Million Dollar Question: Is it too late?

[UnluckySoul]

Hey, I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years just before Christmas and been reading here in between to try and soothe my emotions and find advice. It's my first long term relationship (I'm 22, we were together since 17), which I guess makes things all that much harder, but deep down, I truly believe I could live a healthy life with her by my side.

 

So bit of background:

 

I was never one to go out much, and never really paid her much affection apart from on the weekends because I was building a race car and got addicted to social media because of that, essentially giving me a large ego which led to me prioritising things incorrectly. During November 2015, we said we'd give it 6 weeks to see if things change, otherwise we'll have to end it. That was fair and I agreed, because after all, we both finished 3 years of university and now that I earn money, I would be more willing to go out and spoil her etc. But fast forward to 19th December, we talked about our 6 weeks and I stupidly enough said breaking up was the best option. After thinking about it, I acted this was out of fear for not changing because I loved her so much I could not stand to hurt her anymore.

 

So Christmas Eve, I dropped some presents over to hers that my mother got her because we left of amicable terms, it was the least she deserved. It was here, whilst I spoke to her I realised what a monumental mistake I had made. It turned out, she meant the world to me and that I was a fool for letting things go! Now, I hold my hands up and admit the vast majority of blame lies within me.

 

It was around her Birthday (29th) & New Year I said to her how much I regretted breaking up. I saw her on the 5h January with 6 Roses, a hand written letter explaining how much I loved her and an empty ring box. Why? Because before we broke up I guess I was still immature, I never looked at moving out or moving our relationship forward, something I know she wanted to do. I wanted to give her something to symbolise my level of commitment in the future. I made clear that it wouldn't be immediate, but during a fresh start and the time is right, I wouldn't have any reservations to commitment with her. She was beautiful, made me laugh and happy. What more could I want?

 

She said about how she felt content when she broke up (as well as being upset) because she could no longer blame me for her unhappiness. She said how she had avoided certain things for so long and that she wants to take the time now to confront them. She has an issue where she doesn't like things outside of her control (She's had counselling for this). One of which was getting on a plane, finding a job, getting over her fears of lifts etc. Things I want to stand by her side and support her.

 

So over the last 3/4 weeks we have text a fair bit, the whole NC thing wouldn't work because we were so emotionally invested with each other I guess (Well definitely from my point of view. She'll usually text a day or two later with something she knows i'd like)

 

One night I had to take my mum to hospital, and because I felt lonely I sent a text at 3.30 am saying "Im in A&E with my mum, I wish I could call you right. I love you." to which she woke up and we ended up calling for 30/40minutes, with both of us saying I love you when we put the phone down.

 

She felt like everything was a countdown until the 7th Feb (Where she got on a flight with her brother), and I would try to give her space so she can deal with her thoughts as a relationship wasn't her priority at this moment. So on the 6th I took her shopping with me for an hour to get her mind away from things, and to let her know I'm there anytime should she need me. Come Sunday 7th, I sent her multiple texts saying good luck, how proud I am of her and hope she has a good day out. Basically being a supportive boyfriend. And she text me at night saying how much she appreciated me being there for her and supporting her. I even tracked her flights in real time just so I knew she was safe.

 

So with her flight out of the way, I thought she would be on Cloud 9 and be open to reconciling a fresh start (She never closed the door on one, just the fact she wants to sort herself out first). We met up for a coffee to chat about her flight, and also about us. She said how theres a 50/50 or 40/60 chance we could get back together in the future, and that we may not. She said she still loves me, and in fact even said joked how much she wanted to have sex with me. We both said no because it'd confuse things and that I value her much more than a quick bit of fun.

 

She mentioned how she wanted me to stay around, we can still text, occasionally call and meet up etc. But I'm at a crossroads on what to do? I want her to miss me and realise I wont be a plan B whilst she sorts herself out, but at the same time I can't ignore her because I love her too much, and I really don't want 5 years to go to waste. I genuinely feel that given s second chance where I give her my full attention, we could go so far together.

 

Let me introduce what I feel is a major problem; There is this boy, I say boy as he is only 19 and just started going to uni about 200 miles away. She worked with him before we broke up and lives locally prior to university, and she occasionally dropped him home when they worked together. Nothing more than a friendly work colleague. After we broke up, I noticed she now his number and that they text and occasionally call each other. She said how she wanted to go see him for a weekend, mainly to get away from home and have a change of scenery. This never happened, and instead he's come down here this weekend. His family also live her, but I would say the main reason is to come see her. I just don't know how to handle this? When we were together, I was always an "Alpha" as it would be classed, always dismissed him and knew i was better, and she was always in my bed at the end of the day.

 

After speaking to my friends, they seem to think I'm overthinking things and that it could be just a simple friendship as she doesn't have many friends. (We both lost most of our friends because of each other, so it could be that because she's getting some form of attention, she's enjoying it?) But I just feel this guy is a hurdle and making things so much harder. She said how a relationship between them just wouldn't work, because we mainly saw each other on the weekend, and with him it'd be far less. Not to mention he's a few years younger, and at a different point in his life.

 

I've probably gone off track a bit, but what's the best step to go from here? Should I be worried about this boy? She knows exactly how I feel about her, what I want in the future with her and that I will be true to myself and prioritising those things that truly make me happy (a.k.a her, not my car/social media likes)

 

Summary

I broke up with her out of fear for not changing into the affectionate person I used to be

After some thinking, I found out what was giving me this ego and decided to cut it from my life to find the true "me" again

I have gone far beyond what most guys would do for a girl, written letters on how i love her, why I was the way I was, what I want in the future with her (i.e. one day a house, a pet, a ring, socialising with her friends etc.)

She wants time to sort herself out before a relationship, conquer her fears, find a job etc.

But there is this 19 year boy she's talking to, she says just a friendship and even if he has intentions, she's in control. During her flight it was only me and 2 other close friends that really supported her through it, he only send the odd text. She told me this was an answer within itself apparently?

She never was the one to sleep around, we were always 100% loyal to each other.

 

 

Can things be fixed or is it too late?

Edited February 13, 2016 by UnluckySoul

[Jersey born raised]

You broke up with her. If she has started to move on you need to accept it. What you describe is not cheating, so do not act jealous.

 

Fight for her by being the guy she wants to be with. Fight for her by showing real signs of being grown up. Can you afford an apartment ? Look for one. Look into continuing education courses. Such as cookingad dancing. Show growth as a person. If there is still a connection with you this will draw her back.

 

Read His Needs - Her Needs and the 5 love languages. It will help you to learn to be bold in sharing your feelings.

 

Keep posting.

[Els]

You sound like a decent guy who made a mistake, but it's also right for her to want to work on herself before making a decision about your R. You broke up with her after 5 years - that must have been a bit of a shock that led to her reevaluating her life and priorities. That isn't a bad thing at all, it's a necessary part of growing up, but it may or may not lead to her choosing to remain single.

 

I think my answer is really just: No one can tell you if it's too late or not. Just give her space for a while, carry on with life, work on yourself while she is working on herself, and see what happens.

[UnluckySoul]

Thanks for the words :-)

 

I have been working on myself, carrying on going to the gym, socialising with what friends I have etc. I've been trying to make my actions count, because I've seen her quite a bit. Ranging from the cinema & food, coffee's, mini-golf etc which we always end up having a good time, and more importantly it shows her how I no longer wish to do nothing, but rather go out and live life.

 

After thinking about it, I guess the break up was 50/50, as we both agreed before we broke up I needed to change my ways, something I failed to do until it was too late unfortunately. She knows that I love her, and that I want to sit down and discuss both of our expectations before a fresh start happens. But she questions why do we need to rush things, which I guess is a thing to say, but I just don't want to waste anymore time as she is the only thing I truly love and need in my life.

[UnluckySoul]

Something I am considering is doing a road trip from the UK to Italy to watch the Formula 1, something that could help to show her how I've matured and become independent as I've never been away by myself before. But I must add, I am doing that because I'm passionate about motorsport and feel like doing something like this could also give me something to look forward to in the future also. So I may buy 2x tickets, if we get back together than awesome. If not, I can find a friend to take or sell one :-)

[Brady375]

Buddy I had a gf for 5 1/2 years. From age 19-24ish. Ten years later this is what I learned looking back.

 

1. In regards to "getting her back" the whole telling her how you changed stuff or giving cards and empty ring boxes does not work. Stop doing that stuff. Been there done that. You guys are Still on decent terms. Be friendly but don't over pursue and be secure in yourself. Get on with your life and do Not feel the need to give her updates or let her know how Great your doing. You may feel the need to because you want things to move faster but that's not how it works. If she wants to know what your up too she'll ask. If she does don't sell yourself to her or become too overly excited. Also don't Read into things. Don't over analyze everything she says to u trying to get a feeling for where she is at.

 

She is gone at the moment. Get on w your life.

 

2. Your 22. Brother people change quite a bit between the ages of 20-30. There is a lot going on and people are in school and the. Starting new careers trying to find themselves. People of your age aren't "Stable" they are still evolving and w two people doing A Lot of growing sometimes they grow apart. In your case sometimes people are just young and unsure of what's out there or what they have. This is completely normal. Given your age I 100% would do Whatever it is You Want to do. Do Not Do anything soley for the purpose of getting her back. Live your life and do what you want to do. You Cannot at your age base your decisions of what you might pursue based off of another person. A relationship that is based off of this at your age I don't think will last long term. If you want to go on that Trip Go! If she doesn't like it but it's something you want to do oh well. Then maybe at this point in ur life/ this age u two aren't compatible. Another post suggested getting an apartment to show how grown up u are. I am adamantly Against u doing this Unless that is something you would want to do w or wo her. You don't go signing a Lease or making any major life decision at age 22 based off of Any GF. If the GF doesn't stick around your left by yourself w your Decisions.

 

Around your age I was Still w my gf and I took two Big trips 3 weeks each to a different continent. She was upset and mad at me for doing so but I Had to do some things by myself for myself at that time in my life and luckily I knew it. We broke up and I never once regret taking those trips which in small part led to us breaking up. Looking back ten years we weren't meant to be together and I may have made some big decisions post breakup that revolved around her and Us and just not me. Luckily they didn't Derail my life.

 

3. Point being if it's meant to be you two will find eachother again. Don't over think or over stress it. Make your major decisions for your self right now your 22 and entering the world. Know for a fact no matter what happens your going to be fine and happy. Just don't Force anything a this age. You have too much to see and do. Take it from me. Been there. Done that.