The Affair that Tore Apart my Marriage

[zetara86]

My affair first started in March of 2015 and ended abruptly in January 2016.

 

Prior to this, I had a wonderful husband who I have been with for 8 years, a beautiful home, was close to my family, and had two little cats that kept us company. I even was pregnant for the second time but yet again, I had another miscarriage at just 7 weeks.

 

After this, I became bitter and depressed. I am not someone who drinks or uses drugs but something happened to me that changed my life. I met a man who filled the void in my life. He was fun and made me laugh despite the pain I was in from not being able to have a child. I believed it was just lust at first but the dopamine and PEA I was feeling made me ignore the consequences. Every day, this man kept pushing me to be his girlfriend and he knew I was married. He was absolutely crazy for me and couldn't let go no matter how many times I tried to leave him.

 

In September I became pregnant with his child. I'm 28 and he is 46. He was so happy when he heard the news. Later on, I actually moved with him back to his country because I believed the child needed their real father. He changed completely into someone who just wanted to control me. He became angry with me for almost everything I did. The temper frightened me so much that I knew it was a warning sign for me to leave.

 

I contacted my hubby in email and told him how afraid I was. Immediately he bought me a plane ticket to come back home. I decided to live with my grandparents and within a week, I landed a job that pays very well. All of my savings are in preparation for my child.

 

Currently my hubby and I are getting back together but he tells me every day he's afraid of me and it really makes me sad to know all of the pain I put him through. My hubby is the most sweet, shy, and gentle person I have ever known and right now I am treating him as if it was our last day on earth together. He has never hit me or yelled at me through the 8 years we've been together. He works two jobs and doesn't drink. I have never met a man who can be so calm. I know we are soulmates and I feel that the reason why the affair happened was to give me a child and learn how to love my husband unconditionally.

 

It's funny - almost all of the things he used to do don't bother me anymore. Putting dirty tissues inside the toilet paper roll, pranking me by putting random items in my purse or even sitting in silence doesn't bother me. The fact is, I am just happy being next to him and that's what matters.

 

I have been reading a lot of books about affairs and am healing from the pain I put my husband through and the suffering I have also been through. I just wanted to tell others that affairs are not the answer to problems in your life. I know it's difficult to back out of an affair but please - think of what will happen to your family, children, your home and your self respect. People who are so clouded by their affair often don't learn until it's too late.

 

I believe God gave me another chance in my marriage. I'm incredibly happy and at peace now that I am not hurting the others around me. I will never make the same mistake again..

[anika99]

My affair first started in March of 2015 and ended abruptly in January 2016.

 

Prior to this, I had a wonderful husband who I have been with for 8 years, a beautiful home, was close to my family, and had two little cats that kept us company. I even was pregnant for the second time but yet again, I had another miscarriage at just 7 weeks.

 

After this, I became bitter and depressed. I am not someone who drinks or uses drugs but something happened to me that changed my life. I met a man who filled the void in my life. He was fun and made me laugh despite the pain I was in from not being able to have a child. I believed it was just lust at first but the dopamine and PEA I was feeling made me ignore the consequences. Every day, this man kept pushing me to be his girlfriend and he knew I was married. He was absolutely crazy for me and couldn't let go no matter how many times I tried to leave him.

 

In September I became pregnant with his child. I'm 28 and he is 46. He was so happy when he heard the news. Later on, I actually moved with him back to his country because I believed the child needed their real father. He changed completely into someone who just wanted to control me. He became angry with me for almost everything I did. The temper frightened me so much that I knew it was a warning sign for me to leave.

 

I contacted my hubby in email and told him how afraid I was. Immediately he bought me a plane ticket to come back home. I decided to live with my grandparents and within a week, I landed a job that pays very well. All of my savings are in preparation for my child.

 

Currently my hubby and I are getting back together but he tells me every day he's afraid of me and it really makes me sad to know all of the pain I put him through. My hubby is the most sweet, shy, and gentle person I have ever known and right now I am treating him as if it was our last day on earth together. He has never hit me or yelled at me through the 8 years we've been together. He works two jobs and doesn't drink. I have never met a man who can be so calm. I know we are soulmates and I feel that the reason why the affair happened was to give me a child and learn how to love my husband unconditionally.

 

It's funny - almost all of the things he used to do don't bother me anymore. Putting dirty tissues inside the toilet paper roll, pranking me by putting random items in my purse or even sitting in silence doesn't bother me. The fact is, I am just happy being next to him and that's what matters.

 

I have been reading a lot of books about affairs and am healing from the pain I put my husband through and the suffering I have also been through. I just wanted to tell others that affairs are not the answer to problems in your life. I know it's difficult to back out of an affair but please - think of what will happen to your family, children, your home and your self respect. People who are so clouded by their affair often don't learn until it's too late.

 

I believe God gave me another chance in my marriage. I'm incredibly happy and at peace now that I am not hurting the others around me. I will never make the same mistake again..

 

You would probably get more replies if you were to post this in the infidelity forum as this is the OW/OM forum and you are not an OW. You are a cheating spouse and your affair partner was single.

 

I feel that the reason why the affair happened was to give me a child and learn how to love my husband unconditionally.

 

As for the above quote, good lord I hope you never say that to your husband. If that is what you are telling him then you are giving him good reason to fear being with you again. First of all that statement makes it sound like you had no control or choice in having an affair. Like it was fated to happen by the universe and you just had to ride the wave. How can your husband ever trust you when you think life just happens and you are not in control of your choices? Maybe the universe will force you into another affair to teach you some more stuff? Doesn't sound like a very good deal for your husband.

 

Secondly, if you are saying that to your husband, it sounds like you are trying to manipulate him into believing the affair was actually a good thing, a sort of blessing in disguise. That shows a huge lack of empathy on your part. You destroyed a part of your husband that he may never recover. He is in emotional pain daily and the last thing he needs to hear from the person who did this to him is that it was fated by the universe and it was actually a good thing.

 

Are you and your husband in counselling? Please read the infidelity forum. The posters there will give you more insight into how your husband feels.

[whatatangledweb]

Same quote bothers me...

I feel that the reason why the affair happened was to give me a child and learn how to love my husband unconditionally.

 

So you got what you wanted and your husband lost . You got to get attention, feel special, and get pregnant. You lost nothing. Your husband lost the life he thought he had. He must be a hell of a guy to take you back with the child not being his.Please never say that to him.

[sandylee1]

You should never stop thanking your husband for giving you a second chance....ESPECIALLY carrying another man's child. Your husband is one hell of a great forgiving man. You've used him as your fallback guy and have a LOT of making up to him.

 

We can all control our urges if we want and you willingly had the affair. .it wasn't fate...so don't say it as others have pointed out...there's no destiny there. You were getting pregnant with your H and could have done so again.

 

Focus on your baby and helping your husband try and heal by reading 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair' by Linda Macdonald.

 

Remember that your baby will be a constant reminder of your infidelity despite all the joy you'll feel being a mother.

 

The fact that he even bought you a plane ticket home speaks volumes about his character. Appreciate and love him as he deserves or someone else will be happy to take your place.

 

Good luck

[RRM321]

I get the impression your affair happened because your were in enormous pain, and turned away from your own truth. A miscarriage while common, is still traumatic.

 

The affair was not fate or serendipity - it was a response to trauma. As a result, your husband has now suffered a trauma of his own.

 

I think you're fortunate to have such a kind and loving man like your BH, and if you give him time, real honesty, and take full responsibility for both the affair and his future emotional protection, perhaps you can rebuild trust.

 

I hope you can also be as equally kind and loving as he is, should it turn out that what you are asking of him is too much.

Edited February 14, 2016 by RRM321

[Satu]

You and your husband need to very gentle with each other, and as loving as you know how to be.

 

This can be made to work.

 

Don't look back.

 

Look forward.

 

 

Good luck.

[sammy7111]

This isn't going to work like you think everytime he looks at the kid he will remember your affair

[OneLov]

So you got what you wanted and your husband lost . You got to get attention, feel special, and get pregnant. You lost nothing. Your husband lost the life he thought he had. He must be a hell of a guy to take you back with the child not being his.Please never say that to him.

 

But it's God's will! Lol. I'm sorry I couldn't resist.

 

OP is in some hardcore shock/denial. My hope is 6-12 months from now she'll see the affair not as the work of divine intervention; rather, a profusion of purposeful, willful, and deliberate choices/decisions to act in accordance with the affair that were made with sound mind but using poor judgement.

[RRM321]

This reminds me that women just don't seem to talk about miscarriage. They suffer in silence not knowing they are surrounded by so many other women having had the same experience.

 

The name itself should be changed. "Miscarriage" is a description from the dark ages. Women are not vessels and pregnancy is not merely transport. Can't imagine how this term has survived for so long.

[Ms. Faust]

This reminds me that women just don't seem to talk about miscarriage. They suffer in silence not knowing they are surrounded by so many other women having had the same experience.

 

The name itself should be changed. "Miscarriage" is a description from the dark ages. Women are not vessels and pregnancy is not merely transport. Can't imagine how this term has survived for so long.

 

Hmm, maybe I have been around too many women or pregnancy forums, but I have heard many stories about miscarriages. For a while there I was starting to believe that I was a rare case for having no known miscarriages.

 

I remember my ex's step father telling me a story that his sister had an abortion on the side of a river. I was shocked with the imagery, and didn't understand, and someone had to explain to me that he actually meant miscarriage.

[Trishern]

My affair first started in March of 2015 and ended abruptly in January 2016.

 

Prior to this, I had a wonderful husband who I have been with for 8 years, a beautiful home, was close to my family, and had two little cats that kept us company. I even was pregnant for the second time but yet again, I had another miscarriage at just 7 weeks.

 

After this, I became bitter and depressed. I am not someone who drinks or uses drugs but something happened to me that changed my life. I met a man who filled the void in my life. He was fun and made me laugh despite the pain I was in from not being able to have a child. I believed it was just lust at first but the dopamine and PEA I was feeling made me ignore the consequences. Every day, this man kept pushing me to be his girlfriend and he knew I was married. He was absolutely crazy for me and couldn't let go no matter how many times I tried to leave him.

 

In September I became pregnant with his child. I'm 28 and he is 46. He was so happy when he heard the news. Later on, I actually moved with him back to his country because I believed the child needed their real father. He changed completely into someone who just wanted to control me. He became angry with me for almost everything I did. The temper frightened me so much that I knew it was a warning sign for me to leave.

 

I contacted my hubby in email and told him how afraid I was. Immediately he bought me a plane ticket to come back home. I decided to live with my grandparents and within a week, I landed a job that pays very well. All of my savings are in preparation for my child.

 

Currently my hubby and I are getting back together but he tells me every day he's afraid of me

 

 

Because you hurt him so badly and he believes you could do it again. You became a person he didn't know.

 

 

and it really makes me sad to know all of the pain I put him through. My hubby is the most sweet, shy, and gentle person I have ever known and right now I am treating him as if it was our last day on earth together. He has never hit me or yelled at me through the 8 years we've been together. He works two jobs and doesn't drink. I have never met a man who can be so calm. I know we are soulmates and I feel that the reason why the affair happened was to give me a child and learn how to love my husband unconditionally.

 

You need to stop this kind of thinking. Don't ever ay this nonsense near your husband or that could be the nail in the coffin.

It's funny - almost all of the things he used to do don't bother me anymore. Putting dirty tissues inside the toilet paper roll, pranking me by putting random items in my purse or even sitting in silence doesn't bother me. The fact is, I am just happy being next to him and that's what matters.

 

I have been reading a lot of books about affairs and am healing from the pain I put my husband through and the suffering I have also been through.

 

 

How are you helping your husband heal from the devastation you have caused? if he got another woman pregnant, what could he possibly do that would have made you reconcile and forgive him?

 

I believe God gave me another chance in my marriage. I'm incredibly happy and at peace now that I am not hurting the others around me. I will never make the same mistake again..

 

 

 

See my comments above.

[zetara86]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice.

 

I am just taking this one step at a time and trying to be positive about the whole situation. It's going to take me a long time to forgive myself. I still am going to try to be the best mom I can be and love my child.

 

I am also going to treat my husband with faithfullness and love. I can't imagine how hard this is on him and this is why we are living separate now. Honestly, I don't want him to be around after the baby's born so I will raise my child as a single mother until he feels like he is ready. He may not be and that's OK with me, it will take a lot of time or he may even move on. It's my biggest loss if he does but once again, all of this is my fault.

 

Right now I am keeping myself busy working in two jobs because there is much preparation for the future. I learned a huge lesson from my actions. I realize that affairs dont just affect your spouse but they also hurt everyone around you.