Celebrating the end

[imsosad]

I never thought it was true.

If my memory serves, it was a random comment on satc and became a common wisdom.

I think it depends on so many factors, there really is no timeline.

My A lasted 4 months. I am 8 months out of it, it is still on my mind alot more than i had hoped it would be. Most of the time is not thinking about my ap in terms of longing and missing him,but trying to figure out this mess. Getting over the guilt is the hardest part for me so far, though i would be lying if i did not admit that now and then i do miss my ex ap.

I gave myself a really hard time at first about 'getting over it'. I was almost obsessed with putting it behind me and moving on.

You just have to take it in stride. Give yourself time. One person will heal in two months, another in a year.it doesnt matter. The important thing is that you are on your way.

[Grey Cloud]

So I have blocked xMM from my phone, personal email and Facebook. The only way he could get in touch with me was via work email. And he did that today.

He physically left the office 12 days ago but was still doing some work from home before he starts his new job on Monday. Anyway, because his email address will be monitored by another co-worker once he officially leaves he must have gone into his email to do a bit of a clean up.

 

The email to me said sorry to get in touch but he had found deleted emails between the two of us that hadn't been fully purged off his system. He sent screen shots to me of how to go into my settings and do the same.

The email ended with "I'm going now. See ya!!!" and then followed by a smiley face emoticon .

 

I don't think he was fishing? There were no hi's, how are you's or questions. I'm pretty sure he was just saving his own ass in terms of making sure there were no incriminating emails between the two of us left anywhere on the work system! Self preservation on his behalf!

 

However when I saw his name amongst my emails my heart started jumping through my chest. And then I was totally calm and peaceful for a few hours afterwards - a feeling I hadn't felt for the last 12 days. And then it hit me why! I had received my 'hit'. Just goes to show you the force of these addictions to AP's (I realise not everyone views it as an addiction but in my case he definitely was like a drug to me).

 

Of course I haven't responded and never will. I just hope I am strong enough that when I do go back into my system properly I don't uncover a history of emails between us that I thought were deleted and start reading them again. It will just re-open the wound which hasn't even had a chance to heal yet.

 

Anyway, I kind of feel I am back to NC day 1 again and it sucks

Edited February 24, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[jenkins95]

Big hug Grey Cloud!!!! (((GC)))!

 

Wow! Even my heart missed a beat reading your subject line, so goodness knows what it was like for you! Well done - you have dealt very well with something that could have been a huge set back to you. Congrats - you passed a big test there! When I saw the subject line of your post, I though Oh No! But then I was really glad to read what I did.

 

I think you are right - I think he is basically just covering his ass and letting you know how to do the same. But I can almost guarantee that on top of that, he also felt some kind of hit and release just in the act of contacting you. I can also guarantee that he will be checking his mailbox every 2 mins to see if you have replied. The 'reformed' him will be pleased that you don't reply and he will mentally congratulate both of you that you are moving on the right direction and handling it well. But there will be a part of him that will always be connected to you and will remember and long for the good times - that part of him will be gutted that you don't reply, and inevitably there would have been an element of fishing in his email, even if he doesn't even admit it. Hopefully he won't even acknowledge that part of him - but it is there. It's in you too, I'm sure...... and in me definitely (her FB pulls me like a magnet sometimes, but I resist and will continue to resist until it loses its magnetism altogether). I think it's in all of us that have had an affair that has meant more than just sex, but eventually it becomes less painful and more manageable.

 

You did amazingly well - of course you will feel a little hit. It's only been a few days and you are very early in your recovery. But just think how much less it has taken to give you that hit than when you were right in the middle of the affair. I know it feels like you are back at day 1 right now, but I think you'll feel better tomorrow. You're still coming down from the adrenaline/shock/rush!

 

You are doing so incredibly well! I think the major thing to take home from this is that he's doing OK and wants to move on to. You can silently wish each other all the best for the future and move past this. He clearly wants that for you too.

 

Major scare navigated! I can only imagine your heart beat and adrenaline levels seeing his name in your mail box! If you have a chance, have a glass or two of wine this evening - you've earned it! And keep posting! Your posts are brilliant.

Edited February 24, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

I never thought it was true.

If my memory serves, it was a random comment on satc and became a common wisdom.

I think it depends on so many factors, there really is no timeline.

My A lasted 4 months. I am 8 months out of it, it is still on my mind alot more than i had hoped it would be. Most of the time is not thinking about my ap in terms of longing and missing him,but trying to figure out this mess. Getting over the guilt is the hardest part for me so far, though i would be lying if i did not admit that now and then i do miss my ex ap.

I gave myself a really hard time at first about 'getting over it'. I was almost obsessed with putting it behind me and moving on.

You just have to take it in stride. Give yourself time. One person will heal in two months, another in a year.it doesnt matter. The important thing is that you are on your way.

 

This is an interesting discussion lemondrop, gc and imsosad. I tend to agree with what you are saying. I think it really varies a lot depending on circumstances, how invested/in love you were, what your role was (OW, MM, BF, etc). I think the 'half the time to recover' rule is probably a reasonably good general rule for the 'average' relationship, but that there is a lot of variance due to the fact that no two Rs are the same and circumstances can be so different.

 

I remember the first time I ever got my heart broken in a normal BF/GF relationship - she dumped me and went into immediate NC (before the days that we even had the term 'NC'!) and I had no power in any of it. I was completely gutted and blindsided and convinced that I would never get over her or meet anyone else. I wallowed in self pity and didn't know how to get past it. The R was about a year and the recovery was also about a year! A similar thing happened in a later R (I didn't have much luck early on ), but I'd learned from the earlier experience, hardened myself to it and become much more realistic, so this time the recovery wasn't much more than a month or so.

 

But those were early, 'innocent' relationships in my early 20s and now I find myself as a married father in his forties recovering from an affair. The circumstances are so different. As lemondrop points out, it is not now just a case of one-dimensional recovering, there are so many dimensions. I still miss and pine for the AP (although less now thankfully) and feel guilty for how I interfered with her life, I feel terribly guilty about what I did to my spouse and worry about whether we will ever be able to properly connect again like we used to (we are actually doing really well and moving in that direction). And also of course, I have to have a long hard look at myself - I did a bad thing that has hurt many people. I need to understand why and work out how I can ensure that it will never happen again. All these multiple factors will surely make the recovery a long one. Mentally I've allocated all of 2016 to recovery - that's why I'm really looking forward to our Christmas party! I hope you are all well today guys. Keep the posts coming! I feel a bit down today so it's nice to read your posts. It's only a very, very minor blip today!

Edited February 24, 2016 by jenkins95

[Grey Cloud]

Thanks Jenkins! I wasn't even going to post about it but I think the very act of writing it out helps give me further clarity. I think you are right, he really wanted to move on as well by the end. I would have been VERY surprised if he had of wrote an email just to say hi. The last day I saw him at work was difficult for both of us. I could hardly speak as I could feel myself getting upset. I said I won't be contacting you again - ever. He said it's ok, I know the deal. I won't contact you either. Then he said that he doesn't regret anything and he would miss me. And that was the end. Even then I got a bit annoyed because I do have regrets and I think the only reason HE has no regrets is because he didn't get caught.

 

Anyway, I won't let this set me back. He is probably hoping I will respond saying I've deleted the emails etc but then again he didn't ask for a response. I don't want to engage. Just want to keep moving forwards. Onwards and upwards!

 

Thanks for listening - as always

[Grey Cloud]

This is an interesting discussion lemondrop, gc and imsosad. I tend to agree with what you are saying. I think it really varies a lot depending on circumstances, how invested/in love you were, what your role was (OW, MM, BF, etc). I think the 'half the time to recover' rule is probably a reasonably good general rule for the 'average' relationship, but that there is a lot of variance due to the fact that no two Rs are the same and circumstances can be so different.

 

I remember the first time I ever got my heart broken in a normal BF/GF relationship - she dumped me and went into immediate NC (before the days that we even had the term 'NC'!) and I had no power in any of it. I was completely gutted and blindsided and convinced that I would never get over her or meet anyone else. I wallowed in self pity and didn't know how to get past it. The R was about a year and the recovery was also about a year! A similar thing happened in a later R (I didn't have much luck early on ), but I'd learned from the earlier experience, hardened myself to it and become much more realistic, so this time the recovery wasn't much more than a month or so.

 

But those were early, 'innocent' relationships in my early 20s and now I find myself as a married father in his forties recovering from an affair. The circumstances are so different. As lemondrop points out, it is not now just a case of one-dimensional recovering, there are so many dimensions. I still miss and pine for the AP (although less now thankfully) and feel guilty for how I interfered with her life, I feel terribly guilty about what I did to my spouse and worry about whether we will ever be able to properly connect again like we used to (we are actually doing really well and moving in that direction). And also of course, I have to have a long hard look at myself - I did a bad thing that has hurt many people. I need to understand why and work out how I can ensure that it will never happen again. All these multiple factors will surely make the recovery a long one. Mentally I've allocated all of 2016 to recovery - that's why I'm really looking forward to our Christmas party! I hope you are all well today guys. Keep the posts coming! I feel a bit down today so it's nice to read your posts. It's only a very, very minor blip today!

 

One line stood out the most for me in your post "mentally I've allocated all of 2016 to recovery". I think I will do the same! I just want to get over this thing ASAP but the more I read the more I realise you can't rush it. I think just by accepting that recovery lies ahead of me this year is better then fighting it and just wishing that I felt 'normal' everyday.

 

I am so glad to hear that you and your wife are reconnecting. I know it's a work in progress but you are so on the right path

 

Bring on the Christmas party!!

[jenkins95]

Thanks Jenkins! I wasn't even going to post about it but I think the very act of writing it out helps give me further clarity. I think you are right, he really wanted to move on as well by the end. I would have been VERY surprised if he had of wrote an email just to say hi. The last day I saw him at work was difficult for both of us. I could hardly speak as I could feel myself getting upset. I said I won't be contacting you again - ever. He said it's ok, I know the deal. I won't contact you either. Then he said that he doesn't regret anything and he would miss me. And that was the end. Even then I got a bit annoyed because I do have regrets and I think the only reason HE has no regrets is because he didn't get caught.

 

Anyway, I won't let this set me back. He is probably hoping I will respond saying I've deleted the emails etc but then again he didn't ask for a response. I don't want to engage. Just want to keep moving forwards. Onwards and upwards!

 

Thanks for listening - as always

 

Great! Well done you. Onwards and upwards indeed.

 

I expect deep down that he may have regrets too, but just wanted to say something 'nice' the last day that you two were in the office together. Either way, you are doing great and handled a potential bomb very well today.

 

You absolutely did the right thing posting. If you feel in the slightest bit down about anything, even something really small, please post to us! It really helps and there will always be someone here for you. I learned the other day that there is even a thread on here somewhere where you can say things that you want to say to your AP. Some people find it therapeutic and of course it lessens the chance that you actually will contact them! I may try that myself sometime as there are quite a lot of unsaid things still on my mind.

 

Anyway, give yourself a pat on the back for your strength today!

Edited February 24, 2016 by jenkins95

[Popsicle]

Grey Cloud, I agree with jenkins. I think he was covering his *** and also cautiously fishing at the same time. I know it can really make you angry when they so blatantly cover their ***, but remember that he is also probably scared to be sucked back in, as well. He wants it but he doesn't want it at the same time, and that opposing feeling is scary (because it's completely out of control!) The heart is a funny thing. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he has more regrets than of just not getting caught, but if you act like you had no feelings for him, don't be surprised if he acts like he had to feelings for you. Just saying. People tend to protect themselves.

[Liam1]

 

 

 

you weren't in love with your OW and never wanted to be with her outside of your marriage. you have to take into consideration that we're all writing from our own perspectives: if you were in love with the other woman, your own would've probably been a lot different.

 

I agree with about 80 percent of your posting.

 

However, were I in love with the OW, that would indicate I was no longer in love with my wife. That was never the case. The affair partner for me was just available and easy.

 

Had I fallen out of love with my wife, I would have asked my wife for a divorce, rather than having an affair. My affair was a flawed solution to the lack of sex. Instead of counseling, I had an affair. I thought I would never get caught and no one would get hurt.

 

Also, I never sadly had to lie to my wife's face because she never questioned my whereabouts. She was too trusting. Had I needed to lie, I don't think I could have met with the OW ever.

 

 

 

 

can you blame her?

Yes, I can because we discussed this early on. She instigated the affair with the promise that she had no intention of leaving her husband and ONLY wanted a sexual affair. I told her repeatedly before, during and after ending the affair that I love my wife. I confessed because I did not want to have to start lying to her.

 

this will come out super harsh but please, bare with me - i wish you no harm. i apologize in advance. it looks like this from where i'm standing: you cheated on your wife. you lied to her and brought her great pain, damaged your marriage. and for what? it looks like, for some meaningless sex. so from the OW's point of view - how can you possibly LOVE someone you are able to hurt so much for... basically no reason at all? shouldn't your love for your wife be stronger than that? that's how it probably looks from the OW's perspective.

Well her perspective is a projection of her own feelings toward her husband, whom she finally admitted she did not love and was looking for a replacement.

 

No. I don't equate meaningless sex with love. They are two different things. And, again, in my affair fog, I thought she would never find out and no one would get hurt.

 

I confessed, though, because I did not want to lie by omission to my wife, anymore.

 

t's very hard to make "peace" between those two: adultery and love for the one you're cheating on. and lastly... how do you know that you're staying for your wife out of love? at the end of the day, you're married and have kids. those are strong factors that, without a doubt, influence your decisions. the only way to know for sure is to totally remove those factors - which is pretty much impossible.

Uhm, we are making a lot of assumptions here. We have no children. I am wealthy and my wife is equally financially self sufficient. She is a brilliant scientist with thousands of published articles. She does not need my money.

 

As for splitting our assets. Half are hers, anyway. She earns as much as I do. There is no ulterior motive or financial reason for staying other than love.

 

With counseling our sex life is back on track, too. But even without sex, my affair taught me that I would rather be with my wife, even without sex. I feel sorry for the OW's husband.

 

The OW was only a sex object. She presented herself as such, but was pulling the old bait and switch.

Edited February 24, 2016 by Liam1

[Liam1]

How it worked for me, is that yes I experienced a taste of what was out there during my affair but I didn't fall madly in love with my AP. I did however fall madly in love with my H when we met over 10 years ago. So for me I think I can re capture that again knowing the grass is not greener. I don't think my M was fundamentally flawed, we got stuck in a rut. And I am prepared to give it my best shot before walking away from it all. If anything the affair opened my eyes and made me realise I was still IN love with my H. I realise some affairs have the opposite effect though.

 

Ditto for me, Grey Cloud.

[Liam1]

I don't think any of it matters. I'm fairly certain my xMM never loved his wife. He married late in life and it was a marriage of convenience and practicality for them both, almost akin to an arranged marriage. I've always said that those type of marriages last the longest and are the most solid because it's all business and they have made the conscious decision that they are good with this. No thoughts of love or any of that silly juvenile stuff. It's all business and they make a great team together. So the affair and all these feelings that he had safely filed away, unexpectedly smacked him in the face and he was confused and didn't know what to do. This was not in the plan. I felt bad and ended it before he was ready but I knew what the outcome would be. It doesn't matter.

 

Well, I am glad you ended it.

 

But really, being fairly certain does not make your thoughts factual. You are still guessing a about your MMs feelings.

 

Some of your words sound like the same words my former OW has taunted my wife with.

 

They are all a figment of her own imagination and needs to feel as if she was more important than my wife.

 

She was not. She was just available and easy.

 

Very few men leave their wives for an affair partner, and the foolish ones that do have a 3 percent chance of having a long term marriage. Most marriages to an affair partner fizzle within 7 years.

[Liam1]

Random note regarding the "Affair Advice" blog referenced by GreyCloud... I do think many of his posts are well-written, but one thing I noted is that his OW turned out to be the VERY unstable bunny-boiler type after the affair ended. I would think that would make it a bit easier for someone to stay in recovery with their spouse and to feel that the whole affair was a huge mistake. If you can look back on the xAP as a legitimate option, that is harder to recover from, I think.

 

Actually, I wanted to end my affair long before I did and my OW did not go stalker on me until after I ended it.

 

IMO, her ego was damaged and she suddenly had to feel as if she meant something to me other than the easy responsibility free sexual escape she offered.

[Popsicle]

Well, I am glad you ended it.

 

But really, being fairly certain does not make your thoughts factual. You are still guessing a about your MMs feelings.

 

Some of your words sound like the same words my former OW has taunted my wife with.

 

They are all a figment of her own imagination and needs to feel as if she was more important than my wife.

 

She was not. She was just available and easy.

 

Very few men leave their wives for an affair partner, and the foolish ones that do have a 3 percent chance of having a long term marriage. Most marriages to an affair partner fizzle within 7 years.

 

Well, I'm not your OW and will never be like your OW. And you're not my xMM and will never be like him. And you certainly don't know him more than I do.

 

And I'm not longer interested in being with a MM.

[Liam1]

Well, I'm not your OW and will never be like your OW. And you're not my xMM and will never be like him. And you certainly don't know him more than I do.

 

And I'm not longer interested in being with a MM.

 

No you are not my OW, I did not say you were like her. I am glad you are no longer interested int he MM.

 

But why do you care whether or not he actually loved his wife. That indicates you are still trying to analyze his motives for having the affair.

 

What I am pointing out to you is that you are only GUESSING about the way your MM feels, based on you own wording.

 

Some MM lie to their affair partners. Quite a few actually.

 

You wrote:

 

I'm fairly certain my xMM never loved his wife.

 

Fairly certain indicated doubt and therefore guessing.

[Popsicle]

No you are not my OW, I did not say you were like her. I am glad you are no longer interested int he MM.

 

But why do you care whether or not he actually loved his wife. That indicates you are still trying to analyze his motives for having the affair.

 

What I am pointing out to you is that you are only GUESSING about the way your MM feels, based on you own wording.

 

Some MM lie to their affair partners. Quite a few actually.

 

You wrote:

 

 

 

Fairly certain indicated doubt and therefore guessing.

 

I don't know, for the same reason why you care what we OW in this forum think....

[Gigi2015]

Every relationship is different. We don't all come in clusters like grapes... There are also MM/MW who truly loved their AP and left the marriage. There were were those who placed more importance on social standing than love. Those who placed their children and spouses over romantic love. Also WS who made a mistake and truly were remorseful and as a result of the affair their marriages made stronger...in our responses we shed light into our particular circumstances.

[Liam1]

I don't know, for the same reason why you care what we OW in this forum think....

 

Well, to answer your question, obviously I am trying to understand why my OW turned into a stalker, when she instigated the affair and swore she only wanted sex.

 

Trying to figure out a stalker OWs mindset is different from saying I am guessing that she never loved her husband.

 

You have stated outright that you think your OM does not love his wife.

 

I would never assume to know how my OW felt about her husband unless she told me.

 

When, I ended it, she did actually tell me. As stated, she said she never loved her husband, and was looking for a replacement.

 

I am curious how other OW's think, because I see this type of thinking time and again on forums,. specifically from OWs rather than OMs

 

An OW was either never told the OM was going to leave his wife or never loved his wife, yet they assume that he must because he had an affair.

 

Most men I know. And, I know a lot in various organizations across three states, cheat because they want some strange. Not because they don't love their wife or plan to leave their wife.

 

Once in awhile, I read about an OM that claims he loves the OW, but IMO, that is because the affair has not run its course yet.

 

The infatuation of a new love interest is called limerance. It is very powerful. It is not however the enduring type of love.

 

With that said, you did not answer MY question: That was: Why are you still THINKING the OM never loved his wife?

Edited February 24, 2016 by Liam1

[Noideanow]

Well, to answer your question, obviously I am trying to understand why my OW turned into a stalker, when she instigated the affair and swore she only wanted sex.

 

Trying to figure out a stalker OWs mindset is different from saying I am guessing that she never loved her husband.

 

You have stated outright that you think your OM does not love his wife.

 

I would never assume to know how my OW felt about her husband unless she told me.

 

When, I ended it, she did actually tell me. As stated, she said she never loved her husband, and was looking for a replacement.

 

I am curious how other OW's think, because I see this type of thinking time and again on forums,. specifically from OWs rather than OMs

 

An OW was either never told the OM was going to leave his wife or never loved his wife, yet they assume that he must because he had an affair.

 

Most men I know. And, I know a lot in various organizations across three states, cheat because they want some strange. Not because they don't love their wife or plan to leave their wife.

 

Once in awhile, I read about an OM that claims he loves the OW, but IMO, that is because the affair has not run its course yet.

 

The infatuation of a new love interest is called limerance. It is very powerful. It is not however the enduring type of love.

 

With that said, you did not answer MY question: That was: Why are you still THINKING the OM never loved his wife?

 

You blame popsicle for making assumptions yet i cant help but notice quite a few in your postings;)

and a maybe provoking question from me safely sitting behind a computer;) is your wife in love with you too? or could it be as popsicle suggested that she sees it as a business/friendship-partnership- pardon my wording:o

[Gigi2015]

Not always Liam...some(very few) APs leave their marriages. But--it is a minuscule number and then the chances of those relationships lasting are even smaller. I've known a couple of them. But--still even if confused at the time, many did get to care greatly for their APs. It was simply the wrong time since they already loved someone else or were conflicted about their feelings. That's the main reason to not get involved in this type of relationship....it's unsettled and it'll become even more unsettled with the addition of a third party.

[Noideanow]

and liam, a comment to your last sentence,

when a person has sex with somebody else, it for me is natural to conclude that love isnt what he or she is feeling for their partner, i dont say i doesnt might very well be something else;) but love it isnt:cool: but who cares, for each of us "love" means something different probably:love:

[lemondrop21]

 

But why do you care whether or not he actually loved his wife. That indicates you are still trying to analyze his motives for having the affair

 

Asking the "why's" is part of processing and is therapeutic for some. A long term affair can be like a trauma for everyone including the OW/OM. When someone f***s with your head that much it can take awhile to process. So we come here, ask questions, vent, reflect, etc. No need to criticize another person's attempts to heal.

[Liam1]

You blame popsicle for making assumptions yet i cant help but notice quite a few in your postings;)

and a maybe provoking question from me safely sitting behind a computer;) is your wife in love with you too? or could it be as popsicle suggested that she sees it as a business/friendship-partnership- pardon my wording:o

 

Specifically what assumptions have I made about Popsicle, precisely.

 

I am simply quoting her own words and pointed out that THINKING someone does not love their wife is not the same as KNOWING that her ex om does not love his wife.

 

I really wanted to hear Popsicles answer because I enjoy reading her postings.

 

and actually Popsicle did not suggest anything about my wife, she was speaking of her OM.

 

You are the one making suggestions.

 

You said: r

could it be as popsicle suggested that she sees it as a business/friendship-partnership- pardon my wording:o

 

 

Nevertheless, even if her OM told her that he does not love his wife, the fact that he is with his wife speaks volumes, that is something a lot of OM say to keep the cake coming.

 

If he stayed for finances, then why would Popsicle even care about a guy that stays with a wife he does not love only for financial concerns or even the kids.

 

Studies show kids are happier if unhappy parents divorce. Bad marriages destroy kids.

 

As for whether or not my wife loves me. I can not speak for her, and I would not make that assumption. I just don't know what really goes on in her head. I am not psychic. Are you?

 

We are still together and things are good. That is all I can tell you, now.

 

Is my wife staying for a business partnership. I seriously doubt that based on her financial status. She earns as much as I do, and we both earn more than we could spend in our lifetimes.

 

So, I don't know the answer for sure, but there would be no plausible reason for her to stay for money. And, there is no business partnership. We work in similar but separate fields.

 

So I am not sure where that assumption came from??????

 

But again, my question was directed to Popsicle, based on her posting.

Edited February 24, 2016 by Liam1

[Gigi2015]

and liam, a comment to your last sentence,

when a person has sex with somebody else, it for me is natural to conclude that love isnt what he or she is feeling for their partner, i dont say i doesnt might very well be something else;) but love it isnt:cool: but who cares, for each of us "love" means something different probably:love:

 

Yes ... incredulous as it may seem both married men/women can have affairs and love their spouses. It's called confusion, conflict/bad decision. Usually they DON'T want their marriages to end.

[Liam1]

Asking the "why's" is part of processing and is therapeutic for some. A long term affair can be like a trauma for everyone including the OW/OM. When someone f***s with your head that much it can take awhile to process. So we come here, ask questions, vent, reflect, etc. No need to criticize another person's attempts to heal.

 

Exactly, hence the question? She can now analyze away. Does she want the truth when she analyzes or does she want to continue living in a fantasy world.

 

Why would you consider it a criticism rather than a discussion.

[Liam1]

Not always Liam...some(very few) APs leave their marriages. But--it is a minuscule number and then the chances of those relationships lasting are even smaller. I've known a couple of them. But--still even if confused at the time, many did get to care greatly for their APs. It was simply the wrong time since they already loved someone else or were conflicted about their feelings. That's the main reason to not get involved in this type of relationship....it's unsettled and it'll become even more unsettled with the addition of a third party.

 

Gigi:

 

I agree, 100 percent. Some OMs and OWs do fall in love with their affair partners. It is rare, but it happens.

 

In those cases, they most likely never truly loved their spouse. Perhaps they simply settled.