What does a frustrated old codger do?

[NessunoDorma]

Male, 60's, 4 adult kids, married 40+ years the last 20 or so were celibate by Kinsey criteria: < 5 times p.a.

 

 

Why tolerate it? My last child arrived when I was 44 & unlike her siblings was the epitome of holy terrors. Name a problem & I'll say BTDT & show you the blood stained T-shirt. She was also the one most strongly attached to her dad.

 

 

Apart from tension about the paltry amount of sex, the marriage was conflict free except for my short EA in my late 50's with a much younger divorcee. Exposure & threats to blow up the family led to MC where I was persuaded that a crappy sex life is chicken manure compared to the eternal agony of watching a difficult child become a dysfunctional adult. The MC had all the stats showing that's what happens to them with parental instability. So I just sucked it up.

 

 

The holy terror has now matured into a consummate professional like her siblings. Honestly, I nearly burst with pride when I think of them & compare them with the train wrecks that are some of the kids of our peers. I wont take all the credit; my wife has been the foundation of the family & the glue that held it together.

 

So! Here I am flushed with success but damn bitter at being sexually short changed for 2 decades. I have but a handful of years to make up for it.

 

 

Well of course we've discussed it! She acknowledges the problem but all I get is a shrug of the shoulders & a statement that "It is what it is. The rest of it makes up for that."

 

 

Frankly, I'm thinking that's not good enough. I've never heard of someone on their deathbed say: "I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life having sex."

 

 

I fear I may be outside the age spectrum for LS gurus but I'm keen to read what you have to say.

[waterwoman]

. I've never heard of someone on their deathbed say: "I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life having sex."

 

 

 

No, but you will have heard of many people who say 'I wish I hadn't blown up my marriage with an affair, I wish I hadn't hurt people I care about, I wish O'd fixed my problems or left the marriage before finding someone else....etc'

 

 

She knows you aren't happy but does she know how serious you are about it? The solution lies in your hands - you tell her that it's not good enough and you are prepared to leave over it. Then follow through and find a new life with more sex. You can't expect things to change if you aren't prepared to change them.

[GorillaTheater]

I agree that affairs are never the answer, regardless of what the question is.

 

 

But the older I get, the more I realize that it's never too late for much of anything, including a new relationship. I've been married 32 years, but all I have to do is look around my circle of friends to see that. But most of them are survivors of infidelity, and spent a varying number of years overcoming the destruction left in the aftermath. Another reason why I could never recommend subjecting anybody to that kind of pain.

 

 

So, yes, I think divorce is an option. I'd like to see you, however, do everything you reasonably can to save the marriage first. There's only so much one person in a marriage can do in that regard, and those efforts are likely doomed to failure if the other person doesn't pull their weight in the process, but personally I'd need to know that I did everything I could before hitting the eject button.

 

 

One place to start may be marriage counseling for you both. That, and open communication with any anger or resentment set aside.

[d0nnivain]

I'd have another talk with your wife. The gist of the conversation being we did it your way for the sake of the kids. They are now out of the house & successful. I need sex or I'm gone too.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Remember the only thing you can control is you. . .

 

There is not any amount of prodding your wife that will motivate her.

 

I assume you are not interesting in a affair (bad idea, just look around here). And would only resort to a divorce as an absolute last resort.

 

You have invested an incredible amount of time already. . .

 

I would start working out (or working out more), spend an greater amount of time away from your wife (could be doing anything from volunteering your time to hanging out with male friends, as long as it is overall healthy and not jeopardizing, on any level, your marriage). Dress sharper (that could mean anything from new slacks or dressier shirts, to new shoes, or bold boxers, etc). Golf more, or even just going for a long drive on your own!

 

All this will, at a minimum, have her wondering what is up, if not at least asking questions. . . She could even begin to accuse you of having an affair. . who knows. Be honest with her. You want to focus on you and improve your self-confidence and enjoy your time!

 

The goal is to re-engage her interest in you, in that way.

 

The rest of it, depending on your point of view is truly just luck, or a very precise science. . . I would say, even with the same senarios, and the same people, it could be either. But she has to want to be your source of joy, and the best part about it is that she will likely enjoy it too. . .

 

It may seem like an awful lot of investment to get to where you want, but it's actually an investment in you.

 

Lastly try some of these materials (but not until she wants to be part of it too): http://www.amazon.com/Laura-Corn/e/B000APSPGG/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1

[NessunoDorma]

Many thanks for the spot on replies.

 

 

ALL are valuable but waterwoman wins the cigar by a gnat's whisker!

 

 

No,she doesn't realise how serious I am now that the nest is well & truly empty. She probably thinks it's the same old same old.

 

 

Yes, I have got a bit out of shape and I need to get busy. Yes, I get around in clothes that the Salvation Army should have got years ago.

 

 

An affair?? No way! My EA showed what an emotional cluster-**** that would be, plus, I would not have what I have today without her input. I may be a randy old bugger but I'm not a prick.

 

 

Let's see how I go.

 

 

As the Aussie cricket team said as they pointed at Dennis Lillee's balding head: "Watch this space!"

[b-Shock]

Many thanks for the spot on replies.

 

 

ALL are valuable but waterwoman wins the cigar by a gnat's whisker!

 

 

No,she doesn't realise how serious I am now that the nest is well & truly empty. She probably thinks it's the same old same old.

 

 

Yes, I have got a bit out of shape and I need to get busy. Yes, I get around in clothes that the Salvation Army should have got years ago.

 

 

An affair?? No way! My EA showed what an emotional cluster-**** that would be, plus, I would not have what I have today without her input. I may be a randy old bugger but I'm not a prick.

 

 

Let's see how I go.

 

 

As the Aussie cricket team said as they pointed at Dennis Lillee's balding head: "Watch this space!"

 

Best of luck to you, Aussie. Divorce is a horrible, horrible thing. I pray you and your bride can avoid it.

 

MC should help determine if there is a physical problem or psychological/emotional issues. Hang in there.

[dreamingoftigers]

Finally a dude not trying to fu*k his way out of a cardboard box without trying to just lift the flap first!

[NessunoDorma]

Finally a dude not trying to fu*k his way out of a cardboard box without trying to just lift the flap first!

 

 

 

Well stone the bloody crows!

 

 

That comment is the proverbial duck's nuts!

 

 

Grazie, bella!

[basil67]

If your wife would prefer to address the libido problem rather than divorce, I can highly recommend a book by Dr Rosie King called 'Where Did My Libido Go?"

 

One thing which your wife may struggle with is menopause - It did a real number on my libido. I'm determined to not give in, but I'd be lying if I said it's what it used to be. And vaginal dryness is a thing - so don't feel bad about having to use heaps of lube if she's up for it.

[Mr. Lucky]

She knows you aren't happy but does she know how serious you are about it? The solution lies in your hands - you tell her that it's not good enough and you are prepared to leave over it. Then follow through and find a new life with more sex. You can't expect things to change if you aren't prepared to change them.

 

You can't be bluffing when you talk to her so answer this first - are you really and truly prepared to leave if she won't engage you sexually ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Popsicle]

If you had had sex more often, you probably would have had 12 kids.

[bathtub-row]

My son is a child of divorce and he's perfectly balanced and normal. Divorce isn't what screws kids up. It's the pathetic and vengeful behavior that the adults dish out that does it.

 

Ok. Having said that, either get a divorce and go your merry way - or just blatantly cheat on her and see how she likes that. You can say, "It is what it is. My years of celibacy more than makes up for it, f--k you very much."

[Khyla]

my boyfriend had been married 27 years. unlike you, no kids. no sex for 7 of them. His wife was no longer interested in sex after he had stuck by her through cancer treatments and surgeries. He tried to explain he had needs, Even though she did not want a divorce when he told her he was going to have to resort to finding what he needed elsewhere, she basically said go ahead then. Apparently she was calling his bluff though, because when she found out he was "visiting" with someone from their church, she exploded and handed him divorce papers which he refused to sign because it awarded her everything. Since their finances are so intertwined, especially their house, they still live in it but it's large enough they can keep their lives separate from each other, Also, they both still have jobs and usually are not home at the same time anyway. ~My husband died and i needed a companion badly, but not looking to get married again. Even though we are 2 hours away from each other and he has a local job he is vested in, he comes to see me every weekend and we go on vacations together. We have been the answer to each others' problems, and I am very happy with the way things are right now.

[dreamingoftigers]

My son is a child of divorce and he's perfectly balanced and normal. Divorce isn't what screws kids up. It's the pathetic and vengeful behavior that the adults dish out that does it.

 

Ok. Having said that, either get a divorce and go your merry way - or just blatantly cheat on her and see how she likes that. You can say, "It is what it is. My years of celibacy more than makes up for it, f--k you very much."

 

So he picks the " be functional, review this with wife, try MC, save the family unit route"

 

And you are busting his ass about it?

 

Did I completely misread that? Are you actually recommending just tosssing her or screwing around without a real chance at anything else?

[soleilesquire]

I too say it's time to lay the cards on the table.

 

Menopause doesn't lat 20 years. This is pure neglect.

[dreamingoftigers]

I too say it's time to lay the cards on the table.

 

Menopause doesn't lat 20 years. This is pure neglect.

 

Someone never met my Mother-In-Law........

[dichotomy]

I am sorry for this loss in your marriage all these years. It's awful.

 

It maybe an easy decision, or not at your age. Yes the kids are out and you were an amazing parent. Congrats - on your death bed I think this (loving parent and kids and maybe grand kids) may be on your mind and not sex, but that's just my thought.

 

Items that come to mind for consideration that may or may not be relevant.

 

- Just how much sex you going to have if you divorce. Yes I know more than you have been having - but how much more? Really- think about that with women who are 50 or 60 something (unless you "go all RobertZ sugar daddy" on us with 20 something escorts)

 

- How much financially are you going to loose in a divorce ? You going to keep enough to live comfortably and in a style you like ? Or you going to end up in a one bedroom apartment.

 

- Outside of sex is your wife otherwise kind and supportive and likes doing the same things you do - is she a good companion?

 

- How is your health...how is your wife's.

 

-What do you want when you hit 70 or older in a relationship? you willing to live alone if needed?

 

 

Not saying don't divorce - I understand the pain of low or no sex in a marriage - just asking questions.

Edited February 16, 2016 by dichotomy

[Liam1]

Male, 60's, 4 adult kids, married 40+ years the last 20 or so were celibate by Kinsey criteria: < 5 times p.a.

 

 

Why tolerate it? My last child arrived when I was 44 & unlike her siblings was the epitome of holy terrors. Name a problem & I'll say BTDT & show you the blood stained T-shirt. She was also the one most strongly attached to her dad.

 

 

Apart from tension about the paltry amount of sex, the marriage was conflict free except for my short EA in my late 50's with a much younger divorcee. Exposure & threats to blow up the family led to MC where I was persuaded that a crappy sex life is chicken manure compared to the eternal agony of watching a difficult child become a dysfunctional adult. The MC had all the stats showing that's what happens to them with parental instability. So I just sucked it up.

 

 

The holy terror has now matured into a consummate professional like her siblings. Honestly, I nearly burst with pride when I think of them & compare them with the train wrecks that are some of the kids of our peers. I wont take all the credit; my wife has been the foundation of the family & the glue that held it together.

 

So! Here I am flushed with success but damn bitter at being sexually short changed for 2 decades. I have but a handful of years to make up for it.

 

 

Well of course we've discussed it! She acknowledges the problem but all I get is a shrug of the shoulders & a statement that "It is what it is. The rest of it makes up for that."

 

 

Frankly, I'm thinking that's not good enough. I've never heard of someone on their deathbed say: "I wish I hadn't wasted so much of my life having sex."

 

 

I fear I may be outside the age spectrum for LS gurus but I'm keen to read what you have to say.

 

I have not read the full thread yet.

 

However, let's put the shoe on the other foot. Let's say you had erectile dysfunction. Would you be okay with your wife giving up on your marriage.

 

I had an affair because my wife had gone off sex. It was a disaster. I also realized that okay, so I could attract a woman 21 years younger, but my wife is a much better person. She is my partner and mate.

 

You say no one ever said they had too much sex on the deathbed. Well, I am willing to wager that there are lot of people on their deathbed who left a loyal wife, later regretted it and finally realized that there was more to a marriage than SEX.

 

Also you talk about having to deal with a holy terror child. If you divorce your wife to marry a younger woman to have more sex. What if she gets pregnant.

 

What if YOU get erectile dysfunction and she divorces you or cheats on you and throws your own words about sex back into your face.

 

Personally, after my affair, I now realize that I put far to much emphasis on sex in my marriage and never focused on all the other positives.

 

I also now realize that I would NEVER want to be married to someone like my OW. She gave me all sorts of personal physical details about her husband and had already had three affairs before I took the bait, and one after we broke up.

 

Her husband was the same age as she, but she was NOT interested in him sexually and was always on the prowl for someone better looking and wealthier than he.

 

Personally, I am now glad that my wife is not so sexually focused.

 

We live in a sex obsessed society. That does make things challenging. But really, when push comes to shove, I am glad my wife is not always thinking about sex and other men.

 

Think about it.

[Liam1]

I am sorry for this loss in your marriage all these years. It's awful.

 

It maybe an easy decision, or not at your age. Yes the kids are out and you were an amazing parent. Congrats - on your death bed I think this (loving parent and kids and maybe grand kids) may be on your mind and not sex, but that's just my thought.

 

Items that come to mind for consideration that may or may not be relevant.

 

- Just how much sex you going to have if you divorce. Yes I know more than you have been having - but how much more? Really- think about that with women who are 50 or 60 something (unless you "go all RobertZ sugar daddy" on us with 20 something escorts)

 

- How much financially are you going to loose in a divorce ? You going to keep enough to live comfortably and in a style you like ? Or you going to end up in a one bedroom apartment.

 

- Outside of sex is your wife otherwise kind and supportive and likes doing the same things you do - is she a good companion?

 

- How is your health...how is your wife's.

 

-What do you want when you hit 70 or older in a relationship? you willing to live alone if needed?

 

 

Not saying don't divorce - I understand the pain of low or no sex in a marriage - just asking questions.

 

Dichotomy:

 

All good points.

 

Also, I have a neighbor who divorced his wife for a woman 25 years younger.

 

Well, yeah, he got more sex.........initially.

 

But the last time I ran into him, he was complaining that within a few years his new young wife was off sex.

 

What happened. Well, it's possible she is cheating on him. It's possible she just lost interest in sex once the newness wore off.

 

Also, maybe he is not really a very good lover. Who knows.

 

But the guy is miserable now. He literally jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

 

He complains that his new wife acts more like a daughter than a nurturing loving wife. He complains that she is immature and needy and whiny.

 

He misses his nice, loyal wife, but she has since remarried.

[soleilesquire]

There is more to life than food. But if you never have anything to eat then food becomes pretty important.....

[GorillaTheater]

There is more to life than food. But if you never have anything to eat then food becomes pretty important.....

 

 

Yeah, I'd hate to minimize the value of sex. For my wife and I, it's one of the primary things that cements us together not only physically but emotionally. It helps keep us close, and I sure wouldn't want to do without it. If there were no health or physical barriers to having sex, but she just wasn't interested, I think that would impact our marriage.

 

 

The old saw is that sex is 10% of a marriage when the sex is good, and 90% when it isn't.

 

 

I don't want the OP to think that his expectations are wrong.

[dichotomy]

"Married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness no where"

 

...Chris Rock.

[Khyla]

... - Just how much sex you going to have if you divorce. Yes I know more than you have been having - but how much more? Really- think about that with women who are 50 or 60 something ...

 

ummm. I'm in that age group and I beg to differ. If anything I'm more into it than when the kids were young and took up all my time and energy. plus, no more worries about getting pregnant. It is kinda hard for us old gals to find a real stud the same age though (because of ED, as mentioned). I'm so happy I found me one!

 

He worries that I'll leave him if one day he can no longer perform. I'm not sure what I would do. I know he has already shown me he can be really good at other methods of satisfying those needs...

[carhill]

OP, since you've apparently had a difficult sex life for the past 20 years or so, it is interesting that you've never had a sexual affair but rather had an emotional affair, by your account in your late 50's. People who desire sex usually have sexual affairs. Why did you have an emotional affair? These days sex is pretty easy to obtain from married people or single people, even in your age group, yeah, even as a married person. It goes on.

 

I'm mainly mentioning this because of this stated response from your spouse:

 

Well of course we've discussed it! She acknowledges the problem but all I get is a shrug of the shoulders & a statement that "It is what it is. The rest of it makes up for that."

 

That sort of response is dismissive of your emotions regarding sexual intimacy, IMO. How would you characterize it and is it indicative of a more general tone of interaction?