Overlooking (But not ignoring) my Partners Past

[Wyze]

In a Nutshell : My partner and i recently became engaged, and are very excited about it, but I recently asked some questions to which i realized i didn't want answers to. Earlier in the relationship, the question of sexual partners came up. I threw out a number slightly high than the truth ( i didn't recall my exact number, but my guess was intended to be accurate) and my partner intentionally threw out a number significantly lower than the truth. I claimed 21, but my actual number was 18 including her. She threw out 19. I counted recently and figured i would tell her my actual number was 18. Sh responded asking if she could make a confession. I encouraged her to do so, to which she responded that she didn't know her number, but it was way higher than what she claimed. She estimates between 28-40. She says it isn't not recalling all partners, it just a lack of interest in actually calculating a total. She thinks 40 is bit higher than the truth, but didn't wan to lie and low ball her number. She thinks its most likely between 30-and 35.

 

Disclaimers:

- We met through our twelve step recovery program, and we are both recovering drug addicts (so our pasts can be blurry and have reached some extreme points. Her choice of drugs and friend group was a little more extreme, and her lifestyle definitely was on the crazier end of things than mine.

- We are pretty young to be getting engaged. I am 21 and she is 20

- She is the single mother of a beautiful 4 year old. The father is completely out of the picture with no chance of return.

 

My Dilemma:

I am not so much bothered that my partner intentionally mislead me with her sexual partner number, but the height of her number, and the fact she has no desire to actually narrow down her number does put a knot in my stomach. The conversation that followed wasn't angry or sad or anything, but the dialogue had a tone along the lines of me being concerned and almost confused, and her bouncing between shame, and just being honest. This whole thing is far from a deal breaker, but its been hard to let go for the past two days, so i figured i would go somewhere anonymous for a neutral opinion.

 

A little extra info:

My fiance and i both have some serious trust issues from past relationships during our active addiction. She was constantly and repeatedly burned, and never experienced healthy relationships with boyfriends, friends, or family. Her childhood was extremely dysfunctional as well. She is a very emotionally reactive person who has strong reactions that are based on emotion. Her trust issues come out in emotionally violent ways, and lack much focus or reason. In that way her jealousy and emotions are very spiratic with extreme highs and lows.

My upbringing was much more stable, and my trust issues in the relationship department come from my only other long term relationship that showed any promising future. The girl i was seeing started seeing my best friend behind my back from the day i introduced them to each other, and were secretly together for a year of the year and a half long relationship. So my relationship trust issues are a more low grade mellow concern of my partner being faithful. (finding out the number of my fiance didn't help this)

My fiance praises me on my ability to remain calm, and act with reason and tact. I don't engage in fights much, but wait until i know healthy reasonable solutions are going to be the outcome. We balance each other out pretty well.

 

I have always held sex to be pretty important, and saw it as a deep emotional factor. Even if the person you are having sex with inst a partner or anything like that, i know that emotions and feelings can be impacted and influenced a lot by sex even if it is 'no strings attached'. My fiance never thinks of it that way, and thought having sex was just a roll in the hay, and never payed attention to her emotions or the other persons involving sexual relations. Basically i hold sex to be important, and a powerful factor in ones moral on relationships. And my fiance loves sex, but thinks little of it.

 

My questions:

-How do I overcome the knot in my stomach that im living with since she was more candid about her sexual past?

-Would it be rude to ask her to investigate her actual number? she said she would if i really wanted her to, but she didn't want to.

-Is her number pretty high for her age, or am i just dramatic?

 

 

PLEASE:

At face value this may look like a nasty relationship, but I DID NOT write this looking to be talked out of it, or to have my decision to propose speculated on. We are having a great time and building a great foundation for out futures. I would appreciate all comments staying focused on the questions at hand and anything to help me over come my issues on the topics above. I love this woman with all of my heart, and trust her, but i still cant help the feelings and sensations that arise at times. Please keep comments focused on solutions related to the issues i expanded on. Thank you everybody. And I apologize for the parenthetical overkill and any gramattical or spelling errors. ;)

[d0nnivain]

You two have been through a lot individually. You know very well that a huge contributing factor in her # is her substance abuse.

 

 

Find a way to compartmentalize her past with the woman you know now. The addict did those things, not the woman you love. Judge her based on who she is now with you: sober.

 

 

Think about things like forgiveness & second chances. Go back over your own 12 steps. If I understand the process one of the steps calls for you to make amends. Think about the worst thing you did & what you needed to do make amends. Think about how much better you felt when you atoned for what happened. Now don't you think the woman you love deserves the same measure of kindness & forgiveness?

 

 

Perhaps a long engagement with some pre-marital counseling is also in order.

Edited February 15, 2016 by d0nnivain

[Wyze]

Thank you so much. Your understanding and appreciation for the twelve steps really gave me some comfort. We do have a very long engagement ahead of us. But what you said was very on point and helpful. Thank you very very very much. Instantly i feel significantly better.

[road]

You two have been through a lot individually. You know very well that a huge contributing factor in her # is her substance abuse.

 

 

Find a way to compartmentalize her past with the woman you know now. The addict did those things, not the woman you love. Judge her based on who she is now with you: sober.

 

 

Think about things like forgiveness & second chances. Go back over your own 12 steps. If I understand the process one of the steps calls for you to make amends. Think about the worst thing you did & what you needed to do make amends. Think about how much better you felt when you atoned for what happened. Now don't you think the woman you love deserves the same measure of kindness & forgiveness?

 

 

Perhaps a long engagement with some pre-marital counseling is also in order.

 

 

To make her recall her past to know whether it was 30, 39, 40 is not good for her. I am sure she regrets her decision to have such a high number. And she is trying to let these memories fade which is the healthy thing to do. And, now so should you.

 

 

Though for your age your number is on the high side as well.

 

 

Be happy you found each other and have turned your lives around. You both sound like keepers. Good luck.

[Space Ritual]

In a Nutshell : My partner and i recently became engaged, and are very excited about it, but I recently asked some questions to which i realized i didn't want answers to. Earlier in the relationship, the question of sexual partners came up. I threw out a number slightly high than the truth ( i didn't recall my exact number, but my guess was intended to be accurate) and my partner intentionally threw out a number significantly lower than the truth. I claimed 21, but my actual number was 18 including her. She threw out 19. I counted recently and figured i would tell her my actual number was 18. Sh responded asking if she could make a confession. I encouraged her to do so, to which she responded that she didn't know her number, but it was way higher than what she claimed. She estimates between 28-40. She says it isn't not recalling all partners, it just a lack of interest in actually calculating a total. She thinks 40 is bit higher than the truth, but didn't wan to lie and low ball her number. She thinks its most likely between 30-and 35.

 

Disclaimers:

- We met through our twelve step recovery program, and we are both recovering drug addicts (so our pasts can be blurry and have reached some extreme points. Her choice of drugs and friend group was a little more extreme, and her lifestyle definitely was on the crazier end of things than mine.

- We are pretty young to be getting engaged. I am 21 and she is 20

- She is the single mother of a beautiful 4 year old. The father is completely out of the picture with no chance of return.

 

My Dilemma:

I am not so much bothered that my partner intentionally mislead me with her sexual partner number, but the height of her number, and the fact she has no desire to actually narrow down her number does put a knot in my stomach. The conversation that followed wasn't angry or sad or anything, but the dialogue had a tone along the lines of me being concerned and almost confused, and her bouncing between shame, and just being honest. This whole thing is far from a deal breaker, but its been hard to let go for the past two days, so i figured i would go somewhere anonymous for a neutral opinion.

 

A little extra info:

My fiance and i both have some serious trust issues from past relationships during our active addiction. She was constantly and repeatedly burned, and never experienced healthy relationships with boyfriends, friends, or family. Her childhood was extremely dysfunctional as well. She is a very emotionally reactive person who has strong reactions that are based on emotion. Her trust issues come out in emotionally violent ways, and lack much focus or reason. In that way her jealousy and emotions are very spiratic with extreme highs and lows.

My upbringing was much more stable, and my trust issues in the relationship department come from my only other long term relationship that showed any promising future. The girl i was seeing started seeing my best friend behind my back from the day i introduced them to each other, and were secretly together for a year of the year and a half long relationship. So my relationship trust issues are a more low grade mellow concern of my partner being faithful. (finding out the number of my fiance didn't help this)

My fiance praises me on my ability to remain calm, and act with reason and tact. I don't engage in fights much, but wait until i know healthy reasonable solutions are going to be the outcome. We balance each other out pretty well.

 

I have always held sex to be pretty important, and saw it as a deep emotional factor. Even if the person you are having sex with inst a partner or anything like that, i know that emotions and feelings can be impacted and influenced a lot by sex even if it is 'no strings attached'. My fiance never thinks of it that way, and thought having sex was just a roll in the hay, and never payed attention to her emotions or the other persons involving sexual relations. Basically i hold sex to be important, and a powerful factor in ones moral on relationships. And my fiance loves sex, but thinks little of it.

 

My questions:

-How do I overcome the knot in my stomach that im living with since she was more candid about her sexual past?

-Would it be rude to ask her to investigate her actual number? she said she would if i really wanted her to, but she didn't want to.

-Is her number pretty high for her age, or am i just dramatic?

 

 

PLEASE:

At face value this may look like a nasty relationship, but I DID NOT write this looking to be talked out of it, or to have my decision to propose speculated on. We are having a great time and building a great foundation for out futures. I would appreciate all comments staying focused on the questions at hand and anything to help me over come my issues on the topics above. I love this woman with all of my heart, and trust her, but i still cant help the feelings and sensations that arise at times. Please keep comments focused on solutions related to the issues i expanded on. Thank you everybody. And I apologize for the parenthetical overkill and any gramattical or spelling errors. ;)

 

Hey Wyze.

 

I am a recovering addict/alcoholic myself. Coming up on 21 years clean and sober. and no I won't try to change your mind...

 

So the number is bothering you of course that's understandable. Of course although you would appreciate comments being focused on the issue at hand, understand that just like with recovery, there are going to be some things you need to hear as opposed to what you want to hear. That's just the risk you run floating questions out there for the Normies. So just be forewarned that some of the answers you may get may make your hair stand on end but you are in kind of a unique situation. One that I never had the stomach for but if you two can pull it off, then that would be a great accomplishment.

 

First off, you may be in love, but being in love with someone in recovery while being in recovery yourself is far different than what most people are going to be able wrap their heads around. I think you should probably take it in the context of her having so many partners at young age when she was using. She was embarrassed to tell you of course but you actually have an opening for further introspection with her as far as helping each other. You probably both need to dos some inventory taking right now and see the partner amount in the context of it being part of what she USED TO BE, not who she is now.

 

I know its a hard thing to cope with, especially when your coping skills in the past have been suspect at best.

 

When I was going to 12 step meetings I never dated anyone from them because I was always scared I would fall into the trap of reverting back in to a Knight In Shining Armor complex. It's always a real possibility out of many of the complications of dating people like us. lol

 

I would actually suggest you bring this up with your sponsor, and for a little while, unless it is necessary, if you two are going to the same meetings, go to different ones apart form each other. You may feel more free to speak at a meeting where she isn;t at and get some more insight from some people at meetings who have also dated fellow recoverings and the pitfalls that come with that.

[drifter777]

My questions:

-How do I overcome the knot in my stomach that im living with since she was more candid about her sexual past?

-Would it be rude to ask her to investigate her actual number? she said she would if i really wanted her to, but she didn't want to.

-Is her number pretty high for her age, or am i just dramatic?

 

• You won't get over it. If you could then it wouldn't have bothered you in the first place.
  

 

 

• If she investigates the actual number it is going to go up. It always does. She considers "sex" different than you do. Like a blowjob is not sex. And of course giving a handjob or getting fingered is not sex. Maybe this isn't true in her case but it is in nearly ALL cases when a female calculates her "number".
  

 

 

• In my opinion - and it's just me - yes, her number if very high. She's been sexually active for 4 years and in that time she was pregnant and had a baby and she has been in a committed relationship with you. That leaves not much time for the 40 other guys that she admits to. Like 1 or 2 per month. Like I said, to me that's a high number.
  

 

You say you want no advice on your relationship with her. So, don't take any of the answers I gave to your questions as advice.