keep telling yourself that mate!" comes to mind when I read his emails. Glad you aren't analysing and are looking to move on from it. Also glad you are out of the anger stage (if you were in that? Not that sure you were?). I completely agree with lovetoohard that I find when I am in anger it makes me feel less in control and clouds my rational thinking (and therefore threatens my NC willpower). Luckily it seems to be rare, but when I do find myself in anger, I really focus on trying to get out of that as soon as possible. Sometimes forcing myself into lockdown and sleep as I know I wake up with a different head on. Though granted the sleep can be hard to come.

 

PP - oh, don't worry I was definitely in the anger phase! I was struggling with so many things - the end of the A, the fact I had lost my support at work, the fact I was never going to see him again coupled with massive guilt about my H, his W - everything was all consuming. And what did I see from him? Someone who seemed to have absolved himself of guilt because we never got found out. Someone giving himself a pat on the back because we were strong enough to end the A. I was angry at him but mostly angry at myself for getting into this mess to start with. I wanted him to hurt, to show he was a little bit sad. I just saw mainly relief from him. He couldn't juggle me and his w and it wasn't fun and light anymore.

 

And yep, how many times can one say "things are great at home". I think the more he says it the more he can convince himself!

[Grey Cloud]

Grey Cloud, I just wanted to drop a note to say that you are sounding stronger as the days go by. I am glad you've moved away from the anger stage. In addition to the negative physiological reactions, I find that anger makes me feel out of control and clouds rational thinking. I still get angry from time to time, but it's not necessarily directed at xMM - it's more about the negative and long lasting impact the affair has had on me. Forgiveness is what really helped me feel at peace. This is the way I think of it - how can someone without a sound mind be held liable for their actions? I know the counter argument to that is that we're all adults and we knowingly got into these toxic relationships, but I honestly believe that we were so clouded in our judgement in that period of time, that we lost all sense of making good decisions. I'm applying this logic to everyone in the affair, xMM included. Of course, now that we're reflecting on it with clarity, we're dealing with the remorse and guilt and getting our "real" lives back on track.

 

So speaking of "real life," your xMM says that all's well at home and he's happy. I don't believe in speculating on the state of his marriage, nor do I think I would take what he says about how happy he is at face value. People don't just become "happy" overnight. Even if xMM said he was happy in his marriage while in the affair, I don't buy it. He probably lacks the emotional intelligence to identify the root of his unhappiness, or maybe he's in denial, but regardless of what it is, a person who genuinely feels happy in their marriage doesn't stray from it. That is his world though and he has to figure it out on his own. He's made the pragmatic choice to focus on his marriage and that's respectable. I actually took the little nuggets of the emails you shared as an ego boost for you as you've still clearly got enough of a hold on him where he's reiterating the best course of action for him versus intrusive thoughts of you. If out of sight, out of mind, is what helps him and his marriage, then that's the boundary that needs to be respected. The best you can do is hope he is happy. As far as being "friends," I don't know that you can truly be friends after this. Maybe with time and if your paths are bound to cross in a professional, career setting, it may naturally happen, but it's too raw right now. And finally, whether he's leaving that door open a crack or not and for what reason is an answer you will never get. And it doesn't even matter. What matters is that you've shut that door on your end.

 

As far as you are concerned, you're also making a pragmatic choice. You're working on your marriage and it's going to be a process, but at least your focus and priority is your H now. I recall you mentioning that you've planned a lovely vacation soon? Hope you're excited for that! How is H feeling about it? Feel free to share what other steps you've been taking to reconnect with your H.

 

Lovetoohard - thank you for your post, I feel like giving you a hug right now! Firstly I agree the anger made me like an irrational, crazy person. The last few weeks he was at work I was a mess. It's like I had no control over how I was acting. Apologising to xMM was something I had to do for me. My judgement was definitely clouded and I feel so much more at peace now.

 

I do feel stronger but I know enough about this process to realise that maybe I am only feeling calmer because I have had contact with xMM and once the ego boost of that wears off I will crash again! I would like to think not, that the A fog is not as strong anymore but I am prepared! I was also reading through some of my older posts and I definitely can see how far I have come compared to before. I am not "recovered" by any stretch but better than I was.

 

In terms of xMM reiterating constantly how happy he is - thank you for touching on this. He has said it so many times now and throughout the A - how he loved his w, he had a good marriage etc that in the end I stopped analysing and just accepted it at face value. I thought he was just an anomaly! I couldn't imagine getting into an A unless I was unhappy or it was fulfilling a void - all of which applied to me. But you have got me thinking! I think he was having some sort of midlife crisis and due to being conflict avoidant (as most MM appear to be?!) he buried his head in the sand without truly working out why.

 

I got many nuggets of information over the course of the A. He was apparently quite the "bad boy" in his 20's but when he met his w he was "reformed" and became the responsible husband and father. An image he desperately wanted to achieve as his Dad had been a serial cheat and he hadn't wanted to end up down the same path. When him and I got together he kept saying "I thought all this (the 'bad boy' stuff) had disappeared" and he struggled to deal with the old version of himself re-emerging from his 'good guy' loyal and devoted husband image.

 

Another nugget of info was about his w. He never spoke negatively about her but he did say that they had met overseas and she uprooted her life to move countries to be with him in his home country. She has no family or friends of her own here. She is very dependent on him. She is a SAHM and basically waits for him to get home from work for company. He found it difficult to go to the gym etc after work as she was waiting for him so they could do family stuff. She didn't have her mum or anyone else to call on to help with the kids or go on outings etc. her social life was based on his. He said he was encouraging her to find a part time job or a hobby or interest so she wouldn't be so reliant on him. I think the A represented a degree of freedom and independence for him - where he could have fun whilst not having to deal with responsibility.

 

He also let people and things bother and get to him at work but he would never do anything about it! It used to amaze me the things that bothered him and him reacting to things said. When he left work the CEO remarked to me that for all his bravado and confidence he was quite an insecure person underneath.

 

And lastly, his wife was someone he was originally friends with at work (familar story?!!) and he was engaged to someone else at the time! I am not sure if his wife was originally the other woman but needless to say he fell in love with her and split up with his fiancee to be with her. He said we went through a lot of crap and fallout during this period so when we were friends at work then became something more he could see the same pattern reoccurring all over again and knew he couldn't do or go through the same thing twice!

 

Anyway, sorry for the detail but it helps me to realise he has a lot of past issues that have shaped him but he hasn't quite necessarily dealt with them. He would be a very difficult person to be with full time in a relationship. Quite needy in his own way but I think his w adores him and looks up to him and he needs that. The minute I called him out on a few things he got quite angry and defensive! I think he is used to making all the decisions at home.

 

I am far from perfect either! But I really want to self reflect and understand the reasons why I did this and learn some lessons from it. Sadly, he will go through life not dealing with what happened and perhaps just happy he never got exposed and maintain that image that I talked about.

 

So is his life truly great and is he truly happy? Who knows but based on the above maybe not!! The more he repeats it the more he can believe it.

 

As for more interesting topics, my h and I reconnecting. I don't talk too much about him because of the tendency to get slammed by some posters. However my focus is now on him and he is reciprocating in spades. Yes, our life is routine and full of reality - kids, bills, home maintenance etc. but it's REAL! Not some empty bubble of fantasy. We are communicating better and things have really improved with out intimacy. I am looking forward to our mini break in June

Edited April 5, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[Grey Cloud]

Lovetoohard - to add to my above post, he is probably thinking he is happier at home because there is no longer any conflict!! Being Mr Conflict Avoidant! His wife was giving him grief about her suspicions that he was in an A which magically stopped when he found another job. His life at home has gone back to a relaxed, adoring and doting wife instead of a suspicious and upset/angry wife not to mention an emotional and up/down OW

He has peace in his life again!