Help me, this is urgent. Should I tell her?

[minizombie]

My abusive ex said the same things to me... How horrible his ex was and how she would cheat on him all the time. I was so much nicer then her and so on. Didn't stop him from treating me the same as her. I bet he's telling the next one how horrible I am.

 

But the difference is, she's still staying with him after 3 years! It must mean that their relationship is better and he may not abuse her. I don't get why he is only treating me like trash but treats her well. Now he's telling me how nice she is. Ugh.

[minizombie]

Would love to hear more inputs, I really need it

[Arieswoman]

minizombie,

Please get a grip on yourself.

 

 

I know you are hurting but this isn't the way to go.

 

 

Your ex has shown you what he's really like - so please believe the evidence of your own eyes and ears. He's a liar and a cheat and he's violent. Please keep well away from him.

 

 

I think many of us fall into the same trap at one time or another. If someone treats us badly then leaves us we tend to blame ourselves. We wonder if we had been more smart, more loving, a better cook, better in the sack etc then they wouldn't have treated us the way they did.

This is skewed thinking.

 

 

Remember we have no control over anyone else's behaviour only our own.

 

 

Please start making healthy choices for yourself. Work with your counsellor and let your ex be an ex.

 

 

Good luck. x

[Ruffian1]

Best advice I can give you is just stay away and leave him alone. This guy is a user and all around "bad news".

 

 

PS: You should have just went directly to the GF and told her without telling him first. If you didn't have evidence, she would not have believed you anyway.

 

 

Walk away.

[minizombie]

Best advice I can give you is just stay away and leave him alone. This guy is a user and all around "bad news".

 

 

PS: You should have just went directly to the GF and told her without telling him first. If you didn't have evidence, she would not have believed you anyway.

 

 

Walk away.

 

Yes I wanted to approach her first but I couldn't reach her as she blocked me on Facebook. I wanted to speak with her face-to-face. Regardless, I hope this whole incident has clued her in on what's going on. I'll bet he cooked up some story for her and said how he made a mistake of hooking up with me etc, and will start saying demeaning stuff about me just to make her feel better. Perhaps she doesn't even care.. This sucks.

[bathtub-row]

What do you mean what if he was yelling the truth? Did he not attack you to the point that you had to call the police? Do you think this is normal behavior for a normal man? I hardly know anything about him but that alone speaks volumes.

 

You're so focused on this ridiculous competition between yourself and his gf, you're ignoring everything else. And he has set up that scenario and you're playing right into it. Stop being his victim and see this nutcase for what he is. His gf has won nothing but heartache and if he were with you, it would be the same for you. You think it's all pie in the sky with him and his gf but I'm here to tell you that men like this simply cannot maintain peaceful or loving relationships. Once you remove the rose colored glasses, you'll see that.

[burnt]

I'm going to go against the flow here and suggest something that may not be a wise idea. But here goes…

 

Don't do anything. Now.

Work on yourself. Take care of yourself. Do not try to make any farther contact with either him or his gf at this point. It's a lot to process for everyone involved here. Let time pass.

 

As things start to come down over time, she WILL start to question things, no doubt. She is a woman too, remember. Right now, she will stand by him and believe everything he tells her, especially since by the time she saw you she saw the POLICE involved. It's the natural reaction from her point of view to see you as the psycho based on what she saw and heard.

 

But as a woman, I guarantee she will start to raise questions about him in time.

Right now, if you try to contact her, this will only confirm his story that you are a psycho ex out of control with emotional problems and are stalking him.

 

So lay low. Let time heal you.

 

At some point in the future, when things have calmed down, send her an email politely and calmly telling her what your side of the story was. Chances are your story will confirm her subconscious doubts about him. Give her the link to your post on this site; your original post which took place the day before the police incident.

 

It takes a very sick man to make up the stories he told you--that he pretended to be his girlfriend for money and her relatives.

 

How she acts on that information will be up to her.

 

For now, recognize that YOU are very lucky that a sick and disturbed man like him is no longer a part of your life.

 

If your intention is to cause harm, then don't do what I'm suggesting. You will hate yourself years later. But if you can let go of the vindictive thoughts, then inform her another time ONLY if your intention is to let her know the truth for her sake.

[dreamingoftigers]

Told you.

 

Don't listen to the people here (mostly BS's) that tell you to expose.

 

You have no idea what anyone's snapping point is.

 

Look out for yourself and just move on.

 

We do generally advise not to tell the CHEATER you will expose. Duh.

[minizombie]

What do you mean what if he was yelling the truth? Did he not attack you to the point that you had to call the police? Do you think this is normal behavior for a normal man? I hardly know anything about him but that alone speaks volumes.

 

You're so focused on this ridiculous competition between yourself and his gf, you're ignoring everything else. And he has set up that scenario and you're playing right into it. Stop being his victim and see this nutcase for what he is. His gf has won nothing but heartache and if he were with you, it would be the same for you. You think it's all pie in the sky with him and his gf but I'm here to tell you that men like this simply cannot maintain peaceful or loving relationships. Once you remove the rose colored glasses, you'll see that.

 

Well he was a competitive taekwondo and Muay Thai fighter so I guess that's where he got his 'violent tendencies' from? I am not labelling those who learn martial arts as violent but I guess hitting someone isn't something new to him. Yet again I find myself making excuses for him. WHY AM I DOING THIS.

 

It really hurt me when he said that "I realise she is very good to me after I met you because you treated me like dirt and I like her now." Prior to meeting him I have been on dates with other guys and he saw that as 'slutty' (whatever). And when we weren't officially together but we confessed our feelings for each other (he was still with the gf at that time but they were fighting a lot), I kissed someone in a club and he flipped out. He didn't trust me afterwards and he said it was because of that kiss that's why he hesitated being in a relationship with me. He has been cheated on before, so... IDK. I always felt like everything is my fault ever since I kissed some other guy.

 

What I did was hurtful to his feelings and seeing how hurt he was over this incident gave me the impression that he really loved me and worried about losing me (at the start of the 'relationship' that is). On the other hand, his current girlfriend now is very 'loyal' to him (because their relationship started off smoothly) and he failed to understand why what I did wasn't considered 'cheating' since him and I weren't technically in a relationship.

Edited February 15, 2016 by minizombie

[minizombie]

I'm going to go against the flow here and suggest something that may not be a wise idea. But here goes…

 

Don't do anything. Now.

Work on yourself. Take care of yourself. Do not try to make any farther contact with either him or his gf at this point. It's a lot to process for everyone involved here. Let time pass.

 

As things start to come down over time, she WILL start to question things, no doubt. She is a woman too, remember. Right now, she will stand by him and believe everything he tells her, especially since by the time she saw you she saw the POLICE involved. It's the natural reaction from her point of view to see you as the psycho based on what she saw and heard.

 

But as a woman, I guarantee she will start to raise questions about him in time.

Right now, if you try to contact her, this will only confirm his story that you are a psycho ex out of control with emotional problems and are stalking him.

 

So lay low. Let time heal you.

 

At some point in the future, when things have calmed down, send her an email politely and calmly telling her what your side of the story was. Chances are your story will confirm her subconscious doubts about him. Give her the link to your post on this site; your original post which took place the day before the police incident.

 

It takes a very sick man to make up the stories he told you--that he pretended to be his girlfriend for money and her relatives.

 

How she acts on that information will be up to her.

 

For now, recognize that YOU are very lucky that a sick and disturbed man like him is no longer a part of your life.

 

If your intention is to cause harm, then don't do what I'm suggesting. You will hate yourself years later. But if you can let go of the vindictive thoughts, then inform her another time ONLY if your intention is to let her know the truth for her sake.

 

I don't think I will be pursuing the matter anymore. They have blocked me off everything and probably think i'm a psycho or something. It just hurts how he can just throw me aside and go live with her happily, like I never mattered.

[anika99]

Told you.

 

Don't listen to the people here (mostly BS's) that tell you to expose.

 

You have no idea what anyone's snapping point is.

 

Look out for yourself and just move on.

 

On the OPs thread where she asked if she should tell, not one poster told her it was a good idea. I said it was an option but that it would bring drama. I also suggested that she could just walk away with her dignity. All others told her to leave it alone so not sure why you felt the need to direct a sweeping barb at BS here.

 

OP you are caught up in the competition. I don't believe you would care one bit about this guy if there wasn't another gf in the picture who seemingly won the prize. I think you need to talk to someone in real life. Talking it out with a friend or family member or even a therapist will help you gain some perspective.

[OneLov]

I feel terrible for you. The worst part is you totally did this to yourself. I'm not saying that to be a jerk but this illustrates why you ALWAYS walk away. It's not worth it. This is so self destructive and humiliating.

 

If I could give you one piece of advice: The people who are not afraid to walk always get the best deals. That applies to all areas of life. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope you find the strength to leave this situation.

 

OL

[Whoknew30]

You're competing mode...for your own well being try & get out of that!!!

 

The whole how he treats her has NOTHING to do with you, their relationship has nothing to do with you. Your responsible for yourself & that's it! This is why I always tell people not to tell bc you never know what will happen & the people that tell you to tell could careless about your well being as an individual bc when you ask that same person that says tell, what if it goes bad you usually hear...well that's why you shouldn't have done it.

 

You need some IC immediately to figure out why your self esteem is attached to a guy that just hit you. If it wasn't you wouldn't be caught up in the "why does he treat her better" you have no idea how he treats her!

 

Walk away while you can & leave him to the mess he's created. Who cares if she knows, she knows he just beat you up & told you she didn't want to talk to you. You really can't get a clearer answer than that, she doesn't care what you have to say. Move on!

[gettingstronger]

Told you.

 

Don't listen to the people here (mostly BS's) that tell you to expose.

 

You have no idea what anyone's snapping point is.

 

Look out for yourself and just move on.

 

 

 

Doesn't sound like she was trying to expose-sounds like she was trying to either get closure or get him back- only after it went upside down did she want to expose- sounds like the GF showed up after the incident-

 

The last part is so true- look out for yourself and move on-

We have all held on to something a little too long- hope spring eternal in all of us right- sounds like you hit your bottom- hang in there-

[Trishern]

When you expose such info, you don't give advanced warning. Why did you give him a heads up?

 

 

That's where you went wrong. You should have just sent her all the information, photos or anything else you had as evidence of your relationship and how you were being deceived by him.

 

 

It's not that you should not expose, but you need to do it properly.

 

 

Mrs T

[Whoknew30]

We do generally advise not to tell the CHEATER you will expose. Duh.

 

Talk about victim blaming...she got beat up, which he may have done to her regardless of how she told...how about this guy is just an abusive jerk & telling wouldn't have solved anything in this girl's life. The telling in this situation wasn't going to benefit anyone. Sometimes telling is not the right thing as in this situation.

[gettingstronger]

Talk about victim blaming...she got beat up, which he may have done to her regardless of how she told...how about this guy is just an abusive jerk & telling wouldn't have solved anything in this girl's life. The telling in this situation wasn't going to benefit anyone. Sometimes telling is not the right thing as in this situation.

 

 

 

She didn't get beat up, she said something like he twisted her shoulders (whatever that means)- she had bystanders call the police- appears they were in a public place, with lots of witnesses and from the story it does not appear charges were filed- so............ more than likely not beat up-

[dreamingoftigers]

Talk about victim blaming...she got beat up, which he may have done to her regardless of how she told...how about this guy is just an abusive jerk & telling wouldn't have solved anything in this girl's life. The telling in this situation wasn't going to benefit anyone. Sometimes telling is not the right thing as in this situation.

 

I was responding to the quoted post blaming the BSs on the forum for suggesting exposure. Which turned out wasn't even the case in her previous thread. But had she been advised of this, most BSs give the conjoining advice not to let the douchebag know you are going to do it.

 

 

But blaming people who didn't give the advice for the situation is victim-blaming so thank you for your support.

 

As for the OP, yes the dude is total scum. But as this has been covered by many many many other posters I didn't think it necessary to re-iterate.

 

The response of the gf isn't on her. She tried to do the right thing and the douchebag did what douchebags do.

 

It's very unfortunate that she thinks DB will provide this gf with a good relationship after he just spent another long stretch of time lying to his gf and cheating on her. Or that the relationship ship with him failed because of her actions here. No, it failed because this guy has no respect for either and chooses to lie about fidelity, abuse and otherwise be a destructive piece of work.

 

Buy maybe if she would have exposed with evidence BEFORE alerting douchebag there's a pretty good chance that the other gf would have left and it might very well shorten her victimization process . we'll never know.

[Whoknew30]

She didn't get beat up, she said something like he twisted her shoulders (whatever that means)- she had bystanders call the police- appears they were in a public place, with lots of witnesses and from the story it does not appear charges were filed- so............ more than likely not beat up-

 

Choked, slapped , arm twisting...man on a woman. If that's not beat up, what is? Reread what she wrote, choking someone alone is pretty serious.

[Whoknew30]

I was responding to the quoted post blaming the BSs on the forum for suggesting exposure. Which turned out wasn't even the case in her previous thread. But had she been advised of this, most BSs give the conjoining advice not to let the douchebag know you are going to do it.

 

 

But blaming people who didn't give the advice for the situation is victim-blaming so thank you for your support.

 

As for the OP, yes the dude is total scum. But as this has been covered by many many many other posters I didn't think it necessary to re-iterate.

 

The response of the gf isn't on her. She tried to do the right thing and the douchebag did what douchebags do.

 

It's very unfortunate that she thinks DB will provide this gf with a good relationship after he just spent another long stretch of time lying to his gf and cheating on her. Or that the relationship ship with him failed because of her actions here. No, it failed because this guy has no respect for either and chooses to lie about fidelity, abuse and otherwise be a destructive piece of work.

 

Buy maybe if she would have exposed with evidence BEFORE alerting douchebag there's a pretty good chance that the other gf would have left and it might very well shorten her victimization process . we'll never know.

 

The gf saw that he choked another woman & told her I don't want to talk to you...it's a safe bet the gf isn't going anywhere.

[minizombie]

The reason why I didn't wanna expose him by telling her first because she already blocked me on Facebook. Also, I did not know what's the situation like between his and her family, whether or not his family is really financially dependent on hers. I could expose him by using another account but I don't think it's worth it anymore. She probably has a hunch about what's going on and idk what lies he fed her. She did not see him abuse me. I guess I just find it hard to move on because how can someone who claimed to love you so much do such a thing. His mutual friends deleted me and he blocked me on Facebook too.

[stillafool]

I understand I have to walk away but, I am not sure if she is even aware he is like that. I bet she's even unaware he cheated on her.

 

Let it go it is not your business. Where was all this concern for her when you started seeing her bf? He never broke up with her.

[minizombie]

The thing is, I'm not sure if he did cheat on both of us because he told me they broke up and they are still friends and he had to be there for her father. This whole incident occurred after we broke up. He told me about how he had to stay with her for her father and the debt, said he has no feelings for her anymore but when I confronted him he said he likes her now after spending more time with her. Idk, perhaps she's his safety net or I really did treat him worse than she did.

[stillafool]

The reason why I didn't wanna expose him by telling her first because she already blocked me on Facebook. Also, I did not know what's the situation like between his and her family, whether or not his family is really financially dependent on hers. I could expose him by using another account but I don't think it's worth it anymore. She probably has a hunch about what's going on and idk what lies he fed her. She did not see him abuse me. I guess I just find it hard to move on because how can someone who claimed to love you so much do such a thing. His mutual friends deleted me and he blocked me on Facebook too.

 

Because he never did, he was lying all the time.

[minizombie]

The thing is, I'm not sure if he did cheat on both of us because he told me they broke up and they are still friends and he had to be there for her father. This whole incident occurred after we broke up. He told me about how he had to stay with her for her father and the debt, said he has no feelings for her anymore but when I confronted him he said he likes her now after spending more time with her. Idk, perhaps she's his safety net or I really did treat him worse than she did.

 

Even after we broke up he claimed that he did genuinely like me but over time he disliked how insecure I was. I don't understand why he has to say all these things if he never felt anything for me. Idk maybe his definition of love is screwed up. But I know for sure he definitely loves her more than me.