When should I call her?

[Ace]

Refer to my Advice post a little farther down in my reply. We are supposed to do something tomorrow and we both do not know when or what we are doing. I have decided not to call her today and just see if she calls me.

 

If she doesn't call then we are not going to do anything. After this little incident, when should I call her that is if she doesn't call. I don't want to leave a 3-4 day gap where we don't talk to each other so do you think I should call her at all.

 

I am curious on what this is going to do. This will either bring her closer or drive her away. If it drives her away then she was already gone when I started.

 

Adam

[Tony T]

If she doesn't call, call her in a few days and act like absolutely nothing is wrong. Have a real nice but short conversation with her, don't ask her out, and then say bye. Be nice and friendly but let her know, without actually telling her straight out, that she's not the beginning or the end of your life...and mean it.

 

You are still caring way too much. If you never hear from her again in your life, it's no big deal. That would be a lot better than you torturing yourself about this stuff.

[clia]

Well, you probably don't want my advice, but...

 

You say "If she doesn't call then we are not going to do anything."

 

So, I take it to mean that it's all her decision whether or not you go out? You posted this at 10 p.m., so I take that to mean that you still haven't heard from her tonight. (Assuming you're in the Eastern time zone.) In my opinion, that's just plain rude. If the two of you made plans for tomorrow night, she should've called by now to confirm or cancel so that you could make other plans. I can already picture you waiting by the phone tomorrow night for her call, and when she doesn't, having nothing to do with your Friday night. That really makes me sad. She is ruling your life.

 

Personally, I think you should make other plans anyway and if she does call, say "Well, I hadn't heard from you, so I assumed you didn't want to get together." That'll make her think twice about stringing you along and waiting until the last minute. (And did it cross your mind that she might be waiting until the last minute so that she can go out with you if she doesn't find anything better to do?)

 

Anyway, I don't think you should call her at all if she doesn't call you. Wait for her to make all of that effort to dial your seven digits and have a conversation. But, if you do insist on calling her (which I know you will), take Tony's advice and don't ask her out and keep it short. Look at it this way--if you don't call her, she's going to start wondering what the heck you're up to and you can tell her how busy you've been when she calls. She will HATE to hear that, trust me, and it could end up earning you some points back with her.

[Laurynn]

I know this is all very hard for you, but remember, you did all this in the past?....trying to go a few days without calling here, coming her and asking each day how long you should go before calling. You are absolutely obsessed with this woman and I seriously think you need to seek some professional help.

 

It's not healthy for a young man to be so consumed with a woman. Don't you have any interests? Sports? Hobbies? Friends?

 

Your entire life seems to revolve solely around this girl. You make everything so complicated. It really doesn't have to be.

 

Tony has given you advice in the past, on how to go about avoiding her for a few days. It's a shame you forgot it.

 

Not everything with this girl has to be planned right down to the letter. You don't seem to be the least bit spontaneous or 'fly by the seat of your pants.' You want all plans made in advance, to know what you're doing on 'such and such day' and at what time.

 

If you want my honest opinion, here it is. I think this girl really does care for you....after all, you've been together for 4 years. But I sense strongly that she's fallen out of love with you. If she's telling you that she gave her phone # to someone else, and that they DID call her, she is trying very hard to tell you that she wants her freedom.....she wants you to let her go. She is doing it in such a way as to hurt your feelings as little as possible.

 

She obviously realizes how clingy and needy and insecure you are (I'm not putting you down here)....and she doesn't want to hurt you.....but her heart is just 'not in it' any longer.

 

Stop calling her all TOGETHER. For your own sanity and mental health, make some changes in your life. Join a club, group, sports team (summer is almost here!).....widen your circle of friends........make a list of 20 *new* things that you've always wanted to do but haven't yet....or 20 things you'd like to try. PUSH YOURSELF. You are in a rut here. Your codependence is going to ruin all future relationships....and you're going to lead a very miserable life down the road.

 

Do not call her again. Keep busy, if she phones well you're not home because you're out with friends, out at the movies, out for a walk, etc. Do this FOR YOU, not because you're trying to make her jealous.

 

Honestly, you need to get some help here. You are slowly losing your identity and your control.

 

Laurynn

[Laurynn]

I know this is all very hard for you, but remember, you did all this in the past?....trying to go a few days without calling here, coming her and asking each day how long you should go before calling. You are absolutely obsessed with this woman and I seriously think you need to seek some professional help. It's not healthy for a young man to be so consumed with a woman. Don't you have any interests? Sports? Hobbies? Friends? Your entire life seems to revolve solely around this girl. You make everything so complicated. It really doesn't have to be. Tony has given you advice in the past, on how to go about avoiding her for a few days. It's a shame you forgot it. Not everything with this girl has to be planned right down to the letter. You don't seem to be the least bit spontaneous or 'fly by the seat of your pants.' You want all plans made in advance, to know what you're doing on 'such and such day' and at what time. If you want my honest opinion, here it is. I think this girl really does care for you....after all, you've been together for 4 years. But I sense strongly that she's fallen out of love with you. If she's telling you that she gave her phone # to someone else, and that they DID call her, she is trying very hard to tell you that she wants her freedom.....she wants you to let her go. She is doing it in such a way as to hurt your feelings as little as possible. She obviously realizes how clingy and needy and insecure you are (I'm not putting you down here)....and she doesn't want to hurt you.....but her heart is just 'not in it' any longer. Stop calling her all TOGETHER. For your own sanity and mental health, make some changes in your life. Join a club, group, sports team (summer is almost here!).....widen your circle of friends........make a list of 20 *new* things that you've always wanted to do but haven't yet....or 20 things you'd like to try. PUSH YOURSELF. You are in a rut here. Your codependence is going to ruin all future relationships....and you're going to lead a very miserable life down the road. Do not call her again. Keep busy, if she phones well you're not home because you're out with friends, out at the movies, out for a walk, etc. Do this FOR YOU, not because you're trying to make her jealous. Honestly, you need to get some help here. You are slowly losing your identity and your control.

 

Laurynn

[Ace]

She called and I did not say anything about doing something on Friday and I wasn't either. It is time for her to do that! She eventually said something about doing something and she even planned something! WOW! It surprised me alot! Anyway, she even came over this morning to tell me some good news that she found out about her job.

 

It seems that that may be working because when I didn't call, she seemed better. I am going to continue doing this until I can sense that she is "back" and then maybe things will be normal again.

 

Adam

[Tony T]

Adam, we have all been trying to tell you this for a long, long time. I'm glad you've started to listen!!!

[Laurynn]

Ace...

 

You wrote:

 

"It seems that that may be working because when I didn't call, she seemed better. I am going to continue doing this until I can sense that she is "back" and then maybe things will be normal again."

 

Haha. Just because on *one* occasion, YOU didn't PHONE her, that doesn't mean that things will soon be 'back to normal.' This new behavior of yours has to become a way of life.....not just something you UNTIL things are, as you put it, 'back to normal' (which I take to mean, that once they are, you'll be back to your needy, clingy, catering to her every need, SELF)

 

If you were really using your head, you wouldn't have even been HOME when she phoned you...and you would have told her you had plans already...because it would have been true......becuz you would have a LIFE outside of this girl. (which you obviously don't).

 

Ahh well, you do whatever you're going to do. I just hope that you're not the "norm" for our young men today....being clingy, needy, ass-kissing, no life, obsessed, etc.

 

L

[JustAGirl]

Hey Adam!

 

keep it up - not too many calls, etc... i know what it feels like to have a clingy bf. i dunno yr whole story but i can tell u that if she likes u, she'll be back after u as soon as u distance yrself a bit... so do it! be as nice as usual, but in a way smaller quantity... same quality though, aka stay yourself... make it a fun push n pull game =)

 

Good luck