Venting out

[SethDamien]

Please bear with me as i tell my never ending story. I just want to vent out and hear what you guys can say about my predicament.

 

I've never really said anything about this to anyone before, and something about venting here makes me feel a lot better.

 

so here goes.

 

I grew up in a quite judgmental and pretentious home. I grew up thinking everyone else is selfish and have their own motives. I thought everyone is judging me in whatever i do... I felt that behind every smile hides pretension and perhaps loathing.

My thinking was strengthened when i was bullied intensely back in high school.

 

Throughout my school days, I was unaware of how my upbringing consumed me. It made me hide and do my best to "blend in". I was afraid that if i showed my real self, i would only be ridiculed. I spent my childhood wondering how it was like to be popular, or to be even smart never knowing i was only hindering myself.

It made me lonely, i distanced myself from the very few friends i have and my family who always scorned me in any childish mistake i do. I became afraid of the world

 

I was constantly bullied until I had my first girlfriend back in high school. Ironically, she was one of the "popular kids" in junior high, i was already a senior.

Even though it only lasted 5 months, it boosted my ego and perhaps its my body's way of rewarding happy thoughts --- i became dependent on relationships.

Because my mind yearned for constant partnership, I had 2 girlfriends in college. The first college girlfriend i had was poison. I failed in a lot of subjects. It was full of drama and frustration. But i dumped her as i was going steady with another girl. (i technically cheated a week before i decided to call it quits with her)

My second college girlfriend was a dream. I topped in my thesis and graduated best in my batch because of her. yet I still emotionally (not physically) cheated on her, nonetheless, its still cheating - maybe because of inadequacies i see in myself. She dumped me, and i succumbed to depression following the death of my dad.

 

I was perpetually angry and always fought with my family whom i blamed for almost everything. I blamed my ex for every misfortune that came my way yet also desperately begging her back. (I blamed everyone but myself, and became the kind of person i always hated)

 

Looking back, i never had the time to know myself deeply. I severely regret the choices i made. I always let myself be swayed by external factors - by the people surrounding me, never doing anything for me. I always let other people's criticisms / judgement guide me.

 

Now, i dont blame my family, ex, or anybody else. I am accountable for all the choices i make throughout my life.

I removed my preconceptions about people being manipulative and dishonest.

I genuinely believe people are inherently good.

I've seen many people who'd go out of their way to help others, not for approval but because it is right.

 

I can manage small talk to our office janitor and ask how his kids are. Smile at the check out counter or security guard hoping to brighten their day in my own little way. Im only starting to patch things up with my family and it feels good.

However im still not entirely happy. With all these external positive vibes and optimistic outlook, i still feel empty, lonely, weak. Rationally, i can see the positive side of things, yet internally, im still battling with myself.

 

The only thing that's running in my mind is to have my ex back, or meet someone equal or better than her to compensate my longing for a partner. I should have seen what was coming to me... What i did was severe and unforgivable, and yes, i did deserve the consequences. Perhaps its my guilt that keeps me trapped in this loop. I genuinely want to change myself for the better... i know my actions were wrong and i keep praying as i fear for my own well-being. I dont want to look for a relationship, its not healthy. I want it to arrive in HIS perfect time. But i dont know where or how to start.

[Satu]

Start by being alone for a while, and getting into therapy.

 

Not because there's 'something wrong with you,' but because it will help you get your thoughts and feelings in order.

 

 

Take care.

[SethDamien]

Thank you! Im seriously considering therapy now. But how long is "being alone" for a while?

 

I just keep having these destructive thoughts that i dont deserve love and i dont deserve happiness at all.

[Satu]

Thank you! Im seriously considering therapy now. *But how long is "being alone" for a while?

 

**I just keep having these destructive thoughts that i don't deserve love and i dont deserve happiness at all.

 

*I would say at least a year. That might sound like a long time, but it isn't.

 

**Thats exactly what you need to address in therapy.

 

If you invest that time in yourself, the results will be solid and real.

 

You will have declared your worth to yourself.

 

You will then be able to have more satisfying relationships.

 

Walk forward into the sunshine.

 

 

Take care.

[MissCongeniality]

Thank you! Im seriously considering therapy now. But how long is "being alone" for a while?

 

I just keep having these destructive thoughts that i dont deserve love and i dont deserve happiness at all.

Typically I can't stand being alone if your having self destructive thoughts while alone I suggest not being alone but only being with someone who is emotionally and mentally healthy for you. I have thoughts like that too I try to not listen to them but it's hard to do. You need to find someone anyone who can be there to tell you, that you deserve all sorts of good things.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you! Im seriously considering therapy now. But how long is "being alone" for a while?

 

I just keep having these destructive thoughts that i dont deserve love and i dont deserve happiness at all.

 

Until you feel great about yourself and are genuinely happy on your own without having to rely on anybody else to bring happiness into your life.

 

You're a good person and smart too, insightful and mature.