We broke up, but we still hang out? [update 2016-07-13]

[bummer]

You can still think he's a great guy and admit your love for him changed. Assigning blame may feel helpful but I don't think here you will gain from blaming yourseldf. You were moving on for the last six months whether you knew it or not. Hope you are moving on now.

[Kkristine]

My ex left me for someone else. He cheated on me once before we were broken up. When we did break up, he didn’t even admit it. I found out about everything a few days later. His excuse was that they "clicked", and he loves me, but he's not in love with me. I won’t go into detail about everything because it doesn’t matter anymore.

 

I’m having a really hard time moving on. I keep torturing myself by looking at social media. I get in my mind that they are no longer together, so I start to feel happy again. Then, I drove by his house last night & found her car there. Then, my grieving process starts all over again. Then, I still have in the back of my mind that false hope that he will contact me.

 

I keep telling myself that it doesn’t matter that they are together still, even though it’s only been 2 weeks, what matters is that I could never take him back. So, why can’t I just move on! I was with this man for 4 years, lived together for 3, he was my best friend who I NEVER thought would betray me.

 

I do blame myself in a lot of ways because I went through depression when we lived together, and I really pushed him away. I don’t blame him for what he did, and I hate feeling like that. I try to put myself in his shoes, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who can’t even kiss me either. “If only, if only, if only, I was good to him. We would still be together. ” (I keep repeating to myself.)

 

I also try to tell myself that if I was truly happy with him, I wouldn't have let myself go with him like I did. I had no strive in life and was very selfish, so not me. I never dressed up, never cared to impress him. I absolutely leaned on him as a parent for like the last year of our relationship, and miss the co-dependency more than anything. To be honest, I just miss having that "best friend."

 

If only he would’ve broken up with me a long time ago when he wasn’t feeling it, maybe he would’ve saved me some grief. But, he had to wait until someone else was lined up. That’s what hurts the most.

 

I’m 26 years old, and even though that is very young, I’m terrified I’m never going to meet anyone. I can’t even look at another man right now.

 

Sorry for the pity party here, I can only talk to my friends and family so much until they get sick of hearing about it.

Edited June 25, 2016 by Kkristine

[Lobe]

Exit affairs are, I think, the hardest to take because the BS has to cope with not only the betrayal but the breakup. And the breakup is doubly difficult to cope with because which is worse - that he "left me because he found someone better" or was "so unhappy with me he had to find someone else." It's not like a clean break where he said look, I'm not happy, you're not happy - this isn't working, we should move on. Will that equate to a longer recovery period? Perhaps, but here are some things to help you get your head on straight.

 

1.) the cheating is 100% his fault, and this new relationship is likely more about him needing to borrow her ladyballs to leave than it is about her being a better person. Comparing yourself to her isn't fair to you. It's possible that she is his one true love, but it's just as if not more likely that once he finishes using her to move on from you, she'll be discarded as well. Statistically, she has an average shelf like of 6 months, and the chances of them getting and staying married are less than 1%. Go read some of the OW/OM threads and you'll see that it's no cakewalk. Regardless of how that relationship shakes down, it's not your problem anymore.

 

2.) the relationship failing is a 50/50 split. You did not drive him into the other woman's arms. He should have come to you long ago and said look, I'm really unhappy. I miss the girl I fell in love with - let's go talk to a counsellor. Instead, he found a lifeline to drag himself out, and left you holding the bag. Would he have been an arse for leaving you while you were depressed? Yup. But at least he'd have been an honest and loyal arse. Quit bargaining with yourself about if only I was a better this or that and remember you probably would have been a better this or that if he had communicated that he was unhappy and you had worked together towards repairing or dissolving the relationship openly. Instead, he took the coward's route. Don't romanticize his departure.

 

3.) take care of you. Were you in IC for your depression? If not, now is the time. You're going to need a tonne of support rebuilding your self esteem and finding a new path for yourself. Pining for what could have been will only spiral you deeper into depression so nip it in the bud. My divorce lawyer said the best revenge was living well. The tendency is to want the person to see how hurt and damaged and devastated you are. The logic is, if he sees how sad I am he will at least feel guilty for ruining me. Instead, you need all the confidence you can muster, so putting the time in to take care of yourself, to look and feel your best will not only be therapeutic, but when/if you bump into him will send the message that you were miserable, too, so thanks for cutting me loose.

 

Be patient with yourself.

 

Good luck!

[BetrayedH]

The length of the relationship has a lot to do with it. I'd been with my wife for 17 years and married for 12 when I discovered her infidelity. It took until about 2 year post-divorce before I would really say that I was pretty well recovered. By recovered I simply mean that I was doing more looking forward than I was looking back.

 

Your relationship wasn't a marriage and was only 4 years (so I suspect you'll recover more quickly) but you're only two weeks in.

 

All that said, much of the timing also has to do with your approach. Other than learning from your mistakes (which it seems has happened for you), what good does it do for you to look backwards?

 

A friend of mine once asked, how can you drive forward when your eyes are always in the rear-view mirror?

[oldshirt]

I've skimmed back through your prior posts and your history of insecurities and attraction issues for him and troubles in your relationship goes back to Nov of 2012. Sounds like this was a somewhat rocky and questionable relationship all along.

 

That doesn't negate the pain and anguish now as all break ups hurt and can span some periods of self doubt and uncertainty about the future.

 

As you have a history of insecurity and self doubt and depression, I think addressing that should be step one.

 

I think your fear should not be that you will never find love again because that is an irrational fear that is completely unrealistic. I think your real fear ought to be that you will reenter another relationship without getting your personal issues addressed and better managed.

[oldshirt]

now to address your actual question.

 

I think the length and efficiency of your recovery will depend on how efficiently and effectively you can address and manage your insecurity and depression issues.

 

My nonexpert, nonprofessional, personal opinion is that your recovery will benefit from some professional assistance. I think this is beyond the typical "hit the gym' and "do some new hobbies' and " take a class' type advice that is usually given out to people when they get dumped.

 

If you broke your arm, you wouldn't hesitate to go to a doctor to get it appropriately fixed so that it will heal in an effective manner. I don't see any real difference here.

[Mr Blunt]

I do blame myself in a lot of ways becauseI went through depression when we lived together, and I really pushed him away.I don’t blame him for what he did, and I hate feeling like that. I try to putmyself in his shoes, and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who can’t even kissme either. “If only, if only, if only, I was good to him. We would still betogether. ” (I keep repeating to myself.)

 

I also try to tell myself that if I was truly happy with him, I wouldn't havelet myself go with him like I did. I had no strive in life and was veryselfish, so not me. I never dressed up, never cared to impress him. I absolutely leaned on him as a parent forlike the last year of our relationship, and miss the co-dependency more thananything. To be honest, I just miss having that "best friend."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are brave and very open about yourself,however, that is just the first step. Your words above tell me that you shouldfocus totally on improving yourself so that you are not so “co-dependent” andchange the things that you say are “so not me”

 

 

Be diligent about getting all the help thatyou can from all the sources that are available; then YOU DO YOUR PART!

 

 

It will not be difficult for a good therapist to pinpoint what you need to work on; the difficult part will be youfollowing through with the correct advice and plan. Millions have done it and so can you.

[dichotomy]

First marriage then ended - 12 years.

 

Took me 1.5 years or a little more to get over it enough to function normally. Way too long. Thank God we had no kids - it would have taken forever.

[Kkristine]

So, my ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago. We were together for 4 years, and shared two cats. I contacted him today because I want one of them. He thankfully said yes

 

Of course, that got me to thinking...

 

I have some unresolved questions that I would like to ask him about our breakup, would this be inappropriate? I do not want him back as I only feel hatred towards him at this point, but I do want to feel better about the whole thing.

[Trinity_84]

Well, you need to do what you think would make you happy.

 

Do you think hearing his answers would help you or make sad to know his "truth" (if he's even willing to discuss it)?

 

Do you think it would help you get closure or open up a can of more unanswered questions?

 

 

 

Personally, I would have a third party help me with the cat-transfer process. It's still way too soon after the BU to have any kind of real healthy exchange with such a serious ex. It would just open up unhealed wounds for me, when my only interest is to get my cat back and heal and move on.

[bummer]

If you ask, be prepared that he may not answer as you imagine (will hurt), he may lie to act cool/save you/save him from hurt (will hurt), it will make more questions (will hurt) and it will prolong mutual anxiety and discomfort (will hurt).

 

As long as you don't care if he answers or what he says, ask. But in that case you are better off not asking because the answers you get are irrelevant to your healing.

 

I asked, and asked, and the answers just piled on more questions and hurt me worse.

[Trinity_84]

Hey there's nothing wrong with having tattoos all over btw, each to their own

[BC1980]

So, my ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago. We were together for 4 years, and shared two cats. I contacted him today because I want one of them. He thankfully said yes

 

Of course, that got me to thinking...

 

I have some unresolved questions that I would like to ask him about our breakup, would this be inappropriate? I do not want him back as I only feel hatred towards him at this point, but I do want to feel better about the whole thing.

 

It's not about questions being inappropriate or appropriate. It's about the fact that you probably aren't going to get the answers you want. Think about what she really would like to hear from him and why you think it will make you feel better.

 

In response to one of your previous posts, it's generally not helpful to see people in black-and-white. People are not all good or all bad. We are all different shades of gray, and we are all capable of hurting other people. If he cheated on you, it doesn't negate the good stuff you did. All relationships have good times. But still, cheating is usually an end to a relationship. Sometimes all the good thing is things in the world can't outweigh something really really bad.

[Zahara]

I do not want him back as I only feel hatred towards him at this point, but I do want to feel better about the whole thing.

 

It's not a question as to whether it is appropriate or not but more so the measure of genuine responses you will get from a man that has been sneaky with engaging other women (your past threads) behind your back.

 

He may lie. He may sugarcoat. He may tell you what you want to hear. So no, feeling better doesn't come from his responses but it comes from you accepting the demise of this relationship and the fact that it is not something you desire in your life and your acceptance that it is time to move on.

[Liam1]

My ex left me for someone else. He cheated on me once before we were broken up. When we did break up, he didn’t even admit it. I found out about everything a few days later. His excuse was that they "clicked", and he loves me, but he's not in love with me. I won’t go into detail about everything because it doesn’t matter anymore.

 

I’m having a really hard time moving on.

 

My longtime GF and fiance prior to my marriage had an affair and for me it was not a big deal.

 

She said it was just a sexual thing, and I believed her.

 

I am really confused about why people are so upset by a sexual fling. Now love that is a different thing and that would upset me. If someone no longer loves me than that is the time to ask for a divorce.

 

IMO, there is no greater deception than staying married to someone you no longer love, but are lying to for convenience. That to me is worse than an affair.

 

IMO, the reason why you can not move on is that you found out and when you confronted him, he GASLIGHTED you by refusing to admit to the affair.

 

Trying to distort another person's reality is very confusing to the person who knows the reality.

 

Being gaslighted is very disorienting

[Kkristine]

I think I'm finally healing after 3 weeks.

 

I think I've fallen out of love, and I no longer miss him. I do miss the good times we had, but I don't want him back anymore, nor do I care if he wants me back.

 

I no longer care to know what he is doing, and I don't freak out when my phone goes off.

 

The only hurt I feel at this point is the cheating, lying, and being told that I'm no longer loved because of this new person.

 

I felt this in the past couple of weeks, but it only lasted a few hours. Then, I was crying hysterically again. This one has lasted 2 days! haha

 

I still am not ready to go out dating again, but I am excited about the idea of it.

 

I'm just hoping I don't hear from him now that I'm starting to move on. I hear that happens quite a bit.

[Lobe]

I think I'm finally healing after 3 weeks.

 

I think I've fallen out of love, and I no longer miss him. I do miss the good times we had, but I don't want him back anymore, nor do I care if he wants me back.

 

Three weeks isn't much time - don't think of the time you need to heal as having an expiration date. Be prepared to waffle back and forth between feeling like you've got this, and feeling like you can't go on. Two steps forward, one step back is still progress.

 

Living well is the best revenge - make sure you're taking care of yourself. Sleep, exercise, good food. And surround yourself with family and friends.

[flowergirl14]

Don't pain shop! Don't drive by his house or look at social media. No contact! No contact! If you feel the need to ...post on here or chump lady, text a friend. If you have no kids together then your at an advantage. Ghost him! He isnt important in your New life!

[Sunkissedpatio]

My story is almost exactly like yours same times frames of being together and living together just add an engagement to that for a 1.5yr and there was no cheating prior, just the "exit affair" (as far as I know...I don't even know anymore)

 

 

Check out Chumplady lots of great insight on that blog, one of the wonderful ladies on here recommended it, it may have even been Lobe (sorry if it wasn't, it was in one of my threads) you will laugh out loud at some of the articles and the blogger who runs that site is an awesome writer. You will even enjoy the comments from others who are in the same boat too. That will really open your eyes to what and who you think you are pining for when and if you.

 

I am about 6 weeks out and feeling like I am finally moving on. I couldn't think of even looking at other men initially, much like you, but let me tell you I am wide awake!

 

Everything you are going through is natural your heart takes time to catch up to your head. But the head drives so once you start seeing him for what he is the heart will follow.

 

I hope you are doing even better now

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I'm just hoping I don't hear from him now that I'm starting to move on. I hear that happens quite a bit.

 

Well if you do hear from him again think of how good it will feel to reject him flat out and to laugh at his ridiculous offer on top of it.

 

You could always just block him and then you never have to deal with him again either way.

 

But I'd want to know, just for the satisfaction of slamming the door in his face

[Lobe]

great insight on that blog, one of the wonderful ladies on here recommen it may have even been Lobe (sorry if it wasn't, it was in one of my threads) you will laugh out loud at some of the articles and the blogger who runs that site is an awesome writer

 

Wasn't me. I admit, I do like chumplady's UBT but as one of the people in R, I qualify as a "chump" in her books. Her advice is funny but definitely one note: leave the cheater. The BS, the AP, they all get the same advice lol

[Mrs. John Adams]

chumplady's purpose in life is to sell books....

[underpants]

chumplady's purpose in life is to sell books....

 

Actually, she has a full time job in an unrelated area.

 

The same conclusion could be made of the many reconciliation authors, therapists, recon retreats, etc... Big business in the reconciliation industrial complex.

 

It may help the Kristine to see if that advice is helpful to healing.

 

Leave a cheater, gain a life, is the complete message she conveys.

 

Kristine, it will suck for awhile, but it will get better. Use this as an opportunity to become a stronger person, for you. Stick to no contact.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Actually, she has a full time job in an unrelated area.

 

The same conclusion could be made of the many reconciliation authors, therapists, recon retreats, etc... Big business in the reconciliation industrial complex.

 

It may help the Kristine to see if that advice is helpful to healing.

 

Leave a cheater, gain a life, is the complete message she conveys.

 

Kristine, it will suck for awhile, but it will get better. Use this as an opportunity to become a stronger person, for you. Stick to no contact.

 

A person faced with infidelity should of course pursue all avenues before them before choosing the path best suited to them.

 

Chump lady is an advocate for divorce. Period.

[Kkristine]

My ex cheated on me about a month ago, and as far as I know, they are still together. It's pretty much a done deal, as he told me he no longer has feelings for me anymore. I haven't spoken to him since.

 

However, TWICE this past week (that I've noticed), this woman has rode by my house. Both of which were very late, and she was by herself. She lives in the same town as me, so it is a possibility that we would pass each other. However, my street is a dead end. My ex also works in the same town, but lives 30 minutes away.

 

I don't know if she's just curious, or if she really is stalking me. Either way, I'm a little concerned and confused.

 

I thought maybe she thought he was cheating on her with me, as he works until 10 during the week. She rode by my house at 10:30. It just seemed odd with the timing last night. Gotta love the drama I guess. The first time it was randomly during the day, and I didn't think anything of it.

 

Just am a little freaked out that if she was snooping, how in the world did she know where I lived?

Edited July 6, 2016 by Kkristine