im lost

[out of the blue]

My wife moved out 2 and half months ago. I was completely surprised. The reasons she gave was she hasn't been happy in a long time and then a list of things i wasnt doing or not doing them right. Then it it ended with" im not in love with u anymore "

 

Two weeks after she left she gave me the disillusionment papers. I filled them out the next day but she hasnt said a word about them since. In the last 2 weeks she has sold and traded her two cars and bought a new house. She said she didnt want to rent and didnt like staying with family. She just changed her facebook to " in a complicated relationship " we are seperated, its not that complicated. She still has stuff at my house and her pet cat that she wanted. Im just curious if anyone has a clue as what she is thinking.

 

Oh i ask her if she was having an affair before this started and she said no. But i dont believe her. To many things point to it. She also likes to re write history. Any help would be great.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Move on as soon as possible. From what you've said, there is no rays of light to give you hope. Everything she has done indicate she is starting a new life, one without you.

 

For yourself, you need to help her start that new life without you as soon as possible. Don't let a smile or a tender touch or any other small action of her make it seem like there's a chance. A smile/tender/touch/other action doesn't cancel out her moving out and buying a new house. Those are big actions that show her true intentions.

 

Its not going to be easy, but it can be harder than need to if you try and cling to a hope of reconcilliation. You need to start moving on asap.

[GorillaTheater]

How long have you been married, OOTB? Any kids?

 

 

Were there any changes in her behavior or demeanor before she dropped the bombshell on you?

[Mr. Lucky]

Oh i ask her if she was having an affair before this started and she said no. But i dont believe her. To many things point to it. She also likes to re write history. Any help would be great.

 

I would indeed guess she's seeing - and has been seeing - someone else.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

Even money has it that she is seeing someone else, has put you in the back burner while she plays around with someone new (to see how that pans out) before completely dumping you.

 

Be proactive and end the marriage for both your sakes.

[out of the blue]

We've been married a little over 4 years. Together 7 this summer. No kids together. The house she bought is not her, i even told her that. Its a nice home but the yard is sooo small and no front yard. Its right in town. She always wanted the big yard with a pool and no neighbors. My friend said dont read into it because she needed a place to live and buying was actually as cheap or cheaper than renting.

 

I was going to tell i wanted the divorce because i do but i believe god has stopped me twice. Both times i was getting ready to tell her and i was interrupted before i could. So know im gonna make her do it all, ask for it all. Ive tried everything to make things work but she will not even try.

 

I get the feeling she is stalling though. She got the house, got rid of the cars, got most of her stuff, changed facebook status. But some of her stuff, including pics of her kids and when she was younger are still here along with her cat, that i bought for her birthday. And the divorce papers. I think the Facebook status was for the other guy to see. I hate seeing her name poop up on my phone. I just hate it

[out of the blue]

I guess i should be glad, every time she sells something or takes something thats one less thing she can bring up later.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I hate seeing her name poop up on my phone. I just hate it

 

This spelling seems appropriate to me, though you probably didn't mean to spell it that way.

 

So sorry for all you're going through, out of the blue.

[out of the blue]

Lol. Should have been pop up .

[luck1978]

Hey there, this is a very similar situation to mine, my wife moved out almost 6 months ago which to me was a total shock. If she has been having an affair it's not worth trying to find out, just have peace in the knowledge that it is almost impossible to go from one relationship straight into another without giving yourself the necessary time to properly move on in your mind, if she has done this, as soon as the honeymoon period of any new relationship is over it will almost definitely end in failiure. The human mind is very complicated and it has to be given time to adapt. This is what you need to do, adapt to the reality she is no longer in your life and concentrate on yourself and improving every aspect of yourself. It is really hard and I know it sounds cliche but you will end up coming out of this much stronger than you were before. My tips:

 

Keep contact to a minimum

Try to stay amicable with her even if every cell in your body does not want to

Be selfish and put yourself first in all decisions that need to be made

Don't let your mind hope for reconciliation, it won't happen and besides this would not be good for you, she has left you and is therefore not someone you need in your life or deserves you in her life

Go out and see as many people as possible

Keep busy go down the gym etc

Focus on your work

Look on this as being set free and a new opportunity in your life to find someone else (after you have got over the breakup obviously)

[66Charger]

The worst thing you can do is to do nothing. God has stopped your asking for divorce? Really? Dont think so.

 

It appears "God" also instructed her to sell everything, move out and leave you lost.

 

Wrong. You have your message, you interpretation is whats off.

 

File, right away. If she is seeing another, make sure you interrupt her Valentines day plans witha a "I am divorcing you text" Make her put her cards on the table. Her reply will give you your answers.

 

Cmon man, she bought another house. And your comment is that it doesnt fit her? You are in denial. You are not even plan b, and you are going to wait for her to change her mind?

 

Wake up bro.

Edited February 14, 2016 by 66Charger

[out of the blue]

Thanks for the input everyone.

 

I do not contact her. I cant stand to even see her name. Im reading alot and hitting the gym. Down 30 pounds in two months. This whole thing has made me a better person. I do not worry about her now, i refuse to sit around and wait for her.

 

I will not file for a divorce right now. She us gonna own this entire thing. I did all i ciuld to save my marriage. I'll walk away knowing i did my best.

 

As far as the house goes, was just pointing out that it wasnt her. Agian thanks for the replys.

[Breem]

My wife moved out 2 and half months ago. I was completely surprised. The reasons she gave was she hasn't been happy in a long time and then a list of things i wasnt doing or not doing them right. Then it it ended with" im not in love with u anymore "

 

Two weeks after she left she gave me the disillusionment papers. I filled them out the next day but she hasnt said a word about them since. In the last 2 weeks she has sold and traded her two cars and bought a new house. She said she didnt want to rent and didnt like staying with family. She just changed her facebook to " in a complicated relationship " we are seperated, its not that complicated. She still has stuff at my house and her pet cat that she wanted. Im just curious if anyone has a clue as what she is thinking.

 

Oh i ask her if she was having an affair before this started and she said no. But i dont believe her. To many things point to it. She also likes to re write history. Any help would be great.

 

Do you still love her? Is there any communication between the two of you now or until recently?

 

There are a lot of things that goes on in a woman's head. Based on what she's doing, I have an idea of what MIGHT be going on inside her head. Then again, I'm not pretty sure since those would be my actions and my thoughts and not hers. Nonetheless, if it helps you in any way, here's what I think (again, in my point of view).

 

If there are proofs of her having an affair, then it might simply be she doesn't really love you anymore. Her things at your home may just be because she's not yet ready to face you and the problems between the two of you.

 

If there aren't really anything else to show she's with another person, then maybe she needs time alone. Maybe she's going through something that you're not aware of or you haven't paid attention to? Women's actions are mostly based on what their partners have or haven't done. It's any of those two.

 

I know it's kind of complicated; but it's the way most women think. But I can't say about your partner though. I don't know her and so I can't speak on her behalf. But I hope this helps even a bit.

[coolheadal]

She's done with you, time to invoke the NC = no contact rule. It's hard to get over their unhappiness just means she cheated on you can't say it outright so the easy way is to say she's not happy with you no more! Not much you can do but to let her have her way as everything you knew has changed. Never be what you had hope! That hope is gone after she had announced what she wants now! It's not you no more! Time to sign those papers and change your life sell the house if it's in your name get away from things that remind you of her otherwise you'll become a sick love struck puppy dog. Let me tell you from experience you don't want to go that route.

[out of the blue]

Breem

 

Yes i still love here. I have no proof of an affair. A lot of circumstantial evidence. I ask her and she said she wasnt or didnt but i dont believe her. When she left she blamed me for everything. But shes the one thats keeps saying she is sorry and that she didnt mean for this to happen. She isnt the person i fell in love with and married. I dont know who this person is. And as far as messing up, nobody is perfect in a relationship, im certainly not perfect. Three months before this happened we were looking to buy a new house. We did things together outside of the house, we've been on an average of three trips a year. There was no physical or verbal abuse of any kind. So i dont know. Ill give her room and continue to read and workout and try to become a better person, for me. She did and still does a lot of rewriting history.

 

Coolhead

 

I do nc as much as possible. I only reply when i have to. As far as the divorce papers. She gave me the paper work two weeks after she left. I signed them the next day. She has not ask for them back. She mentioned it once since then and that was to say, we dont have to rush. Like ive said im going to let her do all of this. She left, she isnt happy. She will own this.

 

On a sise not, i think she did a drive bye of my house yesterday. I didnt get a good look but im pretty sure it was her. As ive said, i will not contact her. I believe this marriage is over. I take one day at a time for me.

[Breem]

Breem

 

Yes i still love here. I have no proof of an affair. A lot of circumstantial evidence. I ask her and she said she wasnt or didnt but i dont believe her. When she left she blamed me for everything. But shes the one thats keeps saying she is sorry and that she didnt mean for this to happen. She isnt the person i fell in love with and married. I dont know who this person is. And as far as messing up, nobody is perfect in a relationship, im certainly not perfect. Three months before this happened we were looking to buy a new house. We did things together outside of the house, we've been on an average of three trips a year. There was no physical or verbal abuse of any kind. So i dont know. Ill give her room and continue to read and workout and try to become a better person, for me. She did and still does a lot of rewriting history.

 

 

That's a good idea, be there for yourself always. Sooner or later, it would be time to really move on and it could be with or without her. Good luck and I do hope the best for you in the future.

[out of the blue]

Thank you breem. I do feel better everyday i dont hear from her. I believe she will always be searching, it's like a big hole in her that cant be filled, she is looking and trying to fill it with different people or stuff. But we all know that will never fill the empty feeling she has. I cant help her fix herself. She has to do it, its between her and god now, and maybe a good Therepist. But if she doesnt take the time to fix it i believe every relationship she has will crumble and collapse. And no amount of houses or cars or things will help. And one day she will remember what she left behind, me and her cat. But that will be her cross to bare. Thank you everyone for your insight. I wish i would have found you guys 2 months ago.

[candie13]

you've found this place when you were ready to find it. I absolutely understand you taking it one day at a time - quite healthy as well. Focus on yourself - that is good.

 

I also understand that you won't give up on your marriage and that anything in that direction would be a reaction to her behavior - given that you do not want to divorce. But... can you be married to a person who doesn't treasure you, who doesn't act like a wife, who moved out and is most probably seeing and sleeping with someone else?

 

I have faith in God. I do think that this is what sets the world in motion... But... if a wife is beaten up by her husband, should she stay with him? Should she still be married to him? Your wife is not beating you up but what she is doing isn't any less violent towards you. I think you should pray and keep the faith... but can you really walk the marriage road unaccompanied? Is that what a good husband does?

 

I am sorry, I do not understand your passivity. While I do not think you should run and sign the divorce papers - especially since you love her - why are you letting her walk away and not confront her? Get clarity? What she needs, how she feels about you, what she expects from you? She can't be all over you and want to buy a new house and then three months later she puts the whole marriage on pause, gets her own house and sleeps around. That is a bad wife. And if you sit quietly and let it happen, that would make you a bad husband, no?

 

Pray to God for wisdom and strength, perhaps you may understand what's going on after that.

[KBarletta]

Thank you breem. I do feel better everyday i dont hear from her. I believe she will always be searching, it's like a big hole in her that cant be filled, she is looking and trying to fill it with different people or stuff. But we all know that will never fill the empty feeling she has. I cant help her fix herself. She has to do it, its between her and god now, and maybe a good Therepist. But if she doesnt take the time to fix it i believe every relationship she has will crumble and collapse. And no amount of houses or cars or things will help. And one day she will remember what she left behind, me and her cat. But that will be her cross to bare. Thank you everyone for your insight. I wish i would have found you guys 2 months ago.

 

OOTB, I wish you the best. Speaking from experiences that are very similar to yours, I think your best bet is to proceed as if she is never coming back, move quickly with the divorce and don't look back. Her problems are hers to fix, as you said, and you need to focus on your own happiness. I think the best way to do that is to sever your ties to her quickly and cleanly and turn your attention to yourself and move on. You have no children, right? And she has already purchased a new home. So that should make it relatively easy to do. I totally understand your desire to force her to do the dirty work of pushing the D along, but I think that is only going to keep you tethered to her emotionally.

 

I think that you are right that she has something missing in her life that no other person can fill. I could say the same for my ex wife. But it's up to her to realize that. Who knows if she ever will.

 

Either way, I wish you luck and I hope you keep posting.

[testmeasure]

Any debt she runs up may be half yours.

 

If someone sues her, they can come after your money too.

 

Anything you make is half hers.

 

The two of you are a single financial entity. That's not a good thing when the other person is off someplace else making unknown decisions to their own benefit without regard to you.

 

Did she buy the house outright? Or is there a mortgage?

 

You should talk to an attorney. Ask specifically about what risks you run if you're separated, but nothing is filed with the court.

 

 

.

[out of the blue]

Ill try to answer all the questions. She bought the house but my name is not on it and all of our finances are divided and we have nothing left in both our names. Im sure at some point i will tire of all this but this is the first in almost three months i feel remotely strong. I pray for strength,wisdom and tons of patience every day. Nothing she does surprises me anymore so im waiting to see what kinda **** she pulls next or how long it takes her to do it. Everyday i get stronger and more in control. Im not normally a passive person, quite the opposite but i really do believe that god is trying to guide and teach me something here. I think i said if i could snap my fingers and have the divorce i would love it but i think god is teaching me patience ( which i dont have much of and forgiveness which i could learn to do a little better ) so that is why im being passive. I hope that explained it. I know people look at u like ur a little crazy when u bring god into things and i might have done the same thing three months ago, but a lot has happened in the last three months and i really do believe he is bye my side now. I dont worry about her now. I think once i accepted that another man was touching my wife and probably had been for a while, it took the fear from me. That was the worst thing that could happen and now i know it has. She cant hurt me agian. She cant threaten me with anything like divorce ( we are heading there at some point ) she has lost her power and every hour that goes by, i have more control. The only thing she has control over now is getting the divorce and thats because im letting her do it. Now taking her pet will hurt because become attached but ill survive it. Please ask anymore questions if you have them or comments. Thanks again everyone

[testmeasure]

all of our finances are divided

 

Here's where you're wrong. It's up to your ex to agree with the current division of assets and sign the papers. If she doesn't then it's up to a judge to divide everything. Until you have the final papers with her signature or a judge's signature, it's exactly the opposite of all done. It's all up in the air.

 

In the mean time the two of you exist as a single financial entity. Yet she's off on her own making her own decisions with no regard for you.

 

Unless you have a prenup, a postnup, or some kind of signed agreement, taking joint assets and putting them into accounts with just one name on them only co-mingles the joint assets. Nothing is agreed to or settled until it's actually agreed to or settled.

 

She may be very amicable and agreeable about the current division of assets and liabilities. What if her situation changes? What if the new guy convinces her to go after more?

 

She can ask for whatever she wants whether it's reasonable or not. All the records are subject to a "discovery" phase. All the accounts, all the statements. It can all be looked and argued about. If she doesn't agree with you and settle, in the end, a judge looks at everything and makes the decision.

 

I'm not an attorney, this isn't legal advice, it's opinion or whatever.

 

 

.

[out of the blue]

I cant argue u to much on this. Our accounts are different. Her name isnt on mine and my name isnt on hers. I have my house she has hers. Mines worth probably 15k more. Our retirement would hurt her. She has way more than me. So if it came down to finances. She would lose in the long run.

[out of the blue]

Well nothing really new to say about the marriage but i have started to talk to some other woman. It does feel good to not feel like garbage. Im actually looking forward to going out and have a normal conversation with someone. Wish me luck. Lol. U guys know what i mean. Three months have seemed so long since this nightmare began. Im also starting to watch tv agian.

[Breem]

Thank you breem. I do feel better everyday i dont hear from her. I believe she will always be searching, it's like a big hole in her that cant be filled, she is looking and trying to fill it with different people or stuff. But we all know that will never fill the empty feeling she has. I cant help her fix herself. She has to do it, its between her and god now, and maybe a good Therepist. But if she doesnt take the time to fix it i believe every relationship she has will crumble and collapse. And no amount of houses or cars or things will help. And one day she will remember what she left behind, me and her cat. But that will be her cross to bare. Thank you everyone for your insight. I wish i would have found you guys 2 months ago.

 

What you said is right, about every relationship crumbling and collapsing if she doesn't fix herself. That's exactly what I'm going through now, but I'm fixing it. It's somehow sad to see other people struggling as well and relationships ending because of this.