7 year marriage broke down

[mx52]

I (35m) have been with my wife(33f) for 14 years and been married for 7. I have never been jealous or controlling always treated her with respect and worked hard fixing up our house. We have two kids, 6 and 3, a labrador and full time jobs, mine 9-5 hers different shift patterns every week. things got a bit boring between us after kids came along. not much effort by me to fix things and if im honest started feeling trapped and unloved/unappreciated, which helped feed a bout of depression for a couple of years.

 

I noticed a change in her feelings toward me she went very cold. I asked her about it but she said nothing was wrong. It coincides with a work night out. One day not long after I was on our laptop and I came across google searches on things like. cheating without feeling guilty, kissed another man but married with kids, fancy other men and finally the name of a work colleague I'd never heard of and who she had just become friends with on Facebook and attended the work night out with. I confronted her and she denied any wrong doing and then told me she needed space. I couldnt leave it like that and kept trying to talk about the situation but she said I was smothering her. I left it a few days and tried my best to leave her alone and give her space. Then one day she went on a night out. I wasnt proud of what I did and I let my curiosity take over, she came in drunk and went to bed. I got her phone and saw messages to a friend saying how gutted she was that the bloke she met had started ignoring her and that she needed her friend to find her someone single for "fun", who obliged by linking a facebook friend who my wife messaged saying that his friend said he was a nice bloke. At that point (4am) I had to get away and went to my sisters. I stayed their for a week with nothing but denial of any wrong doing from my wife and have since moved out and took all my stuff. Its been about 2 months now.

 

She has started to say how ashamed she was of the messages and how she is scared of being alone and I really feel sorry for her and I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have strong feelings for her. but when I asked her if she could ever see us back together she says she thinks too much has happened (she wont elaborate on this). I'm having a hard time with it all and worry about the kids more than anything, we have told them mummy and daddy are still best friends and that by having two houses we could be even better friends (we are keeping things very amicable) I just don't know how I'm going to cope if she starts something with another man. She has said she doesn't want anyone and that she would never let another man in her heart, she also said that she realises I'm the best partner she would ever have but that she knows she has betrayed me by fancying other men and acting on it.

 

My friends say I'm better off without her but I feel so alone without her and could never see myself with another person. I just need some advice on how to get over it I guess. Sorry its such a long post and sorry if it doesn't make sense I'm not the best at story telling anyway thanks for your time.

[PegNosePete]

Hello mx,

Sorry for your situation. The first thing you need to realize is that your wife has been lying to your face for a long, long time now. You know 100% that she has been cheating on you. Not just some texting/messages but she has been having a physical affair. I guarantee this 100%. So what you need to decide first, is do you want to repair the marriage?

 

If infidelity is a deal-breaker to you, then you need to end the marriage and separate your lives as painlessly as possible.

 

If you want to fix the marriage and take your wife back, you need to make sure she is also 100% committed to that. If she isn't then it's doomed to failure. You need to sit her down and tell her that if she doesn't tell you everything, immediately, then you will divorce her tomorrow. You know 100% that she has not told you even the tip of the iceberg yet. No need to mention how you know your info or snooping, that's irrelevant to her cheating. Just say you KNOW she is lying to you. Likely you will get what's called trickle truth (google that). Keep repeating your demands for the truth until she comes clean. If she never comes clean, then there is no hope for reconciliation and you'll have to file for divorce. If she does come clean then there's still hope, although it's still a long road...

 

Basically you have to take no sh*t. Don't fall for this needing space rubbish. Space does not fix a marriage, it creates bigger gaps. The reason she wants space is so she can call and text her new guy without you peering over her shoulder. You should get back into your home as soon as possible. If you don't, it could go against you later...

Edited February 15, 2016 by PegNosePete

[mx52]

thanks pete, I asked her if she could ever see us back together and she's told me that no she doesn't think so because too much has happened whatever that means. I've asked her about 5 separate times to tell me exactly what has gone on and she always says something along the lines of please stop i was just getting sorted and you've brought it all back for me. She will never ever tell me what's gone on I know now. I've actually got a settlement on the house she is paying me so I can afford to buy a new house for me and the kids (we are split equally on childcare). That's about to complete I literally marched us to the bank the Monday after all this came out and started the ball rolling. I'm not wasting money renting. I'm about to complete on a house a friend is selling this next month as soon as my mortgage goes through.

 

I'm just having real difficulty sorting out my feelings for her which I still have. We've been through so much over our 14 year relationship and I was absolutely convinced we'd be sat watching tele on our rocking chairs in 50 years time and it just feels like its been stolen from me.

[Summer3]

I (35m) have been with my wife(33f) for 14 years and been married for 7. I have never been jealous or controlling always treated her with respect and worked hard fixing up our house. We have two kids, 6 and 3, a labrador and full time jobs, mine 9-5 hers different shift patterns every week. things got a bit boring between us after kids came along. not much effort by me to fix things and if im honest started feeling trapped and unloved/unappreciated, which helped feed a bout of depression for a couple of years.

 

I noticed a change in her feelings toward me she went very cold. I asked her about it but she said nothing was wrong. It coincides with a work night out. One day not long after I was on our laptop and I came across google searches on things like. cheating without feeling guilty, kissed another man but married with kids, fancy other men and finally the name of a work colleague I'd never heard of and who she had just become friends with on Facebook and attended the work night out with. I confronted her and she denied any wrong doing and then told me she needed space. I couldnt leave it like that and kept trying to talk about the situation but she said I was smothering her. I left it a few days and tried my best to leave her alone and give her space. Then one day she went on a night out. I wasnt proud of what I did and I let my curiosity take over, she came in drunk and went to bed. I got her phone and saw messages to a friend saying how gutted she was that the bloke she met had started ignoring her and that she needed her friend to find her someone single for "fun", who obliged by linking a facebook friend who my wife messaged saying that his friend said he was a nice bloke. At that point (4am) I had to get away and went to my sisters. I stayed their for a week with nothing but denial of any wrong doing from my wife and have since moved out and took all my stuff. Its been about 2 months now.

 

She has started to say how ashamed she was of the messages and how she is scared of being alone and I really feel sorry for her and I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have strong feelings for her. but when I asked her if she could ever see us back together she says she thinks too much has happened (she wont elaborate on this). I'm having a hard time with it all and worry about the kids more than anything, we have told them mummy and daddy are still best friends and that by having two houses we could be even better friends (we are keeping things very amicable) I just don't know how I'm going to cope if she starts something with another man. She has said she doesn't want anyone and that she would never let another man in her heart, she also said that she realises I'm the best partner she would ever have but that she knows she has betrayed me by fancying other men and acting on it.

 

My friends say I'm better off without her but I feel so alone without her and could never see myself with another person. I just need some advice on how to get over it I guess. Sorry its such a long post and sorry if it doesn't make sense I'm not the best at story telling anyway thanks for your time.

 

It sounds like you both let the marriage fall apart. Go to MC and see if you can fix it. If you both want to make changes and fight for your marriage you'll stay together.

[mx52]

yes most definitely we just plodded on with a boring relationship and made no effort for each other our relationship was without doubt a broken one. It all came to a head this last christmas and we we're about to attend MC but I had found out about the infidelity and it killed my trust for her, after 14 years of trusting without question I suddenly found myself comparing her to her brother (a compulsive liar) and not believing a word that came out of her mouth and I don't think I'd ever get that back.

[PegNosePete]

I've asked her about 5 separate times to tell me exactly what has gone on and she always says something along the lines of please stop i was just getting sorted and you've brought it all back for me.

In other words: "I don't want to tell you". From that, I'm afraid, you can safely assume the worst.

 

She will never ever tell me what's gone on I know now.

Then I'm afraid there is no alternative than divorce. You could try one last-ditch time I guess. Tell me what's going on or I'll divorce you tomorrow. But she seems happy for that to go ahead anyway so I wouldn't hold much hope for it working.

 

Make sure to formalize your financial decisions properly as part of the divorce proceedings. You should certainly consult a lawyer before buying or selling any property! You can get free half hours at many lawyers so it really makes no sense to not do so.

[whichwayisup]

yes most definitely we just plodded on with a boring relationship and made no effort for each other our relationship was without doubt a broken one. It all came to a head this last christmas and we we're about to attend MC but I had found out about the infidelity and it killed my trust for her, after 14 years of trusting without question I suddenly found myself comparing her to her brother (a compulsive liar) and not believing a word that came out of her mouth and I don't think I'd ever get that back.

 

You two should go back to marriage counseling and also find out who this other guy is and talk to him. She is ashamed and not ready to admit what she's done in detail, hence the throwing in the towel without seeing if you'll give her that second chance.

[Brady375]

Given your situation and how you both do still feel about one another I would go to a marriage counselor and discuss all of this with them. Reason being is due to the loss of trust and suspicion you have I think it will be extremely difficult to have any kind of Productive conversation between Just the two of you. W a third person there it could help a lot and could help you sort through this stuff. If you offer to do this and she refuses then you could try discussing things wo it but I think the emotions that are involved could get the best of u. Good luck.

[Zoe5.5]

I (35m) have been with my wife(33f) for 14 years and been married for 7. I have never been jealous or controlling always treated her with respect and worked hard fixing up our house. We have two kids, 6 and 3, a labrador and full time jobs, mine 9-5 hers different shift patterns every week. things got a bit boring between us after kids came along. not much effort by me to fix things and if im honest started feeling trapped and unloved/unappreciated, which helped feed a bout of depression for a couple of years.

 

I noticed a change in her feelings toward me she went very cold. I asked her about it but she said nothing was wrong. It coincides with a work night out. One day not long after I was on our laptop and I came across google searches on things like. cheating without feeling guilty, kissed another man but married with kids, fancy other men and finally the name of a work colleague I'd never heard of and who she had just become friends with on Facebook and attended the work night out with. I confronted her and she denied any wrong doing and then told me she needed space. I couldnt leave it like that and kept trying to talk about the situation but she said I was smothering her. I left it a few days and tried my best to leave her alone and give her space. Then one day she went on a night out. I wasnt proud of what I did and I let my curiosity take over, she came in drunk and went to bed. I got her phone and saw messages to a friend saying how gutted she was that the bloke she met had started ignoring her and that she needed her friend to find her someone single for "fun", who obliged by linking a facebook friend who my wife messaged saying that his friend said he was a nice bloke. At that point (4am) I had to get away and went to my sisters. I stayed their for a week with nothing but denial of any wrong doing from my wife and have since moved out and took all my stuff. Its been about 2 months now.

 

She has started to say how ashamed she was of the messages and how she is scared of being alone and I really feel sorry for her and I'd be lying if I said I didn't still have strong feelings for her. but when I asked her if she could ever see us back together she says she thinks too much has happened (she wont elaborate on this). I'm having a hard time with it all and worry about the kids more than anything, we have told them mummy and daddy are still best friends and that by having two houses we could be even better friends (we are keeping things very amicable) I just don't know how I'm going to cope if she starts something with another man. She has said she doesn't want anyone and that she would never let another man in her heart, she also said that she realises I'm the best partner she would ever have but that she knows she has betrayed me by fancying other men and acting on it.

 

My friends say I'm better off without her but I feel so alone without her and could never see myself with another person. I just need some advice on how to get over it I guess. Sorry its such a long post and sorry if it doesn't make sense I'm not the best at story telling anyway thanks for your time.

 

 

 

Hello and Good Day Sir,

May I say I come from a broken home as an only child years ago. When I was in my 20s and to this day 23 years later and married with no kids , this still carries a deep impact in my heart. I will not go into details of what happened , but please trust me basically this is almost the same tory only in my dad being the one to cheat and leave rather than try stay and work on it.

 

 

May I encourage you to know that Love is patient , love is kind, Love does not parade itself , is not puffed up ( easily angered ) , does not behave rudely , does not seek its own, is not provoked , thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity.....

 

 

Now lets see what Love can do for you or anyone whom are willing to follow love ... Love rejoices in the truth, love bears "ALL" things , Love believes all things , love hopes all things , love endures all things,

 

 

But the most important part of love to see how true the love in a marriage and or any relationship is ; is to see the truth about love over all and that is ---- " Love Never Fails".

 

 

May I encourage you to show love to your wife regardless of the wrong she may have done and the shame that she feels and is allowing her to leave you, through the uncompromising power of Forgiveness and grace. Grace is to simply give to another what he or she does not deserve. I have also done this for my parents and it is what has helped me these past 23 years to move on with my life and my wife and be able to have a relationship among them. I am sure if you were to encourage her to meet with you at a favorite place maybe even go back to the first place you each met one another for neutral territory, if that is an option , and hangout and begin to open up and see if there would be any chance to resolve the issue at hand and start the relationship over for the sake of the marriage and that of your children.

 

 

I hope you find sincere comfort and encouragement in this response . Thank you for your time , and have a beautiful day.

[Mr. Lucky]

t I've asked her about 5 separate times to tell me exactly what has gone on and she always says something along the lines of please stop i was just getting sorted and you've brought it all back for me. She will never ever tell me what's gone on I know now.

 

mx52, let's say you took your wife back and forgave the obvious cheating that has occurred.

 

Your wife has given you no assurance that the same thing wouldn't happen again. She hasn't done any of the hard work to understand why she turned to another man instead of you. And she's not indicated whether she's even gone NC with her current AP's.

 

In other words, as badly as you feel now, you'd be guaranteeing you'd feel worse in the future. Doesn't sound like progress to me.

 

Stay strong, keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mx52]

I had a long talk to her about my feelings for her but she isn't willing to admit any wrong doing she has said she doesn't want to be with me anymore and that a weight has lifted off her shoulders. I know now after some more digging that she had left me in early December but just hadn't bothered telling me. She was probably testing the water with these other men and never thought I'd find out. It hurts like hell but I know I'm going to be better off without her in the long run. The worst thing is I wanted to be friends for the kids sake but the betrayal and coldness she showed me makes it nearly impossible. To top it all off I've got a holiday booked in may with her my kids and her friend, friends husband and their two kids. I've promised my six year old I'll go but I couldn't face being with her for so long but on the other hand I don't want to break a promise to my girl that might destroy our relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

6-year olds are flexible, take her somewhere else with just the two of you.

 

No way would I vacation with my wife under those circumstances...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mx52]

Finally had some honesty from her. We've both agreed we'll never be together again and she has even admitted to meeting someone, I thought I'd be angry and at first I was but it didn't feel like real anger just a kind of put on anger to try and make myself out to be hurt, our marriage was probably heading for divorce anyway, neither of us were making each other happy and neither of us were willing to properly give it a try to make it work if I'm honest about it. Anyway when she told me I was relieved more than anything and although it was hard to hear I can now move on properly with my life even being amicable with her ( i was struggling with this before due to her dishonesty) she said that her new "friend" said he wouldn't be surprised if I walked in a punched him at his place of work but that's not me and so I messaged him on fb and told him not to be worrying about me doing something stupid like that and that me and my ex were just that and we're never getting back together. I felt I had to say this to him to further cement the fact that I'm moving on with my life and not bothered about what my ex wife is getting up to in her private life.

[Mr. Lucky]

Anyway when she told me I was relieved more than anything and although it was hard to hear I can now move on properly with my life even being amicable with her

 

Well at least now you know. And you seem aware enough to understand you're getting very partial truth from her, she''ll probably never come completely clean. So be it.

 

There's a very good chance at some point she'll show back up at your door, claiming it all was a mistake. What will you do when that happens ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[mx52]

I don't know how I'd word it right now if that ever happened. What I do know is that I would never in a million years let her back into my life that way. We're over and as far as I'm concerned it's for good