A O Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Needing to know someone's past isn't a matter of fairness. It can be nosey though especially if the person being asked doesn't want to share this information. It can also be a sign of insecurity in both cases, if the person asking insists on knowing and the person being asked insists on privacy. In your case, you're a person that likes to share everything but this alone doesn't entitle you to the same behavior in return. And this is a bigger point than anything to do about someone's past. What it means to you if someone doesn't behave like you or if someone doesn't behave in a manner that you find acceptable....this is the central issue here. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 The question is are you willing to be open about your past too. If you aren't able to then you have no place to ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 There was a (bad) movie about it... 'what's your number ' Personally I usually follow the 'don't ask don't tell' doctrine. I trusted my previous ex to be faithful, they told me for some of them their number, sometimes it was high, sometimes I never knew. If they are not going to tell me, I won't either but I'm not the one asking for it after a few lines or a quick chat Irl. It's probably an insecurity problem to want to know, and if your partner number is high it will be even more an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 The question is are you willing to be open about your past too. If you aren't able to then you have no place to ask. I have told her everything about my past and up until yesterday i didnt know much about hers. We have spoke about it and i feel myself i understand her better now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Well, with respect - you're the one who started it by making it a big deal. If it hadn't bothered you so much, you wouldn't have posted. And if she had not finally 'come clean' - it would still be a 'big deal' to you. Its not a big deal as u are making out. We were just chatting about each others pasts and at this point i had told her everything about mine whereas she was like there are some things i dont want you knowing. I started this thread as i wasnt sure how to feel about that, the feeling of your gf keeping something from you, it could have been a big deal that could have effected our relationship. We spoke about it and now i feel i have a better understanding of my gf and why she acts how she sometimes does. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 (edited) Well, with respect - you're the one who started it by making it a big deal. If it hadn't bothered you so much, you wouldn't have posted. And if she had not finally 'come clean' - it would still be a 'big deal' to you. [Humor mode ON] It's nice to know that when Tara and I get together, I can tell her "I have a really big, horrible secret I am not going to tell you about because if I did I am afraid you will run screaming from me as though the hounds of hell were nipping at your heels. Now hun, what's on TV tonight?" [Humor mode off] OP, I do not think you were over reacting. When she told you what she did, she created a cliff hanger. Of course it is going to be something you will be wondering about. IMO, if she didn't want you to know she shouldn't have said anything. Now that you know, your relationship can only get stronger as it overcomes another of life's little roadblocks... Edited February 14, 2016 by Poutrew Link to post Share on other sites
Author jsmith92 Posted February 14, 2016 Author Share Posted February 14, 2016 I dont think i was either. Like you say she could have just not said anything but to say 'there is something about my past i dont want you knowing' it just made me wonder like it would anyone else. Yes it was my choice to be 100% open with her and the fact that she wasnt being with me made me think why. I told her she can tell me anything and we would talk about it, she told me and we spoke about it and now i have a better understanding of the person she is, i feel like i know her a bit more now and thats only a good thing for us. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Asking about someone's past isn't quite the same as asking for their "number." the former is valid and is normal the latter is juvenile. All of us are a sum of our past experiences and your past comes up in getting to know people, be they friends or romantic partners. I know about their childhood, their family, past relationships, different things, that all helps to give me a sense of their story and who the person is that's in front of me today, as they didn't simply come out of thin air. But I'm not gonna be hung up on asking about specific numbers or specific sexual experiences. I do think you should feel free and comfortable to share, if you want to, I think you should feel like you can tell your SO anything and you're not actively lying or hiding. I think actively hiding or lying about certain things is not acceptable but is different from simply not thinking it's worth mentioning. However, if your gf didn't want you to know something she should have not said anything at all. It's silly to announce you have something you cannot share or won't share, as now the person will start wondering and worrying about it whereas if you had not said a thing they wouldn't know to be concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Asking about someone's past isn't quite the same as asking for their "number." the former is valid and is normal the latter is juvenile. All of us are a sum of our past experiences and your past comes up in getting to know people, be they friends or romantic partners. I know about their childhood, their family, past relationships, different things, that all helps to give me a sense of their story and who the person is that's in front of me today, as they didn't simply come out of thin air. But I'm not gonna be hung up on asking about specific numbers or specific sexual experiences. I do think you should feel free and comfortable to share, if you want to, I think you should feel like you can tell your SO anything and you're not actively lying or hiding. I think actively hiding or lying about certain things is not acceptable but is different from simply not thinking it's worth mentioning. However, if your gf didn't want you to know something she should have not said anything at all. It's silly to announce you have something you cannot share or won't share, as now the person will start wondering and worrying about it whereas if you had not said a thing they wouldn't know to be concerned. Juvenile? Guess you have secrets. A person is entitled to know everything to make an informed decisions and if a person is refusing to reveal that then they should take themselves out of the dating world. Link to post Share on other sites
A O Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 A person is entitled to know diddly squat joystickd. It is a privilege, not an entitlement when someone opens themselves up to you. And it remains a privilege whether its the first day you've met or you're many years into a relationship. We can also make informed decisions by the manner in which people interact, both with yourself and with others. In fact, these can be far more accurate than mere words. Ask a question, any ole question and you're going to get two answers (1) the verbal reply and (2) the non-verbal reaction(s). One or both instances will give you information to base a decision on. And regardless of all this, we "all" have secrets, many of which, have sweet stuff all to to with anyone else let alone a budding relationship prospect. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Juvenile? Guess you have secrets. A person is entitled to know everything to make an informed decisions and if a person is refusing to reveal that then they should take themselves out of the dating world. I don't know why you presume that a person has any entitlement to know everything to make informed decisions. You know absolutely nothing about a person you're attracted to, and yet you decide to carry on going out with them, dating them, and making progress. On what basis are you making THAT "informed decision"....? I think your comment is a little extreme to say the least. I don't know everything about my husband, and I've known him since 2004. Do I feel cheated, deprived and excluded? No, believe me, I don't. Do I believe I am entitled to know everything, or that I even should? Not really. Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 You have every right to ask and she has an obligation to either decline or to tell you the truth. A lot of women will lie about the number of partners for obvious reasons. My wife told me what she wanted me to hear and it wasn't close to her actual number and she left out all the ONS's and short term relationships - that is until I busted her in a lie. So you can hope she tells you the truth and you can hope that she tells you all the numbers but chances are she will tell you just enough not to make you run. The other important aspect of this is her past is a good indication of what her future might hold. If she had a lot of one night stands and hookup with strangers that would be a concern for me. If she cheated on her boyfriends that would be a concern for me. If she has lots of unprotected sex how would she know who had HIV/AIDS and who didn't? My wife (girlfriend at the time) had a ONS with a stranger while we broke up for a few weeks. He banged her four different times that night. She asked him to wear a rubber but after the first session he didn't wear one. Then a couple weeks later she wants to get back together with me - lies to me about her being with anyone during that breakup period and as a result she could have infected me with all sorts of STD's including HIV/AIDS. So for those who tell you the past is the past let it go in one ear and out the other because her past IS important. Obviously you having only dated a few girls you wouldn't be interested in someone who has just the opposite experience (I would suspect anyways). Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 jsmith92, I am of the opinion that your wife's, or yours, sexual past should be private. The exception is if this sexual past impacts the present relationship. I also believe, that as you get older, a general run down is a fair question. IE, DUI, past long term relationships, marriages, financial history, children, porn or sex videos on the web, are fair game. These should be in a broad way. I would also add that lying about sexual past to be with someone who is religious is not right, as you are fraudulently trying to be something you are not. This assumes, that you are asking about the past before you met. If you separate, or are apart, and then get back together, it is fair to ask about sexual happening. So...... In your case, it is my sense that you should not ask, and let her past be her own. She is not trying to be something she is not, and unless she has sexual trauma, that is impacting your sex life and relationship, leave it be. I think if you really need to know, when and if you decide to marry, you could revisit, but only if it is impacting the relationship. Please keep in mind that if you ask hard questions, you must be prepared for hard answers back. My two cents, and I wish you and her luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 A person is entitled to know everything to make an informed decisions Someone who won't tell you "everything" is telling you something - they feel their need for privacy trumps your need to know. You can respect that or not and make decisions accordingly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Feelings like this are a good indicator of compatibility. If you are open and she is closed, it might not be a good sign. My wife and I are both open to sharing. We don't delve too deeply, but if there was some huge thing in her past, I would know. People are free to make choices. She has every right to indulge in a fraternity gangbang. You have every right to not date her because of that act. In your case, it was a very minor issue. It's good that you now know and both of you can move forward without this hanging over your head. The real issue is that she told you about it being something she is ashamed of but then not telling you what it was. That can lead to some serious mind games. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 I think this is about her sleeping with a mutual friend before sleeping with you. Men get funny about that especially if they think the other guy had something like a good body or a big ****. Would it not be easier if you dated a chick whose exes you didn't know? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Men get funny about that especially if they think the other guy had something like a good body or a big ****. How would a guy know if a friend had a big ****? The few that have told me they did, I've just assumed the opposite is true ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 If you read this message board long enough you'll quickly realise it's ok for women to ask their man anything about their prior relationship history and that a man is strictly prohibited from asking about his girlfriends sexual past. He also must accept it no ifs or buts. Any deviations from that and said guy is instantly labelled a pig, insecure, controlling, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 If you read this message board long enough you'll quickly realise it's ok for women to ask their man anything about their prior relationship history and that a man is strictly prohibited from asking about his girlfriends sexual past. He also must accept it no ifs or buts. Any deviations from that and said guy is instantly labelled a pig, insecure, controlling, etc. back atcha.... Don't be eatin' too many of them grapes, they's really sour..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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