Help me, this is urgent. Should I tell her?

[bathtub-row]

On the OPs thread where she asked if she should tell, not one poster told her it was a good idea. I said it was an option but that it would bring drama. I also suggested that she could just walk away with her dignity. All others told her to leave it alone so not sure why you felt the need to direct a sweeping barb at BS here.

 

OP you are caught up in the competition. I don't believe you would care one bit about this guy if there wasn't another gf in the picture who seemingly won the prize. I think you need to talk to someone in real life. Talking it out with a friend or family member or even a therapist will help you gain some perspective.

 

I figure who cares if she tells the gf or not? That's exactly what the guy fears she'll do and that's why he became violent. He doesn't like his lies being uncovered. He would deserve it and it would definitely create a crack in their relationship. But I think that crack is already there and has always been there.

 

You're right about the competition and he has done that on purpose. It's all about ego and it is in full swing right now.

[bathtub-row]

Well he was a competitive taekwondo and Muay Thai fighter so I guess that's where he got his 'violent tendencies' from? I am not labelling those who learn martial arts as violent but I guess hitting someone isn't something new to him. Yet again I find myself making excuses for him. WHY AM I DOING THIS.

 

It really hurt me when he said that "I realise she is very good to me after I met you because you treated me like dirt and I like her now." Prior to meeting him I have been on dates with other guys and he saw that as 'slutty' (whatever). And when we weren't officially together but we confessed our feelings for each other (he was still with the gf at that time but they were fighting a lot), I kissed someone in a club and he flipped out. He didn't trust me afterwards and he said it was because of that kiss that's why he hesitated being in a relationship with me. He has been cheated on before, so... IDK. I always felt like everything is my fault ever since I kissed some other guy.

 

What I did was hurtful to his feelings and seeing how hurt he was over this incident gave me the impression that he really loved me and worried about losing me (at the start of the 'relationship' that is). On the other hand, his current girlfriend now is very 'loyal' to him (because their relationship started off smoothly) and he failed to understand why what I did wasn't considered 'cheating' since him and I weren't technically in a relationship.

 

But it's ok that he was still with his gf, which means you were in the dark about what he was and was not doing. As far as I would've been concerned in that situation, he was still with someone else and that meant you were free to do as you pleased. Now, he knows this but has put you on a guilt trip about it so that he can keep you in line and make you feel bad. Do you see how he is never responsible, and how you're always at fault?

 

I'm going to say something that I hope you never forget. Men are incredibly good liars. They will say and do anything to get a woman in the sack. Women continually underestimate how important this is to a man and that's why they often become victims. Abusers are even worse because they're masters at observing human nature and knowing how to manipulate.

 

You're left wondering how someone can do a 180 and the truth is, they can't. Either he's lying to you now because he's pissed off and wants to get back at you, or he has always been lying to you.

 

You're going to wake up someday and see this guy exactly for who he is. I hope it's sooner than later.

[RRM321]

Some couples need a common drama or foe to unite them; a dying grandad, stalker girlfriend, cheating scandals, etc. anything that they can rally around.

 

You appear to be doing exactly the same thing - content to preserve and substitute this drama triangle for a real relationship.

 

Just walk away and find a real relationship - not this empty circus you've joined.

[dreamingoftigers]

The gf saw that he choked another woman & told her I don't want to talk to you...it's a safe bet the gf isn't going anywhere.

 

I read that she came out after the police arrived.....

 

Guessing she only saw the boyfriend trying to defuse and play lying victim.

[ShatteredLady]

PLEASE, please! You are saying some things that are making me very worried for your future. This has happened & it's horrible but you can learn some HUGE life changing lessons here.

 

Do not believe any guy who tells you that he adores you but can't split-up with his partner FOR ANY REASON! You entered into an affair.

 

If a man will not hold your hand or kiss you in public he is hiding your relationship!! People in love show their affection. He puts his arm around you. He holds your hand!

 

Why are you not pressing charges?

 

You need to understand WHY you allowed yourself to be manipulated & controlled by a man. Don't envy his gf, PITY HER!! She is wasting years of her life & is probably already incredibly damaged by her relationship with him.

 

We can all see what kind of man this is. What have your other relationships been like? It worries me that you're reacting & thinking the way that you are.

 

NEVER make excuses for a man being violent to you. I wouldn't even date a man who gets into physical altercations with other men!!

A man who will lay hands on you will lay hands on ANY woman if provoked! He has that in his nature.

 

There are so many red flags in your story. Please learn from this experience.

[minizombie]

But it's ok that he was still with his gf, which means you were in the dark about what he was and was not doing. As far as I would've been concerned in that situation, he was still with someone else and that meant you were free to do as you pleased. Now, he knows this but has put you on a guilt trip about it so that he can keep you in line and make you feel bad. Do you see how he is never responsible, and how you're always at fault?

 

I'm going to say something that I hope you never forget. Men are incredibly good liars. They will say and do anything to get a woman in the sack. Women continually underestimate how important this is to a man and that's why they often become victims. Abusers are even worse because they're masters at observing human nature and knowing how to manipulate.

 

You're left wondering how someone can do a 180 and the truth is, they can't. Either he's lying to you now because he's pissed off and wants to get back at you, or he has always been lying to you.

 

You're going to wake up someday and see this guy exactly for who he is. I hope it's sooner than later.

 

He didn't pressure or manipulate me into sex, it just happened in the heat of the moment. At times, I would test him and asked if he wanted to have sex with me, he would say no and he wouldn't.. He kept saying it was me who kept asking it from him and I'll admit it's true. I am still quite naive so that's why I came onto this forum to ask for opinions. Why would he be so hurt that I kissed another guy? He looked really really hurt and I felt really bad for doing what I did. I figured I was just a rebound for him after he 'broke up' with his ex.

[minizombie]

[]I am not putting him on a pedestal, I know his character is very flawed but I guess superficially and on paper, he's a darn good catch. I can't help but feel that the gf has won 'a prize' if he treats her better than he treated me. That's all.

Edited February 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request - personally identifiable information

[Whoknew30]

I read that she came out after the police arrived.....

 

Guessing she only saw the boyfriend trying to defuse and play lying victim.

 

She saw her BF was in trouble for hitting another woman. They are all blocking OP on Facebook. It's safe to say the girlfriend doesn't care anything about what she had to say. The girlfriend is in her own hell with this "winner" of a man. OP should press charges as much as she can & stay the hell away from them.

[Miss Clavel]

I am not putting him on a pedestal, I know his character is very flawed but I guess superficially and on paper, he's a darn good catch. I can't help but feel that the gf has won 'a prize' if he treats her better than he treated me. That's all.

paper, rock, scissors. ER, stitches, morgue.

[Cherryz]

If someone is not single, you shouldnt be even looking at them.

 

At the end we seen enough storys here and you never ever win!

 

Because this people often just go out to have someone they can have sex with or

release their stress!

At the end you will be left aside heart broken.

 

So dont matter his story, if he can cheat on someone hes with 3 years what makes you think you more special while he barely know you.?

Beside he just meet you at nights can only think that its for just to have sex with you.

 

Know your worth as woman, and stop this affair. Even if this storys may be true

he could have break up first before chasing you before all of this things start happening if he really respected you or her.

 

So to get less hurted out of this, get out now and move on with your life!

Find someone single!

[Cherryz]

You start being concern about everyone, but not about yourself.

While you should be your own concern first!

[whatatangledweb]

Why didn't the cops arrest him ? Are you pressing charges? I just don't see the cops showing up with all the people who saw it happen, and you must have had marks on you....then letting him walk away.

[minizombie]

Omg, thank you all so much for your replies, this forum has definitely helped me see things more clearly now.

 

I do not wish to press charges because I know that if I ruined his future, I would not feel good about it. That's the thing about me, I still have a soft spot for him despite what he did. I will never ever go back to him definitely and I am trying to be the bigger person to try to forgive and let go. Also, he had some minor scratches on his hands when I was trying to get my phone back from him so the police officer said that if I want to blow up the matter, it would be considered 'affray in public' instead of him abusing me since there's no solid evidence other than a few scratches on me. All the slapping and choking and pushing did not leave bruises or anything that's why. So I decided not to drag this drama on and told the officers that I do not wish to pursue the matter.

 

I am just wondering how do I cope with the feelings of self-blame for the demise of our relationship and the turnout of everything. I feel like I treated him badly and that was his snapping point. After all, he already broke up with me and I kept pursuing the matter to get 'closure'. I approached him with an accusatory tone, too. He said that I have insulted his family etc, regarding the debt incident because I kept questioning him about it and he did not want to reveal anything because he said it's private. I realised my mistakes, I should have went NC immediately but I was stubborn. He has been emotionally unavailable from the start and I should have stayed out of everything. I have seen his true colours. I have accepted the fact that he loves her more than he loved me. It doesn't matter, perhaps she's just a better fit for him. I am pretty headstrong so I pick fights with him instead of always being submissive.

 

I just can't help comparing myself to her and I know I should stop it and take it as a lesson learn. I just want to forgive and forget everything. I do not want to have thoughts of revenge or the urge to talk to his girlfriend again. Thank goodness they blocked me off everything because I think I will actually start to pry again and I really wish I could stop doing that. Is it a pride thing? I have had relationships when I was 16 and it ended amicably and I moved on pretty darn fast. I guess it's because I am 21 now and the relationship was pretty toxic so I find it harder to move on from this. I will never get closure. I will never know if he lied or if he told the truth because his story changes over time. That's the thing I hate. I also find it sad that we went from 'lovers' to people who can't even stand each other. I have never had anyone hate me that much before. How do I let go of everything? I know that's the only way to go.

Edited February 16, 2016 by minizombie

[dreamingoftigers]

She saw her BF was in trouble for hitting another woman. They are all blocking OP on Facebook. It's safe to say the girlfriend doesn't care anything about what she had to say. The girlfriend is in her own hell with this "winner" of a man. OP should press charges as much as she can & stay the hell away from them.

 

She theoretically would have seen her BF dealing with police and the "crazy ex-gf" that's he's probably insisted his gf block on FB.

 

The police, due to confidentiality issues wouldn't be able to tell her about an incident that she didn't witness etc. Especially since OP hasn't pressed charges etc.

 

So it would REALLY look like the crazy ex came up, he called police OR crazy ex called police on him to make trouble. And Crazy Ex would insist on talking to gf, who would just see her causing a bunch of crazy trouble, reassert her boundaries because clearly "this woman is unstable."

 

It seems so basic, I have no idea how anyone would miss this.

[minizombie]

She theoretically would have seen her BF dealing with police and the "crazy ex-gf" that's he's probably insisted his gf block on FB.

 

The police, due to confidentiality issues wouldn't be able to tell her about an incident that she didn't witness etc. Especially since OP hasn't pressed charges etc.

 

So it would REALLY look like the crazy ex came up, he called police OR crazy ex called police on him to make trouble. And Crazy Ex would insist on talking to gf, who would just see her causing a bunch of crazy trouble, reassert her boundaries because clearly "this woman is unstable."

 

It seems so basic, I have no idea how anyone would miss this.

 

Yeah I figured that's how it all looked like to his gf but I doubt I can do anything about it anymore. Telling her what truly happened wouldn't serve any purpose even if I had evidence or whatever, he can lie to her just like how he lied to me. Or maybe he was honest with her but she doesn't care anyway and thinks that everything is my fault and that "I deserved the abuse", since she doesn't like me either haha. I have seen his true colours. I am glad he is out of my life and is with her. If she can accept such a man, good for her. But I have seen how violent he can get and it's pretty darn scary.. I doubt he is like that with her since she's a 'better fit' for him and they have had a long history, they probably know each others' flaws and everything.

Edited February 16, 2016 by minizombie

[stillafool]

It should be clear to you that he lied to you. He never loved you and now doesn't even want to be bothered. If a guy said to me the things he said to you he would never have to worry about seeing or hearing from me again. If you really care about your pride pick it up off the ground and move on. This guy doesn't care one ounce for you.

[bathtub-row]

He didn't pressure or manipulate me into sex, it just happened in the heat of the moment. At times, I would test him and asked if he wanted to have sex with me, he would say no and he wouldn't.. He kept saying it was me who kept asking it from him and I'll admit it's true. I am still quite naive so that's why I came onto this forum to ask for opinions. Why would he be so hurt that I kissed another guy? He looked really really hurt and I felt really bad for doing what I did. I figured I was just a rebound for him after he 'broke up' with his ex.

 

Im not talking about him pressuring you. This isn't high school, is it? What I'm talking about is that men are very good at being manipulative and IT'S ALL ABOUT GETTING YOU IN THE SACK. Do not ever underestimate the importance of that. And once they get you there, their ego isn't going to be ok with you kissing another guy. Don't ever mistake words for action. Don't ever mistake jealousy for love. He can say all he wants but his actions really said it all and you chose to ignore that.

[SSJROMANCE]

So I decided to confront my ex-boyfriend (who I suspect has been playing me and his current girlfriend along) yesterday night. It wasn't pretty. He told me to leave him alone and he didn't want me back. He said that he's happy with her now and being with me made him realise how nice she was to him and he said that I am the worst person he ever met.

 

I told him I was insecure because he was constantly with his girlfriend (to give a background, he told me he broke up with her but had to pretend to be her boyfriend because her father has cancer. Even after we broke up, he said he has no feelings for her and is only staying because his father owes her family a lot of money, so he's indebted to her). But he kept pointing fingers at me and said that I am just an insecure person and told me that he couldn't stand me anymore.

 

I told him that I will still tell his girlfriend on him and he got really angry. He took my phone away and went to my photo albums (probably to delete proof of us) and whenever I tried to take my phone back, he got physical. He slapped me, choked me and kept pushing me. He even semi-twisted my shoulders to steal my phone from me. I panicked and told people to call the police. Then, he called his girlfriend down to talk to me.

 

The police arrived and THEN the girlfriend arrived. So by then, I did not manage to talk to his girlfriend and I am not sure what he told his girlfriend about me. When I walked over to her and tried to talk to her, she said "it's best we don't talk to each other." I am not even sure if she's aware that he is cheating on her. He may have painted me as a 'psycho girl that can't get over him', not even an ex-girlfriend! After the whole matter, he held her hands in front of me and walked off happily, what a bastard. Throughout our whole relationship he never held my hands in public, saying that he's "not comfortable with public displays of affection". This incident really hurt me a lot. I feel so inferior compared to her and the fact that I made their relationship stronger kills me. I am at loss of what to do. Is she even aware what a cheating liar he is? What if she's so brainwashed by him? Doesn't she deserve to know the truth?

 

Is she really 'better' than me such that he treats her nicer than he treated me? This really hurts my already fragile self-esteem a lot. They are probably back together happily now and he just used me for sex throughout our 7 months relationship or something. I really hate myself.

 

 

It is clear to me that he has been playing you the entire time with these BS stories. I would say you are VERY naive. Tell his current girlfriend about you two. I'm sure he has been playing her as well. Do not let him get away with this. I never understood women who do. My wife was VERY naive and fell for a lot of things. She had a one night stand in college and then hooked up with him again thinking he was just going to introduce her to his friends but all he wanted was sex. Then she found out he had a girlfriend. She allowed the guy to use her and get away with it. Guys who use people prey for the naive no boundary low self esteem women. We need build an island for these types.

[ShatteredLady]

Hopefully there will be some lovely men in your life & he will become a distant memory. I say 'some' because at 21 you shouldn't be talking about 'good catch'. You're at school to become a fully developed, educated, strong lady who IS the catch.

 

The chances of that man spending his life with that girl are so slim. The chances of him being faithful are zero. You need to spot the creeps like him & find the nice guys. I hope you do & you have a great life. It's a fantastic journey!!

[Jersey born raised]

While exposure to her was not in the same league as other events, such as an the actions of a rapist or pedophile, the same issue is raised: the responsibility to warn others of harmful behavior of someone.

 

This guys is out there in the twi-light zone. Not to warn her is to leave her in for a world of hurt. What makes not telling her about his two timing her any different then an ex-girlfriend warning the new girlfriend he was physically abusive ?

 

In an event, if the police where involved and girlfriend knows this she is warned, let it go. As to the assault and battery press charges, DO NOT BACK DOWM !!!