Celebrating the end

[gettingstronger]

Celebrate the decision to invest in you?- sounds like a good idea to me- cheers!

[Owl6118]

But if someone like imsosad realises the wrong they are doing after a few months, ends it and completely recommits to their husband, vowing to learn from their mistakes and never stray again, don't you agree that they are no longer living a lie, but instead committing to a new, honest faithful future? Under these circumstances, don't you agree that putting it behind you and moving on is a better option than confessing and causing hurt to everyone involved.

 

We all make mistakes, and many people have secrets of things that we may have done in the past that we are not proud of - not necessarily just affairs. If we are genuinely remorseful and want to move on, can't we do that? Are we obliged to confess every mistake we have made?

 

I know this is a very controversial subject and it is interesting to hear different viewpoints. Have a nice day.

 

Since you seem sincere in your question, let me try to offer a sincere reply.

 

For me and me alone, I feel that transparency and full and compassionate disclosure of major transgressions are essential for two reasons. One reason is for the betrayer, and one for the betrayed.

 

For the betrayer, I feel that when one falls into the deep moral and spirtual hole of addiction--to alcohol, to drugs, or to the sedutive high of illicit emotional intimacy and or sex--the essential facilitator of one's self-destruction is the capacity to lie. It begins, always, with lying to myself first. Lying that my problems are larger or less surmountable than they really are, lying to myself that my resentments justify doing what I "need" to do to anesthatize them. Then when contemplation tips over to actions, lies become the essential facilitator. I know what I want is wrong and self-destructive. I cannot do it in the open becuase it is, actually and objectively, wrong, and I would be ashamed to be known to be doing it. People who love me would see me doing wrong, and intervene, and I would be ashamed.

 

But I want it. Lies enable me to do it.

 

It's in this context that learning to be truthful and transparent is so important to me as a betrayer (full disclosure, my personal betrayals were not infidelity but rather hidden substance abuse and mental illness). I want to be a person who no longer betrays myself or others. Confronting my lies, ending them, and even more, confronting relying on lies to escape accountability for my choices are essential to recovery of my selfhood. Lies are the mechanism of betrayal. As long as I continue to lie, I am a betrayer in potential, sick in habit and in practice, and not safe to love.

 

For the betrayed, I think what is needed is the faculty of empathy--stretching to imagine how the moral universe works for your betrayed partner. Gently, precisely becuase they ARE the loyal partner, they have demonstrated that they place a higher value on truthfulness and honesty than we do. They faced the same tests and trials, they were in the same marriage, they have their litany of disappointments. But they have proven by their lived choices that they faced all that with a committment to integrity.

 

For what its worth, i really beleive that if we seek healing and recovery, part of what we owe them is to take at face value that they value integrity. They have, after all, proved it already by living their life with it. Why would we not take the honesty or

of their life as abundant, lived proof that they prefer and expect honesty from us as well?

 

And the converse is also true. We are the ones who went down the road of self-deception, and other-deception. And now, in the wake of our self-authored ruin, we stand up and say, "I, with a proven recrod of deceiving myself and others, am confident that substituting my coping mechanism that got me here--lying--for the judgement of my partner, who has proven through his or her choices that integrity is what gets you through hard times with honor, is the best thing to do."

 

Said plainly like that, as it should be--well, do you find it persuasive?

 

I don't.

[Noideanow]

it seems at bit funny/tragic what some of you write in here, like you are a bunch of people encouraging each other and celebrating when you didnt eat for a day, the more you starve yourself the better:cool: it could be Called a love-disorder:confused: not allowing yourself love, sacrifizing yourself for the "benefit" of your partner/\ but i guess i dont understand, you really believe you Can be happy in the future in your current relationship?, thats where your motivation comes from, and maybe also faer of losing someone you know?

[Popsicle]

it seems at bit funny/tragic what some of you write in here, like you are a bunch of people encouraging each other and celebrating when you didnt eat for a day, the more you starve yourself the better:cool: it could be Called a love-disorder:confused: not allowing yourself love, sacrifizing yourself for the "benefit" of your partner/\ but i guess i dont understand, you really believe you Can be happy in the future in your current relationship?, thats where your motivation comes from, and maybe also faer of losing someone you know?

 

There is no way of knowing if you can be happy in the future in your current relationship without giving it a shot. Many people exist in their marriage without giving it 100% effort. You have to give it its proper effort before knowing if it works. Anyone who values marriage, affair or not, will want to do this before giving up.

[imsosad]

Grey, i want to support what jenkins wrote about recovery.

My first mistake was feeing pressure to heal quickly. I was quite obsessed with 'getting over it', probably because deep down i knew this would take a while. It is a lot to process.

My best friend was my confidant through this whole thing. She was lovely every step of the way, but she did think its weird i didnt just snap out of it. I remember confessing about three months in that i was not doing as great as i seemed to be. She was surprised, told me i should be way past it by now.

I wasnt.

I remember the first good day i had, i was sure that it was all behind me. It felt so good. Then, afew days later, i was thrown back. Its been like that for months. I feel better,somewhat 'over it' and then i feel like no time has passed and im back to square one.

Even though there are good days and bad days, on the whole i feel better.

The first months i was dealing with both missing my ap and obsessing over him and feeling guilty towards my h. For a while now i dont really feel like i agonize over my ap. Its not that i dont get jolts of emotion for him, but most of the time i am trying to figure out how i let this happen and how i can be a better wife.

Right after i went nc i used to get waves of pain and yearning. I thought of them like childbirth. You have to let it take over and breathe through it. I remember thinking-its a contraction, it will be over in a minute.

I dont mind if it takes time now. It should take time. Im glad my conscience is still working and giving me a hard time. Im glad that straying is such a shock to me. Im glad to be processing it. I want to figure out how and why this happened. Time is our friend.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Grey, i want to support what jenkins wrote about recovery.

My first mistake was feeing pressure to heal quickly. I was quite obsessed with 'getting over it', probably because deep down i knew this would take a while. It is a lot to process.

My best friend was my confidant through this whole thing. She was lovely every step of the way, but she did think its weird i didnt just snap out of it. I remember confessing about three months in that i was not doing as great as i seemed to be. She was surprised, told me i should be way past it by now.

I wasnt.

I remember the first good day i had, i was sure that it was all behind me. It felt so good. Then, afew days later, i was thrown back. Its been like that for months. I feel better,somewhat 'over it' and then i feel like no time has passed and im back to square one.

Even though there are good days and bad days, on the whole i feel better.

The first months i was dealing with both missing my ap and obsessing over him and feeling guilty towards my h. For a while now i dont really feel like i agonize over my ap. Its not that i dont get jolts of emotion for him, but most of the time i am trying to figure out how i let this happen and how i can be a better wife.

Right after i went nc i used to get waves of pain and yearning. I thought of them like childbirth. You have to let it take over and breathe through it. I remember thinking-its a contraction, it will be over in a minute.

I dont mind if it takes time now. It should take time. Im glad my conscience is still working and giving me a hard time. Im glad that straying is such a shock to me. Im glad to be processing it. I want to figure out how and why this happened. Time is our friend.

 

Hi I'msosad. I remember you. It's tough, I see so many names but I recognize you, Popsicle and a few others.

 

It takes time. I don't have any magic words other than telling my husband the truth helped me a lot. But that is up to you.

 

I'm 8 weeks out now and I can say I still have feelings for xMM but the pain has really diminished. I don't know. I have the assume the feelings will fade as I no longer have feelings for others from my past. He did email me this week and said that he is sorry he has been so mean these weeks, that he is struggling emotionally, his feelings were real, he still loves me and can't move forward. He felt he ruined my life and his as well and basically is a mess, falling apart, people commenting. I can't really help him and to be honest, he ignored me the last 8 weeks, so you know, I am not exactly feeling the warm fuzzies. I just said that it was natural to be upset, it was a break up and so on. I said that one thing I could tell him was that he did not ruin my life, I am okay. I said my H knows everything and just wants to move forward. The conversation did make me feel validated as since it ended, he ignored me and was very mean leaving me to feel like it was all a lie and I was a big fool.

 

I wouldn't say I am celebrating but I am not crying. I cried for 8 weeks and the tears have stopped.

[Popsicle]

Hi I'msosad. I remember you. It's tough, I see so many names but I recognize you, Popsicle and a few others.

 

It takes time. I don't have any magic words other than telling my husband the truth helped me a lot. But that is up to you.

 

I'm 8 weeks out now and I can say I still have feelings for xMM but the pain has really diminished. I don't know. I have the assume the feelings will fade as I no longer have feelings for others from my past. He did email me this week and said that he is sorry he has been so mean these weeks, that he is struggling emotionally, his feelings were real, he still loves me and can't move forward. He felt he ruined my life and his as well and basically is a mess, falling apart, people commenting. I can't really help him and to be honest, he ignored me the last 8 weeks, so you know, I am not exactly feeling the warm fuzzies. I just said that it was natural to be upset, it was a break up and so on. I said that one thing I could tell him was that he did not ruin my life, I am okay. I said my H knows everything and just wants to move forward. The conversation did make me feel validated as since it ended, he ignored me and was very mean leaving me to feel like it was all a lie and I was a big fool.

 

I wouldn't say I am celebrating but I am not crying. I cried for 8 weeks and the tears have stopped.

 

I am happy that he finally responded to you graciously. I know it helps a bit with recovery.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Grey Cloud! You got through another day - well done! How are you feeling today? The good days will be there soon! You are doing everything right! Yes, I have learned that recovery is not linear from one day to the next, either for the WS or the BS if they find out. But things do move gradually in the right direction and you suddenly realise one day that the good is outweighing the bad - more and more! Yes, don't beat yourself up if you have an unexpectedly bad day or find that you are pining for the AP. It is natural, just go with it and it will pass! You are doing amazingly well already!

 

I can't wait for our party - three confirmed attendees already ;-)

 

Hi Jenkins - yes, I got through another day! I woke up on the second day feeling terrible like I had been hit like a ton of bricks. The first thing I wanted to do was contact my xMM which was just not an option! But the day got better, I had a family gathering in the afternoon and it was the first time in a long time where I felt present and I didn't think of xMM for a few hours! I used to dread the weekends as because he was a co-worker I would see him at work so I used to long for Monday mornings and the weekends would drag. Crazy huh? It should be the other way around!!! That's interesting your observation about affairs seeming to last for one year. It certainly was the case for me. It was a rollercoaster year that's for sure! By the end I was such an emotional wreck and in way too deep in terms of the unhealthy attachment with my AP. Which is why it's so hard to disentangle yourself even though you know it's necessary.

[Grey Cloud]

Grey, i want to support what jenkins wrote about recovery.

My first mistake was feeing pressure to heal quickly. I was quite obsessed with 'getting over it', probably because deep down i knew this would take a while. It is a lot to process.

My best friend was my confidant through this whole thing. She was lovely every step of the way, but she did think its weird i didnt just snap out of it. I remember confessing about three months in that i was not doing as great as i seemed to be. She was surprised, told me i should be way past it by now.

I wasnt.

I remember the first good day i had, i was sure that it was all behind me. It felt so good. Then, afew days later, i was thrown back. Its been like that for months. I feel better,somewhat 'over it' and then i feel like no time has passed and im back to square one.

Even though there are good days and bad days, on the whole i feel better.

The first months i was dealing with both missing my ap and obsessing over him and feeling guilty towards my h. For a while now i dont really feel like i agonize over my ap. Its not that i dont get jolts of emotion for him, but most of the time i am trying to figure out how i let this happen and how i can be a better wife.

Right after i went nc i used to get waves of pain and yearning. I thought of them like childbirth. You have to let it take over and breathe through it. I remember thinking-its a contraction, it will be over in a minute.

I dont mind if it takes time now. It should take time. Im glad my conscience is still working and giving me a hard time. Im glad that straying is such a shock to me. Im glad to be processing it. I want to figure out how and why this happened. Time is our friend.

 

Imsosad- the fact it is so up and down and taking a while to process is a good thing. If you got over it quickly without learning from it would mean it could be easier to happen again. I NEVER want to go through this again so whatever is ahead of me in terms of recovery I'm prepared to go through to achieve that and a stronger marriage.

[Lovetoohard]

Good post Lovetoohard, and well done for passing an important landmark of one month. It sounds like you are doing really well and are a strong person. I admire you for resisting his attempt to break NC - that's tough and you did it.

 

Do you agree with me about recovery not being linear? i.e. yes, things in general move in a positive direction, but you can have good days and bad days, often quite unexpectedly? Is it the same for you? With me, I usually know as soon as I open my eyes in the morning whether the day is going to be good, bad or normal (whatever normal is post-A!). I have generally been pretty good lately, woke up a little down on Thursday and then yesterday morning I was as low as I have been in several weeks and didn't even want to get up. But I came here and you guys cheered me up! This morning I woke up feeling OK, and ready to face the day!

 

Keep going Lovetoohard, you are doing well and you write good stuff on here. Will you join us on Christmas Eve for our little party to celebrate our progress?

 

Have a nice weekend all

 

Jenkins,

 

Thank you for your kind words! I hope you are feeling better. Count me in for the Christmas Eve party!

 

I am in complete agreement with you on recovery not being linear. I broke up with XMM about 5 months ago, but because we worked together it was virtually impossible for me start healing. In the subsequent couple more months post-breakup I was at the job, I was a complete mess. The pendulum of emotions kept swinging wildly and I felt like I could get no respite. I didn't eat much, didn't sleep much, had obsessive thoughts, rehashed the whole thing and played out the hypothetical "what if I'd stuck it out a bit longer?" scenarios in my head, and was in general checked out and just going through the motions everyday like a zombie. My last day at work was like breaking up all over again. The office was where we met and while we spent time outside of work at least a couple times a week, there was a lot significance to our time spent as work colleagues as well because we helped each other grow and learn. Also, we would now have physical distance and while seeing him around the office post break-up was torture, the fact that we would now have physical separation really cemented the finality of the end.

 

On the positive side, not working together anymore is what really kick started my healing. In fact, when MM and I were together, he always used say how needy he gets if we don't see each other for more than 3 days but that I'm an 'outta sight, outta mind' kind of person and he'd get all sulky about it. True to his words, in the subsequent couple months after leaving the job, the wildly swinging pendulum of emotions and obsessive thoughts started stabilizing, but it wasn't a steady process. I would have a bad day or more out of nowhere and it was crippling. I still have rough days but I am able to cope better. I now feel like my old self again. Don't get me wrong - there isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't cross my mind, but the thoughts don't monopolize my day like they used to. I also don't feel the physical heartache and long for him anymore as I came to the realization that I didn't truly want a future with him - what I had longed for and missed were the highs I got from him and the friendship. He came into my life at a time I wasn't really happy.

 

I just power through and channel my energy on positive things like working out, eating very healthy, spending quality time with my family and friends, and indulging in my interests and hobbies. Finally, I know I made the right decision in ending the A and steered myself back onto the right path and at the end of the day, I can go to sleep and feel at peace with it. We can't control a lot of things in life, but these are all things within my control and I get to make my choices. It's empowering.

 

This will always be a part of my life and I can't regrettably erase it, but I will always cherish the positive memories.... and he is now just that... a memory and eventually, a distant one....

Edited February 14, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Noideanow]

There is no way of knowing if you can be happy in the future in your current relationship without giving it a shot. Many people exist in their marriage without giving it 100% effort. You have to give it its proper effort before knowing if it works. Anyone who values marriage, affair or not, will want to do this before giving up.

 

Hi popsicle, i know that is a common way of seeing it, and for many people it probably works like that, but i cant help but think that its a never ending road if you take on those glases, how much work and time is then enough to know for sure? will there allways be doubt? in case it doesnt work out how many years is wasted?

all those things and my own experiences tend to tell me that its way better to use your intuition/the heart whatever we will call it, beacause it allways knows right now what is right for you:o

[Popsicle]

Hi popsicle, i know that is a common way of seeing it, and for many people it probably works like that, but i cant help but think that its a never ending road if you take on those glases, how much work and time is then enough to know for sure? will there allways be doubt? in case it doesnt work out how many years is wasted?

all those things and my own experiences tend to tell me that its way better to use your intuition/the heart whatever we will call it, beacause it allways knows right now what is right for you:o

 

I don't know the answers to these questions, my knowledge about this is limited as I have never personality been in this position, but what I said above is what I tell myself to explain why they are doing what they are doing. It makes sense and also makes me feel good for some reason.

[jenkins95]

Grey Cloud!

 

It's been a while since there was a post to this thread, although I have seen that you have made some very valuable contributions on other threads which is great.

 

I was just wondering how you are doing? You survived several more days since this thread was last posted to! I know it is too early to feel any kind of improvement or clarity of mind yet, but I really hope you are feeling strong and are still committed to the way forward with full NC. We are here for you.

 

Good luck!

[Liam1]

Cheers!

 

The part that is hardest for me to overcome is the guilt and the shame. Right after i went nc i felt like i got myself back,but it was temporary relief. I still struggle withbeing very angry and disappointed in myself. I feel tainted, like i'm missing something inside. I just miss the good opinion i had of myself. I feel enormous guilt towards my husband. It is not fading.

I now look back on the affair and can not believe my eyes. Seriously,what was i thinking?

.

 

Jenkins:

 

I feel as does Imsosad:

 

I always thought I was a nice guy but the affair showed me I was not.

 

I cheated on someone who did not deserve that type of deception.

 

It took me a little while to detox from the intoxication of the new sex.

 

after being married a long time, it reminded me of my single dating days and the sex was exciting. I do not really miss the OW. What I personally missed was the sex. I always loved my wife and the OW was just something new and different.

 

Missing the sex, though, faded quickly after I confessed to my wife and saw the pain in her eyes.

 

I hope you are thinking of telling your spouse.

 

Why?

 

Somebody else knows about the affair and they may tell him. Maybe tomorrow maybe 20 years from now. If that happens it will hurt him all the more.

 

My wife said the most hurtful part of the affair for her was my deception.

 

She said that the fact that I confessed the affair rather than letting her possibly find out from a friend or a stranger, helped her heal.

 

She said she could not imagine having been told by someone else and confronting me.

 

Also, now that your spouse knows, he will likely set better boundaries.

 

My wife gave me far too much freedom, and it is in part what made it so easy for me to cheat.

 

Lastly, I hope you ended it firmly with your ex OM. I was too kind and now the OW is always attempting to rekindle.

 

Just some stuff to think about.

[jenkins95]

it seems at bit funny/tragic what some of you write in here, like you are a bunch of people encouraging each other and celebrating when you didnt eat for a day, the more you starve yourself the better:cool: it could be Called a love-disorder:confused: not allowing yourself love, sacrifizing yourself for the "benefit" of your partner/\ but i guess i dont understand, you really believe you Can be happy in the future in your current relationship?, thats where your motivation comes from, and maybe also faer of losing someone you know?

 

There is no way of knowing if you can be happy in the future in your current relationship without giving it a shot. Many people exist in their marriage without giving it 100% effort. You have to give it its proper effort before knowing if it works. Anyone who values marriage, affair or not, will want to do this before giving up.

 

Hi popsicle, i know that is a common way of seeing it, and for many people it probably works like that, but i cant help but think that its a never ending road if you take on those glases, how much work and time is then enough to know for sure? will there allways be doubt? in case it doesnt work out how many years is wasted?

all those things and my own experiences tend to tell me that its way better to use your intuition/the heart whatever we will call it, beacause it allways knows right now what is right for you:o

 

I don't know the answers to these questions, my knowledge about this is limited as I have never personality been in this position, but what I said above is what I tell myself to explain why they are doing what they are doing. It makes sense and also makes me feel good for some reason.

 

Very interesting exchange between Noideanow and Popsicle, which I've read many times and thought a lot about. What Noideanow says is quite reasonable and stated in a very non-aggressive, non-judgemental way. And yet, as a recovering wayward, desperately wanting to feel 'normal' and be happy again in my life without the AP, I find these posts a lot more disturbing and thought-provoking than some of the full on rants and attacks that us former waywards are often (understandably) subjected to.

 

I think the reason why I find Noideanow's words so disturbing is that they speak directly to the most fundamental, innermost fears of many former waywards - those that we rarely dare speak of or contemplate. Yes, we give each other encouragement, pat each other on the back and say the right things, but deep down we are not so strong and confident as the brave face we put on. We live in a world of anguish, fear, regret and uncertainty. We worry if we will ever recover. If we will ever be able to stop longing for our AP. If we will ever be able to look at our spouse with the level of love that they deserve.....that we deserve. Noideanow lays this issue bare in a few innocent sentences, compounded with his (or her - sorry!) implied incredulity that we will ever be able to do that.

 

Having said that, Noideanow's comments are welcome, even if they are uncomfortable to read. We need to know and consider all viewpoints and allow ourselves to be challenged and scrutinised fro all angles. To welcome the doubts and introspection and bot hide from our fears. We need to lay ourselves bare. That as much as anything will give us realistic expectations and aid our recovery.

 

Some good come-backs by Popsicle. Yes, we really want to be honest and normal again and make our marriages as happy as we would want them to be. And we will never achieve this if we don't try.

 

Plus, rather than seeing it simply as a choice to try to save our marriages, many of us see it as an absolute need. We simply have to recover our marriages - there is too much destruction and uncertainty ahead if we don't, there may be children involved, we may already be mentally battered and exhausted and just crave normality. We never set out to threaten our marriages - we just wanted a bit of fun, but we got in far too deep. We crave to undo the damage, to go into reverse.

 

......like you are a bunch of people encouraging each other and celebrating when you didnt eat for a day, the more you starve yourself the better......

 

But food is a good and necessary thing in life. Perhaps this would be a better analogy.....

 

......like you are a bunch of people encouraging each other and celebrating when you didn't take heroin for a day, the more you stay clean the better......

 

When we want to recover, we see our A as a drug - a bad thing. Yes it makes us feel good, but for bad addictive reasons like a drug, not for good wholesome, nutritious reasons like food. Food is the analogy we want our marriage to be!

 

Many thanks for the little debate Noideanow and Popsicle!

[Liam1]

Jenkins:

 

My post was meant for Grey Cloud. Sorry.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins:

 

My post was meant for Grey Cloud. Sorry.

 

No probs Liam. I really enjoyed reading your post and you make some excellent points.

 

Like you, my wife gave me too much freedom - but I never would have believed that I could have abused it so shamefully. I don't even want that level of freedom any more, not that I would ever abuse it again!

 

I hope you are doing well now in your recovery and your wife. I wish you nothing but the best of luck!

[Liam1]

No probs Liam. I really enjoyed reading your post and you make some excellent points.

 

Like you, my wife gave me too much freedom - but I never would have believed that I could have abused it so shamefully. I don't even want that level of freedom any more, not that I would ever abuse it again!

 

I hope you are doing well now in your recovery and your wife. I wish you nothing but the best of luck!

 

Jenkins:

 

Thank you. I agree with your post 100 percent.

 

We are doing well.

 

I hope all is going well for you and your wife, too.

[Grey Cloud]

Grey Cloud!

 

It's been a while since there was a post to this thread, although I have seen that you have made some very valuable contributions on other threads which is great.

 

I was just wondering how you are doing? You survived several more days since this thread was last posted to! I know it is too early to feel any kind of improvement or clarity of mind yet, but I really hope you are feeling strong and are still committed to the way forward with full NC. We are here for you.

 

Good luck!

 

Jenkins - thank you and my question to you is how did you know? I am having a bad day today, really struggling with everything and I logged in to LS in the hope that it would make me feel better and I saw your checking in post to me. It's like you knew somewhow that I needed it today!

Today I am feeling guilt really badly, like I can't believe I did this. It's like I was living in a bubble the whole time during the affair and now I look back and can't believe what I was thinking. I have been fighting back the tears all day and know there is no one else to blame but myself.

 

How are you doing? Are you feeling better after the few low days last week?

[Grey Cloud]

Jenkins:

 

I feel as does Imsosad:

 

I always thought I was a nice guy but the affair showed me I was not.

 

I cheated on someone who did not deserve that type of deception.

 

It took me a little while to detox from the intoxication of the new sex.

 

after being married a long time, it reminded me of my single dating days and the sex was exciting. I do not really miss the OW. What I personally missed was the sex. I always loved my wife and the OW was just something new and different.

 

Missing the sex, though, faded quickly after I confessed to my wife and saw the pain in her eyes.

 

I hope you are thinking of telling your spouse.

 

Why?

 

Somebody else knows about the affair and they may tell him. Maybe tomorrow maybe 20 years from now. If that happens it will hurt him all the more.

 

My wife said the most hurtful part of the affair for her was my deception.

 

She said that the fact that I confessed the affair rather than letting her possibly find out from a friend or a stranger, helped her heal.

 

She said she could not imagine having been told by someone else and confronting me.

 

Also, now that your spouse knows, he will likely set better boundaries.

 

My wife gave me far too much freedom, and it is in part what made it so easy for me to cheat.

 

Lastly, I hope you ended it firmly with your ex OM. I was too kind and now the OW is always attempting to rekindle.

 

Just some stuff to think about.

 

Liam - thank you for this. It has definitely given me a lot of things to think about. I definitely ended it firmly with my exMM. I made it clear we will never speak or see each other again. I am pretending like he died which is some advice a previous poster said. The thing in my favour is that he also wanted to end things and focus on his marriage so he was as determined as me to go full NC.

[jenkins95]

Jenkins - thank you and my question to you is how did you know? I am having a bad day today, really struggling with everything and I logged in to LS in the hope that it would make me feel better and I saw your checking in post to me. It's like you knew somewhow that I needed it today!

Grey Cloud

 

Big hug for you: (((Grey Cloud)))!

 

 

I did somehow feel that you were a little more down yesterday! I think when people have been through/are going through such a similar horrible experience and they talk about it, and form a bond like we all have on this thread, then they do somehow become attuned to each other and take a genuine interest in how each other is doing. Especially as this is something we can not really talk about in the real world, our interactions on here become quite important to us as we recover.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling low, but know that it is 100% normal. I know that you already know that - but I also know that that knowledge it doesn't make it any easier to actually live through. It is like what we talked about earlier in the thread. You have made a huge (and correct) decision. You have been really strong and resolutely determined, you have taken several steps in the road to recovery. The road can be long but it moves generally in the right direction - there is so much evidence on here that people do move past this and recover. But there are lots of bumps and obstacles all along that path, and you have hit one, which you will pass soon enough. Naturally, the bumps tend to be biggest and more frequent at the beginning, but they can strike any time, as I found out last week.

 

Today I am feeling guilt really badly, like I can't believe I did this. It's like I was living in a bubble the whole time during the affair and now I look back and can't believe what I was thinking. I have been fighting back the tears all day and know there is no one else to blame but myself.

 

It is amazing how many sentences/paragraphs that you have written over many threads that I could have written word for word exactly the same myself - here is another! It is such a good analogy to think of the affair as a bubble. Like it has its own magic, perfect plane of existence (I even invoked parallel universes to justify my selfishness) where real life can't touch it, and anything goes - normal rules don't apply. Happiness and hedonism not based on the stresses of real life rule. This is highly toxic and addictive. But once that bubble is broken, either by the APs realising that it has to end, as in your case, or by discovery, the affair cannot survive out in the open - the magic evaporates and it becomes exposed for what it is.

 

You deserve huge credit that you broke that bubble before you were forced to. I wish I had been as strong as you. In my case (and so many other cases that we read on here), discoveries by betrayed partners destroy the bubble in an unexpected moment when no one is prepared and the chaotic nightmare that follows is the worst torture that I have ever experienced. At least in your case, you and your AP both recognised what needed to be done before this type of horror happened. I can't stress enough how much of a positive point that is - it shows that you knew which direction you wanted to go in before you were forced. If you had continued, there may well have been discoveries. My AP and I were so incredibly careful early on to cover all our tracks, but as we became more intoxicated and obsessed with each other, it seemed to matter less and we became careless.

 

Another very positive point is that your pain is mostly concentrated on the guilt for what you have done rather than the pure hurt and pining for the AP. I know that you will be experiencing that too of course, but it's a very big positive that the balance of your pain is already leaning towards your marriage. Many people spend a lot longer in the fog missing their AP and feeling sorry for themselves before they even begin turning their attention to the damage they have done and addressing their guilt and regret.

 

Of all the recovering married APs that I have read about and conversed with on here, you are in the group that I feel are most likely to fully recover and put all the horror of the affair behind you. Just stay on that path and you will get there!

 

.....I logged in to LS in the hope that it would make me feel better and I saw your checking in post to me......Are you feeling better after the few low days last week?

 

I am so glad if my post helped you feel a little better and I hope you know and feel that there are a lot of us on here following you, supporting you and wanting nothing but the best for you. You are a human being, not a robot, and you are capable of making mistakes, like we all are. How you react to those mistakes says so much about you - and you are doing everything right. LS has been such a brilliant resource for me. Until my little blip last week, I hadn't actually logged on for about two months, which I hope is a good sign that I was doing well. When I logged on I wanted to find a positive story of someone in a similar situation to me, who had seen the error of their ways and wants to put it behind them and move on, Your post was the best medicine that I could have had that day! I saw myself in you - the me of a few months ago staring on that terrifying, uncertain journey, scared but at the same time hopeful and determined to make things right! Thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

Keep posting! You are doing amazingly well! You will get past this bump in the road. You will reach the next one, then you will get past that one too. The thing is to keep on the road! There are lots of us on that same path with you!

 

I might get some crackers for our Christmas Eve party when I go to the shops later - they are cheaper in February ;-)

Edited February 18, 2016 by jenkins95

[lemondrop21]

 

I think the reason why I find Noideanow's words so disturbing is that they speak directly to the most fundamental, innermost fears of many former waywards - those that we rarely dare speak of or contemplate. Yes, we give each other encouragement, pat each other on the back and say the right things, but deep down we are not so strong and confident as the brave face we put on. We live in a world of anguish, fear, regret and uncertainty. We worry if we will ever recover. If we will ever be able to stop longing for our AP. If we will ever be able to look at our spouse with the level of love that they deserve.....that we deserve. Noideanow lays this issue bare in a few innocent sentences, compounded with his (or her - sorry!) implied incredulity that we will ever be able to do that.

 

Having said that, Noideanow's comments are welcome, even if they are uncomfortable to read. We need to know and consider all viewpoints and allow ourselves to be challenged and scrutinised fro all angles. To welcome the doubts and introspection and bot hide from our fears. We need to lay ourselves bare. That as much as anything will give us realistic expectations and aid our recovery.

 

Some good come-backs by Popsicle. Yes, we really want to be honest and normal again and make our marriages as happy as we would want them to be. And we will never achieve this if we don't try.

 

Plus, rather than seeing it simply as a choice to try to save our marriages, many of us see it as an absolute need. We simply have to recover our marriages - there is too much destruction and uncertainty ahead if we don't, there may be children involved, we may already be mentally battered and exhausted and just crave normality. We never set out to threaten our marriages - we just wanted a bit of fun, but we got in far too deep. We crave to undo the damage, to go into reverse.

 

I agree that this was a VERY helpful exchange to read and I completely see both sides. Right now, for me there is the pain of exMM trying to save his marriage (why didn't he do this before the A??). But yes, I think for his own conscience it's necessary. If he were ever to leave (I don't think he will) he could need to do so knowing that he tried 100% to save it.

 

Will he ever know that he's tried 100% and that it's 100% over? Probably not, his wife is not a psycho and there isn't abuse or anything serious. He loves her on some level. There are the kids to consider. And so on. He's likely to continue bumbling along through life, having some good days and some tortured days. If his marriage goes south again I can imagine him having another A - after all, he got away with it the first time (we didn't have a DDay). But who am I to say that this scenario, minus the second A, isn't the best scenario, taking everything into account? Nothing in life is perfect.

[Noideanow]

Do you really feel like your affair was a mistake? What would you do different if you could go back in time, was the affair partner a person you loved or just a distraction:o? (Jenk, greyc)

[lemondrop21]

The love I had for my AP was the crazy, wild, needy, insatiable, selfish love. And of course, when you have that, the more mature, unconditional love that has built up over decades with your spouse can pale into insignificance in the heat of the affair fog. Having said that, I always knew it was wrong and so, so selfish of me and that I was risking destroying lives, including my wife and children. I knew I had to end the A, but I had to dig so, so deep into my reserves and get so much support and validation on here and other forums and articles to build up the strength to do it, and the process of ending it dragged on for several dark agonising weeks. In my heart I couldn't believe that I could get over her, but I simply had to have faith in the logic of what so many other people had written, including professional psychotherapists, that we do come out of the fog and we do recover. I feel that I have made the first few steps in that direction, but that there is a long way to go!

 

This sort of sentiment hurts to read (I know that wasn't OP's intent). As a former OW, I'm mourning the fact that exMM and I never got the chance to try and develop that more mature love. I know this is all part of the grieving process.

 

In my case I think exMM and I would start to become needy at times but then would pull ourselves back, and consequently, our A wasn't as crazy and dramatic as some that I read about (but still unhealthy for sure). exMM's wife was needy and codependent at times from what I understand, so it's not always so black and white - with the A being the crazy, out of control relationship and the marriage being the mature, stable thing.

[imsosad]

 

I think the reason why I find Noideanow's words so disturbing is that they speak directly to the most fundamental, innermost fears of many former waywards - those that we rarely dare speak of or contemplate. Yes, we give each other encouragement, pat each other on the back and say the right things, but deep down we are not so strong and confident as the brave face we put on. We live in a world of anguish, fear, regret and uncertainty. We worry if we will ever recover. If we will ever be able to stop longing for our AP. If we will ever be able to look at our spouse with the level of love that they deserve.....that we deserve. Noideanow lays this issue bare in a few innocent sentences, compounded with his (or her - sorry!) implied incredulity that we will ever be able to do that.

 

Having said that, Noideanow's comments are welcome, even if they are uncomfortable to read. We need to know and consider all viewpoints and allow ourselves to be challenged and scrutinised fro all angles. To welcome the doubts and introspection and bot hide from our fears. We need to lay ourselves bare. That as much as anything will give us realistic expectations and aid our recovery.

 

Some good come-backs by Popsicle. Yes, we really want to be honest and normal again and make our marriages as happy as we would want them to be. And we will never achieve this if we don't try.

 

Plus, rather than seeing it simply as a choice to try to save our marriages, many of us see it as an absolute need. We simply have to recover our marriages - there is too much destruction and uncertainty ahead if we don't, there may be children involved, we may already be mentally battered and exhausted and just crave normality. We never set out to threaten our marriages - we just wanted a bit of fun, but we got in far too deep. We crave to undo the damage, to go into rev!

 

Oh, Jenkins.

This post made me tear up.

So very true.

It is somewhat comforting to know that we are not losing it and all these thoughts and emotions are part of the process.