cheating husband..

[Confu2687]

My Husband and I have been together since I turned 16. We got pregnant young and had a little girl together. I stayed in our hometown while he finished college. After college we moved for him to continue law school. We had another child. We had a beautiful life together.. So I thought. Today he tells me that he needs to tell me some things because he feels as if they are weighing on him and his karma. He flat out tells me that he has been having an emotional relationship for the last year with another student and they kissed and he had sex with another woman twice. He also tells me "in full" disclosure that he had sex with a couple girls in college. I really don't know what to think or do. I am 4 months pregnant and he tells me the day before Valentines Day! I'm really not this girl to be stupid about someone but I felt we were building a great life together and I now feel like it was all a lie and I have STUPID written on my forehead. The thought of him touching me makes me physically sick. I feel as if I could never trust him again but I put myself in a situation to be fully reliant on him. I've been with him since I was 16 and I'm a SAHM. I have nothing for myself. My family lives 24 hours away and I have no friends besides the mothers of my kids friends who I would never talk to about this. I'm just clueless what to do... Besides book a therapy session which I did.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can you clarify the timeline? How long have you now been married? Is this child #2? Is he now practicing law?

 

And why do you think he told you now? Karma aside, there may be another factor.

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this tough situation ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confu2687]

We've been married 3 years.. Together for 7. This is our 3rd child.

 

He was recently hired for a position after graduation. This is his last semester.

 

I can find no other reason besides he felt bad. I thought maybe the girl(s) were going to tell me but nope. So I have no idea.

 

Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Pack up the kids and go to your parents place. You need to be around your loved ones to help support you right now.

 

He's a real piece of work to do this to you and the kids and your unborn baby. He needs counseling to figure out why he risked everything.

 

Was he truly remorseful? Is he willing to get help? Time will tell if he is able to change his ways or is this who he is. A liar, a cheater and can't stay faithful and live up to his vows.

[Confu2687]

Unfortunately, I can't get away. We moved 24 hours away from all my family.

 

I left last night and stayed at a hotel to get away and be alone and cry.

 

I haven't told anyone because frankly, I'm embarrassed. I don't want my family feeling sorry for me. I need a solution. What can I DO? How do I make this better?

 

He says he is. And tells me he's willing to do anything to make this better but I'm just not sure if that's possible! How do I get over the images replaying in my head? How can I ever let him touch me again?

[Qboro90]

My advise would require patience and a long term commitment on your part. Since you are pregnant at the moment, have no friends or family nearby, no job, or degree, your options are limited. You can either get a divorce and rely on his child support/alimony payments to support yourself. Or you can think of a long term plan to become self sufficient.

 

This is why I think all women should grow up and make a point to be independent in a way that they can support themselves and have a life outside of a relationship and a man.

 

I think you should have the baby, stay with your husband but make it clear that you want to go back to school once the initial routine of having a new baby around settles down. A year from now, maybe 2 if you can't bring yourself to do it that quickly... Get back in school. Have your husband pay for it. Start taking classes where you can get a degree in something and have a career. Teaching, Nursing programs. You can do this either at night school or you can send your kids to daycare for a few hours a day or couple days a week while you're in school.

 

Tell your husband if he wants you to stay with him that he needs to do everything in his power to make this possible for you. Whether it's paying the tuition, or staying home to look after the kids, coming home early, etc. If he's against it, then you have a cheating husband who won't support you. Why would you stay with a man like that anyways?

 

Once you finish school then you can get into your job and know that whatever happens, you can make it on your own. That is something everyone should have within themselves. It will also allow you to honestly look at your marriage at that point and decide if staying with him is what you really want, or if it's only because you needed him since you had nothing else and no other options.

[Mr. Lucky]

He flat out tells me that he has been having an emotional relationship for the last year with another student and they kissed and he had sex with another woman twice. He also tells me "in full" disclosure that he had sex with a couple girls in college.

 

Doesn't seem like there's any portion of your relationship where he's been faithful . Not a track record that inspires confidence going forward.

 

The other unfortunate reality is that cheaters rarely offer full disclosure the first time through, a phenomena known as "trickle truth" (unfortunately, infidelity has its own vocabulary). So for every "couple girls" and "another woman" he admits to, there are probably others.

 

I haven't told anyone because frankly, I'm embarrassed. I don't want my family feeling sorry for me.

 

You'll need to get over this, it's a time and a process where you'll need the support of friends and family. Also, "outing" the affair(s) to those around you puts pressure on your H to work on your marriage.

 

He's told you what he's done. Has he told you why he thinks he's done this ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

I had a friend who had three children while going to school. In the middle of it, she and her husband separated because of his abuse and cheating. I remember how difficult it looked when we visited. But she never stopped, earned her Master's and got a teaching position. I admired her determination and organization, courage and perseverance. It can be done.

[Confu2687]

He watches the kids two days a week while I take classes part time. I'm almost done with my associates. He's great with the kids and even pushes me to go to school.

 

I honestly do not think he will stop cheating though. His "reasoning" is he's not been with anyone else the last three years and he just got caught into something new. He says it's the hardest thing in the world to be faithful. There is to much temptation. My husband I have found over the years is the type to like his ego boosted.

 

Has anyone gotten over their husband cheating and it worked? I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle.

[Ladyjane14]

He watches the kids two days a week while I take classes part time. I'm almost done with my associates. He's great with the kids and even pushes me to go to school.

 

I honestly do not think he will stop cheating though. His "reasoning" is he's not been with anyone else the last three years and he just got caught into something new. He says it's the hardest thing in the world to be faithful. There is to much temptation. My husband I have found over the years is the type to like his ego boosted.

 

Has anyone gotten over their husband cheating and it worked? I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle.

 

I doubt he'll stop cheating without intensive therapy. So, if he's telling you he'll do anything, then that's what he needs to do. He's going to have to get down to WHY he needs external sources to boost his ego, as well as WHY fidelity is "the hardest thing in the world". What that's telling you is that he's got no self-control and he's susceptible to flattery.

 

Not a professional, but I'd say underlying self-esteem and anxiety issues.

 

On the plus side, I doubt he'd have told you if either a) he thought someone else would, or b) he's really ready for help.

[sandylee1]

If being faithful is too difficult for him.. then you don't have many options unless you want an open marriage. There will always be temptation..but we need the maturity and integrity not to cheat on those we love.

 

You can't work with him being sorry in one breath. ...but clearly stating it's too difficult to be faithful. Marriage isn't for him...it's not for everyone.....

 

Get tested for Std's.

[turnera]

The ONLY way I can see this ever working out is if he immediately goes into therapy (and you go with him at least the first time to make sure the therapist knows the truth about why he's there), and STAYS in therapy, and you have access to the therapist so you can check on whether the therapist thinks he's making any kind of breakthrough.

 

For you, I get that you're in school, but surely you can at least miss one week to go home and get some support, and then come back and finish the semester. I can't stress enough how important this is going to be for you. And don't be ashamed or afraid to tell your mom. Unless she's abusive, she will want to know and will want to help and support you. Let her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Are you involved in a church? Are there any churches in your area that advertise help for moms?

 

If you go to your school administration (sounds like you attend a junior college) and explain that you have a family emergency....they will most likely work with you so you can miss a few classes. I hate to say this...but in your present frame of mind....any tests or lectures that you miss....probably wont help you right now anyway.

 

Do you have a friend that can record the classes for you...or can you watch the lectures on line?

 

Make an appointment to see your ob doctor...and tell him/her about this. They need to be aware of the stress you are going through right now.

 

Do you have any family members that could come to be with you?

 

I don't believe your husband has ever been committed to your marriage...and it is highly unlikely...that he is going to start now.

 

You need to get a support system in place. Family, friends, ministers, doctors, therapists.

 

I know it is so hard to be logical right now...because you are devastated....and i am so sorry you have to deal with all of this.

 

Think of your babies and yourself first. Worry about HIM later. Your health and safety is the most important thing right now. I know school is very important to you...but your concentration needs to be on your physical and mental health. You have plenty of time to pull everything else together.

[Mrin]

Oh OP I am so sorry.

 

I've been in law school and this last semester is touchy business. Lots of changes ahead for him and for you.

 

I'll give you some hard advice. It is inline with what you got above. The first thing you have to do is realize that right now you're screwed and don't have any real good options. You have no work skills. No education. Soon to be 3 kids and a husband in law school.

 

You've been living your life through him or you as a couple. You need to stop that and start living your life through you. You need to spend the next 3 years in a crash course to improve your position so you can dictate what happens next.

 

1. Stay with your husband. Right now he makes 0. So spousal support is nil. Wait until he establishes a good income. 2 years is what the court wants to see.

 

2. Get your bachelors in something useful. By useful I mean getting a job. Don't care if English lit sets your soul on fire - it won't pay the bills. You are living for you now - and your kids. Look up top degrees to get for good paying jobs out of college. Get one in the next 2-3 years.

 

3. Get in shape if you aren't already. Become a workout nut. First - it will keep your husband from just divorcing you to "upgrade" (very common at this stage of law school btw). It will also improve your emotional state.

 

4. Get an IUD - stop having kids okay?!?

 

5. Make a calendar. 3 years and you can decide if you are going to divorce his ass. 3 years - he has a good salary = good spousal support, you have a bachelors with a good major, you are in shape, and you have the start of a career. You will be way better off than where you are now.

 

Best of luck!

 

Oh p.s. Your husband will only get worse.

[flowergirl14]

Im in your shoes.. sthm for over 10 yrs and a serial cheating husband. What everyone else above has said is true. Get your ducks in a row no matter what...start now. I didnt right away believing h would change. Nope! Counciling for us, me etc. None of it stopped him from continuing to cheat. Or the alternate scenario you believe that you reconcile and some time down the road he cheats again. Start putting your energy into you. Start stashing funds even if its a few dollars a week. Get schooling and a job for yourself. Then at least one part of the problem is solved. Most of all dont trust him. Trust your gut. You know and you said.."I don't think he'll stop cheating." That is the Truth. Also check out chump lady thats a good resource too. Journal, seek out friends, family, and of course the online community here of betrayed spouses!

[jnel921]

He watches the kids two days a week while I take classes part time. I'm almost done with my associates. He's great with the kids and even pushes me to go to school.

 

I honestly do not think he will stop cheating though. His "reasoning" is he's not been with anyone else the last three years and he just got caught into something new. He says it's the hardest thing in the world to be faithful. There is to much temptation. My husband I have found over the years is the type to like his ego boosted.

 

Has anyone gotten over their husband cheating and it worked? I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately this is often the case when kids marry young and are each other's firsts. As you grow older and are exposed to other people you may become attracted or flattered by the attention of others which is new. It's up to the individual to decide whether the bond they have with their S is strong enough to prevent them from wanting to step outside of the M.

 

You are young and you still can move on. You don't ever get over your WS cheating on you. You may resent it down the line as you sacrificed your life to have his children and are only now trying to get through school yourself.

 

You will need your family's help if you go at it alone. Cheating all along during the M is a deal breaker in my opinion. He may feel bad about it, but didn't feel that way all of these years. Perhaps someone was on the brink of exposing their R which is why he needed to confess.

 

This experience should make you stronger. Don't stay with him because he is almost finished with school and now will start his career. You can do that too.

 

Good Luck to you...

[Whoknew30]

I've been with my H since 16 & married him right after my 18th birthday. All the women in my family were also married as teens. It's rough in these situations bc most times someone feels that they missed their "fun time" & often question if kids didn't come would you have really ended up with this person. Being married young is such a trying thing bc it's kids trying to play adult & it really isn't a "normal" situation for our times.

 

My H & I both ended up cheating on each other & we're still together. It took a lot of work & we both were remorseful over it & right now our marriage is better than it's ever been.

 

You're pregnant & pregnacy hormones are enough, ontop of dealing with cheating. What was his reasoning for confessing. Was he sorry or is he using it as an exit A? Is he willing to stop? There are so many factors here. Can you forgive it? If I were you, I'd get into IC right away, since you're alone not being able to talk about it will get to anyone! Then pull him in & get to the bottom of what's going on, then maybe you'll have a clearer picture of what you want your next move to be.

 

Good luck

[Mr. Lucky]

Has anyone gotten over their husband cheating and it worked? I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle.

 

Could interpret your question a couple of ways.

 

If you're talking about getting over the feeling of being betrayed, takes a long time. 3-5 years isn't uncommon and that's with a wandering spouse doing and saying all the right things to rebuild trust. Yours currently is not .

 

If you mean somehow fixing him and turning him into a faithful husband, it's not up to you. To borrow a line from AA, "you didn't cause, you can't control and you won't cure". Your H has some decisions to make, I'd keep him no closer than arms length while he does so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confu2687]

This was all great advice. I really appreciate it.

 

After over hearing a conversation between him and his bff.. I'm sure he didn't come clean because of his "conscious". He told his bff that she no longer had power over him && about the Facebook message I sent her. So it is what it is.

 

I will take the advice of 3 years to get MY life in order.

[aliveagain]

Sounds like he confessed because he was about to be outed. Only married three years and already there are multiple other women, doesn't look too promising. You should talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, maybe get his advice on a post nuptial agreement. Make him get tested for all STD's, the embarrassment of the testing is a future deterrent.

 

I would think very hard about who you grow old with. Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history with him. If he can't even make it through three years without cheating how do you expect him to remain faithful for the rest of your lives?