Can anyone help me?

[jk1983]

Right...i've been really good friends with this girl for a couple of years, she has a boyfriend who, to put it mildly, is a bit of a loose cannon. About a month ago the girl and myself were out at a bar when she suddenly kissed me, which to be honest came as a complete shock. We went back to hers and she told me that she'd fallen in love with me, she's really attractive and we get on amazingly. I want to be with her. The problem is that her boyfriend is heavily into drugs, he's often suicidal and relies on this girl alot. She says she wants to leave him but is scared of what he'll do if she does. We both really care about this guy.

 

In the last week i've seen her a couple of times and she seems really off with me, it's doing my head in, i'm so in love with her but above all i'm worried about losing a great friend!

 

Any help or advice would be hugely appreciated

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by jk1983

Right...i've been really good friends with this girl for a couple of years, she has a boyfriend who, to put it mildly, is a bit of a loose cannon. About a month ago the girl and myself were out at a bar when she suddenly kissed me, which to be honest came as a complete shock. We went back to hers and she told me that she'd fallen in love with me, she's really attractive and we get on amazingly. I want to be with her. The problem is that her boyfriend is heavily into drugs, he's often suicidal and relies on this girl alot. She says she wants to leave him but is scared of what he'll do if she does. We both really care about this guy.

 

In the last week i've seen her a couple of times and she seems really off with me, it's doing my head in, i'm so in love with her but above all i'm worried about losing a great friend!

 

Any help or advice would be hugely appreciated

 

I would back off. Because of her situation with the bf she might see you as the rescuer and had a moment of emotions with you. If you have been friends for 2 years and never had a physical relationship and odds are she didn't want one ( because you seem to want it ). She will think about what happened and probably try to avoid you if she is having second thoughts. If you want to stay friends don't bring up what happened but just continue on with the friendship and help her with the bf ( if that is what you want out of the relationship ). If you decide that you really want more than friends then be prepared to lose the friendship.

 

Peace...

[LucreziaBorgia]

The problem is that her boyfriend is heavily into drugs, he's often suicidal and relies on this girl alot. She says she wants to leave him but is scared of what he'll do if she does.

 

Allowing your life to be hijacked by passive aggressive threats, and being held responsible for being someone's only source of happiness is no way to live. It will take extraordinary courage to call this bluff. You will lose a friend, but you may save this guy's life.

 

You and she must sit him down and talk to him. If he even so much as threatens suicide then or any time in the future, call 911 and report a suicide threat with drug use involved and give his location. When EMS gets there - if you happen to be there - explain that he is suicidal and needs help. Then he will be taken to a hospital for observation and drug testing. Once he fails the drug tests, he will probably be given the option of rehab along with his observation period - but certainly he will be forced to clean up and hopefully work on his problems.

 

Enabling him to hold you two hostage like that will not help a single problem he has. Not one. You and she are not equipped to give him the help he needs. If you really want to help him, you will have to stop enabling him - and get him some real help.

 

Once that happens, do not - and I repeat DO NOT get yourself involved with this girl romantically for the time being. She may think she loves you - but her love could be motivated primarily be a need to escape her current relationship. You want her to be sure she is running to you out of choice, and not out of blind panic and escape. She is going to need some time to really process what has happened, and if you get involved with her - she will use that as an excuse to replace her problems with you. And guess what... the problems will still be there. Help her with the problems first, and clear some way in her heart for you. That will take time, so be patient. Don't sleep with her, kiss her or anything like that. Be friendly, affectionate and supportive. The last thing you want to do to a girl who has suffered in an emotionally abusive situation like that is to plunge her directly into a relationship that she isn't emotionally ready for and have her self-destruct on you and take you out with her when she spirals down.