Celebrating the end

[Poppy47]

You are all getting too damned serious and a little bit precious.

 

Just contribute to the thread . William is the moderator . He is the boss.

 

Poppy.

[Grey Cloud]

Thanks Jenkins for asking after me on Lemondrop's thread. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to post my update but I want to remain accountable - to my fellow LS supporters but more importantly myself.

 

So a couple of days ago xMM emailed me just to let me know he had found some some undeleted emails on the work system and to double check from my end. I didn't respond and felt good about NC.

 

Then on Friday night I am at a friends birthday party when a friend of mine (I don't see her that regularly but we are in the same mutual circle of friends), comes up to me and says "tell me all about ___ (name of xAP)" and proceeds to tell me he will be her new manager! xMM starts a new job on Monday and my friend has just started work at this company also. Anyway she found out where he had worked previously and realised that is where I also work! So she wanted to know what he was like and I ended up having an unwanted 20 min conversation about him (in a work related capacity) at this party! I swear I can't escape him. Anyway, it ruined the night for me as I couldn't think about anything else and I couldn't believe my friend was going to be in his team at the new workplace. She said "I'll have to tell him on Monday when he starts that I know you!".

 

I went to bed thinking oh well that will be a shock for him when she says that to him on Monday and went to bed and tossed and turned all night. So what do I do as soon as I wake up in the morning in my sleep deprived state? I send him an email and break NC all I said was that my friend would be working in his team at the new job and was giving him the heads up as she will mention my name.

 

He responds saying what a coincidence! And then "how are things? How are you going?". And then we email back and forth for a little while. Don't worry, we are not getting back together or re-starting anything! Nothing has changed, we are both still want to focus on our M's and put this whole thing behind us. I said I was struggling with guilt etc. He replied saying he was trying to make me a distant memory but was struggling with that. That he is triggered all the time with thoughts of me - from songs on the radio, watching TV, seeing people at the shops who look like me etc. we basically said it was going to take time and that by living our separate lives we would be ok.

 

In a way, it was good to hear he was also struggling. Because the last couple of weeks at work before he left it felt to me that he had put everything in a box and was able to move on quite quickly. But I think that it what he was trying to do whereas the reality is quite different.

 

The email conversation ended with going NC again. Though he did say that he wouldn't contact me because he would respect my wishes about NC but if I wanted to call or email him anytime I could. I don't think he said that to leave the door open with resuming something but because he is also struggling with the permanency of NC.

 

Anyway, there you have it. I am still committed to my M and my H even though i will probably get slammed for breaking NC. I feel sad but I know what I need to do moving forwards. I will see my friend again in 2 weeks time at another friends birthday and I am sure I will get an update on xMM but after then hopefully it's out of sight/hearing, out of mind. I know it will take time. I also know the first few weeks of NC is the most difficult and easy to break as I have done.

[Popsicle]

That's okay. Many of us have broken NC in the early stages. I think this was better ending for the both of you anyway, than the last one.

 

Now you can really stay NC.

[Grey Cloud]

That's okay. Many of us have broken NC in the early stages. I think this was better ending for the both of you anyway, than the last one.

 

Now you can really stay NC.

 

Thanks Popsicle. I do sense a better end of closure now. Before I alternated between feeling angry/upset but now I realise we are both in the same boat and essentially struggling with the same thing. But we both want what is best for our M's and know this is the right choice and the best way forwards.

[Popsicle]

Thanks Popsicle. I do sense a better end of closure now. Before I alternated between feeling angry/upset but now I realise we are both in the same boat and essentially struggling with the same thing. But we both want what is best for our M's and know this is the right choice and the best way forwards.

 

Exactly, and I'm glad you both got to have this type of ending.

[Lovetoohard]

Grey!

 

Sometimes it's really hard to avoid getting updates from innocent well-meaning friends out xMM, especially when you're former colleagues and/or have mutual friends. Something similar happened to me a few days ago where I inadvertently got an updated on my xMM and it momentarily brought back the pain as well as the good memories. The good thing is that while you had rough night after, it doesn't sound like it's debilitating to the point it was in the initial stages of the break-up. Sounds like you're managing it just fine. And don't be too hard on yourself for breaking NC. I'm not really an advocate of NC, especially when you are in a tight knit social or professional circle. You guys exchanged a courteous and polite exchange and you upheld your boundaries on re-affirming your commitment to your H. You're a lot stronger now!

 

A lot of OW/OM are often left wondering whether they ever meant anything to their ex and I do believe that in a lot of cases where there was a strong emotional connection, the other person hurts too.

[gettingstronger]

You're doing just fine! I'm a BS but when I read these types of posts, I wonder what I would have done had we decided to end our marriage and he was with someone else, our OW or anyone. My best guess is that I would have stumbled numerous times, done things like reaching out and all of the things you have done. It would have been hard to let go. You're not doing these things because you're an OW, you're doing them because you're going through a tough time. Cut yourself some slack, you'll be OK!

[lemondrop21]

Grey, it sounds like you're doing just fine and this is part of the journey. Eventually it won't be this way. A year from now you very likely will feel much more past this. Five years from now it will be nothing but a distant memory. The two of you don't seem like lifetime APs. You were fulfilling unmet needs in each other's lives for a time, and that time is now over by mutual decision along with a little dose of fate as he left the company.

 

I know how you feel about the dread of being slammed for breaking NC. I am avoiding my own thread at the minute. But really, the point is not NC in itself, it's doing what allows you to move on. You didn't break NC only to pass little flirtations between you, which would eventually lead to a rekindling. You said some things that gave you more closure, I think.

 

Keep going, one day at a time. It does get better.

[Grey Cloud]

Thanks everyone for your support! You are right, we didn't pass flirtations or fall back into old habits. It felt like a proper adult conversation along the lines of "yeah, it sucks and it's tough but we will get through this for the sake of our partners and M's, is just going to take a bit of time".

 

Today I just feel sad. But I almost feel it's that one step closer to putting the past behind me, letting go and moving on.

[jenkins95]

Grey Cloud, I know I am a bit over the top with my hugs, but I really want to send you one today......

 

((((((Grey Cloud))))))

 

I agree with the other posters and yourself - it's a minor slip up, and you've handled it well and have a good attitude. We are not perfect in our affairs and we are not always perfect in our recovery. I'm ashamed to say that me and my AP had slip ups for several months before genuine NC. Each time it set us back, but it's so damned hard to commit to, especially at the beginning. Little slip ups, the need for a little hit are so normal at the start of NC/end of an affair. You will get there!

 

I will write more later - off to the zoo with my kids now. I wonder if animals have affairs!...... I'll be looking for all the tell tale signs as I wander around the monkeys today

[Grey Cloud]

Grey Cloud, I know I am a bit over the top with my hugs, but I really want to send you one today......

 

((((((Grey Cloud))))))

 

I agree with the other posters and yourself - it's a minor slip up, and you've handled it well and have a good attitude. We are not perfect in our affairs and we are not always perfect in our recovery. I'm ashamed to say that me and my AP had slip ups for several months before genuine NC. Each time it set us back, but it's so damned hard to commit to, especially at the beginning. Little slip ups, the need for a little hit are so normal at the start of NC/end of an affair. You will get there!

 

I will write more later - off to the zoo with my kids now. I wonder if animals have affairs!...... I'll be looking for all the tell tale signs as I wander around the monkeys today

 

Hi Jenkins - I hope those monkeys behaved themselves so how long did it take for you to get to "genuine NC" after break up? Did the slip ups happen after d-day? Were they just to say hi? If you prefer not to talk about it because it dredges up painful memories I understand - only share what you feel comfortable with! I'm just curious to hear another perspective. It's so hard when I have gone from seeing my xAP four days a week at work and hearing from him by email/text 5 to 7 days per week to go to completely nothing! But isn't that what you do when you give up smoking, go cold turkey? and the cravings get less and less. I know it's for the best and there is nothing left further to say to each other. I'm just looking forward to the day when the whole thing doesn't hurt as much!

[privategal]

Thanks everyone for your support! You are right, we didn't pass flirtations or fall back into old habits. It felt like a proper adult conversation along the lines of "yeah, it sucks and it's tough but we will get through this for the sake of our partners and M's, is just going to take a bit of time".

 

Today I just feel sad. But I almost feel it's that one step closer to putting the past behind me, letting go and moving on.

 

GC you will have many more sad days.

The next wave is feeling like he has already forgotten and the sadness of feeling like strangers.

The emails you exchanged helped temporarily as any contact is like doing a little bit of the drug you are addicted to.

Its those upcoming days with radio silence that you need to prepare for.

And I only say that so that when the hard days come you recognize them for what they are...just bad days.

Also you mentioned worrying about what LS will think of you for breaking NC.

 

Do not worry about that. Your journey is yours. No harsh feedback here is relevant. Of course you will hear many times...stay nc...focus on your M....

Its good advice yes...I just think when some mm/ow/mow/mom "mess up" they are terrified to tell the boards and often dont due to backlash or judgement.

 

People want to help and none of us know eachother so the sense of anonymity should allow all to have a safe space here.

 

I hope you are ok. Hugs.

[imsosad]

Hi Jenkins - I hope those monkeys behaved themselves so how long did it take for you to get to "genuine NC" after break up? Did the slip ups happen after d-day? Were they just to say hi? If you prefer not to talk about it because it dredges up painful memories I understand - only share what you feel comfortable with! I'm just curious to hear another perspective. It's so hard when I have gone from seeing my xAP four days a week at work and hearing from him by email/text 5 to 7 days per week to go to completely nothing! But isn't that what you do when you give up smoking, go cold turkey? and the cravings get less and less. I know it's for the best and there is nothing left further to say to each other. I'm just looking forward to the day when the whole thing doesn't hurt as much!

Gc, im so sorry you're hurting.

This is a temporary setback. You are right back on track!

I know you want to stop hurting. I hear you!

It gets better. I promise! It really does. You have to push through.

And i am a slow healer, it takesme ages to get over emotinal issues.

You asked jenkins about nc, so here i am chipping in my two cents.

I first went nc about two month in to the A. It was awful. A week later i broke nc and we both crawled back. Two months later i ended it again. This time it took me tgree days before i drunk dialled him. Omg. So embarrasing. I am a grown woman, i have four children and i drunk dialled him like a teenager.

Anyway.

By then,we both knew it was going to be over. He tried to prolong it,but one day i just told myself,its now or never.i really needed to get MYSELF back.

Ended it. Knew it was it for me.

It was crazy bad. Ias in so much pain. But i just decided that there was no point and id have to go through this at some time,so better to get it overwith.

I have not broken NC in 8 months. Actually, once i got through 2-3 months i knew i would never break it. I mean,i got through the worst of it,so why go back.

He broke nc three times.

Each time threw me off, triggered me, knocked me off balanced and flew in to regression. It stabilised soon enough,though.

I really get you want to feel more healed right here,right now.

Take your time.

Im so glad i stuck to nc. I love NC like a dear family member:) i really feel it is the best decision i could have made. Have faith in nc, it will get you to where you want to be.

I believe everyone has setbacks, you just have to jump right back in the game.

GC, i know you've got this!

[jenkins95]

Hi Grey Cloud, and other followers of this thread - how are you all doing at the start of a new week?

 

One thing I have noticed over the past few weeks is that Sundays can often be a particularly difficult day for people in NC/recovery, but that things can sometimes seem a little brighter on Monday morning. This was illustrated very well on imperfectangel's thread, and I have seen it on other threads.

 

I started to answer your question yesterday GC.....

 

so how long did it take for you to get to "genuine NC" after break up? Did the slip ups happen after d-day? Were they just to say hi?

 

......and it has turned into such a long reply, that I am going to start a new thread with it - a kind of an analysis/breakdown of the end of an affair, struggles with NC, etc., so please watch out for it. I'll hopefully post it this afternoon, and I'd love to get feedback from you and our gang.

 

Hi Jenkins - I hope those monkeys behaved themselves

Well, one of them seemed to be extremely guarded over his mobile phone and kept checking it when the others weren't looking, so that raised my suspicions a bit ;-)

 

So your friend will have started work with your xMM now! Wow, that must feel strange!

[Grey Cloud]

Gc, im so sorry you're hurting.

This is a temporary setback. You are right back on track!

I know you want to stop hurting. I hear you!

It gets better. I promise! It really does. You have to push through.

And i am a slow healer, it takesme ages to get over emotinal issues.

You asked jenkins about nc, so here i am chipping in my two cents.

I first went nc about two month in to the A. It was awful. A week later i broke nc and we both crawled back. Two months later i ended it again. This time it took me tgree days before i drunk dialled him. Omg. So embarrasing. I am a grown woman, i have four children and i drunk dialled him like a teenager.

Anyway.

By then,we both knew it was going to be over. He tried to prolong it,but one day i just told myself,its now or never.i really needed to get MYSELF back.

Ended it. Knew it was it for me.

It was crazy bad. Ias in so much pain. But i just decided that there was no point and id have to go through this at some time,so better to get it overwith.

I have not broken NC in 8 months. Actually, once i got through 2-3 months i knew i would never break it. I mean,i got through the worst of it,so why go back.

He broke nc three times.

Each time threw me off, triggered me, knocked me off balanced and flew in to regression. It stabilised soon enough,though.

I really get you want to feel more healed right here,right now.

Take your time.

Im so glad i stuck to nc. I love NC like a dear family member:) i really feel it is the best decision i could have made. Have faith in nc, it will get you to where you want to be.

I believe everyone has setbacks, you just have to jump right back in the game.

GC, i know you've got this!

 

Thank you for this. You have given me the extra determination and strength I needed to forge ahead, get past the initial 2 to 3 month stage and start getting into the NC territory when there are more good days than bad.

[Grey Cloud]

GC you will have many more sad days.

The next wave is feeling like he has already forgotten and the sadness of feeling like strangers.

The emails you exchanged helped temporarily as any contact is like doing a little bit of the drug you are addicted to.

Its those upcoming days with radio silence that you need to prepare for.

And I only say that so that when the hard days come you recognize them for what they are...just bad days.

Also you mentioned worrying about what LS will think of you for breaking NC.

 

Do not worry about that. Your journey is yours. No harsh feedback here is relevant. Of course you will hear many times...stay nc...focus on your M....

Its good advice yes...I just think when some mm/ow/mow/mom "mess up" they are terrified to tell the boards and often dont due to backlash or judgement.

 

People want to help and none of us know eachother so the sense of anonymity should allow all to have a safe space here.

 

I hope you are ok. Hugs.

 

Thanks PrivateGal! I find the majority of posters on LS to be supportive and considerate. I definitely feel grateful for that

[Grey Cloud]

Hi

 

 

 

 

 

Well, one of them seemed to be extremely guarded over his mobile phone and kept checking it when the others weren't looking, so that raised my suspicions a bit ;-)

 

!

 

Those naughty monkeys guarding their mobile phones!! Thank you for making me laugh out loud!!

[jenkins95]

Gc, im so sorry you're hurting.

This is a temporary setback. You are right back on track!

I know you want to stop hurting. I hear you!

It gets better. I promise! It really does. You have to push through.

And i am a slow healer, it takesme ages to get over emotinal issues.

You asked jenkins about nc, so here i am chipping in my two cents.

I first went nc about two month in to the A. It was awful. A week later i broke nc and we both crawled back. Two months later i ended it again. This time it took me tgree days before i drunk dialled him. Omg. So embarrasing. I am a grown woman, i have four children and i drunk dialled him like a teenager.

Anyway.

By then,we both knew it was going to be over. He tried to prolong it,but one day i just told myself,its now or never.i really needed to get MYSELF back.

Ended it. Knew it was it for me.

It was crazy bad. Ias in so much pain. But i just decided that there was no point and id have to go through this at some time,so better to get it overwith.

I have not broken NC in 8 months. Actually, once i got through 2-3 months i knew i would never break it. I mean,i got through the worst of it,so why go back.

He broke nc three times.

Each time threw me off, triggered me, knocked me off balanced and flew in to regression. It stabilised soon enough,though.

I really get you want to feel more healed right here,right now.

Take your time.

Im so glad i stuck to nc. I love NC like a dear family member:) i really feel it is the best decision i could have made. Have faith in nc, it will get you to where you want to be.

I believe everyone has setbacks, you just have to jump right back in the game.

GC, i know you've got this!

 

This is a really inspirational post imsosad, and I really agree with your comments on NC. Specifically: -

 

1. When it gets broken, it throws you back and undoes a lot of the good work.

 

2. It is VERY difficult at first and you inevitably get very tempted to break it.

 

3. When you are strong and get past 2-3 months it becomes easier and you get to the point where you know (well, beyond reasonable doubt) that you are not going to break it.

 

Yes, NC IS like a family member - it provides comfort (eventually), safety and security.

 

Keep it up imsosad (I know you will), and keep posting!

[jenkins95]

Thank you for this. You have given me the extra determination and strength I needed to forge ahead, get past the initial 2 to 3 month stage and start getting into the NC territory when there are more good days than bad.

 

You will get there GC - you are doing and amazing job! Well done. Proud of you!

 

At first in NC you almost can't believe that it will get easier - I couldn't. But I just trusted in what other posters, like imsosad were saying - like blind faith. And they are right! Thanks so much for your lovely comments and the hug on my thread. I really needed it and it meant as lot!

 

i really hope your week is going well! Keep posting!

[jenkins95]

GC you will have many more sad days.

The next wave is feeling like he has already forgotten and the sadness of feeling like strangers.

The emails you exchanged helped temporarily as any contact is like doing a little bit of the drug you are addicted to.

Its those upcoming days with radio silence that you need to prepare for.

And I only say that so that when the hard days come you recognize them for what they are...just bad days.

Also you mentioned worrying about what LS will think of you for breaking NC.

 

Great words privategal - totally agree with you. The radio silence can hurt.....but it gets less and soon becomes the norm.

 

Do not worry about that. Your journey is yours. No harsh feedback here is relevant. Of course you will hear many times...stay nc...focus on your M....

Its good advice yes...I just think when some mm/ow/mow/mom "mess up" they are terrified to tell the boards and often dont due to backlash or judgement.

 

People want to help and none of us know eachother so the sense of anonymity should allow all to have a safe space here.

 

Yes, I avoided LS for a long time when I was in a mess at the end of my affair, because I feared a backlash. It's great that you came and told us GC

[Grey Cloud]

This is a really inspirational post imsosad, and I really agree with your comments on NC. Specifically: -

 

1. When it gets broken, it throws you back and undoes a lot of the good work.

 

2. It is VERY difficult at first and you inevitably get very tempted to break it.

 

3. When you are strong and get past 2-3 months it becomes easier and you get to the point where you know (well, beyond reasonable doubt) that you are not going to break it.

 

Yes, NC IS like a family member - it provides comfort (eventually), safety and security.

 

Keep it up imsosad (I know you will), and keep posting!

 

Yes, I definitely agree with points 1 and 2. The first 24 hours after NC was broken, I felt good. I got my hit. I heard how he was going and I heard he was struggling too. But he also did say that "things were better than ever at home".....now he was no longer having to juggle the A (his wife was very suspicious) and I guess things got a lot easier once his mind had been made up. I remember when we decided to go our separate ways he said later he felt relief, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. I really think at the start of affairs it's easier for men to compartmentalize but the minute the two worlds start colliding it causes stress and anxiety.

 

I know I was only in very early days but I feel that breaking

NC has set me back. Again, going through all of those feelings of what the hell I have done? And feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. And it's ironic that by him cheating with me I am now the cause of his M becoming stronger! I am hoping my M will become stronger as well but I realise it's a work in progress and not going to be overnight as appears to be the case with my xMM!

If anything it has helped my resolve not to break NC again. What is the point? So I can get another update about how great him and his w are doing? (Even that's how it should be and ultimately how I want it to be). I just don't need to hear about it! Everyone who has posted before about NC protecting YOU is so correct. It allows us to heal. Constant reminders of them don't. Lesson learnt.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, I definitely agree with points 1 and 2. The first 24 hours after NC was broken, I felt good. I got my hit. I heard how he was going and I heard he was struggling too. But he also did say that "things were better than ever at home".....now he was no longer having to juggle the A (his wife was very suspicious) and I guess things got a lot easier once his mind had been made up. I remember when we decided to go our separate ways he said later he felt relief, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. I really think at the start of affairs it's easier for men to compartmentalize but the minute the two worlds start colliding it causes stress and anxiety.

 

I know I was only in very early days but I feel that breaking

NC has set me back. Again, going through all of those feelings of what the hell I have done? And feeling sick in the pit of my stomach. And it's ironic that by him cheating with me I am now the cause of his M becoming stronger! I am hoping my M will become stronger as well but I realise it's a work in progress and not going to be overnight as appears to be the case with my xMM!

If anything it has helped my resolve not to break NC again. What is the point? So I can get another update about how great him and his w are doing? (Even that's how it should be and ultimately how I want it to be). I just don't need to hear about it! Everyone who has posted before about NC protecting YOU is so correct. It allows us to heal. Constant reminders of them don't. Lesson learnt.

 

No it's not stronger do not delude yourself into thinking this. A M with infidelity involved whether known or not is never strong. All it takes is for the A to be discovered and the M will be decimated in a second. The fact that the MM has to keep up this front, knowing he has a deep secret, keeps a certain disconnect in the M.

[Grey Cloud]

No it's not stronger do not delude yourself into thinking this. A M with infidelity involved whether known or not is never strong. All it takes is for the A to be discovered and the M will be decimated in a second. The fact that the MM has to keep up this front, knowing he has a deep secret, keeps a certain disconnect in the M.

 

I agree with you Lady Designer. However I think in xMM's mind he thinks everything is roses now! That is/was the frustrating part for me. That because he was no longer in the A that suddenly he had reconciled his guilt. I know it's going to take a long time for me to deal with it all. I know things would probably be better in his m somewhat because his w was suspicious and now even on a subconscious level she is realising he has "come back" to the m because he is no longer distracted or acting secretive. I think he is the type of guy who can easily compartmentalize. Maybe if there had of been d-day it would be totally different!

[Grey Cloud]

So I have another quick update on this whole breaking NC thing!! As you will read from my previous posts, I broke NC (less than 2 weeks out), xMM and I exchanged some 'nice' emails, he said he was triggered all the time by thoughts of me and we re-established NC. Was feeling sad but resigned to NC again.

 

Just over a day later he emails me asking for advice on a 'work' email he was about to send to a former co-worker (we both know). I was somewhat surprised but gave him some advice which he said he appreciated etc. I made a joke "so much for our NC hahaha" and he said we can start that again now if you like. And I said first let me know when the former co-worker replies to you and let me know what they said (basically prolonging the contact and starting to stupidly think in my head we could be friends and do LC. And also feeling 'good' that he seeked my advice like he used to etc). The next day he sends me the reply and we chat some more on email and then suddenly I get "can't talk, w is around". And then I think what the hell I am doing? Why am I continuing to have a conversation with him? And the whole thing just reminded me again of the A - the whole "gotta go" scenarios all the time. Then the next day I went on to a career networking site that my xAP and I are "connected" on there. A bit like FB I guess. Anyway, xAP had posted details of his new job up there and I saw a comment from his w "I am so proud of you. I have the best husband ever. Love you xxx".

 

Well, I felt physically sick reading that and I just saw red. I jumped on my email and just went nuts at him. Saying I can't believe we did what we did and he may have moved on from the guilt and conveniently put everything behind him but I hadn't. That we had both betrayed our partners. That the whole thing was a mess. He could tell me that things "are better then ever at home" but his w would be destroyed if she knew the reasons why he was suddenly committed to the m again. That I want to move on and don't want anything to do with his life. It's a bit embarrassing now how much I went off but having had contact with him for three days in a row had really messed with my head again. I said this would be my last ever email and contact to him. That to please not respond and I never want to hear from him again. I ended the email by saying I sincerely wish him all the best for the future with him and his family. Goodbye and good luck.

 

Thank god he never responded. So in the end, what I thought was a 'nice' way to finish things off and go NC again ended up with me being an emotional psycho and finishing off with a major rant like a lunatic! But it's done and I truly feel this is the end now. He just upsets me too much. I want to heal and move on. For all of those thinking of breaking NC just don't do it. You start getting sucked back in then it turns around and bites you on the ass even harder than before.

 

NC - day 1 (again!). Sigh...

[imperfectangel]

Good luck and yeah that sucks when me and mm used to text I'd get that though tbh I don't see why he'd have to say that to you on email surely it's normal to not always be able to reply instantly.

 

Seems strange to me but idk your mm if that's normal behaviour from him. Could he be trying to rub your nose in it?