Why can't I get over him? tell me what you think

[Monalisa17]

Hi, I find myself here like the saying goes...'A problem shared is a problem halved' and I really can't burden my friends or family with it anymore, they think I have emotionally moved on from my ex partner...but I havn't.

 

We were together for 7 up and down years...we meet as house mates so together from the start...friends first but were together after 6 months. I wasn't attracted to him but the more we hung out and talked he grew on me and I loved him like I never have anyone before.

 

We moved into our own place and we were good...I did realise however how much he did smoke both cigarettes and grass which he had kept quiet....i later found out he used to self medicate..he had adhd. I could deal with that...for the most part we were happy and had alot of common interests...then the lies starting creeping in....small at first, then bigger.

 

We stayed with his parents and had plans to style a few days and booked to go camping later in the week. When it came to leaving his mum asked us to stay and he said fine without consulting me then lied to his Mother and making me out to be unreasonable saying we had no plans. This put a big strain on the relationship I had with his parents. I forgave him and his excuse was he is a people pleaser and can't disappoint his Parents...so he lies to do so.

 

In 2012 I became pregnant after 3 miscarriages this baby was a blessing. I felt wonderful pregnant and it should be wonderful time for us but several things turned it on its head...

 

- I found he had been hiding, h bank statements from me after racking up credit card debt after they were supposed to be de activated.

-He had started smoking a lot of weed and synthetic weed so was very up and down with his moods and anger.

-He had adhd medication and was good when he remembered to take it...but usually I was having to remind him and he resented me for it saying I was the reason he was like this.

 

Sorry to cut a long story short I gave birth to a healthy baby girl who turns 4 soon. The anger got worse where holes were put in walls and I became scared, he would always calm down and apologize...but the damage and hur. had been done.

 

After the anger and lies continued I realized I had to get me and my then 1 year old out. My family were happy I had seen the light. I between the bad times it was good and I guess the happy times and being a family made me stick in there and cause I loved him.

 

I went on antidepressants and saw a councilor...I waited 6 months for him to see one like he said he would. My councilor said I needed to make a timeline of how long I would wait, that time past. I pushed myself to date someone else and he made me happy while with him but I wasn't ready.

 

My ex wanted me back then and said he would do the work to change....I didn't mention previously we tried counciling when still together. I still loved him but didn't trust him.

 

He has meet someone new as he says he was forced to move on. I'm still hurting and due to trying to move on when not ready only prolonged the healing/grieving process. He seems happier now like when we first met...I'm upset and after everything still love him...I feel like a fool that can't get over him. He said he has fallen out of love with me but still cares for me....he hugged me the other day and wouldn't let me go holding my hand...is it mind games?

 

Do I need to snap out of it or should I still have hope. I really didn't mean to write this much, I guess I had a lot to get out. I'm trying to just focus on me and my girl, keep fit, I have a good job I have a lot to be greatful for. Thank you

Edited February 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[TaraMaiden2]

Your problem is that you're letting your heart rule your head.

This guy is sadly 'damaged goods' and he makes the problem worse through other things he does.

He has an addictive personality and a dependency. If not on drugs then spending, if not on spending then you....

Your poor heart thinks you can fix him. Your sane head is screaming you can't.

 

You need to cut off all unnecessary emotional contact with him and focus solely and uniquely on his relationship with his daughter.

You haven't elaborated on that situation. You don't say whether he sees her regularly, or provides support, but you have to stop all this emotional fog - hugging, crying, unrealistic expectations and expressions of love - because he has you exactly where he still wants you.

You feed his need, and he's torturing you with his presence.

In order to stop something, you have to stop it.

 

So do the right thing, cut this thing off and just attend to the practicalities of his contact with his child.

Orchestrate his time with her to reduce your involvement and keep it to the bare minimum.

[Monalisa17]

Thank you TaraMaiden you confirmed what I know already but need a push. To really just pull the plug on the emotions and also thinking about what could of been. I have my daughter pretty much full time and he sees her Sundays and she has a overnight at his every second weekend. It is getting easier during the week when I don't see him but when I do it messed with my head. It's funny you mention the thinking with my heart...he brought that up today...he said U should I followed my heart and we could of still been together. I did think with my head and what was best for me and my daughter originally by leaving and trying to move on...my heart does tend to hurt and thinks it can make it all better. Thanks for mentioning that x

[TaraMaiden2]

Read my signature.

(Viktor Frankl was an amazing person.)

 

Consider the space after you receive the stimulus from something your ex- says, does or suggests. Take that moment, that 'space'. Pause. Breathe. Consider.

Consider what your heart says and what your mind says.

Then use Wisdom and discernment, and Compassion - for yourself - to make the right decision.

 

Remember this: Simply because you are faced with a decision, does not mean your response MUST be immediate.

There is no rule that dictates it has to be. If you need time to evaluate whether a response will be to your advantage - or otherwise - take that Time, use that 'space'.

And Choose. Wisely.

[Monalisa17]

Thanks I will def start practicing that and can apply to all situations and people not just him. It is easy to reply without thinking sometimes whether it will really help me anymore more giving my energy and entering into a unessasary dialogue.

[BC1980]

Since you have a child together, he is going to be in your life. So you need to make all interactions completely emotionless. For now, do not discuss anything other than your child. Don't even ask how his day has been. This is for you to take the time to emotionally detach. After 7 years, that will take a long time, but it can be done. I'm really sorry that you still have to see him in any capacity. It makes moving on a lot harder.

[Monalisa17]

Thank you BC1980, yes I will try to keep my contact with him purely about my daughter however it is usually him that asks me how I am, what am I up to and who with etc I know if I tell him its none of his business or let's just keep it about our daughter he will get moody and difficult to deal with. I just need to stick to my guns as its the best thing for me right now.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thank you BC1980, yes I will try to keep my contact with him purely about my daughter however it is usually him that asks me how I am, what am I up to and who with etc I know if I tell him its none of his business or let's just keep it about our daughter he will get moody and difficult to deal with. I just need to stick to my guns as its the best thing for me right now.

 

If he asks you closed-ended questions, reply with one word answers.

How are you today?

Ok.

What are you up to?

Nothing.

Who are you with?

No-one.

 

If he says why can't you talk to me?

Tell him:

"I'm happy to talk to you about your daughter. But everything else is off the table.

I'm getting over us. It's better this way."

 

If he sulks, becomes difficult, moody, testy and hard to deal with - let that be his problem, not yours.

That's his choice. He;'s evaluated the stimulus and not used the space to think things out properly.

So he makes the wrong choice.

See? It works for everyone.

 

His poor choice does not have to be your consequence.

 

Just like the saying:

 

"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine"...

 

....a lack of pleasantness on his part, does not constitute an obligation on yours.

[Monalisa17]

Thanks again for your words they are very helpful. I will be dropping my girl to him on Friday so I can start putting things into practise.

[Monalisa17]

So I just had text from my ex tonight saying 'Hi, you didn't tell me how yr doctors apt went. How did it go?' I told him a few weeks ago I had to get a scan due to stomach pain...this was before I realised how much I still needed to move on and and keep it all about our daughter. So I've been having a good week and his txt has thrown me tonight...should I reply I'm ok. ...or just ignore? I have to drop my daughter to him tomorrow.

[TaraMaiden2]

Ignore.

If he's seeing you tomorrow, tell him then, with as few words, and as little information, as possible.

 

"It went fine, thanks. I'll pick her up at the usual time" (or whatever the arrangement is....).