He threw me out

[MissCongeniality]

I don't know why I am the way I am. I've already talked about my relationship with my daughter but I've been ignoring my issues with her step father. I never... it's not that... it's hard to explain how I feel towards him. He's the first man who never smacked me around or treated me like I was a possession. He's so good and that's the problem I just want him to get mad to say that something is not alright that he's angry but he never does.

 

Like a neighbor he gave money to. This neighbor who lied about the reason he needed money lost it gambling and my husband is like "It's just money he has a disease." I wanted to flip out and scream "Are you ****ing kidding me?" But I didn't say that I just bit my tongue and let him do what he thinks is best.

 

I don't feel like I should... I'll start from the beginning my marriage to him wasn't supposed to be long term. My daughter and me we use to have it rough I saw her step dad every day in this coffee shop and would watch him. He was always striking out but seemed well off not the kind of guy that most women go for he was easy. I pretty much knew the kind of woman he wanted, someone to pay attention to him and be nice I gave him the kind of woman he wanted.

 

I have difficulty forming relationships outside of my children I'm usually very numb but with him it's different. It started when I was doing dishes and broke one of his plates I was initially worried he'd get mad but instead he's like "Oh my god your bleeding." After that I kind of stopped thinking of him as less of a solution and more as a person which was knew for me.

 

I was raised in a foster home and went through things I don't discuss I have secrets I can't even begin to speak. I feel ashamed and I feel like he deserves better because I was just pretending in the beginning. That's why I don't argue with him or object. I'm obsessed with being the perfect wife and my greatest fear is one day he'll see the real me and just throw me out.

 

It's like I wear different masks one with my husband, one with my three younger children, one with my friends, one with my firstborn and oldest daughter, one with my day job, and another I've just started to wear in the last few years.

 

I saw an advertisement for a job online for a local BDSM dungeon and started working there as a Dominatrix. I get it sounds bad but I enjoy being worshipped and I get this high from hurting people and the best part they want me to hurt them so logically I shouldn't feel guilty. It's my stress releaver for a time I'm able to escape into this other me I can be as bitchy as selfish as I want and my clients love it.

 

I'm having trouble with my oldest and plan to start therapy but I'm afraid certain things about will come out. This is how I structure my life I keep everything separate I don't let my kids see a certain side of me, I don't let my husband see certain sides of me. I do this because if people knew the things I've been through and what I've done they'd hate me. I mean how could my husband possibly love someone as damaged as me? How could anyone love the real me?

[sandylee1]

Does your husband know about your BDSM job?

[loveweary11]

Wow...

 

I don't even know where to begin.

 

You should get into therapy immediately, as well as start being more honest with your husband.

 

You are, unfortunately very, very damaged from your past.

 

You need to become a more whole, integrated person. You are also thinking too much about your husband. We marry people because we love them. He loves you. See if he can help you..gently.

 

But get to counseling asap. You are suffering needlessly.

[MissCongeniality]

Does your husband know about your BDSM job?

No. He doesn't I keep that part of my very under wraps. This job is like the only thing that gives me piece of mind and I don't know why it just relaxes me.

 

Wow...

 

I don't even know where to begin.

 

You should get into therapy immediately, as well as start being more honest with your husband.

 

You are, unfortunately very, very damaged from your past.

 

You need to become a more whole, integrated person. You are also thinking too much about your husband. We marry people because we love them. He loves you. See if he can help you..gently.

 

But get to counseling asap. You are suffering needlessly.

I don't know if he can help me or would I mean I purposely started my relationship with him just so I could use him to get a better life. What kind of person does that? I sometimes want to tell him and beg him to hurt me that's messed up right? I've been smacked around so many times I'm use to it. I mean I actually want him to physically hurt me because I feel I deserve it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been smacked around so many times I'm use to it. I mean I actually want him to physically hurt me because I feel I deserve it.

 

You obviously recognize the flaws and dangers in the potential for this mindset to destroy a good relationship. Posting here is a start, what else are you willing to do to fix this?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

Find a proper psychiatrist who has experience in abuse. I think you've reached a point in your life that you're ready to finally make a change. ALL of your problems can be solved. They truly can!! You don't need to tackle everything in one go...start with therapy & let a professional guide you through this.

 

It sounds like you've finally found a man who really loves you. That must be so frightening & confusing. I think he will stand by you & help you.

 

It's never too late to start work on becoming the person that you want to be. When you're young things happen TO you. No matter how complicit you feel, you were a victim. That damage has carried on into your adult life. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have someone know you, honestly know EVERYTHING about you & love you even more? You can have that!

[MissCongeniality]

Find a proper psychiatrist who has experience in abuse. I think you've reached a point in your life that you're ready to finally make a change. ALL of your problems can be solved. They truly can!! You don't need to tackle everything in one go...start with therapy & let a professional guide you through this.

 

It sounds like you've finally found a man who really loves you. That must be so frightening & confusing. I think he will stand by you & help you.

 

It's never too late to start work on becoming the person that you want to be. When you're young things happen TO you. No matter how complicit you feel, you were a victim. That damage has carried on into your adult life. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have someone know you, honestly know EVERYTHING about you & love you even more? You can have that!

 

The problem is I have run every possible scenario in my head he's a blind optimist and sees good in every thing he's also a people pleaser and gullible. I don't want to kill his LIGHT that is what I call it. At first I hated his personality but now I fear he will change if he knew the truth.

 

Basically this is what I fear having to say "I didn't walk up to you because I thought you were cute I didn't happen to keep bumping into you I pretty much stalked and learned everything thing about you. I was also going to divorce you and take everything leave you high and dry. But you grew on me and now I can't bear the thought of you seeing how screwed up I am."

 

I usually am very blunt and I hate that there is no other way to tell him the truth.

[htmshsj]

I'm just waiting for this to turn into a another bitter "chicks like a--holes" thread.

 

On a positive note, you're at least very self-aware. Some people go their whole lives and never make it that far.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm just waiting for this to turn into a another bitter "chicks like a--holes" thread.

 

Must be your own projection. not a single person in this thread has implied any such thing. This is more about helping the OP believe she deserves the good things in life, relationships included...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MissCongeniality]

My husband found out about my secrets and lies, how I don't know but he threw me out of the house and says he doesn't want me near the kids. He says I'm a liar and cheater. I tried explaining myself and he didn't care he said that I lied to him and betrayed him and that I was nothing but lies.

 

Now I'm worried he'll take take our kids and leave me. I just want him to forgive me I want him to see I'm not the monster he thinks I am and I know I'm not a saint but it's not like I'm the only person with a past. Yes I have lied and have had secrets but so do a lot of other people.

 

I knew he'd be mad that's why I never told him. I get I didn't start out with good intentions but I've been with him so long I've had children with him and he's been a great dad how can our time as a family not mean anything? How do I get him to take me back? Especially if he won't listen me.

[d0nnivain]

You may not be able to, depending on the nature of the lies. He can't necessarily take your kids away. Get a lawyer & a therapist straight away. Good luck

[seekingpeaceinlove]

He should have been asking YOU that same question. You're blaming him for not accepting you after he found out that he's been lied and cheated on for a while?

 

Seriously?

 

Why don't you elaborate on the type of lies/secrets he's referring to..

 

My husband found out about my secrets and lies, how I don't know but he threw me out of the house and says he doesn't want me near the kids. He says I'm a liar and cheater. I tried explaining myself and he didn't care he said that I lied to him and betrayed him and that I was nothing but lies.

 

Now I'm worried he'll take take our kids and leave me. I just want him to forgive me I want him to see I'm not the monster he thinks I am and I know I'm not a saint but it's not like I'm the only person with a past. Yes I have lied and have had secrets but so do a lot of other people.

 

I knew he'd be mad that's why I never told him. I get I didn't start out with good intentions but I've been with him so long I've had children with him and he's been a great dad how can our time as a family not mean anything? How do I get him to take me back? Especially if he won't listen me.

[BetrayedH]

I just want him to forgive me...

 

This sounds like what YOU want. Have you done anything to merit forgiveness? It sounds like you just want a free pass. How about what he wants? He probably wants a partner in life that doesn't routinely lie straight to his face while she hides a secret life.

 

...it's not like I'm the only person with a past. Yes I have lied and have had secrets but so do a lot of other people.

 

I'm sure that statement went over really well with him. Other people may lie and have secrets but he's not married to them. And why would he want to be?

 

I knew he'd be mad that's why I never told him...

 

You don't think he has a right to be mad? Notice what he's most angry about. I bet it's not that you've got this other job but that you have been a bold-faced liar to him. Stop justifying your lying.

 

...how can our time as a family not mean anything?

 

I'm sure that's exactly what he'd like to know about you. You took a crap on the marriage and you want to know why he doesn't want to sit around in crap? Are you seriously going to blame him and say that he's the one that doesn't care about the family?

 

Look, I'm really not trying to be unkind but if you want to save this marriage, you're going to have to wake up and do it quick. You screwed up here. None of it is on him. These are the natural consequences of your own decisions. Blaming him for being mad, blaming him for not caring about the family, and saying that other people lie are pretty much exactly the things that you DON'T want to do.

Edited February 12, 2016 by BetrayedH

[Ladyjane14]

Nothing says "I'm sorry" like corrective action. Get yourself into some intensive therapy as soon as humanly possible. Apologies are not enough. You have to back it up with REAL change. That means getting to the bottom of why you feel the need to act out in another persona and hide your true, vulnerable self from the one you love.

 

I'm not gonna sugar-coat it for you... even that might not be enough. Right now, this guy probably feels like he doesn't have the faintest clue as to who you really are. You'll have to take ownership of that. You've gone to quite some length to keep a secret identity from him.

 

Whether the marriage is recoverable or not, this is still work you'll need to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes I have lied and have had secrets but so do a lot of other people.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/557585-how-do-i-tell-him

 

These weren't lies like "I used butter instead of margarine". Most spouses would be equally shocked and equally unforgiving.

 

The advice to get legal counsel is timely and appropriate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

My husband found out about my secrets and lies, how I don't know but he threw me out of the house and says he doesn't want me near the kids. He says I'm a liar and cheater. I tried explaining myself and he didn't care he said that I lied to him and betrayed him and that I was nothing but lies.

 

Now I'm worried he'll take take our kids and leave me. I just want him to forgive me I want him to see I'm not the monster he thinks I am and I know I'm not a saint but it's not like I'm the only person with a past. Yes I have lied and have had secrets but so do a lot of other people.

 

I knew he'd be mad that's why I never told him. I get I didn't start out with good intentions but I've been with him so long I've had children with him and he's been a great dad how can our time as a family not mean anything? How do I get him to take me back? Especially if he won't listen me.

 

How did he find out?

[Jersey born raised]

I hope you read this is in time.

A previous poster said it best actions not words. Guard yourself, you are a switch not a Dom. Do not let being thrown out slow the switch side take over and have a ONS or fling with a man that will hurt you as a form of punishment. It will destroy any chance of reconciliation.

Look right now there is no nudity or actual sex as he, I and a lot of people understand sex to be. Both of you need time and patiences. You say you didn't love him. Say I loved you because you are the one man who didnt hurt me. I love you now because I am alive when you are with me. I love you because I want to be there for you. We are one.

 

Give your husband a chance to learn about CSA. I've read repeatly that the chances of finding a prosititue who is not a CSA viticm is as likely as a winning lottery ticket. Your role as a Dom and a battered women is a classic example.

Your OCB is an attempt to protect yourself. Your ADDD makes worse.

 

Remain still, as you fall into despair think: what would a person I admire and what to be do ? Then do it. Be the person you admire. You are not a normal serial cheater. You are broken and need to heal. If I was a friend of your husband, given no sex, no adultery, in the convention or nudity I would advise me thus: she broken, given her childhood who wouldn't be. The question is can she heal. If she can't put her aside quietly and move on, but if she is serious and will work with you and work with professionals you should try.

 

I would also warn him he is part of a cycle you go though. He is the good side, her work as a Dom the dark side. Once this cycle is broken you might not have a role in her life. A new person is created who it is, who they will love remains to be seen. Yes she will be grateful for ever, does not mean she or you will need to move on.

 

Big risk, but one born out of love.

[MissCongeniality]

I hope you read this is in time.

A previous poster said it best actions not words. Guard yourself, you are a switch not a Dom. Do not let being thrown out slow the switch side take over and have a ONS or fling with a man that will hurt you as a form of punishment. It will destroy any chance of reconciliation.

Look right now there is no nudity or actual sex as he, I and a lot of people understand sex to be. Both of you need time and patiences. You say you didn't love him. Say I loved you because you are the one man who didnt hurt me. I love you now because I am alive when you are with me. I love you because I want to be there for you. We are one.

 

Give your husband a chance to learn about CSA. I've read repeatly that the chances of finding a prosititue who is not a CSA viticm is as likely as a winning lottery ticket. Your role as a Dom and a battered women is a classic example.

Your OCB is an attempt to protect yourself. Your ADDD makes worse.

 

Remain still, as you fall into despair think: what would a person I admire and what to be do ? Then do it. Be the person you admire. You are not a normal serial cheater. You are broken and need to heal. If I was a friend of your husband, given no sex, no adultery, in the convention or nudity I would advise me thus: she broken, given her childhood who wouldn't be. The question is can she heal. If she can't put her aside quietly and move on, but if she is serious and will work with you and work with professionals you should try.

 

I would also warn him he is part of a cycle you go though. He is the good side, her work as a Dom the dark side. Once this cycle is broken you might not have a role in her life. A new person is created who it is, who they will love remains to be seen. Yes she will be grateful for ever, does not mean she or you will need to move on.

 

Big risk, but one born out of love.

I tried to explain to him about my past and he wouldn't listen ironically me getting help is what I think caused this I think he thought I was having an affair when I was going to a therapist. I don't know the exact details I think he had private investigator or something follow me and that lead to him finding out everything about me.

 

At some point he called me a con artist and a whore and I flipped out I screamed that I was sick of him always letting people make a fool out of him I told him that people don't respect him that they just take advantage of him and laugh about him behind his back. Which is completely true. People are always taking advantage of him and he just shrugs it off. But apparently I don't deserve forgiveness even though I've been trying to better myself and make it up to him.

 

I devoted myself to being the perfect wife to being the wife he wanted never arguing and always taking his side. I'm just pissed that he forgives so many people but wont show me the slightest bit of understanding and that he literally threw me out into the cold snow.

[Mr. Lucky]

At some point he called me a con artist and a whore and I flipped out I screamed that I was sick of him always letting people make a fool out of him I told him that people don't respect him that they just take advantage of him and laugh about him behind his back. Which is completely true. People are always taking advantage of him and he just shrugs it off. But apparently I don't deserve forgiveness even though I've been trying to better myself and make it up to him.

 

Nothing you're writing - or that you've done - helps your cause if your goal is to restore your marriage. Seeing yourself as the victim of his lack of forgiveness is counterproductive also.

 

You might re-think your approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

[WomenWubber]

At some point he called me a con artist and a whore and I flipped out I screamed that I was sick of him always letting people make a fool out of him I told him that people don't respect him that they just take advantage of him and laugh about him behind his back. Which is completely true. People are always taking advantage of him and he just shrugs it off. But apparently I don't deserve forgiveness even though I've been trying to better myself and make it up to him.

 

So he did let you make a fool out of him, which makes it all his fault and you're entitled to forgiveness, amirite?

[MissCongeniality]

So he did let you make a fool out of him, which makes it all his fault and you're entitled to forgiveness, amirite?

I just feel like he's holding me to a double standard. I know I screwed up I'm trying to fix things but he's not giving me any chance. I just need to get him to hear me out but he's not returning my calls and I'm freaking out. I'm just trying to fix things.

Edited February 13, 2016 by MissCongeniality

[Jersey born raised]

Time and patience. Let him vent and don't it get to you, like water off a ducks back. Stay on message, you understand and you have never kissed, fondled, or had intercourse.

 

Have your therapist card and ask him to call them. Ask if he can come with you.

 

Where are you living now? Is you daughter with you and are the other children your's as well ?

[MissCongeniality]

Time and patience. Let him vent and don't it get to you, like water off a ducks back. Stay on message, you understand and you have never kissed, fondled, or had intercourse.

 

Have your therapist card and ask him to call them. Ask if he can come with you.

 

Where are you living now? Is you daughter with you and are the other children your's as well ?

Right now I'm staying at a friend's house. My daughter is not with me she's still at the home. All the children are mine.

[66Charger]

I just feel like he's holding me to a double standard. I know I screwed up I'm trying to fix things but he's not giving me any chance. I just need to get him to hear me out but he's not returning my calls and I'm freaking out. I'm just trying to fix things.

 

He is not holding you to a double standard. He is holding you to the standard of wife and husband. Thats a huge difference than those who he does not come home to at night and was supposed to have his back. You really need to stop thinking that he owes you a second chance. Your deception was twofold. That fake marriage (at the beginning) and the many secret sex escapades.

 

Full disclosure. This is the exact reason why I first came to LS. An X was involved in the BDSM lifestyle for a bit. The reason I could not come to terms with it was the "why" of it all. There was no way i could articipate in bdsm where the root cause was a CSA. It felt like I was playing the part of the pedophile. Your desire to have your husband strike you is directly related to this. This isnt role play. This is a sickness. You cannot recover the marriage until this is resolved, one way or the other.

 

Screaming at your husband that he was a loser and that people didn't respect him and were laughing at him, may have been your death blow. In his mind, you are one of those people.

 

You didnt respect him

You called him a fool

You used him for your benefit

You lied to him and did things behind his back

And you laughed at him for being a fool.

 

This is his new reality now and you told him this to his face. After he busted you.

Thats what he heard.

 

Now why again do you feel he owes you a second chance?

 

Why should he believe anything you say?

 

How in the world can you prove to this man that you love him after not only what you did, but what you said. Please do not say "I said that in anger and didnt mean it. He wont believe you. Because you proved it was true.

 

You have a hard road ahead of you. Healing yourself and healing your marriage AND having your "husband" heal will be difficult. Perhaps you should start with understanding that you deserve to be kicked out. And let him know that. Write a COMPLETE letter. Full disclosure, not a selfserving one full of omissions. Then let him decide. Fight with him again and your marriage is over, if it isnt already.

 

Those that say let time heal are mistaken.

 

You have no more time.

Edited February 13, 2016 by 66Charger

[66Charger]

BTW OP, you have a ace in the hole.

 

Your words here on LS. You wrote long ago about this and you wrote that you grew to love your husband. Your post here could be your letter. And it is hard proof because it is date stamped and anonymous. There was no reason to lie here..

 

It could be your hail mary pass.