lostandlonely2 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I just have kind of a ‘philosophical’ question… I had a father who was a physically and mentally (verbally) abusive alcoholic, a mother who did nothing to protect me, and a sister who also did nothing – they both ‘survived’ the best they could escaping into their own little worlds I have had several ‘loves-of-my-life’, but they have all cheated on me… Now, before you say it is because of poor self-esteem, etc. I can accept that, but given the events and circumstances of my childhood, I don’t expect what else someone would grow into… I am curious – if you feel like no one has ever loved you, or ‘been there for you’, protected you, cared for you, etc. – what do you turn to? I think some people might find love from a ‘god’ in religion, or escape in video games or drugs/alcohol… I am trying to find something that I can feel ‘loved’ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I just turned to myself... The only person I could count on was me so that was the only person real or fictional I could turn to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Self-help books. Because unless you can begin to Love yourself unconditionally - 'warts' flaws, shortcomings and all - you can't expect true, honest, sincere and unconditional love from any other quarter. Dare I say it, even the Love of God is conditional. You have to obey his commands and do as he says, or else it's no heaven for you. I saw three different therapists - all of which had their own personal agendas, and quite frankly were as much the poster people for 'Physician, heal thyself' as it was possible for anyone to be. So I turned instead, to books; recommended literature. Books with good write-ups. Books like "The Seat of the Soul" by Gary Zukhav, or "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Indeed, the very first book I remember buying in this vein was "You can Heal your Life" by Louise Hay. Another was "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford. By the time I had read and absorbed these books, my shelves were heaving under the pressure. So eventually, I got to the stage where I actually managed to get rid of them all. They had outlived their use and purpose. Am I still screwed up? Oh sure, to an extent; aren't we all, to a degree? But I'm far, far, FAR LESS of a screw-up than I was, or could be. And Buddhism knocked at my door one day, and I gladly let it in, so much more sense did it make to me than anything else I had ever encountered. It still does. Best of luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 (edited) I agree with Tara partially. Books can help... but therapy is huge for those who've had traumatic childhood experiences. Tara has issues regarding therapists and discounts the potential, which is not uncommon with some personality types. But I am the opposite- I benefitted greatly even though my therapist may not have been the sharpest pencil in the box. Ask for recommendations from within the profession. You have to learn to love yourself, self-soothing and self acceptance, and that's probably not going to be either quick or easy. Even people who are not neglected/mistreated as children often carry a sense of shame and unworthiness... so this journey is more universal than you may realize. If you believe you are broken and unworthy, you will attract people who treat you that way... because it resonates with a similar need in them. Certain types of dysfunction are like magnets for each other. There are known patterns. This restless discomfort with the self can be calmed for most people who are willing to do the work, even though some of it may have been deeply integrated. I do not believe that it helps to find a crutch/substitute... you must address it directly and begin to change core beliefs, which is more like a journey than a destination. I concur with Tara on Eckhart Tolle. I liked "A New Earth" the best, but "Power of Now" is good too. Edited February 13, 2016 by salparadise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 I agree with Tara partially. Books can help... but therapy is huge for those who've had traumatic childhood experiences. Tara has some kind of resentment going on regarding therapists and tries to discount the potential. No, no, no, no, no. You misunderstand entirely. I do not at all. I had three, consecutive very poor experiences. This was at a time when therapy was virtually unheard of, in the UK, and not something anyone ever considered or thought about at all, other than for those who were deeply traumatised and severely emotionally damaged by some kind of personal experience. You are totally wrong in your final comment: I have recommended therapy to people, on many occasions. If you trawl through my posts, you will see this to be true. I merely gave the advice I did, because of the OP's final comment. That she wishes to find a channel for self-improvement that makes her feel 'loved'. Hence my first sentence, and the ensuing advice. And as you refer to it too... You have to learn to love yourself, self-soothing and self acceptance, and that's probably not going to be either quick or easy. .....I think it's valid counsel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostandlonely2 Posted February 13, 2016 Author Share Posted February 13, 2016 Thanks everyone I do love myself, as much as I can having a family and lovers like I've had (imagine being a dog... watching all the other dog owner's pet their dogs, and yours doesn't pet you - you go to the other owner's for a pet, but they don't pet you much as they have their own dogs, so you start thinking something is wrong with you...) Anyway, I get bored 'loving myself' I need good energy from someone else I was wondering what else could 'fulfill' me in an 'external' way - something from somewhere else... I don't want to be the sole provider of love for myself - some people must have beliefs that 'god' loves them, or even that 'they' are a 'god' in a video game, or in something that is 'outside their normal self 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Thanks everyone I do love myself, as much as I can having a family and lovers like I've had (imagine being a dog... watching all the other dog owner's pet their dogs, and yours doesn't pet you - you go to the other owner's for a pet, but they don't pet you much as they have their own dogs, so you start thinking something is wrong with you...) So, in fact, you don't doubt your own worthiness; you doubt the sincerity and consistency of their affection....? Anyway, I get bored 'loving myself' I need good energy from someone else I was wondering what else could 'fulfill' me in an 'external' way - something from somewhere else... I don't want to be the sole provider of love for myself - some people must have beliefs that 'god' loves them, or even that 'they' are a 'god' in a video game, or in something that is 'outside their normal self You don't get it. Nobody can validate you, and you cannot be dependent on someone else's affection for a consistent, 'feelgood' sensation. What you are asking, is how to find the perfect relationship. When any one of us has that sorted, we'll let you know. If you really want, crave and seek unconditional love, then look to your first comment, and get a dog. Those babies will love you better than anyone ever could. Including God. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Investigate Complex PTSD - Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) ? Out of the FOG 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 You need to understand that living in an alcoholic environment screwed you royally. Your perceptions are wrong, your self esteem has been destroyed since childhood, the only thing I can say about your post is that most children of alcoholic parents f*ck up their lives unless they take action to understand and accept their past. Please look at Al Anon, it was life changing for me: Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups Here is an amazing article that explains key characteristics of daughters of alcoholic parents: Journal of Humanitarian Affairs: Troubled relationships of daughters of alcoholics What you are feeling is real. Every little detail. My only advice is to find the nearest Al Anon Group and join one of their meetings. It is life changing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fruitee Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Thanks everyone -- I was wondering what else could 'fulfill' me in an 'external' way - something from somewhere else... I don't want to be the sole provider of love for myself - some people must have beliefs that 'god' loves them, or even that 'they' are a 'god' in a video game, or in something that is 'outside their normal self Meaningful work where you are good and can shine and get appraises. Hobby which makes you come out of your shell and makes you sweat and meet new people. Pets. Volunteering. Reading books, going to opera and movies, all those kinds of bigger than life experiences, seeing art and historical places. Travelling all together. Taking good care of yourself. Going to spa, eating healthy etc. Close friendships where you can talk about ideas and such as. Studies, education and classes. No video game or relationship can make you whole. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostandlonely2 Posted February 14, 2016 Author Share Posted February 14, 2016 Thanks again everyone for all your help and advice... I have a lot to think about now 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Thing is, because the alcoholic dad was always creating meyham, we're used to constantly pay attention outside instead of looking inside and working at ourselves. You can try to escape using drugs or alcohol, but it'll never get better. Same thing about men - I know I have a tendency to use men as a diversion, to date, feel appreciated and beautiful. It works ok, but it takes my power away. Every moment spent looking for a quick fix is a moment I could spend working at myself and making me feel better. You can't run away from yourself. Those meetings I've mentioned were fantastic as they made me feel less of an alien and offered me solutions to move forward. Not instant solutions. Not easy solutions. But something reliable that really really works. My self esteem is doing much better, i used to have huge phobias linked to administration that were also linked to my low feelings of self worth and now I'm a LOT less stressed and can take care of those aspects almost stress free. Oh, and I tried the self help books, therapies, changed 2 or 3 therapist, Reiki, meditation, yoga... No one can do the hard work at your place. It has to be you. It needs to start from you, but it's a hard decision to take and stick to. Best of luck, whatever you try 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 Studying is the key! Study again, go to a community college or a university and start all over! Also read novels and books! Education is power! Link to post Share on other sites
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