nofeelings Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I have been married to my husband for almost 18 years. He has done some pretty rotten things and they have broken me emotionally. It started about 13 years ago when i found he was looking at porn.. not just any porn... raping, bondage etc. He knew i had been raped when i was 16. When i confronted him he said "i wanted to spice up our sex life".... really??? He promised to stop over and over again.. idk if he has because i quite frankly dont want to know. Then about 7 years ago i caught him talking to an ex of his on yahoo messenger. Before i could log on to his account to read what was being said, he got on another computer and deleted all messages. He was even calling her in the mornings from his work before he would call me. He promised to stop that too.. but only after i found out they were still talking 3 months kater, did he tell her in front of me that he was stopping their talking. 2 years ago i found he was talkung to another ex... both women live 1000s of miles away.. this other woman was also a woman he had an affair with when he was married the first time. I made him facebook message her to stop contacting him and the he deleted and blocked her. I decided a month later to create a fake facebook and he fell for it.. was going to meet "her" etc. Of course after 2 wreks when i cinfronted him he said "i knew it was you". I feel like thats a huge lie because he told "her/me" in a message that "i dont know why i havent stopped this, not so much for her sake but for our kids" . I know my husband.. if he thought it was me.. he would have ended the communicating first thing by telling "her" that he was happily married etc. All of these mistrusts have made me cold towards him. I have all but stopped sex with him and we barely talk. We have 3 kids together ages 14, 10 and 6. I feel like i want to leave but i dont want to hurt my kids. He says hes been faithful since the last emotional affair... i want to believe him, but i dont. I cant tell him i want yo leave or he will " guilt" me into staying. My 14 year old says he "cries" to her sometimes about his fear of me leaving. That pisses me off.. please... any advice? Weve tried individual and couples counseling but he stopped going. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Why did he stop going to counselling? Did you tell him that you're not happy in the marriage, that your trust has been betrayed so many times that you find it very difficult to trust him now? Does he know how close you are to leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nofeelings Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 Idk why he quit going. Yes he knows how i feel. I cant tell him im leaving because he is very manipulative and has a way of making me feel bad. Thats why ive stayed this long. After the faje facebook i made, i told him i was leaving and he cried and begged me to stay. Unfortunately my (then 12 year old) heard me and she cried and said.. families stick together.. they dont just give up.. so ive stayed in an unhappy marriage for my kids. I love him because hes the father of my kids.. but im not in love with him anymore and i certainly dont trust him Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 Idk why he quit going. Didn't you ask him? Surely this is the first thing you would say when he tells you he's not going any more, or simply doesn't turn up? "Why aren't you going? / Why weren't you there?"?? Staying in an unhappy marriage is not good for the kids. They learn from your example. Would you like for them to remain in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their kids? Or would you prefer them to separate and find their own happiness, whilst providing a happy environment for their kids to grow up in? 2 happy, stable homes are better than 1 unhappy one. If you feel you've tried everything to fix your marriage, and your husband is still not reciprocating, then it may be time to pull the plug. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nofeelings Posted February 12, 2016 Author Share Posted February 12, 2016 Thank you! I know i want to leave.. its just a matter of how to do it without his knowledge until i just go. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 That is going to be pretty much impossible when there's kids involved. You will have to put your Big Girl Pants on, tell him, and not get swayed by his crying, begging, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ninkwithpurpose Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Let me start off by recognizing your deep commitment to your marriage. You were able to successfully communicate your concerns which persuaded your husband to participate in both individual and couple's counseling. Have you tried talking to him to figure out why he stopped going? Have you considered continuing to get counseling for yourself? Individual counseling can provide the perspective and support you may need. I wish you the best. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Thank you! I know i want to leave.. its just a matter of how to do it without his knowledge until i just go. Think about what you're doing and the example it sets for your kids. They see him manipulate you, they feel the tension in the house and now you're going to sneak out of the marriage? It's time, through your own example, to teach them how an adult deals with one of life's challenges. Be honest, set boundaries and give your husband the straight scoop. In doing so, you take away his power to affect your decisions... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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